
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3965152.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      My_Chemical_Romance
  Relationship:
      Frank_Iero/Gerard_Way, Ryan_Ross/Brendon_Urie, Frank_Iero/Pete_Wentz
  Character:
      Frank_Iero, Pete_Wentz, Mikey_Way, Gerard_Way, Ray_Toro, Bert_McCracken,
      Frank_Iero_Sr., Linda_Iero, Brendon_Urie, Ryan_Ross
  Additional Tags:
      Teacher-Student_Relationship, Alternate_Universe_-_Student/Teacher,
      Teacher_Gerard_Way, Triggers, Smut, Fluff_and_Angst, Implied/Referenced
      Self-Harm, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug_Use, Mental_Instability,
      Rimming, Blow_Jobs, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering, Self-Hatred, Possibly
      Unrequited_Love
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-05-18 Updated: 2018-02-07 Chapters: 35/? Words: 175474
****** Here's to the Heartache ******
by SeraphStarshine
Summary
     Frank Iero is a mess - plain and simple.
     He isn't living, just surviving, and even though no seventeen year
     old should feel this way, he can't seem to snap out of it.
     Frank knows his life is going nowhere, so he wastes his nights away
     at the local bar, drowning his problems in a drink and hooking up
     with anyone that looks at him twice.
     He doesn't care if he is being a slut - Frank just loves sex, he
     actually feels wanted, even if it's only for an hour or two.
     But when one thing leads to another, and Frank finds his way into his
     own teacher's bed, will he finally discover everything he has been
     looking for, or will it all end in disaster?
***** The Giant Gay Fiasco *****
Frank was drunk - again, which really wasn't anything new; the only exciting
thing about this occurrence was that he was at home this time, instead of at
his favorite bar, and it was very relaxing getting shitfaced in his own room
without having to worry about driving home.
Usually, he didn't really have a choice, because his fake id was sketchy, and
that was being generous, so he was generally turned away at the liquor store
with a rude remark about getting his life together, which he probably deserved.
Frank was only seventeen after all, and he really shouldn't be this dependent
on alcohol already, but luckily for Frank, a new guy had been manning the
register, and he hadn't glanced twice at Frank's sad attempt for a driver's
license.
He never had any problems at the pub though; for some reason, they had no
qualms with his forged id, and he had made friends with all of the bartenders
there, so they never even asked for it anymore.
Frank hadn't been in the mood for company tonight though, which was why he had
shut off his phone, ignoring the forty or so odd messages from his best friend
Pete, because he - of all people, should understand that Frank wanted to be
left alone today, so it was very fortunate that his adventure into the liquor
store had been a success, or else he wouldn't be drunk right now, and Frank
needed the alcohol flowing through his bloodstream - especiallytonight.
Frank had been ensconced in his room for the last two hours, with only his
bottle of vodka for company, and that was perfectly okay with him. His mother
had gone to bed ages ago, she had to work early in the morning, and she was the
last person he wanted to be around - especially today.
Frank was currently contemplating his sad existence, because he was too lazy to
stand up and turn on some music, and that might wake his mother anyway, which
was not something he wanted to risk right now, and nothing on television was
interesting enough to capture the attention of his fuzzy brain, so why not
ponder how he had ended up this way?
Some people can't pinpoint the exact moment that their life began to spiral out
of control, sometimes it just happens, and not everyone has a reason for
turning to alcohol, or drugs, or whatever vice they chose, but not Frank -
Frank knew all too well why he was this way, not that it helped at him at all.
It started two years ago, exactly two years ago to the day to be precise. That
was the day Frank's father had walked out on them, and when you put it that
way, it doesn't actually seem too bad; parents get divorced all the time, but
that was the beginning of the end for Frank.
Because his father hadn't walked out for just any old reason, he had been
cheating on Frank's mother for ages, but not with a woman - no, it was a man
that had captured his father's attentions, and even though Frank didn't care
about his father's sexuality at all - his mother had.
His mother had no clue that this was coming, and honesty - neither had Frank;
not until his father had randomly blurted it out of the blue one day before
gathering his stuff and leaving to be with his new lover, but Frank understood
the way his father was feeling, especially since Frank was gay himself. He
hadn't worked up the courage to come out quite yet, but now he never would, at
least, not to his mother.
Because after his father had left, Frank's mother became an avid homosexual
hater, blaming all of her problems on the "disease" that had afflicted her
husband, and she was insufferable to be around if the topic was ever brought
up. Not that she had ever supported it before, she was a very devout catholic
after all, but now she hated gay's more than murderers and rapists.
If that was all that had happened though, Frank might have still been okay, but
it wasn't, and even though Frank realized he could have it so much worse, he
wanted to drown in pity tonight, and there was no one around to tell him to
suck it up and get over himself, so Frank wasn't going to.
Because even though Frank didn't care if his father was gay, he did care that
he hadn't seen him since that day he had walked out of their lives. At first,
Frank had thought that his father just needed some space, and he would come
back eventually, to visit Frank - if for no other reason, but Frank hadn't so
much as received a phone call from the man who had been his rock for fifteen
years.
Before the "giant gay fiasco" - which was what Frank had started calling his
father's departure in his head - Frank had been insanely close to his father.
They just clicked, and, as cheesy as it sounds, he had been Frank's best
friend, along with Pete, but Frank would much rather hang out with his father
for a day, because there was only so much of Pete that he could take.
Frank truly loved his father, but it seemed like the emotions were no longer
returned, and that was one of the main cracks that had destroyed the happy
fifteen year old Frank. Frank pretended that he didn't care, he acted like he
didn't give a shit if he ever saw his father again or not, but that was the
biggest lie in the world, besides for when Pete told his parents he was
straight; Frank still couldn't believe they hadn't caught on to their son's
homosexual tendencies yet.
It seemed as if Frank's father was trying to pretend like he never existed, and
no matter how hard Frank tried to contact him, and believe me - Frank had
basically reached full blown stalker level trying to get a hold of his father,
he never once returned his calls, or even sent him a fucking letter. Frank got
the hint, he knew his father was perfectly happy running off with his gay lover
that Frank had never met, and he didn't want any reminders that he used to be
married to a woman, or that he had a son, but it still fucking hurt.
And maybe Frank would still be okay, even with the fact that his father wanted
nothing to do with him, if his mother provided any modicum of support, but she
didn't, of course she didn't.
At first, she had just been heartbroken, which was completely understandable,
and Frank had tried his best to be there for her, offering whatever support he
could, but once her wounded emotions began to heal - that was when things got
crazy.
Linda Iero was a bit of a basket case; she always had been, but before Frank's
father had left, it hadn't been that noticeable, just little oddities here and
there, like swearing she saw a dog in their yard, even though Frank could never
catch a glimpse of it, or hearing things that no one else did.
Frank had always brushed these occurrences off, blaming them on Linda's
overactive imagination, and he never imagined it was the symptoms of something
serious.
Her emotions were always all over the place as well; one minute she would be
fine, and the next, she would break out in tears for no obvious reason, but
Frank hadn't thought anything of it. That was just the way his mother had
always been, so he assumed it was normal, but when his father took his leave,
things spiraled out of control rather quickly.
The first day it happened, Frank had been scared shitless. He had returned home
from school, and he was in his room listening to music, when his mother had
walked in with a murderous look on her face.
"Frank - what the fuck are you doing here?" she hissed at him, fear and hatred
clouding her eyes as she spoke.
"Um...I live here mom?" Frank had no idea what was going on, and he wasn't sure
how to react to his mother's strange behavioral shift.
"Not anymore you don't. Go back to that faggot you love so much and leave me
alone!" she screeched, picking up a random book and throwing it in Frank's
direction.
That was when it had clicked, and Frank realized that his mother thought he was
his father - who was also named Frank. Not knowing what to do, Frank rushed out
of the house, dodging various objects his mother hurled at him as he ran. He
spent the next few nights at Pete's place, too afraid to go home and face his
mother again.
Three days later, his mother called his phone, and Frank let it go to voicemail
twice before finally picking up.
"Hello?" Frank answered in a shaky voice.
"Baby - where have you been? I'm so worried about you!"
"Uh - just at Pete's place." Frank wanted to ask her what the fuck had
happened, and why she couldn't remember throwing him out of the house, but he
didn't want to remind her of the episode in case it happened again.
"Can you come home, I miss you," his mother pleaded.
"Yeah - I'll be there soon..."
So Frank went back, despite Pete's advice that he shouldn't just forgive and
forget so easily, but this was Frank's mother, and she was all he had, so he
ignored his best friend and gathered up his stuff.
Frank was met at the door by a sobbing Linda, who immediately pulled him in for
a hug, and she refused to release him for a good five minutes.
"Don't you ever leave me baby...I need you okay? Don't end up like your
father," she sobbed against Frank's shoulder as he patted her back awkwardly.
"Okay mom, I'm sorry, I won't do it again."
And Frank truly hoped he would be able to keep his word, and he prayed that
whatever had happened before was a one-time thing, but it wasn't - of course it
wasn't.
As the years passed, Linda Iero steadily fell apart; some days she thought
Frank was his father, or she just treated Frank like shit for no reason, other
times she refused to let him out of her sight because she was afraid he would
leave her, but the worst was when she ignore him completely as if he was a
ghost.
Frank did his best to disregard his mother's constant mood swings, and he knew
she wasn't trying to be hurtful to him; she was just psychotic, or
schizophrenic, or something, and he tried his best not to take her words to
heart, but that was easier said than done.
Because over time, Frank began to believe his mother's spiteful accusations,
and eventually, he began to hate himself almost as much as she seemed to when
she was having one of her fits.
Frank had always been self-confident when he was younger, even though he had
been a bit chunky, and he wasn't the most attractive person, he had never seen
those flaws as negative before, but now he could hardly remember a time where
he had been happy with himself, even though he had lost quite a bit of weight,
and he supposed he was decent looking - he just felt like shit inside.
The normal times became few and far between, and Frank never knew what he was
going to come home to. He realized his mother was sick, and she needed help,
but whenever Frank would try to broach the topic with her, she would brush him
off with a laugh, reassuring Frank that everything was fine.
And Frank didn't have any clue what to do, because it wasn't like he could
force his mother to admit herself to a mental hospital, and he would be sort of
screwed if she did; Frank was only seventeen after all, so he couldn't live on
his own just yet, and he really didn't want to be shipped off to some foster
home while his mother was institutionalized.
Because of this, Frank grew up far too fast, and he felt like the parent,
taking care of his mother, instead of the other way around. Frank became the
one who was making sure the bills got paid on time, and he ended up going to
the grocery store when they were running low on food, because his mother
couldn't be bothered. Somehow, she still managed to retain her job as a
secretary for some law firm that Frank had forgotten the name of; he wondered
how she acted there, and if anyone else had noticed her oddities, but she
hadn't been fired yet, so that was a good sign. Maybe she just saved up all the
crazy for home.
But even though Linda brought in a very decent paycheck, she wasn't smart with
her money, and she rarely remembered to give Frank any, so he ended up having
to find his own job to pay for the things that Linda deemed unimportant, like
school supplies and clothes.
Frank had a hard time finding employment, because he was still in high school
after all, so he could only work limited hours, but finally a restaurant hired
him as a dishwasher/sometimes server. It wasn't a bad job, and Frank got to eat
the leftover food, which was a major plus for him since he didn't always have
enough money for groceries that week.
When he started his job was when Frank had fallen into his alcohol addiction,
because the restaurant had a bar, and even after that was closed, there was a
pub across the street, and all the guys went out for drinks on a regular basis.
They never asked how old Frank was, and he never mentioned the fact that he was
underage, and before long, getting drunk after work was a daily ritual. Even
when his coworkers decided not to go out for the night, Frank almost always
did, and now he could barely make it a few days without some form of alcohol
passing his lips.
Smoking came not long after that, and for pretty much the same reason. Most of
his coworkers smoked, and Frank picked up the filthy habit quickly. The
nicotine in his system wasn't anywhere as soothing as a shot of liquor, but he
became dependent on the slim sticks that managed to calm him down when he had
no other options at hand.
It was tough on Frank, having to learn how to balance the checkbook while
trying to pass all of his classes, and working as well, but he managed, and
even if he was slowly dying inside, there was nothing he could do about it.
They were staying afloat though, and that was all that mattered, and that was
the best Frank could say for the fucked up mess that had become his life.
At least Frank had Pete, because after his father had made such a spectacle of
coming out, Frank had lost all of his other friends. He went to a private
catholic school, and even though Frank hadn't told anyone what had occurred,
one of his classmates happened to be his neighbor, and of course they had
blabbed to basically the whole school, and now everyone treated Frank like a
leper. They acted as if being gay was a disease, and if Frank's father was gay,
then Frank must be as well, and even though he was in fact gay, they had no
proof of that, but either way, Frank was the school outcast now.
Frank had begged his mother to transfer him into the local public school where
Pete went, making the very logical argument that it would save a large amount
of money, but she had refused, saying that he wouldn't get as good an education
there, which was probably an accurate statement, if the stories Pete told about
the teachers there were true, but Frank didn't really care about his education
- not anymore.
What was the point when Frank knew he could never afford to get into college?
He still wanted to pass high school of course, it would be almost impossible to
get a higher paying job without a diploma, but after that, Frank had no plans
on furthering his education.
He already knew exactly where he was life was going to go; Frank was going to
get a slightly better, but still shitty job, and end up watching after his
mother for the rest of her life, hopefully he would be able to convince her to
attend some kind of therapist when he got older, but he had his doubts on that,
and as much as Frank would love to move away and forget about all of this the
second he turned eighteen, he couldn't, because this was his mother, and even
if she didn't love him anymore, she was still the only family he had left, and
he wasn't going to abandon her.
Pete was the only one who knew everything Frank was going through, and he
didn't judge him, quite the opposite actually. They had been best friends since
they were four years old and Frank had showed Pete that play-doh tasted good,
and he was the only person who Frank trusted with his secrets. He provided a
place to crash when Frank needed to get out of the house, and even more
importantly, a shoulder to cry on when Frank lost it.
Pete also helped Frank discover his second vice, which he might be even more
addicted to than alcohol. When Pete had been questioning his sexuality, he
asked Frank if he would experiment with him, just so he could find out if he
really liked guys. Frank didn't have any romantic feelings for Pete; he loved
him, but more like a brother than anything else - well maybe not a brother,
because that would be incest, but basically, he cared about Pete a great deal,
just not like that.
Frank agreed though, because he was a horny sixteen year old at the time, and
he couldn't date anyone at his school because they all hated him, and he didn't
mind helping Pete out in this. It was supposed to be a one-time thing, just to
find out if Pete was gay or not - which he was, but after that discovery was
made, they continued to fool around.
Frank found this odd sense of peace in the act of sex, it could calm him down,
even on his worst days, and just for a little while, Frank could forget about
all problems. Frank explained this to Pete, and he completely understood, so
they became best friends/fuck buddies.
Pete got the fact that Frank just wanted the physical attention, and that he
didn't really feel anything for Pete, and Frank made sure he knew that they
could call this off whenever Pete - or Frank - got areal boyfriend, and even
though fuck buddies usually don't work out, and one or the other typically
ended up developing feelings, they didn't.
Frank found that being with someone else felt even better - not necessarily
pleasure wise, but for his fucked up self-esteem at least, because even though
Pete was willing to sleep with Frank, he had known him for years, and Frank
knew he cared for him, but when it was a stranger that wanted to be with Frank,
the feeling of being needed and loved intensified a thousand fold.
Frank knew that these random one night stands didn't mean anything, and that
his hook ups really didn't care for him, but like a typical white girl with
daddy problems who turns to other men to find acceptance, Frank craved that
feeling of intimacy, and he began to look forward to being picked up at the bar
more than getting drunk.
Because underneath Frank's tough guy exterior that he presented to everyone
else - besides Pete that is, Frank was really an insecure mess, and his
mother's words has sunk in so deep, he was actually starting to believe them.
Frank didn't think he was worthy of love, or affection, so Frank needed those
random strangers who bought him a drink and told him how hot he was. He craved
another person's body heat pressing down on him, he soaked up the muttered
compliments as they pressed inside of him, because that was all Frank had, and
for those few moments, he actually felt beautiful, and wanted, and loved, even
if it was all a lie just to get in his pants.
Frank knew he was a pathetic slut, but he was past the point of caring what
others thought of him - well actually he did, but he still liked to pretend
that he didn't.
And Frank truly believed that a drunken hookup at a bar was the closest he was
going to get to love, because if his mother didn't love him, and his father
hadn't even cared enough to call him, then how could anyone ever feel any sort
of affection toward him?
All of this ran through Frank's head as he drained his bottle of liquor, and
even though he would never tell anyone about this - not even Pete, tears were
falling down his face as he truly realized what a fucking mess he had become in
such a short amount of time.
Frank didn't cry - not anymore - not even around Pete, because it didn't help
anything, it just made him feel even more pathetic, and what was the point in
shedding tears over something that he could never change. Pete always tried to
encourage Frank, telling him that this was just a rough patch, and things would
get better soon, but that was a lie, and Frank knew it.
This was his life now, and that wasn't going to change unless his mother
magically got better, which didn't look likely, and Frank was just going to
have to live with that fact, which is why he turned to booze and sex, because
they helped him survive, and he needed any support he could get, and that
thought just made Frank cry even harder, trying his best to keep quiet so his
mother wouldn't hear him.
Frank sighed when he glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table after
wiping his watery eyes, even though more tears spilled out as soon as he did
that. It was already three in the morning, and even though he didn't have
school tomorrow - it was still summer vacation for a few more weeks, he had
quite a few errands to run, not to mention work later in the day, and he knew
he needed some rest.
It was hard to fall asleep while he was choking back sobs though, but Frank did
his best, curling up in a ball to try and lessen the ache in his heart that
hadn't gone away ever since his father had left.
Eventually, Frank did drift off, and he forgot everything in the peaceful
oblivion of sleep, but he knew that when he awoke, it would all come crashing
back down, and he would have to face another day of being Frank Iero, which was
really not the best motivation to ever want to wake up again.
***** In Which Pete May Or May Not Have Performed Kinky Experiments Involving
Salsa *****
Frank approached Pete's familiar house on tired feet; he hadn't really wanted
to stop by today - not because he didn't want to see his friend, Frank was just
running on three hours of sleep, and he had originally planned on napping
before he had to be at work in a few hours.
But Pete had been blowing up his phone, starting at nine o' clock this morning,
and continuing with his relentless messaging even once Frank had proven that he
was still alive and functioning after last night. Pete refused to stop his
excessive texting until Frank had agreed to come over, so Frank found himself
knocking on his best friend's door halfheartedly as he did his best to stifle a
jaw popping yawn.
"I've got it mom!" Pete's excited voice rang out, and Frank wondered how deaf
Pete thought his mother was that inspired him to yell so loudly that Frank
could hear it from his position on the front porch.
"Frankie!" Pete grinned happily before engulfing Frank in a bone crushing hug.
Frank wasn't a very affectionate person, but Pete was always like this, even if
he had just seen Frank yesterday, and Frank often compared him to an
overexcited puppy in his mind.
Sometimes, Pete's hyper active nature could get irritating, but Frank actually
enjoyed his bubbly personality. It brought Frank out of the morose cloud he was
typically cocooned in, and Pete never failed to make Frank smile, which was a
feat in itself. Pete and Frank's friendship proved the old saying "opposites
attract", because even though they were contradictory in so many ways, they
melded together perfectly.
"Hey Pete," Frank shoved his friend off gently when Pete showed no signs of
letting go of him anytime soon.
"I was worried about you when you didn't respond to any of my texts yesterday."
Pete grinned sheepishly when he finally released him.
"Sorry, but you know how I get...I just didn't feel up to socializing you
know?" Frank shrugged uncomfortably, because even though he felt bad about
ignoring Pete, he thought he would understand his radio silence. Maybe he had
forgotten what day it was - Frank wouldn't blame him if he did.
"It's okay, you are here now."
"So...are you gonna invite me in, or are we hanging out on the porch today?"
Frank smirked at Pete, who literally looked around as if he had only just now
realized that they were still standing outside.
"Oops, my bad," Pete giggled before heading back inside with Frank trailing
after him.
"Hello Frank dear," Pete's mother greeted them as they entered the kitchen,
where she was cooking something that smelled delicious.
"Hey Mrs. Wentz," Frank answered as he took in the amazing scent that wafted
from the oven.
Frank loved spending time at Pete's place, especially when his mother was home,
because she always treated him like part of the family, and she reminded Frank
of how his mother used to act before his father's departure. Frank felt more at
home here than he ever did in his own house lately, and even though he hadn't
wanted to come over earlier, he was glad that he had. Something about Pete's
house just oozed peacefulness, and Frank could fully relax here.
"Are you hungry? Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes."
"Yeah that would be great, thank you so much," Frank gushed while his stomach
growled loudly, as if it wanted to vocalize its input as well.
Frank hadn't had a chance to eat anything today in his rush to get to the bank
and make some deposits, and there hadn't been any decent food in the house
anyway. He had been planning on grabbing a quick bite once he got to work, but
a home cooked meal made by Mrs. Wentz was an opportunity that he would never
pass up.
"You don't need to thank me Frank, you know you are basically my second son."
"You are too nice to me Mrs. Wentz." Frank blushed slightly at her kind words,
because even after all these years, her acceptance of him never failed to
surprise him, and he would be eternally grateful to her for taking him in
whenever he needed a place to stay.
"Well somebody needs to feed you - look how skinny you are getting." Mrs. Wentz
shot him a sad look before turning back to the stove. She knew about his mother
of course - not everything, but enough to deduce that Frank wasn't being taken
care of properly.
"Frankie - come on!" Pete spoke up from the top of the stairs, gesturing for
Frank to follow him to his room.
"You don't need any help do you Mrs. Wentz?" Frank asked, ignoring Pete's
obnoxious hand motions for the moment, because if Pete's mother was going to
serve him dinner, the least he could do was offer to assist her in some way.
"No - you boys go upstairs, and I will call you when it is ready. Thanks for
asking sweetheart," Mrs. Wentz smiled before shooing Frank away from the
kitchen. Pete had already disappeared down the hallway, he probably bolted as
soon as he heard Frank's question so he wouldn't get roped into making dinner.
Once Frank had ascended the carpeted steps and made his way into Pete's room,
he collapsed on the messy bed with a heavy sigh, closing his tired eyes for a
moment as Pete rummaged around through his precariously stacked pile of CDs he
kept on his desk. After a few minutes of muttered cursing, Pete let out a happy
exclamation, and then Nirvana's Lithium began playing through Pete's crappy
computer speakers.
"So...you okay Frankie?" Pete sat down next to Frank, making the mattress dip
slightly under his weight. Frank usually hated when anyone called him Frankie,
because that was the nickname his father had used for him, so he became very
defensive when anyone attempted to do the same. Pete was the exception though,
because he had been using the same endearment since kindergarten, and he was
the only one who could utter the dreaded name without making Frank want to
punch them in the face.
"Yeah - just peachy," Frank mumbled with his face pressed against Pete's
comforter, which smelled slightly like salsa - only Pete would eat salsa in
bed, or at least, Frank hoped he was eating it, and not doing some weird kinky
shit involving spicy dip.
"I didn't forget what yesterday was, I just didn't want you to be alone," Pete
spoke up after a few minutes of silence.
"Oh...well yeah, I'm okay. I mean - it was two years ago now," Frank lied, even
though he knew he could tell Pete how he was truly feeling, he just didn't have
the energy to get all emotional right now. Frank had barely gotten himself out
of the depressive state he had been in last night, and he wasn't eager to sink
back down into it so soon.
"You are a terrible liar," Pete's tone of voice was causal, like he was
commenting on the weather or something, but Frank knew he was trying to hide
his hurt feelings when Frank didn't open up to him. Pete seemed to view his
close friendship with Frank as a point of pride, and when Frank tried to shut
down on him, Pete got offended, and Frank knew he wasn't going to get over this
unless Frank told him something.
"Fine...I'm not okay, but that's kind of a given. I'm here, and I'm better than
I was last night, so yeah..." Frank rolled over so Pete could read his face,
which carried an honest expression tinged slightly with exasperation.
"I could have hung out with you, kept your mind off it - you know?" Pete still
sounded slightly offended, and Frank knew he shouldn't be getting irritated at
the only person who cared about him, but he was. He just didn't want to talk
about this right now, and Pete knew that, but he was convinced that letting
things out would help Frank heal, so he was always pushing him to vent about
his feelings.
"Yeah I know, I just wanted to be alone - sometimes that is what's best for
me."
"Frank...are you sure you are okay? I mean - like you said, it's been two
years, and it seems like you are getting worse instead of better."
"I'm trying Pete, really - I am. It's just hard..." Frank stared down at the
deep red blanket he was lying on top of instead of at Pete, because no matter
how much he trusted his best friend, he still hated exposing himself like this.
"I know...I just want you to be happy."
"Same here Pete, believe me - I do. It's just not that easy," Frank sighed,
because it wasn't like he was making himself miserable for no reason, but right
now, dragging himself through each day took all of his energy, and it was hard
to stay cheerful when he didn't have anything to look forward to.
"I just thought time would help you, but - fuck, I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm not a fucking therapist, so I should just shut up," Pete groaned out, and
he sounded truly distressed at the fact that he couldn't magically fix all of
Frank's problems.
"No Pete, it's fine. You care, and that helps more than you know, but can we
talk about something else?"
"Yeah of course," Pete stretched out next to Frank on the bed, pressing a swift
kiss to his cheek in the process. Frank smiled at the gesture; Pete was always
affectionate, even when they were just hanging out, and he liked it. It made
him feel special, even though he knew it was just a friendly habit.
"So have you told your parents you are gay yet?" Frank asked after wracking his
brain for something that would distract Pete from Frank's pathetic life for the
time being.
"No..." Pete groaned, flipping over and burying his face into a nearby pillow.
"Why not? You have the coolest mom ever, and your dad is pretty chill too. I
know they wouldn't care."
"Your right, I guess I'm just scared of disappointing them - you know? I'm an
only child, and they are always talking about how they want grandchildren one
day, and - fuck, I just can't Frank." Pete's voice came out muffled, but Frank
still got the gist of his words.
"Well it's not like being gay means you can't have kids; there is adoption, and
surrogacy, and all that stuff. Just explain it to them. They might freak out at
first, but I'm sure they will warm up to the idea," Frank reassured his friend.
He truly believed his parents would be cool with it; they hadn't ostracized him
after his father had come out like so many of his neighbors had, and they were
some of the most understanding people Frank knew - there was no way they
wouldn't support their son in his choices.
"But what if they don't? The gay topic has never really come up, and I honestly
don't even know how they feel about any of it. I've tried to go through with it
a hundred times, but I always end up freaking myself out."
"I understand, and I'm not pressuring you. I just think you are making too big
a deal out of this." Frank put his arm around Pete in a comforting gesture, and
his friend exhaled heavily against his shoulder.
"I'm going to tell them eventually, I was sort of just waiting until I got a
boyfriend. Then I would actually have incentive to come out I guess." Pete
shrugged, and Frank patted his back gently.
"Take your time dude, it's no rush. I was just curious - that's all."
"Boys - dinner is ready!" Mrs. Wentz called out from downstairs, and Frank's
stomach grumbled again, making him wonder if it somehow understood the English
language.
"Come on man, let's go eat. My mom is right - you are getting way too thin."
---------------------------------------------
Gerard was ninety percent sure he was still drunk from last night, and that was
pretty sad, given the fact that it was two in the afternoon, but he had no idea
when he actually stopped drinking yesterday, although he knew it was the early
hours of the morning, so he shouldn't be too surprised.
He just couldn't control himself, especially not last night. Everything was
just too much, and he had no one to distract him since Mikey had disappeared to
fuck knows where - hopefully Ray's house so he would at least have someone to
watch out for him.
Gerard should have been worried about the fact that he was clueless about his
brother's exact location; he still hadn't come home, even though he had left
around nine last night, but his pounding headache and roiling stomach were
distracting him from his brother's absence.
Honestly, Mikey was probably doing exactly what Gerard was, trying to get over
a hangover, or something, and debating on if he could risk moving right now,
and Gerard didn't blame him.
With a tortured groan, Gerard began rummaging around his room for his missing
phone so he could text Mikey, but his search came up empty of course.
He couldn't even remember half of last night, which was probably a good thing.
He had planned on going out to meet Bert for a drink, but that plan had gotten
thrown out the window when he started the party early, and by the time ten had
rolled around, he was already too wasted to even consider driving.
He hadn't really wanted to be around people anyway, but Bert had convinced him
that it would be better to distract himself by actually leaving his apartment
and socializing, but Gerard had ended up texting his friend and canceling,
which Bert had sort of been expecting the entire day anyway.
That was the last time Gerard remembered having his phone, but he couldn't
recall what room he was in when he sent that message - maybe the kitchen?
Pulling himself to his feet, Gerard attempted to walk on shaky legs toward the
aforementioned room, but he didn't even make it halfway there before he had to
change directions and bolt for the bathroom.
Gerard barely made it in time, choking back bile as he tossed open the toilet
lid so hard, he wouldn't have been surprised if it had cracked, but he couldn't
worry about that right now, not when his stomach was cramping painfully as he
threw up everything he had eaten yesterday, and what felt like a few internal
organs as well.
When his stomach was finally done emptying itself, Gerard collapsed onto the
cold tile floor in a heap, too weak to continue his journey into the kitchen to
retrieve his phone. Mikey was probably doing better than Gerard was right now
in any case.
This was the worst hangover Gerard could remember experiencing in ages; he
rarely got them anymore, but he had gone overboard last night. He just couldn't
seem to drink enough to shut up his mind, and he had kept going until
everything became a fuzzy blur of tears and anger, until he had finally blacked
out.
Gerard was suddenly struck by what a pathetic picture he presented in this
moment, sprawled out on the bathroom floor, his greasy unwashed hair fanning
out behind him, his face still stained with tears from last night.
How did he fall so hard, so fast? Not that Gerard had ever been the epitome of
happiness, butfuck - this hurt, and it hadn't stopped hurting since that night.
His pitiful existence made him want to cry again, but he had done enough of
that last night, and his eyes were dry and scratchy because of it.
He knew where it started - actually, he would never forget, but even though he
had a perfectly legitimate reason to be such a mess, he thought that after two
years, he would have started to pick himself back up, but he seemed incapable
of doing that, no matter how hard he tried.
Elena had always done that for him; she had been the helping hand that dragged
his sorry ass off the floor when he didn't have the strength to move, the
supporting presence that convinced Gerard to follow his dreams, even though
they had crashed and burned in the end.
Even when Gerard's parents had kicked him out of the house for being gay,
saying they never wanted anything to do with him again, Elena had taken him in
and given him a place to stay and a shoulder to cry on. Mikey had come to live
with them not long after, he couldn't stand his parents treatment of Gerard,
and he eventually came out as pansexual himself.
She was their everything: their mother, and father, and best friend, and mentor
all in one. Without her, Gerard had no idea where he would have ended up, and
it wasn't a pleasant thought, not that his current situation was an ideal one,
but it would have been so much worse without Elena.
But she was gone now; she had passed away two years ago as of yesterday, which
explained Gerard's binge drinking and Mikey's disappearance last night. Her
death had destroyed both of them, it had been so sudden, and they had no time
to prepare or brace themselves for their lives without her in it, so they had
fallen apart into the sad shells of people they currently were today.
Gerard thought time would make things better, but it didn't. Everything hurt
even worse today then it had when he had first received the news, probably
because the shock and denial had worn off, and he couldn't hide behind his numb
facade as well as he used to.
She was never coming back, and Gerard and Mikey were alone - besides for each
other, but even then, it wasn't enough. Two broken people couldn't come
together to make a whole, it just didn't work that way, and even though they
tried to support each other the best that they could, Gerard knew they were
just placing masking tape over their internal wounds, using drugs and alcohol
as a temporary fix for their pain.
That was why Gerard had lost himself in a liquor bottle last night, that was
why he was at least buzzed eighty percent of the time, because he had to
continuously apply a new bandage over his damaged heart, or it would break
apart, and he would never be able to stitch himself back together again when
that happened.
This wasn't living, and Gerard knew it, but it was the best he could do for the
time being, and maybe one day, he would pull himself together and find some joy
in the world again, but not today, and probably not tomorrow - maybe not ever,
and Gerard had come to accept that.
***** Who The Hell Let Brendon And Ryan Run A Bar? *****
Frank barely even remembered work, and it wasn't because he was drunk or
anything; it was just boring, and monotonous, but it was a way to make money,
and thankfully it ended quickly at the very least.
And even though Frank had probably drank enough last night to reach his alcohol
consumption levels for the week, he found himself turning his feet toward his
favorite bar, not because he particularly wanted to get wasted tonight, but
because he was hoping to find someone to take him home so he wouldn't have to
return to his room with the pillow that was probably still slightly damp with
his tears from last night for a few more hours.
He was well aware the he could sneak back into Pete's house and just spend the
night with him, but he knew Pete would want to make him talk more about his
"feelings" and Frank didn't want that, not tonight, maybe notever.
He wanted someone who didn't know a thing about the real Frank Iero, someone
who wouldn't ask how he was holding up, or offer him advice and comfort. Frank
just wanted to forget about his father right now, especially since he had
ignored the text Frank had sent him this morning, simply stating that Frank
missed him. Frank hadn't really been expecting a reply; he wasn't even sure if
his father still had the same phone number anymore, but a fucking"I do too"
would have been really nice - nowhere near enough by any means, but it would
have been a start.
So that is why Frank wanted - no, needed, another man's arms around him
tonight, telling him he was beautiful, and special, because maybe he would
actually believe it this time, and maybe - just maybe, it would lessen the pain
of the complete radio silence he had been receiving from his father for the
past two years.
The other guys from work had decided to head straight home after their shift
had ended; it was a Monday night after all, so they had a long week ahead of
them, and his coworkers actually used the bar to get wasted, instead of a pick-
up zone - not that Frank wasn't planning on drinking, he just wanted to be able
to actually remember who he went home with, if he was fortunate enough to get
that far.
When Frank pushed open the door to the pub, he found it decently empty, which
wasn't a surprise. Friday and Saturday nights were the busiest time of the
week, and Frank knew that, but he thought he would try his luck anyway.
There was a larger, much more populated club kind of thing further into town,
and although Frank would probably have a better chance of finding a willing guy
there, he wasn't close with the bartenders at that establishment, and his fake
ID only fooled the bouncers about fifty percent of the time.
Brendon waved at him from behind the counter when he caught sight of Frank, and
he returned the gesture. Frank considered him a friend, even though he never
hung out with him outside of the bar. Brendon owned this place, and he and his
boyfriend Ryan were the sweetest people Frank had the pleasure of knowing.
Frank had been attracted to Brendon when he first started coming here, but that
quickly dissipated when he saw how perfect Brendon and Ryan were together. They
were literally the most adorable couple he had ever seen, and even though he
wanted to throw up sometimes when they got especially mushy in front of him, he
didn't blame them for it. If Frank had someone look at him the way Ryan did to
Brendon, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off him either.
"Just the usual Frank?" Brendon smiled down at him as Frank placed himself on
what he had claimed as "his bar stool".
"Yeah, where's Ryan?" Frank asked when he didn't spot the headband wearing man
anywhere.
"In the back, balancing the books. I swear I would lose this place if it wasn't
for him. I don't have the right sort of mind for numbers." Brendon's lip
twitched upward slightly as he talked about his boyfriend, and Frank felt a
slight pang of jealously erupt in his chest. He wanted what Brendon and Ryan
had, and even though he knew it would never happen, it still hurt sometimes,
and his emotional defenses hadn't recovered entirely after last night's
breakdown.
"Stop gushing about your boyfriend and get me my drink," Frank teased, to which
Brendon saluted him and started messing around behind the bar, emerging a
minute later with Frank's jack and coke.
"So how's life treating you?" Brendon asked as he leaned against the counter
with a sigh. Frank didn't mind when Brendon asked this, because he knew it was
just small talk, and Brendon didn't expect a real answer.
Frank had actually opened up quite a bit to Brendon in the past, back when he
couldn't hold his alcohol, and the sympathetic bartender had been willing to
lend an ear to the pathetic mess that was Frank Iero. He knew about his father,
and even a little about his mother's condition that his loosened tongue had let
slip. Still, he never pressed Frank on anything; just let him talk when he
needed to get something off of his chest, and providing him with alcohol to
make the act easier.
Frank was pretty sure that Brendon knew he was underage, he had to by now,
given how much information he had provided him with, but he had never refused
him service, to which Frank was eternally gratefully. Besides for Pete, Brendon
was the closest thing Frank had to friend, and even if he didn't manage to
score tonight, it was still nice to pass the time away with Brendon.
"Not great, but that's nothing new. I'm just so fucking tired of everything you
know. This is all I have to look forward to." Frank ended up admitting a bit
more than he had been meaning to, but this was Brendon after all, and his
understanding smile and kind nature just had that kind of effect on Frank.
"I know Frank, but at least you are still young. You have time, which is
something a lot of my regulars don't have. Keep fighting, and it might just
turn around one day," Brendon encouraged him, receiving a weak smile from Frank
in return.
Frank wanted to believe that Brendon was right, and he would wake up tomorrow,
or sometime in the near future, and his life would magically fix itself; maybe
his dad would come home, and his mother would go back to normal, and Frank
could be happy again, but he knew that was just a fool's hope, and he wasn't
stupid enough to think that could ever happen.
"Yeah - my friend Pete keeps telling me that, I just wish I could pause time, I
need a break you know?" Frank shrugged causally, because he knew that probably
everyone in the world thought the same thing at one point in their life or
another, and sometimes he felt bad for acting like his situation was so
horrible; he was well aware that he could have it much worse.
"Well as soon as I figure out how to invent a machine that does that, you will
be the first to know," Brendon giggled. Frank didn't have time to respond
before he was called away to refill another customer's drink, so he simply
sipped on his own beverage slowly.
Now that he was left to himself for a bit, Frank took the time to observe who
else was sharing the bar with him tonight. Like he said before, it was a slow
night, and this town wasn't huge, so it was the just the regular crowd of older
men and the odd woman or two who spent practically every night here, just like
Frank.
He should have known better than to expect to find a quick hookup on a Monday
night, and if he was smart, he would have tried his luck at the club which he
couldn't remember the name of, but Frank didn't feel up to facing the pounding
music and strobe lights of that place; he would much rather be in Brendon's
pub, which currently had Nirvana playing through the crappy old speakers on a
low volume, even if he would end up going home alone.
Frank finished his drink slowly, chatting with Brendon occasionally as he
passed by in-between making his rounds, but after his third jack and coke,
Frank began to think about calling it a night and catching up on some sleep.
Just then though, the small bell over the door jingled softly, and Frank's eyes
were drawn to the newcomer who entered the bar with his head down and his
jacket pulled tightly around him.
He looked young; older than Frank by a few years, but he couldn't be more than
twenty-five. His blonde hair was pushed back from his thin face, exposing the
darker roots which proved that it was colored, and Frank liked what he saw.
Everything about him, from the prominent cheekbones to the honey colored eyes
were very attractive, and Frank decided to stay for at least one more drink so
he could feel this guy out, raising his hand so Brendon would know that he
wanted another.
The stranger slipped into the barstool two away from Frank's, barely lifting
his head so he could whisper his order to Brendon as he passed by in the
process of giving Frank his next drink.
Frank was pretty certain that he had never seen this guy before, and not just
at the bar, but like anywhere, which was a bit odd. Belleville was a relatively
small city, and even though Frank wasn't going to boast and say he knew
everyone here, he was sure he would have noticed this guy if he had spied him
wandering around town.
He was cute, totally Frank's type, and even though Frank saved his hookups for
the pub, that didn't meant he couldn't look at attractive guys when they passed
by, and he was sure this man would have caught his eye if they had ever crossed
paths before.
That left Frank to wonder if he had recently moved here or something, which was
slightly strange; not that many people willing chose to live in Belleville, but
maybe this guy didn't have a say in the matter.
When Brendon placed Frank's drink next to him, Frank motioned to the newcomer
with his eyes, which was their universal symbol meaning Frank wanted to buy
this round for the guy.
Frank wasn't made of money, obviously, but he had found that this was an
excellent way to break the ice, and one more charge on his tab wasn't going to
kill him. Brendon was always telling him to take his time paying his balance
back anyway; he knew Frank was reliable, and he never minded cutting him a
break when funds were tight.
Frank stayed quiet as Brendon delivered the stranger his drink, whispering in
his ear and pointing to Frank when the guy shot him a questioning look. Brendon
was used to Frank's habit of picking up guys by now, and he even attempted to
help him if he caught sight of a good looking one before Frank did.
Frank smiled sheepishly as the man's eyes fell on him, and even though the guy
didn't smile back, he grabbed his drink and moved over to occupy the barstool
next to Frank.
"Thanks man, seriously," the guy spoke up and a slight grin finally emerged, it
was more of a twitch at the corner of his lips than a true grin, but it was
something. Frank sensed that his face didn't carry that expression often, so he
felt slightly honored to have received a positive response.
"No problem, I know what it feels like to need a drink."
"Still, it means a lot. I just moved back into town, and it's nice to see that
not everyone is a complete asshole."
"Yeah - we aren't all dicks, just ninety nine percent of us," Frank giggled
slightly.
"Seriously, I think I would have gone insane already if Ray hadn't come back
with us. There is nothing to do here, and everyone seems to have a stick up
their ass," the still nameless guy ranted, moving his hands around slightly as
he spoke. Frank had a feeling that this wasn't his first drink of the night,
because even though he didn't smell like alcohol, most people weren't this open
with complete strangers two minutes after meeting them.
"Why did you decide to move here then if you hate it so much?" Frank asked, and
he was actually genuinely curious. Most people who left Belleville didn't even
bother with a backward glance, much less actually return here.
"It wasn't my choice, believe me. My brother wanted to get back to our roots
for some fucking stupid reason, and I don't really have anywhere else to go.
He's all I have left now that everything went to shit." The guy's explanation
was vague, but Frank understood what he was saying, or at least the gist of it.
Honestly, this stranger reminded Frank a lot of himself, and he could relate to
being stuck in a situation that he couldn't escape from, no matter how much he
hated it.
"So what's your name?" Frank asked, choosing not to press the guy for more
information; he would keep talking if he wanted to, and Frank wasn't going to
do the exact same thing that he so despised when other people did it to him.
"Oh yeah...it's Mikey, well I guess it's technically Michael, but no one ever
calls me that anymore," he chuckled softly, polishing off his drink before
motioning to Brendon for another.
"I'm Frank."
"You're nice Frank, I like you," Mikey stated solemnly, and that was when Frank
noticed how wide his pupils were blown out, and Frank knew alcohol wasn't the
only substance in his body right now. Frank really didn't have a problem with
people taking drugs, they just freaked him out a little bit, probably because
he had never tried them - alcohol was good enough for him.
"I like you too Mikey," Frank smiled, trying to ignore the fact that Mikey was
probably incredibly high right now, not to mention Brendon giving him the
thumbs up from behind Mikey's back.
They continued chatting for another hour or so about everything and nothing,
skirting around the deeper topics, even though Mikey alluded to his demons a
couple more times. They consumed probably a few too many drinks in the process,
but Frank wasn't really worried. He was actually genuinely enjoying Mikey's
company, and although he still wanted to end up in his bed later on tonight,
even if that didn't happen, he was still happy he had met him.
"Fuck - my head is spinning," Mikey announced as he pushed away his empty
glass, but this was only his third drink, so unless he was a major lightweight,
he shouldn't be too drunk yet.
"You okay dude?" Frank asked in a concerned tone of voice, but he was met with
Mikey's back as he all but sprinted to the bathroom.
After waiting for Mikey to return for about five minutes, Frank decided to go
check on him. He found the poor guy hunched over the toilet seat; he hadn't
managed to lock the door to the stall properly, so it had swung open, revealing
his crumpled form to anyone that happened to walk into the bathroom.
Frank didn't say anything; he simply sat on the nasty floor next to him and
rubbed his back soothingly as he dry heaved a couple of times, producing
nothing but saliva and bile.
"Not too good at holding your liquor huh?" Frank chuckled lightly when Mikey
finally lifted his head from the lid of the toilet seat.
"No, it's not that. Fuck - I think I took some bad coke, I don't know if I can
get up," Mikey groaned as he slumped backwards so his back was resting against
the wall.
"Shit - has this happened before? Should I call an ambulance?" Frank gasped,
suddenly very unsure of what to do. He was an expert when it came to dealing
with drunk people, having plenty of experience with himself, but a cocaine
overdose was entirely new to him.
"No, I'm not gonna OD, I probably just got a bad batch - I think it was Matt's
old stash, should have known he would buy shitty drugs," Mikey grumbled so
quietly that Frank could barely hear him.
"What should I do?" Frank didn't want to admit that he was panicking slightly,
but he liked Mikey, and he didn't want him to die here in this nasty bathroom
while he just sat back and watched.
"I'll be okay in a few hours, but can you drive me home? I didn't bring my
car..."
"I didn't drive either..." Frank admitted guiltily, even though he had no
reason to feel bad about that. Frank couldn't afford a vehicle yet, even though
he had been saving up for one, and his mother had to go to work in the morning,
so he hadn't borrowed her car for the night like he did on some occasions, just
in case he didn't make it home before she had to leave.
"That's okay, I'll just call my brother," Mikey grinned weakly, patting the
pockets of his tight jeans with shaking hands, but he didn't seem to be able to
find his phone.
"Do you need help reaching it?" Frank finally spoke when Mikey threw his hands
up in frustration after digging in his jacket as well.
"No - fucking hell, I think I left it at Ray's..."
"You can borrow mine," Frank offered, but Mikey simply shook his head.
"I don't know Gerard's fucking number because he just got a new phone..." Mikey
groaned, letting his head fall back in defeat.
"Well...do you live far? I can help you walk home at the very least."
"Really? Fuck you are sweet, but we better hurry before I get worse," Mikey
grimaced as he spoke, as if even the act of speaking was hurting him.
"Yeah - okay," Frank mumbled to himself as he slipped his arms under Mikey's,
heaving his limp frame up off of the tile floor with a bit of effort. Mikey was
tall, but he was lanky too, and he wasn't very heavy - thank fuck for that.
They managed to walk out of the bathroom with minimal trouble, even though
Mikey was leaning most of his weight against Frank. Brendon shot them a worried
look as they stumbled by, but Frank simply smiled at him.
Frank hoped that Brendon didn't blame himself for Mikey's condition; Brendon
hated when he over-served his customers and they got sick because of it, and he
mentally reminded himself to explain it to Brendon the next time he saw him,
which would probably be tomorrow night, because there was no way he was going
to try and sleep with Mikey while he was in this sorry state, so he would have
to try again tomorrow with a different guy.
"You doing okay?" Frank asked once they had made it outside into the relatively
fresh air. It was the end of July though, so it was hot and muggy, even at this
late hour.
"Yeah - I'm good. I live on Green Court Street, in that big apartment complex,"
Mikey gasped out, and Frank could tell that he wasn't being completely honest
about his condition.
"I know where that is," Frank informed him. Actually, it was pretty close to
his own house, only two streets over to be precise, so it wasn't out of his way
at all.
"I'm so sorry about this Frank, I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"It's cool dude, I'm just glad I was with you when it happened," Frank smiled,
even though Mikey probably didn't see it because his eyes were half closed, and
his head was lolling against Frank's shoulder.
Frank really didn't mind though, because Mikey was the most interesting person
he had met in ages, and he didn't even care that he wasn't going to get laid
tonight. If Mikey followed through on his promise to make it up to him, then
maybe it would happen sometime in the near future, but if not, Frank hoped he
and Mikey could at least stay in contact. Maybe he would finally make another
friend besides Pete for once - or even a boyfriend.
Frank tried to stamp down on that pointless hope as soon as it was formed in
his head, but he couldn't seem to squash it entirely. Mikey was nice, even if
he seemed a little fucked up - Frank wasn't one to judge, and he couldn't
remember the last time he had enjoyed pointless conversation so much. Usually
he just nodded and smiled until the guy finally offered to take him home, but
with Mikey, he had actually listened.
He knew better than to expect something like that though, because Mikey was at
least a few years older than Frank, and he probably wouldn't like him anymore
once he was sober, or even remember him for that matter.
Frank's buoyant mood instantly deflated at the thought, even though he
shouldn't be so crushed over this - it was nothing, but Frank was fragile right
now, and his aching heart weighed him down even more than Mikey's heavy body as
he pulled him along the deserted streets.
***** Frank Is A Fourteen Year Old Girl With A Crush All Because Of Gerard
*****
Even though Mikey's apartment building wasn't that far of a walk - maybe
fifteen minutes at the most under ideal conditions, Frank was exhausted already
from carrying most of Mikey's weight on his shoulders, and they had barely even
made it halfway.
Frank had plenty of practice dragging his own drunk ass home after a long
night, but this was the first time he had ever had to take into account someone
else who was in a worse state then him, and Mikey wasn't drunk, which was
something he kept having to remind himself of.
Mikey had been silent for over five minutes now, and Frank was really beginning
to worry about him. Even though he had assured Frank numerous times that he
would be fine after a few hours, Frank wasn't so certain.
What if he really was suffering from an overdose, and Frank just didn't realize
it. He didn't have any previous experience with drugs, so he wouldn't be able
to recognize the signs of one if that was indeed the case, so he just had to
hope that Mikey was right about this.
"Come on Mikey, talk to me," Frank huffed out, needing to make sure that he
hadn't passed out on him or something, even though his feet were still
stumbling along lazily, which meant he had to be at least partially conscious.
"What do you want me to say?" Mikey mumbled softly, and Frank exhaled a sigh of
relief at the fact that Mikey was still semi-functioning.
"I don't care, anything really. Tell me something I don't know about you,"
Frank shrugged. That was a pretty broad topic since he had only met Mikey a few
hours ago, so that should give him plenty of options.
"I used to be in a band," Mikey sighed out after another minute of nothing but
Frank's heavy breathing and their echoing footfalls resounding down the quiet
street.
"Oh yeah? Were you any good?" Frank had to admit that the fact that Mikey was a
musician made him even hotter in his eyes, but now was not the time for those
thoughts.
"Yeah man, I think we were pretty decent, even though that might make me sound
stuck up or something," Mikey chuckled dryly.
"What were you called?" Frank asked, trying to keep Mikey's attention on their
conversation, and not on how far they still had to go.
"My Chemical Romance. I thought of the name actually, it was the title of some
book I saw when I worked at Barnes and Noble, and I always loved it. So when my
brother came to me with this crazy idea to get a band together, I suggested it,
and he went for it."
"Hmm...I haven't heard of it, but I'm more of a classic rock guy myself. What
instrument did you play?" Talking with Mikey was actually doing a good job of
distracting Frank from his aching limbs and Mikey's dead weight, not to mention
he was genuinely interested in Mikey's band.
"I was the bass player, I taught myself just so I could be in the band -
dropped out of college and everything for it, and then Gerard goes and ends it
before we barely even got started." Mikey's words were laced with venom, and
Frank winced in sympathy. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it must feel
like to have your band break up, but from the way Mikey was reacting just from
talking about it, it really fucking sucked.
"If you don't mind me asking, why did he call it off?" Frank could sense that
this was something Mikey would never talk about when sober, especially not to a
complete stranger, but Frank was truly curious about what had happened.
"I don't even know...it was so unexpected. The band was his baby; he created
it, and then one day, out of the blue, he says it's over. I mean, yeah - a lot
of shit happened, and we were all getting pretty fucked up, but breaking up the
band only made it worse in my opinion," Mikey scoffed angrily, and even though
Frank really wanted to know more, they had finally made it to the apartment
complex that Mikey had said he lived in, which was called Synergy Gardens,
whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean.
"Hey Mikey, we are here. Which one do you live in?" Frank really hoped that
Mikey would remember, because this place was huge, and it wasn't just one large
building with different levels. It had numerous sections to it that sprawled
all over the place, and Frank didn't even see a front office where he could ask
for help.
"The number is 515, but they don't do it by floors or whatever, it's just kinda
random. If this is the front gate, we need to follow this road for a bit."
Mikey pointed to his left, and Frank trudged along in the direction Mikey said,
hoping his navigation skills were still functioning, because his legs were
getting really fucking tired.
"Now what?" Frank gasped out when the road ended in a sort of cul-de-sac,
forcing Frank to pause as Mikey gathered his bearings.
"Just walk up that path, and then it's the building on our left. It's on the
second floor, three or four doors in I think."
"Okay - fuck that's a lot of stairs..." Frank groaned when he caught sight of
the metal steps they would have to climb to reach the second level. It could
have been worse though, so Frank was grateful that Mikey didn't live on the top
floor at least. There was probably an elevator around here somewhere, but Frank
was too exhausted to waste the effort looking for one.
"I know, I'm so sorry Frank. I haven't said thank you enough for this," Mikey
huffed out, and Frank noticed that he was supporting himself a little better
now, even though he was still leaning on Frank pretty heavily.
"It's fine dude, like I said before - I like you, and there was no way I was
going to leave you in the bar." Frank tried to brush it off like it was
nothing, but Mikey wasn't having it.
"No, you totally should have, and I would have deserved it, but you didn't. I
swear - I'm taking you out to dinner or something as an apology."
"If you want to." Frank turned his head slightly in an attempt to hide his
growing blush.
"I do." Mikey grinned down at Frank when they paused momentarily to build up
some energy to tackle the stairs.
"Well let's get you home first, and we can talk about dinner later," Frank
smiled back before hefting Mikey into a slightly more comfortable position and
tackling the first set of stairs with a renewed sense of energy brought on by
Mikey's words.
After what seemed like hours of struggling up the metal stairs, but what was
probably only five minutes at the most, Frank and Mikey made it to the second
floor. Frank actually had to stop for a moment to catch his breath before
continuing down the long hallway. He didn't think he was that out of shape, but
carrying a full grown man across town was the most exercise he had participated
in all year.
"Almost there," Mikey whispered, and Frank could only nod in agreement.
"515 right?" Frank asked while he glanced at the swirling numbers that
decorated each door.
"Yeah, it's the next one on the left."
Sure enough, after only a few more painful steps, the door embossed with the
number 515 graced Frank's vision, and he gave himself a mental pat on the back
for making it this far without collapsing. Grasping the doorknob with his free
hand, Frank tried to turn it, but it was locked.
"I need your key," Frank panted out as he leaned Mikey up against the wall to
give his aching arms a rest, and Mikey a free hand to fish the key out with.
"Fucking hell - I don't have it...I meant to go back to Ray's after I went to
the bar. All my shit is there." Mikey admitted with a guilty look on his face
after patting down his pockets quickly, causing Frank to stare at him in
disbelief.
"How am I supposed to get in then?" Frank groaned loudly, because there was no
way he was going to walk all the way back to the front gates to try and find
someone to help them, not without a quick sit down at the very least.
"Just knock; my brother should be in, he never leaves the apartment unless he
has to," Mikey sighed out as he let himself slip to the ground, his gangly
limbs sprawling out around him at an awkward angle.
"God I hope he's home," Frank muttered under his breath before raising his fist
and rapping firmly on the door.
Luckily for him, he heard someone moving around inside, and he didn't have to
wait long before the door was yanked open rather roughly by who Frank could
only assume was Mikey's brother, Gerard.
And to this day, Frank had no idea what he did, or even said, when he got his
first glimpse of Gerard Way, because time seemed to stop and speed up all at
once. Frank felt frozen in his body, and he couldn't command it do anything
besides for stand there and gaze at Gerard.
Gerard was seriously captivating, and Frank never really stood a chance. Frank
had thought Mikey was cute, and he was, but Gerard was on an entirely different
level. The brothers had some similarities, but the features they shared seemed
to flow better on Gerard's face, and Frank actually forgot how to breathe as he
continued to stare awkwardly at Gerard.
Everything about him; from his cheekbones, to his inky black hair which just
barely brushed his shoulders, to his stunning hazel eyes which were flecked
with green and gold, made Frank's knees go weak and his heartbeat speed up.
And even though Gerard was clothed in a ratty pair of sweatpants and a dirty
white t-shirt, holding a half empty beer bottle in his hand, he pulled it off
in a way that no one else could.
Gerard was just beautiful,no - that didn't even cover it, he was stunning,
gorgeous even - he was too good to be real, at least in Frank's opinion, and he
had the odd desire to reach out and touch him, just to make sure he wasn't some
figment of his imagination that Frank had just conjured up.
But Frank couldn't move his arms, or any part of his body, just his eyes
actually, which roved up and down Gerard's slim figure hungrily.
It was if the universe had paused this moment in time, just to put emphasis on
the fact that Gerard was special, andimportant, and the world wanted to make
sure Frank realized that, even though he probably would have figured that out
all on his own.
Frank knew Gerard was different the second he first laid eyes on him, but he
wasn't able to fathom how much. There was no way he could have discerned how
truly broken Gerard was under his flawless exterior, and how much he could
potentially fuck Frank up if Frank allowed him into his life.
Frank had no idea that this was the moment that would change his life forever,
but it was, and if he had any clue what was about to happen, he would have ran
off as fast as his shaky legs could carry him, but he didn't know - of course
he didn't.
And because Frank couldn't see into the future, he didn't hightail it out of
there; instead, he drank in Gerard like he was the last drop of water in a
desert oasis, and it didn't matter that the alluring liquid was laced with
poison, because Frank couldn't taste the deadly substance, and it was just too
tempting to resist, even if he had been aware of it in the first place.
Frank had no idea how much time had passed as stood there trying to absorb
every minute detail about Gerard, but it seemed like hours had flown by, but in
reality, it had probably been thirty seconds at the most.
Frank had no idea why Gerard had seized his attention so quickly, and why he
couldn't stop staring at him, but he had just enough alcohol still swimming
through his bloodstream not to question his strange behavior. He simply wrote
it off, because Gerard was the hottest person he had ever seen in real life, so
his reaction wasn't really that weird - right? It totally was, but Frank was
passed the point of caring.
And a small part of his brain was screaming at him to get a grip; he had just
been crushing on Mikey minutes earlier hadn't he, and if Mikey was out of his
league, Gerard was so far beyond Frank's reach that they might as well live on
different planets, but Frank didn't want to be logical right now. Frank wanted
to take a risk, because his entire existence was filled with being responsible
because his mother couldn't, and Frank was so tired of playing it safe.
And it didn't even matter that he didn't know Gerard at all, and that he might
not even be gay, and that Frank was acting like a total creep, because Frank
had never felt this way before about anyone, and he couldn't help but think
that this is what those romance movies always tried to convey when the main
characters met for the first time, but their cheesy renditions didn't do this
feeling justice - not by a long shot.
Honestly, it was probably only because Gerard was gorgeous, and Frank's usual
hookups were decent looking at best, and much older than him for the most part,
so he had no chance - or even the desire - to ever pursue anything more with
them besides for one night of pleasure, so that was a reasonable explanation
for why Frank was basically falling head over heels for a guy he had only met
five seconds ago.
And even though Frank knew he needed to move, or at least wave, his brain
seemed disconnected from his body, and everything else besides for Gerard had
become fuzzy and unimportant.
Frank's gaze kept being drawn back to his eyes; there was something about the
colorful irises that made Frank want to examine them for hours so he could pick
out each individual color that was speckled throughout them. Frank was an eye
man, like some people are a butt man, or a boob man - not that Frank didn't
appreciate a nice butt, but Frank was a sucker for a guy with pretty eyes.
Gerard's eyes weren't just pretty though, they were something else entirely,
and Frank felt the need to make up a new adjective simply to describe them.
They seemed so mysterious, like all the secrets of the universe were contained
inside them, if you could only find the key, and Frank wanted to know it all,
even if the knowledge ended up destroying him.
But there was something darker underneath the surface, something painful and
hidden that even the hazy blur of alcohol couldn't eradicate completely, and
just how Frank had felt a kinship with Mikey from the start, that feeling was
intensified with Gerard one thousand fold, even though he hadn't spoken one
word to him, but that didn't matter right now.
And even though Frank felt like time had been suspended just for his own
personal gratification, it really hadn't. In reality, he had been standing in
Gerard's doorway and staring at him in the most creepy manner possible for at
least a minute now, but Frank liked to believe that he maintained some
composure, and actually said something decently relevant, or at least "hi",
even though he really hadn't even opened his mouth.
And when Frank finally snapped out of whatever weird haze the sight of Gerard
had put him in, he realized that Gerard was too distracted by Mikey, who was
still leaning against the wall weakly, to notice Frank's weird as fuck
behavior, and he breathed a sigh of relief at that fact.
"Can you help me get him inside," Gerard spoke while motioning for Frank to
help him get his brother up off the landing and into the house.
Those were the first words that Gerard spoke to Frank, and even though it
wasn't anything profound - or even memorable, it was to Frank.
Gerard's voice was just as gorgeous as his appearance, even though it wasn't
what Frank had expected. It was slightly higher pitched then Frank had imagined
it would be, but it was melodic as well, strung through with a thick Jersey
accent which put Frank's to shame, even though he had lived here his whole
life.
Realizing he had been zoning out again, Frank jumped slightly in embarrassment
before hurrying over to Mikey's side, and between him and Gerard, they easily
carried the lanky man into the house.
"Fucking hell Mikes..." Gerard was muttering under his breath, and Frank
wondered if he should introduce himself, or maybe he had already done that
earlier, and he just couldn't remember it.
"I'm fine Gee, I just need to sleep it off. This isn't the first time this has
happened," Mikey scoffed, causing Gerard to roll his eyes obnoxiously.
"Yeah I know it isn't, but that's why you should fucking quit. This stuff is
going to kill you!" Gerard exclaimed angrily, but he was still gentle with
Mikey as he helped him walk into the living room.
"Oh like you're one to talk," Mikey shot back, but his harsh words didn't seem
to faze Gerard at all.
"This isn't about me, fuck - let's just get you in bed, we can talk about this
later," Gerard sighed out in a tired tone of voice as he scooped Mikey up
bridal style, setting down his bottle of beer on a nearby counter first,
leaving Frank to stand there awkwardly by the couch with no idea what to do
now. He didn't want to leave, not before he got a chance to speak with Gerard
for a little bit, but this was obviously a private situation, and Frank didn't
want to intrude.
"I - I'll just go...uh -" Frank stammered out, but his mouth snapped shut when
Gerard turned around and graced Frank with those stunning eyes again.
"No, please stay. This will only be a minute. Just make yourself at home, there
is beer and stuff in the fridge. I'll be right out," Gerard offered, and Frank
really couldn't say no to that, so he simply nodded in acceptance before
sinking down onto the couch slowly, glad for an opportunity to rest his tired
legs.
Frank had to take a moment to gather his wits, so he glanced around the
apartment idly in an attempt to calm himself down. It was actually a really
nice place, despite the mess that was scattered around the room. Random prices
of paper littered almost every surface, and on closer inspection, Frank noticed
that most of them contained half-finished sketches, or scratched out words, but
the majority of them had been crumpled up and tossed aside without any effort
being put into placing them in a trash can.
The coffee table was almost completely covered in empty beer bottles, and even
one container of absolut vodka, and Frank hoped that it was an accumulation of
a couple of days of drinking, because even with Frank's high tolerance, he
would probably have kidney failure if he drank that much in one night.
There was also quite a few take out containers interspersed among the alcohol,
which backed up what Mikey had said before. Gerard really must not leave his
apartment unless it was absolutely necessary.
Unfortunately, observing his surroundings did nothing to soothe Frank's racing
heart, and he was slightly worried he might pass out soon if he didn't calm
himself down. He had no idea why he was feeling this way; it couldn't just be
because of Gerard, that would be preposterous, it was probably just a
combination of two much exertion and alcohol, because those two didn't really
mix.
That wasn't to say that Gerard wasn't part of the problem - of course he was,
and Frank had no idea what to do about that now that the initial feeling star
struck feeling had receded slightly. Frank had a crush on Gerard, that was
obvious, but just like usual, nothing could happen, because Gerard was an
adult, and Frank was still technically a child, and there was no way Gerard
would ever be interested in someone like him.
And even if he somehow did want to be with Frank, there was no way it could
ever actually happen. Frank worked almost every evening, not to mention still
attended school, and the rest of his free time was taking up by watching over
his mother, which was why Frank never even considered trying to find a
relationship. One night stands were all he would ever get, and Frank thought he
was okay with that fact.
He could still try to hook up with Gerard though, that wasn't outside the realm
of possibilities, and one night with that gorgeous man would be much better
than nothing. It felt sort of strange though; Frank had been planning on
sleeping with his brother only a few hours ago, and Gerard wasn't a lonely man
looking for a quick fuck in a bar, so he probably wouldn't be open to the idea.
Frank's head was spinning wildly now, and he just wanted all of his confusing
thoughts to shut the fuck up for a minute so he could gather his bearings and
regain some semblance of the normal, in control Frank he usually was. Two cute
guys shouldn't have the ability to throw his entire world into chaos, but
apparently that was all it took to make Frank into a pathetic mess - not that
he had been in good shape to start with tonight, but Gerard and Mikey had
definitely intensified the feeling of being an absolute wreck of a person.
So Frank did the only logical thing he could think of - at least, it was
logical in his fucked up mind, so he went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer,
because alcohol fixed everything right?
Once he had opened the bottle and brought it to his lips, Frank realized that
he could hear Gerard and Mikey speaking in low tones from the next room, and
even though he knew he shouldn't be eavesdropping, Frank couldn't resist
listening in on the two brothers.
"Why the hell didn't you text me back? I was worried sick," Gerard's voice came
through the walls, and Frank could tell he was pissed.
"I left my phone at Ray's okay?I didn't do it on purpose, and I was going to
head back there before this happened."
"You scared me Mikes..." Gerard's words were so soft, Frank wasn't sure if he
had heard them right, so he pressed his ear against the adjoining wall,
ignoring the guilty twist in his stomach as he did so.
"It sure as hell doesn't look like it," Mikey spat out coldly.
"What the fuck was I supposed to do? I called Ray, and he said you took off,
and I wasn't going to search the town for you."
"Whatever Gerard, I don't care anymore. Just leave me alone. Tell Frank thanks
again okay," Mikey sighed out in a tired tone of voice.
"Yeah I will...what is he, your new boyfriend or something? I thought you and
Ray were dating?"
"No, Ray and I just fuck sometimes, we aren't actually together, and Frank
isn't my boyfriend either. I met him at a bar, and he bought me a drink, then
he offered to help me home. He's really fucking sweet, so be nice to him okay?
I'm just gonna sleep this off," Mikey's voice became even more muffled, and
Frank could only assume that he had buried his face in a pillow.
"I'm checking up on you in an hour," Gerard warned his brother sternly.
"I'm not gonna fucking die Gerard."
Frank didn't stay to listen to the rest, because he heard footsteps leaving
Mikey's room, and the last thing he wanted to do was get caught being a
complete creeper by the hottest guy Frank had ever seen, so he scrambled back
into the living room, managing not to spill his beer in the process, and by the
time Gerard emerged from the hallway he had disappeared down early, Frank was
casually reclining on the couch while sipping his beer.
"Hey," Gerard waved, and it was just a simple word, and a pointless gesture,
but Frank felt like he was drowning in the rush of butterflies that seemed to
attack him the moment Gerard acknowledged his presence, and no matter how many
times Frank told himself he was acting like a fourteen year old girl with a
crush, and he needed to man up before he completely embarrassed himself in
front of Gerard, that didn't stop him from feeling like his stomach was tying
itself into knots, and his heart might just beat straight out of his chest if
Gerard kept looking at him with that adorable smile on his face.
"Hi," Frank smiled back, and that was it - Frank had sealed his fate with that
stupidly simply sentence, even though he had no idea what the fuck he had just
gotten himself into.
But that is the thing about life; it doesn't come with a guidebook, and it
isn't a video game that you can just turn off and return to the last saved
point to try again. Frank had taken the plunge by choosing to stay in Gerard's
house, and no matter how this all was going to end, it had started, and there
was no going back now.
If Frank had an inkling of what was to come, he never would have walked Mikey
home in the first place, and his entire life would have turned out completely
differently, but he did take Mikey home, and it was too late to retrace his
steps and change his decision.
Fate, or destiny, or whatever the fuck controlled people had its claws firmly
embedded into Frank, and he couldn't escape now, even if he wanted to.
***** X-Men And Vodka - So Basically A Perfect First Date In Frank's Opinion
*****
Gerard glided over to the couch where Frank was awkwardly sitting with his
spine completely straight, as if good posture was somehow going to make a
better impression on Gerard, but it couldn't hurt - right?
And Frank was staring again; he knew he was, but he just couldn't help it.
Gerard drew his eyes like a moth to flame, and no matter how hard he tried, he
couldn't wrench his gaze away from Gerard.
Gerard stopped directly in front of Frank, grabbing his abandoned beer bottle
before flopping down onto the couch with a sigh of contentment, turning to
Frank with an unreadable expression on his face.
"So I guess this is where we do the awkward introductions, but I'm sure Mikey
already told you who I am, and if he didn't - I'm Gerard. I know you are Frank,
and you are sweet, according to my brother that is, so now we have that out of
the way," Gerard chuckled softly, and Frank felt his own lips twitching upward
as well.
"Yeah, uh - he did mention you, and yes, I'm Frank - obviously, and I'm not
that sweet, but thanks." Frank felt his cheeks flaming scarlet, and he really
hoped the dim lighting in the room was enough to keep Gerard from noticing.
"No - thank you for bringing Mikey home, seriously, I can't say that enough,"
Gerard gushed, and that was when Frank recognized the look Gerard was giving
him - it was gratitude, and the only reason Frank hadn't caught on to it before
was because no one ever looked at him that way - why would they? Frank never
meant anything to anyone, except maybe Pete, but to have a stranger genuinely
thank him was an entirely new experience.
"I - uh, it was no problem. I just felt bad, and fuck knows there have been a
few nights I have wished that someone would care enough to walk me home - you
know?" Frank stammered out, surprised that he was able to form coherent words.
He felt like he was choking on air every time he breathed in, as if the
atmosphere had increased in density now that Gerard was in such close proximity
to him, and Frank was left feeling dizzy and lightheaded.
"But that's the thing - youdid care, and nobody cares about strangers, not
really, except you. So let me thank you, okay? I was really worried, and you
kept him safe, and that means a lot to me." Gerard flashed Frank a small smile,
one corner of his mouth pulling up higher than the other, and Frank actually
thought he might swoon for a second, but luckily, he managed to restrain
himself and maintain whatever was left of his dwindling dignity.
"Okay." Frank raised his beer to his lips with a shaky hand, just to give
himself something to do. He finished it off with a few deep gulps, hoping the
alcohol would take affect quickly so he could find some liquid courage to
actually say something slightly interesting. His buzz from earlier was almost
completely gone, the walk back to the apartment had made certain of that.
"You want another - I need to grab one anyway," Gerard asked, raising his own
empty bottle up as he spoke.
"Yeah - I mean, if you are cool with that. I don't want to overstay my welcome
or anything. I can totally go," Frank rambled out, because even though he
wanted nothing more than to stay here with Gerard all night, he didn't want to
come off as desperate, or a pity case who was only here to get as many free
beers as he could.
"It's no problem Frank - really. You dragged my brother's sorry ass all the way
home, so the least I can do is give you some beer. Plus, I was kind of lonely,
and it's nice having someone else here who isn't Mikey, so please - don't leave
yet." Gerard stood up and headed to the kitchen before Frank could even begin
to form a response - the answer was yes, of course he would stay, but Gerard
seemed to assume that without needing verbal confirmation, which was just fine
with Frank.
As Frank watched Gerard sway into the kitchen, he got an impressive view of his
ass, and even draped in baggy sweat pants, Frank was left trying to wet his
mouth with his tongue, because it had suddenly become as dry as the Sahara
Desert.
Frank was actually getting sort of freaked out by his strong visceral reaction
to Gerard, and he began to wonder if maybe he should take his leave after all
before he ended up tearing all of Gerard's clothes off and embarrassing himself
in front of the man. He probably wouldn't go that far, but it didn't seem too
impossible with the way Frank was feeling, and he didn't know how much longer
he would be able to control himself from making some sort of move on Gerard.
Frank had never experienced such an intense attraction for anyone before, and
it honestly scared him. He didn't know how to deal with this burning desire
that he couldn't quench, and it was slightly terrifying, but also exhilarating.
Gerard hadn't even done anything to initiate these emotions, but apparently he
didn't have to, and Frank was pretty sure that if Gerard so much as causally
brushed his arm in passing, he would come in his pants.
This just didn't make any sense - yes, Gerard was hot, well, stunning actually,
but Frank had never considered himself to be overly concerned with looks. He
had slept with some pretty unfortunate looking men in the past, and he had
still managed to get aroused by them, so he always thought that physical
appearance didn't really matter all that much, but Gerard was throwing that
theory out the window just by existing.
But it wasn't simply Gerard's looks that were making Frank feel this way - it
couldn't be, but he didn't know what else was contributing to his unexplained
affections. He knew nothing about Gerard, except that he had a brother who used
coke, and he used to be in a band, but he felt like he did know him somehow, or
maybe he just wanted to know him.
Whatever it was, it was driving Frank insane, but it was something different,
somethingnew, and for the first time in years, Frank wasn't thinking about his
father, or his pathetic life - Gerard had chased all of those thoughts out of
his head with his presence alone, and that was enough to make Frank want to
stick around as long as possible.
Frank didn't know what he hoped to accomplish by staying, he couldn't just
throw himself at Gerard, that wasn't his style, but his social interactions
were strictly limited to his hookups at the bar, so he was really out of his
depth here. Plus, he wanted Gerard - badly, but it was highly unlikely that
Gerard felt the same way.
And Frank was just considering making up some lame excuse so he could escape
this crazy mind fuck, because no matter how intriguing Gerard was, it was
probably better if Frank just left and tried to forget about him. His brain was
running in circles already, and it might give out on him if he spent any more
time around Gerard, so even though it physically pained him to think of never
seeing Gerard again, it might be beneficial for his already questionable mental
health.
But when Gerard walked back into the living room with two beers clutched in one
of his long fingered hands, Frank knew there was no way he could convince
himself to leave now, no matter what ended up happening tonight.
"Here you go," Gerard leaned down, placing Frank's beer directly in his hand,
which in turn caused their fingertips to brush ever so slightly.
Frank almost dropped his bottle at the small amount of contact, because he
actually felt sparks flowing from the point where their two hands touched -
fucking sparks - like this was some cheesy romantic comedy or some shit.
Somehow, Frank managed to keep a straight face until Gerard pulled his hand
away, and it had to just be Frank's imagination that made it seem like Gerard
had lingered there for a few seconds longer than was entirely necessary.
"Is Mikey going to be okay?" Frank blurted out the first thing he could think
of when he realized he had been silent for far too long, and it wasn't a bad
topic. It was definitely much better than what was currently running through
his head, because blurting out "fuck me - please" would probably end his short
acquaintanceship with Gerard, even though his reaction would be interesting to
see.
"Yes - for tonight at least, but he won't be if he can't kick this shit. He's
getting careless, and taking way too much, too often. I hate to think what
would have happened to him if you hadn't been there..." Gerard answered with a
heavy sigh, leaning back against the couch tiredly.
"I'm glad I was with him...I assumed he was just drunk at first, then I freaked
out because I thought he was going to OD or something," Frank chuckled wryly,
even though there was nothing funny about Mikey dying, it was more an
uncomfortable laugh than anything else, and Gerard seemed to understand that.
"I just wish he would stop, even though I understand why he can't. I have my
own addictions, obviously, but I quit the coke at least. That shit was just too
intense for me..." Gerard took a long pull at his beer bottle as if to
highlight his previous mentioned problems, but Frank understood his dependence
on alcohol. He would be a hypocrite if he didn't, because that was one thing
they shared, and Frank empathized with him all too well.
"I've never done drugs, and I don't think I want to. Alcohol is enough for me -
well, most of the time it is. I guess I can see the appeal though, it would be
nice to really forget about everything for a few hours."
Frank wasn't even one hundred percent sure if drugs truly made you forget, but
he thought that's what they did, along with giving you a false sense of
happiness - or something like that. Now that he actually considered the idea,
Frank was honestly surprised that he hadn't tried some sort of substance, but
it wasn't like he knew any dealers, and the risks were enough to steer him away
from them.
"That's good - don't start, ever. They are alluring, but it's not all good.
They make you someone you aren't, you can't control yourself, and when that
happens, things can go wrong. I can be drunk off my ass and still aware of
myself, but when I'm high...I don't even know where I am, or what's happening,
and that's fucking scary." Gerard ended on a whisper, and by the faraway look
in his eyes - which Frank had noticed because he was staring at them, again -
Frank guessed that Gerard was reliving a part of his past, and it wasn't a good
memory.
"I won't, I wouldn't even know how to get them if I did. It's not like you can
go to the pub and ask for some coke," Frank chuckled wryly, trying to lighten
the mood with his lame attempt at humor.
"Good, I wouldn't want to see you end up like Mikey - you are too young."
Gerard snapped back to himself and caught Frank's eyes with his own.
The intensity burning in his hazel irises had Frank choking back a gasp, and
Gerard would have to be deaf not to hear the stifled intake of breath, but he
didn't comment on it. Frank just couldn't comprehend the emotions hidden within
Gerard's gaze; it was like he actually cared what happened to Frank, and it
would genuinely upset him if Frank turned to drugs, but that was impossible -
Frank must have simply misread his expression.
"I'm not that young," Frank scoffed, even though he really was, but he couldn't
let Gerard know that, not if he wanted to have any chance of something more
than conversation coming out of this evening, and he needed to say something to
distract Gerard - and himself - from his strong reaction to Gerard's words.
"You are young enough, come on - you can't be more than eighteen," Gerard
giggled softly, waving the hand he was holding his beer in for emphasis.
"I'm twenty-one." Frank crossed his arms over his chest, trying to appear stern
and believable all at the same time. That was the age he always claimed, the
one that his fake ID said he was, and so far, most people didn't seem to
question it, but Gerard was not most people.
"Frank, you aren't a liar; I know you aren't, so just tell me the truth. I
won't take that beer back or anything, and I really don't care, but please
don't spin me the same story I am sure you have told your bartender hundreds of
times." Gerard cocked one eyebrow at Frank, waiting for the truth, but that was
not something Frank was going to admit to.
"Fine...I'm nineteen," Frank hung his head slightly so Gerard couldn't see the
deception on his face, and hopefully he would drop the issue now that Frank had
provided a more believable age.
For some reason, Frank's stomach churned uncomfortably, and he had to resist
the urge to squirm in his seat - that might come off as suspicious. At first,
Frank thought he might have drunk too much, too fast, but then he realized it
was because he didn't like lying to Gerard for whatever reason.
For a second, Frank was gripped with the ridiculous idea of telling Gerard the
truth, but that would ruin any chance he had with him - he would be lucky if
Gerard didn't throw him out when he discovered he was underage, so he couldn't
understand why the fuck he would ever want to be honest with him.
Maybe it was just the aura Gerard gave off, and the way he seemed to try and
draw Frank out his self-imposed shell. Frank felt more comfortable with Gerard
than he did around most people he interacted with on a daily basis, so that
could explain the irrational urge for honesty - not that he was actually going
to go through with it.
"Well I'm twenty-six, not that it matters - age is just a number and all that
shit. It's true though, at least - I think it is. I don't believe that your
mental maturity has as much to do with how many years you have been alive, but
more with how you havelived - what you have experienced, you know?" Gerard
smiled reassuringly at Frank as he spoke, and Frank found himself soaking in
his words, and left wanting when Gerard stopped talking.
Gerard came alive in that second, and Frank caught a small glimpse of the real
man behind the alcohol and exhaustion that hung around him like a second skin.
A small light burned in his eyes, and Frank could tell he was passionate about
this subject, and he could have listened to him ramble on for hours.
"That makes a lot of sense when you put it like that, I just never really
thought of it that way. I feel much older than nineteen to be honest," Frank
sighed out, draining the rest of his second beer when he finished his sentence.
Frank was slightly worried about maintaining his lie as the night progressed,
but hopefully, Gerard wouldn't bring up this topic again now that it was
settled, and it wasn't that difficult to remember the age he had claimed, he
just had to keep his wits about him.
"You seem it - not in a bad way or anything, you don'tlook old. It's just in
your eyes. The eyes never lie, and you have ancient eyes," Gerard mumbled
quietly, and Frank felt himself blushing again at the fact that Gerard had
actually looked at him long enough to notice his eyes.
"Yeah...I am not surprised that I do." Frank gazed at his now empty beer bottle
instead of at Gerard, wanting another, but too nervous to ask Gerard for
anything else.
"You want a refill, or if you are feeling up to it, I have stronger stuff? Now
that Mikey is home safe, I don't have to worry about being relatively sober,"
Gerard asked, almost as if he had read Frank's mind.
"Stronger would be good," Frank nodded, maybe a bit too eagerly, but Gerard
didn't notice, and Frank was sort of desperate to recapture the elusive buzz
that kept slipping through his fingers - beer just wasn't enough for him right
now.
Gerard disappeared into the kitchen again, and Frank could hear him rummaging
around in the cabinets, but he wasn't gone for more than a minute before he
emerged once again with a full bottle of vodka and two glasses, as well as some
cranberry juice, all balanced precariously in his arms.
Frank was grateful for Gerard's rapid return, because that meant that his mind
didn't have enough time to spiral off into another tangent, and he had already
been formulating all the reasons why staying here any longer was a terrible
idea, but that train of thought dissipated at the mere sight of Gerard.
"Here, let me help." Frank bolted up from the couch quickly, managing to snag
the two glasses which looked dangerously close to toppling over. Frank set them
down on the crowded coffee table, shifting some of the other empty bottles
aside to make room for Gerard to place the vodka and juice.
"Mikey was right - you are sweet," Gerard smirked once everything had made it
onto the table without incident.
"I - uh..." Frank was blushing - again, turning away quickly to try and avoid
Gerard's gaze, which resulted in him almost tripping over the leg of the coffee
table in his haste.
"Hey - stop trying to hide it, I think you are cute when you blush." Gerard
grabbed Frank's arm to steady him as he stumbled, and Frank forced himself to
stay still and stop panicking over nothing.
But this wasn't nothing - Gerard had said he was cute, which was basically
everything to Frank right now, and he was lucky that his heart hadn't exploded
just from hearing those words, but it seemed on its way there with how fast it
was beating.
And since when did Frank blush anyway; he was used to this game, it had
happened to him more times than he could count, but Gerard made him feel
innocent again, unspoiled even, and he liked it - a lot.
"Thanks," Frank heaved out, settling himself back down onto the couch carefully
so he wouldn't end up knocking the table again. Frank didn't know if he was
thanking Gerard for the compliment, or for catching him before he fell, but
both situations applied to his statement, and he didn't bother clarifying.
Gerard didn't release his hold on Frank's arm until he was seated, and Frank
felt strangely empty when he finally did. He missed the tingle that shot
through his veins when Gerard touched him, even in an innocent way, which of
course had Frank wondering how intense the sensation would grow if Gerard was
grazing his naked skin, oh fuck - Frank needed to stop his imagination now
before he popped a hard on.
"I didn't know if you like to mix your drinks or not, I do it sometimes, but I
only have cranberry juice, so I hope that's okay," Gerard gestured to said
juice, and Frank nodded to show that it was in fact perfectly fine, but his
mind was still stuck a minute in the past, because Gerard had called himcute,
but now he was acting like he hadn't, and Frank wanted to return to that train
of thought, but he couldn't think of how to do that without coming off as
weird, or attention seeking.
Frank regretted not commenting on it earlier, but the moment had passed, and
Frank had been too caught off guard to flirt back like he normally would.
Gerard made him feel awkward and inexperienced, but not necessarily in a bad
way - it was just really fucking strange.
"This is great, perfect actually," Frank finally spoke up when he realized that
Gerard had started talking again while he had been zoning out, something about
maybe having some other types of liquor if Frank didn't like vodka, but Frank
was honestly fine with anything that contained alcohol.
"Cool," Gerard smiled as he poured himself a drink, handing Frank the bottle
afterward so he could make himself one as well.
"Is that X-Men?" Frank asked once he was finished preparing his drink, pointing
toward the television which was paused at the moment.
"Yeah it is, it's still close to the beginning if you want to watch it with
me," Gerard offered, shifting slightly on the couch, and even though he was
probably just trying to find a more comfortable position, Frank couldn't help
but notice how it placed him even closer to Frank, their thighs were basically
touching by this point.
"I'd like that." Frank couldn't stop smiling as Gerard eagerly grabbed the
remote and started up the movie.
Frank loved X-Men, and the fact that Gerard obviously enjoyed it too was just
making Frank even more attracted to him. Gerard seemed perfect, and even though
Frank knew he wasn't - nobody was truly perfect - he couldn't help but feel
privileged that he was here, in Gerard's house, watching a movie with him like
they were old friends, or maybe even a couple on a casual date, instead of
complete strangers that just so happened to be desperate for company.
For the first time in years, Frank felt actually happy, and everything that had
been plaguing him earlier this evening fell away like petals from a dying
flower. It was probably just a product of the alcohol flowing through his
veins, and the fact that there was an insanely hot man sitting next to him, but
whatever the reason, Frank didn't care.
He was content, and that was rare, so he was going to enjoy this while it
lasted, and the fact that Gerard had so willingly accepted him into his home
truly touched Frank. He wanted to voice his thoughts, he wanted to tell Gerard
how much this really meant to him, but he didn't, because that might ruin the
moment, and he knew he couldn't put what he was feeling isn't words, not
properly.
So instead, Frank chose to stay silent, soaking up the sensation of simply
being close to Gerard, and for once, Frank wasn't worrying about the hundreds
of problems that he would have to face in the morning, because right now,
tomorrow didn't exist, it was just him, and Gerard, and the rest of the world
had been put on pause as far as Frank was concerned.
***** Frank Iero The Gerard Watcher - Coming Soon To Animal Planet *****
As the movie began to play, and Frank settled back onto the couch with his
drink in hand, he was halfway convinced that he had died and gone to Heaven
somehow, even though he was pretty sure he would remember if he had bit the big
one, but that was the only explanation for how tonight had turned out so far.
It seemed much more plausible that Frank had passed away in the last five
minutes than to think that this was all real; that would explain Gerard's
perfection at the very least, because someone like him could definitely make
Frank a believer in angels.
Frank mentally winced as his cheesy analogy, but he couldn't seem to help
himself tonight; Gerard had turned Frank into a sappy mess of emotions, and he
had no idea how to deal with it, but at least he hadn't voiced any of his
thoughts out loud, and as long as Gerard wasn't a mind reader, his corny
commentary was safely contained inside his head.
Frank wasn't even entirely certain how he had gone from trying to find a hookup
in the bar, to befriending Mikey, to ending to next to the most beautiful man
he had ever seen, but he definitely wasn't complaining, no matter how
unrealistic this entire situation seemed.
It wasn't like Frank couldn't remember the actual events of this evening - of
course he could, and honestly, he would probably never forget them, but good
things in Frank's life were few and far between, and people like Gerard
shouldn't want to be around people like Frank, but hedid, and that made Frank's
sad existence a little easier to bear.
And even though Gerard hadn't really done that much - he had simply given Frank
a few drinks and let him stay over for a bit - those small gestures meant
everything to Frank, because kindness wasn't something that Frank was used to
dealing with, and this was the last thing he had assumed would happen to him
tonight, which just made it all the more special to him.
Gerard just seemed too good to be true, and Frank had been expecting to be
politely asked to leave as soon as Mikey was home safe, but Gerard had welcomed
Frank into his home - hislife, and Frank didn't deserve that, which made him
even more grateful for that gift that Gerard had unknowingly given him - the
gift of being wanted, which meant more to Frank than any material possession he
could ever receive.
You would think that Frank would have experienced situations similar to this
before, and in a way, he had, but it had never meant anything to him, because
he had paid for them with his body. Even though it was never actually worded
that way, Frank knew it was true; a kind word and a free drink was a sign to
Frank that he was being buttered up for sex, and no one had ever been sweet to
Frank without wanting something more - that was what made Gerard different.
Gerard just seemed like this entity of goodness, someone told about in
storybooks, but never actually existing in real life, and Frank kept waiting
for the other shoe to drop, and Gerard to laugh in his face before telling him
what a fool he had been to think that he was actually wanted here, but that was
just Frank's insecurities kicking in, and he knew Gerard would have already
thrown him out if this was some elaborate joke meant to hurt him.
As far as Frank could tell, Gerard's intentions were entirely innocent in
nature, and that was a breath of fresh air to someone who lived the life Frank
did, where every word and action was calculated to end up in someone's bed.
Frank still felt uncomfortable here though, on edge even, and it was because of
Gerard's considerate nature, and his unexplained willingness to let Frank stay
without expecting anything in return. People like Gerard didn't do that, people
like Gerard shouldn't even look twice at Frank, and even though Frank was used
to men being attracted to him, they were never anything like Gerard.
Even when Frank went home with another man, they were usually worse off than
Frank, and not just appearance wise. They had nothing left, and it showed in he
way they spent their earnings in the bar as their life passed them by, and even
though Frank didn't have much, he did still have his youth - like Brendon had
said, and he had a chance of things maybe turning around someday, and Frank was
foolishly thinking that Gerard might just be that chance.
Because Gerard was young too, not as young as Frank, but still young, and he
could probably be out right now with someone better, doing something else,
anything really, but he had chosen Frank, Frank's company, Frank's presence,
and even though Frank had given Gerard plenty of opportunities to be rid of
him, he had actually wanted Frank to stay, and that made Frank feel like he
meant something to someone after all.
That wasn't to say that Frank didn't understand why Gerard was desperate for
some companionship, because like Frank had said before, he empathized with
Gerard, and he had a feeling that they shared many of the same demons, so it
wasn't that need to be with another person that had confounded him - no, it was
the fact that Gerard had picked Frank, because why the fuck would someone like
Gerard actually think Frank was worth anything more than a passing glance?
Gerard hadn't even been that drunk when he had first laid eyes on Frank - maybe
a little buzzed, but nowhere near that state of inebriation where anyone seems
appealing because of the alcohol flowing through your veins, which meant that
he had chosen to spend time with Frank because he really wanted to, while the
men at the bar were pretty much desperate for anything with an ass that they
could fuck, but Gerard hadn't even insinuated that he wanted sex - not that
Frank would turn him down if he did, quite the opposite actually.
But it was the fact that Gerard had chosen to treat Frank like a person with
feelings, and not just an object of pleasure that really touched Frank. He
couldn't remember the last time anyone besides Pete had offered to simply watch
a movie with him, but Gerard had, which in turn had Frank falling pretty much
head over heels for this man he barely knew, but it was too late to do anything
about that now.
And Frank actually dared to hope that maybe Gerard was feeling the same way
about him; he had called him cute after all, and no sane person invites a
stranger to stay in their home and watch movies unless they have some sort of
attraction to them, and even though Gerard seemed a bit odd, Frank didn't think
he was crazy.
No - he just seemed lonely, like Frank, and he wanted Frank to break that
bubble of solitude, even if it was just for tonight, but fuck, Frank wanted
more than a few hours with Gerard, but he would take whatever he could get.
Maybe they could maintain some sort of friendship after this, or perhaps even a
fuck buddy thing if the evening went where Frank hoped it did, because even
with this newfound hope Frank was feeling, he knew better than to believe that
someone like Gerard would actually want to be his boyfriend.
That idea was too insane to even contemplate, and Frank really needed to shut
his mind off before he started getting delusions of grandeur or some shit, but
fuck, just imagining Gerard as his, and Frank as Gerard's had a horde of angry
butterflies battering against the walls of Frank's stomach.
But no, he couldn't think that way, so Frank did his best to stop kidding
himself before returning his attention to the television screen, trying his
hardest to stay away from crazy thoughts of things that would never happen in a
million years.
And in this moment, Frank really wished his brain did come with a power button,
or something, because his mind was simply cycling now, repeating the same
thoughts and worries over and over, varying the wording each time as it did so,
but the meaning was essentially the same, and it was getting borderline
pathetic.
Frank was tired of his mind trying to make problems when, for once, there
wasn't any, so he forced himself to push all of his negative thoughts down into
the dark hole they typically resided in, and instead, returned his
concentration to Gerard, and maybe the movie as well.
And even though Frank loved X-Men, he had seen this particular film numerous
times before, so he found himself observing Gerard more than the screen, and he
was pretty sure that staring at Gerard could easily become his new favorite
hobby.
Gerard was just so fascinating to observe, and even though that made Frank
sound like some nature specialist taking notes on a new species of animal, it
was true. Frank felt like The Crocodile Hunter or some shit as he tried to use
his peripheral vision to keep Gerard in focus the entire time without letting
him know he was being studied - hey - maybe Frank could even get his own
television show, in which he would share the wonders of Gerard with the world.
Okay, that thought was but far-fetched, and it was safe to say that Frank was
already getting a little drunk, but he held to his belief that Gerard was a
fascinating creature to examine. His face was so expressive, and Frank couldn't
stop watching the way it changed along with the storyline of the movie; he
could almost follow the plot by the way Gerard reacted to each scene.
As the movie continued, Gerard began to shift closer and closer to Frank's side
of the couch, and now that Frank was sufficiently drunk once again - they had
both consumed numerous cups of vodka in a relatively short amount of time -
Frank wasn't overthinking everything like he had been previously, so he managed
not to have a mental breakdown at Gerard's rapidly narrowing proximity,
instead, he simply enjoyed it.
And if Frank thought about it, this was just like the bar, only it was
someone's house, so it really wasn't, but whatever. Gerard was drunk, or at
least well on his way there, and he had said he was lonely, and if Frank was
good at anything, it was hooking up with inebriated men who were looking for
someone to spend the night with them.
So Frank reciprocated Gerard's actions, pressing against his side slightly, and
when Gerard didn't react negatively, Frank leaned more of his weight against
him, inhaling deeply in satisfaction at the newfound contact.
Gerard's skin was warm, Frank could feel the pleasant heat through both of
their t-shirts, and he smelled amazing, like smoke, and beer, and something
else - some unique scent that was probably just sweat, but Frank liked it,
which probably was a sign that Frank might be a little bit too drunk when he
found the scent of an unwashed body attractive, butfuck - this was Gerard, and
Frank had yet to find anything he would actually consider a fault with the man.
It didn't take long for Gerard to wrap one arm around Frank's shoulder, and
that was when Frank knew Gerard wanted this just as much as he did; his actions
showed that, although he hadn't actually spoken the words, and the butterflies
that Frank had apparently swallowed at some point in the evening made their
presence known again in the form of the violent fluttering sensation in his
stomach.
Frank froze up at the initial touch; he swore Gerard could hear his heart
beating, it was drowning out the sounds of the movie, at least, that was how it
seemed to Frank, but Gerard didn't appear to have noticed. He simple sighed
happily and pulled Frank marginally closer to him, and after a minute or two,
Frank felt the tension in his body slowly draining away.
Frank was tempted to make a move then, but he decided to let Gerard set the
pace for tonight. Frank still wasn't entirely sure what Gerard really wanted
from him, and Frank was actually pretty content just cuddling for the time
being.
Warning bells should have been going off in Frank's head right then, because he
didn't cuddle, not even with Pete, and especially not with strangers, but
Gerard was different - Frank couldn't stress that enough, and just the simple
feeling of his arm around him had Frank lightheaded with joy.
Frank was just beginning to truly relax against Gerard when their game of
seduction was broken by Gerard standing up abruptly with an apologetic look on
his face, his sudden withdrawal shocking Frank like a bucket of cold water
poured over his head unexpectedly.
For one second, Frank was terrified that Gerard was going to tell him that he
had to leave, and it had been a mistake to let him stay here. Frank felt his
heart sinking into his feet before Gerard even opened his mouth, but he had
been trained to always expect the worse, and he knew this had all been too good
to be true.
"I'm sorry, I'll be right back. I've just got to go check up on Mikey really
quick." Gerard truly did look reluctant to move, but of course he had to go
make sure Mikey was okay, and Frank nodded to show him that he understood,
pausing the movie with the remote so Gerard wouldn't miss anything while he was
gone.
Frank waited until Gerard had entered Mikey's room before letting out a sigh of
relief. He had honestly forgotten about Mikey until just now, so he had been
terrified that Gerard was going to make him leave, and now that he knew that
wasn't the case, Frank was trying to calm down for his recent spike of anxiety.
He should of known Gerard wouldn't do that; he was obviously interested in
Frank - if he was actually going to do something about that was another
question entirely, but Frank had a feeling he would make a move sooner or
later, and if he didn't, Frank would just have to give him a nudge in the right
direction.
Frank needed to pull himself together before he attempted anything though; he
was still trying to come down from the high of having Gerard's arm around him,
and if such an innocent touch had produce such an extreme reaction, Frank had
no idea what would happen if he attempted to kiss Gerard, and Frank couldn't
afford to embarrass himself after he had made it this far without incident.
Gerard seemed nervous too though, and that made Frank feel slightly more
comfortable, but also out of his depth all at the same time. His typical sexual
encounters began with both parties knowing exactly what the other wanted, and
there was little room for awkwardness or doubts when you were both trying to
get each other naked as fast as possible,
But Frank had a feeling that Gerard didn't do this often, or maybe it had just
been awhile since he had been laid, which Frank found hard to believe - Gerard
was so attractive he probably got propositioned in broad daylight.
Frank had no idea about Gerard's sex life though, and he still wasn't even sure
if that was what Gerard was insinuating with his actions - maybe he just really
liked snuggling, but sitting here and having a mental debate about it wasn't
helping things, and Frank was really getting tired with how active his brain
was tonight. The alcohol should have taken effect by now, but Frank's mind
still wouldn't shut up, no matter how much he drank.
Frank finished the last of his vodka quickly, hoping that maybe this would be
enough to tip him over into a truly inebriated state as he strained his ears,
trying to listen for Gerard's melodious voice while he waited.
Frank didn't hear any sound coming for Mikey's room though, and it couldn't
have been more than a few minutes before Gerard reemerged into the living room
with a tired expression on his face.
"He okay?" Frank asked as Gerard sat down again, making sure to regain his
previous position pressed up against Frank's side.
"Yeah - he's fast asleep. Sorry I took so long, I just wanted to make sure his
breathing was regular and all that," Gerard sighed heavily, and this time,
Frank put his arm around the older man in a comforting gesture, which Gerard
leaned into gratefully, much to Frank's delight.
"Don't apologize - hell, I'm worried about him too, and I feel like a dick for
not reminding you to check up on him sooner." Frank hung his head slightly,
because it had been almost ninety minutes since Gerard had put Mikey in bed,
and now he recalled Gerard saying he would check up on his brother in an hour,
and Frank hadn't even thought to keep track of the time.
"Fuck - I know I already said this, but you really are sweet, and sorry, I say
sorry a lot, even if it doesn't really apply, but I am sorry for ditching you
mid movie like that, and thanks for pausing it," Gerard rambled, and Frank
couldn't get over how fucking adorable he looked when he got slightly
flustered.
"No - I'm sorry for distracting you and drinking all of your liquor," Frank
chuckled quietly, feeling that tingling sensation again as Gerard graced him
with a smile.
"You aren't a distraction - well, maybe you are, but you are the best kind of
distraction, and I really needed this tonight after...well everything. Fuck - I
can't remember the last time I have actually watched a movie with anyone who
wasn't Mikey, and even then, he's always going off somewhere lately, and I'm so
glad you decided to stay...like really," Gerard trailed off awkwardly, but
Frank had barely even heard him. His brain was shorting out temporarily because
of the way Gerard was staring at him, as if he was the only person in the world
at this moment, and he actually mattered.
There was lust in his gaze, yes - Frank would actually have been disappointed
if there wasn't, but there was so much more to his look then just that, and
Frank didn't even know how to describe what he was seeing, or the way it made
him feel, because this was so much different than a regular hookup, and Frank
wasn't sure what to do, or say, right now.
If this was any other guy, Gerard would be all over him, but this wasn't just
anyone - this was Gerard, and Frank was beginning to panic again. He wanted to
lean forward and kiss him, but what if that wasn't what Gerard wanted, what if
pulled away and freaked out on Frank, even though that outcome was unlikely
with the way he had been snuggled up against Frank not even five minutes ago.
Gerard took the decision away from Frank though, and he did it in the best way
possible, dipping down and pressing his slightly chapped lips against Frank's
gently, and holy fuck - Frank was pretty sure he had just died, and it was a
ghost that was sitting there kissing Gerard.
Frank was too shocked to react, the feeling of Gerard's lips moving chastely
against his own was indescribable, and even though, technically speaking, this
kiss was nothing special, right now, it was everything to Frank, and he knew he
would never forget it, no matter how many more men he kissed in the future.
The sparks Frank had known he would feel were erupting throughout his
bloodstream, bursting inside of him with a fiery sharpness that intensified
everything, making this simple kiss more pleasurable than some of the sex he
had partaken in.
Every nerve ending in Frank's body was tingling all at once, originating from
the point where their lips met, and spreading outward until Frank's entire body
was filled with pleasure. Frank had never felt anything like this before, and
even though the intense rush of sensations was slightly terrifying, Frank never
wanted this kiss to end.
But like an idiot, Frank had been too paralyzed to actually reciprocate
Gerard's actions, so after what had probably been only a few seconds, but which
felt like years to Frank, Gerard pulled away with a horrified expression on his
face.
"Oh my god Frank - I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that, you are just so
pretty...and I thought, but that was too forward, and I totally understand if
you want to go, fuck - I'm sorry."
Gerard continued to ramble on, and Frank wanted to tell him it was okay - more
than okay actually, and that he had been waiting for Gerard to kiss him all
night, but he was still reeling from the kiss, and his mouth didn't seem
capable of forming coherent words just yet.
So Frank did the only thing he could think of, tangling his fingers in Gerard's
inky black hair as he pulled his mouth back to his again, making sure to kiss
him properly this time, and effectively shutting Gerard up in the process.
***** Prepare Yourselves for Porn *****
If Frank thought he was in Heaven before, then kissing Gerard must be a special
level reserved only for the most holy, or maybe he had descended into Hell, and
it was actually much more pleasant than the Bible led everyone to believe.
Gerard's lips were certainly sinful enough to belong to the devil himself; the
way the moved wickedly against his own with a feverish intensity was causing
Frank to go weak at the knees already.
Frank couldn't get enough of the way Gerard's lips felt against his own, and he
tried to memorize this sensation so he could play it back over and over again
at a later date.
It was as if Frank had been yearning for this moment to happen for years,
instead of hours, and even though that was ridiculous - Frank hadn't even know
about Gerard's existence before tonight - Frank had been searching for someone
who could make him feel this way, someone that evoked more than just plain lust
when Frank laid eyes on them.
And Gerard definitely fit the bill; he had Frank experiencing so many emotions,
he couldn't even begin to list them all, and the rush of relief that was
flowing throughout his veins now that he wasfinally kissing Gerard had to mean
something.
And even if it ended up meaning nothing at all, Frank could live with that,
because this kiss was hands down the best one Frank had ever received, and that
was saying a lot coming from someone like Frank.
Gerard's lips were made for this, and the way he vibrated slightly against
Frank when he moaned into his mouth was the hottest thing in the world; it had
Frank opening up instantly so Gerard could slip his tongue just where Frank
wanted it to be.
Gerard tasted like beer, and vodka, but also clean - crisp even, and underneath
the alcohol and the slightly smoky flavor was an intoxicating something that
had Frank desperate for more, running his tongue against Gerard's eagerly in
the hopes of picking up another trace of the elusive taste, which Frank
couldn't place a name to - it was just Gerard.
Feeling bold now that all of the tension had finally led up to exactly what he
was hoping for, Frank moved one of his hands from its previous position where
it had been hooked in Gerard's hair to his cheek, feeling the slight scrap of
stubble against his palm as he tilted Gerard's head downward so he could deepen
the kiss, gasping slightly against his mouth in an attempt to draw air into his
aching lungs without breaking away from Gerard's lips.
Apparently Gerard was also feeling the need to breathe though, because it
wasn't long before he was pulling away from Frank, their heavy panting ringing
out harshly in the still air, the movie still paused and forgotten about in the
background.
Frank marveled at how perfect Gerard looked in this moment; his lips slick with
spit and a deeper shade of red then the light pink tint they usually carried,
his cheeks flushed and his mouth twitching upward into a bewildered smile as he
chest heaved slightly.
Frank had the random urge to pull out his phone and snap a picture of Gerard
like this, but that would probably be an excellent mood killer, so he refrained
from his strange impulses, instead, taking a moment to hold the image in his
brain where it hopefully wouldn't decay with time.
When Gerard didn't immediately say anything, Frank began to panic again now
that the high of having Gerard's lips pressing against his was ebbing. Gerard
didn't look upset, and he shouldn't be - he had kissed Frankfirst after all,
but when he didn't attempt to drag Frank back in for another kiss, Frank felt
the overwhelming urge to apologize, even though he hadn't done anything wrong.
Frank gave Gerard another few seconds to compose himself, and maybe say
something - anything, but Gerard continued to sit there, looking slightly shell
shocked and overwhelmed, and even though seconds earlier, Frank had been
ecstatic that they had finally both made a move, all of his previous nervous
thoughts were coming back full force.
Maybe Gerard hadn't really wanted this, maybe he was just so drunk that he had
kissed Frank without thinking, and now that he realized what had happened, he
was trying to find a way to let Frank down gently.
Frank couldn't even read Gerard's body language right now; it was a mess of
confusing signals and no speech to help Frank understand what had caused
Gerard's current state. He was twisting his hands in his lap, refusing to meet
Frank's eyes, but that stupid grin was still on his face, and he didn't look
upset, but he wasn't making any attempt to continue this either.
Frank couldn't take it if Gerard rejected him now - he would rather Gerard had
tossed him out the second he walked in his door if this was going to be the end
result. Frank had to do something to fix this, but what - Frank didn't even
know what the problem was. Gerard had been kissing the life out of him only
moments ago, and Frank had no idea why he had stopped.
"I'm sorry - I just...andyou -" Frank tried to stutter out something that would
get a reaction out of Gerard while at the same time letting him know how
badly he wanted to stay, but he never even got the chance to finish.
Gerard's eyes flicked up suddenly, and before Frank could move, Gerard had him
pinned against the back of the couch, the sheer lust in his eyes making Frank's
head spin and his limbs fall loosely to his side.
"Do you want this Frank - do you want me...because it I kiss you again, I'm not
going to be able to stop," Gerard panted out, and Frank could physically see
how close Gerard was to losing the last shred of self-composure he possessed -
which is exactly what Frank wanted to happen.
That explained why Gerard had frozen up; he has been trying to bring himself
back under control, because apparently he hadn't been able to catch onto all of
the signals Frank had been letting off the entire evening, and now that Frank
understood what had been bothering him, all of his fears and worries
disappeared, his need for Gerard rushing in to replace the spot those thoughts
once held.
"Yes - please...I have wanted you all night," Frank answered eagerly, and as
soon as Frank's words sunk into Gerard's head, he leaned down and reattached
their mouths once again.
Frank could feel the difference in this kiss; Gerard wasn't holding back any
longer, instead, he was plundering Frank's mouth without any hesitation, and
Frank returned his actions, taking everything Gerard wanted to give him, while
silently begging for more.
The kiss was amazing, tongues tangling and spit mingling into a mess of teeth
and lips, limbs entwining together as Gerard pulled Frank even closer against
him, his dominant position over Frank notching Frank's arousal to an even
higher level, and unless Frank was mistaken, Gerard was definitely hard as
well.
Frank was drowning, and flying, and falling, and this was all too many
sensations at once, but at the same time, it wasn't enough. Frank needed more,
but he never wanted this kiss to end, and the conflicting desires were driving
Frank insane.
Frank's hips began moving of their own accord, rutting against Gerard's thigh
that he had placed between Frank's legs to keep him pinned down. His stomach
burned at the addition of the delicious friction coupled with Gerard's greedy
mouth, and Frank couldn't help but throw his head back and moan quietly at the
intense feeling, doing his best to keep his volume down for Mikey's sake.
"Jesus Christ..." Gerard mumbled softly before attaching his lips to Frank's
neck, somehow managing to find one of Frank's sweet spots on the first try,
which had Frank writhing underneath him as he proceeded to suck what would
probably be an impressive hickey onto Frank's nape.
Gerard's fingers slid down Frank's ribs, pushing aside the worn leather jacket
Frank had never got around to taking off so he could slip a hand underneath
Frank's t-shirt, and the skin on skin contact had Frank's entire body heating
up a few degrees. Gerard still hadn't stopped pressing wet kisses against
Frank's neck, and Frank sure as hell wasn't going to stop him.
Gerard seemed in no hurry to move this along any faster; he was fucking taking
his time splaying his fingers over Frank's hips, tracing small patterns against
the protruding bone as he moved his mouth around so he could pay some attention
to the other side of Frank's neck, so Frank decided to speed him up just a bit.
Wrapping his legs around Gerard's waist, Frank pressed their lower bodies
together roughly, basking in the soft sounds that fell from Gerard's mouth as
his hard length rubbed against Frank's.
"Gerard..." Frank whined, trying to convey how desperate he was with the tone
of his voice.
Frank was already insanely worked up, and if Gerard didn't get inside him soon,
he was going to lose it in his pants like a horny teenager...which he
technically was, but Frank usually had better control of his body than this,
especially when he was drunk.
"Yeah?" Gerard asked, finally sitting up and giving Frank a quick break from
his endless assault on his neck, but his hips continued to twitch forward
slightly, almost as if Gerard didn't realize it.
"I want you to fuck me..." Frank decided to lay it out in plain words, because
from what he had seen so far, Gerard didn't take a hint well, and Frank was
tired of beating around the bush. He wanted - no - needed Gerard inside of him
now, and he wasn't embarrassed to admit to that.
"Yeah...okay, let's - bedroom," Gerard stammered out, stepping off of Frank
quickly, being careful to avoid the coffee table as he pulled Frank to his feet
with an extended hand.
Frank had no idea how he managed to force his body to function well enough to
follow after Gerard; his head was still reeling while it tried to process the
fact that this was actually happening; Gerard was taken him into his room, and
he was about to get fucked by the most gorgeous man he had ever seen.
Even though Frank had been dying for this to happen all night, he hadn't
allowed himself to actually hope for this, and now his brain was still trying
to catch up with reality.
But somehow, Frank did make it into Gerard's bedroom, helped along by the
insistent hand Gerard had wrapped around his wrist. As soon as the door was
closed behind them, Gerard was all over Frank once again, removing his leather
jacket and t-shirt with eager fingers as Frank fumbled with his belt, trying to
force his numb digits to actually do something productive to help Gerard get
inside him that much faster.
Finally, Frank's buckle gave way, and Frank all but ripped his jeans down,
leaving his boxers on for the time being. Gerard stepped back for a moment and
just stared at Frank, running the pads of his fingers lightly over Frank's
newly exposed skin, spending extra time over the one tattoo that Frank
possessed.
"I like this," Gerard mumbled, tracing the lines of the flame and the word
"hope" which rested just above Frank's left nipple.
Frank had gotten it on a whim when one of his coworkers had mentioned that his
friend was a tattoo artist, and he wouldn't mind hooking Frank up - no matter
his age. Frank wasn't sure why he had chosen the exact design he had ended up
going with; he had hundreds of other ideas he wanted marked onto his body
eventually, but this one had seemed appropriate for his current situation, and
Frank was proud of the small tattoo.
"Thanks...I want more, but money -you know?" Frank panted out, eager for Gerard
to finish his observation of his body and return to other things, preferable
the specific thing that was causing a major tent in his boxers at the moment.
"I have always wanted tattoos, but needles freak me out."
"You don't have any?" Frank asked, using the excuse to pull Gerard's shirt off
his body so he could rake his eyes over the pale, unmarked skin. Frank was
slightly surprised by the fact that Gerard didn't even have one tattoo; for
some reason, he had pegged him as the sort of person that would, but Frank
liked the way he looked without them, bare and clean, just waiting to be marked
up by Frank's mouth.
"Nope," Gerard answered in a distracted tone of his voice, his fingers trailing
lower before hooking in the waistband of Frank's boxers, and all thoughts of
tattoos flew out of Frank's head as Gerard slowly tugged the last article of
clothing down to his ankles.
"Fuck Frank..." Gerard gasped out, gazing at Frank's cock appreciatively with
hungry eyes.
"Your turn," Frank demanded, slightly embarrassed with having this much
attention on him, not to mention he was eager to see Gerard's dick with his own
eyes.
"Nuh-uh," Gerard grabbed Frank's hand when he tried to reach for his
sweatpants, instead, pulling him toward the bed insistently.
Before Frank could even think about protesting, Gerard had flung him against
the mattress, covering Frank's body with his own so he had no chance of escape,
not that he would think of trying.
"Last chance Frank...do you still want this?" Gerard heaved out, and Frank
could see how much effort it was taken him to ask.
"Please..." Frank begged, spreading his legs slightly to show Gerard how
certain he was.
"God - you are so perfect..." Gerard whispered softly, so softly that Frank
wasn't sure if he had heard him correctly, but he was too caught up in lust to
bother asking Gerard to clarify.
"Are you going to fuck me now?" Frank asked instead, staring up at Gerard with
eyes that he was sure were needy and full of desperation.
"Yeah - just let me..." Gerard leaned over to a small dresser sitting beside
his bed, throwing open one of the drawers before pulling something out and
setting it down next to him. Frank couldn't quite see the objects, but he had
done this enough to know that it was a condom and lube.
Frank expected to Gerard to prep him straight away and get to it - that was how
most his one night stands went after all, but once Gerard was done retrieving
the items, he still didn't seem in any rush, licking his way into Frank's mouth
slowly as if he couldn't feel Frank's hard cock pressing against his stomach
insistently.
Frank melted into the kiss though, because he was quickly discovering that
Gerard's kisses were irresistible, and Frank could probably come like this if
Gerard kept pressing against him at this angle.
Frank's dick twitched as Gerard kept up the actions with his tongue, exploring
Frank's mouth like it was the most interesting thing in the world, and even
though Frank was practically light headed with how good this felt, he had to
move Gerard along before this ended insanely prematurely.
"Gerard...I need -" Frank managed to choke out, breaking away from the kiss so
he could tug at Gerard's pants determinedly. Gerard's erection was making an
impressive tent in the lose material, and Frank had no idea how he could stay
so composed when he was sporting massive fucking wood.
"God - you are desperate...you need this, don't you?" Gerard growled, pinning
Frank's hands against the mattress stubbornly.
"No shit!" Frank whined, struggling weakly against Gerard's tight hold on him,
even though he had to admit, he really liked the way Gerard was taking control.
It was as if Gerard had become an entirely different person when he entered the
bedroom; all of his previous hesitance was erased, replaced by a more dominate
nature, and Frank was definitely into this change, even though he didn't know
how much longer he could wait for Gerard to actually touch him.
"I think you need to learn some patience," Gerard teased, at least, Frank
really hoped he was teasing, because Frank was all for drawing things out, but
not tonight, not when he was two minutes away from blowing his load already.
"Please - I just - I need...I'm so hard," Frank choked out, because Gerard had
started palming his dick slowly - oh so slowly, but that simply touch was
enough to have Frank writhing against the bed sheets and struggling for air,
because apparently his lungs had collapsed in the last thirty seconds, at
least, that was what it felt like to Frank.
"You are close already - aren't you?" Gerard asked, a hint of awe crossing over
his face, and Frank knew he should have felt embarrassed, but he was too turned
on to care by this point.
"Yeah - been hard for you all night...please - just fuck me."
"Fuck - okay...but only because you asked so nicely," Gerard smirked, fucking
smirked, and Frank may have been infatuated with Gerard before, but his bedroom
persona was blowing his mind, and Frank was pretty sure he would legitimately
get down on his knees and beg for Gerard's cock if he wanted him to.
When Frank heard the familiar snick of a cap being opened, he spread his legs
as wide as they could go with Gerard still on top of him, and Gerard's lips
turned up in a smile when he noticed.
"God Frank...you are so perfect - so needy - I can't wait to fuck you..."
Frank's breath caught in his throat when he heard that word again - perfect -
no one had ever called him that before. 
Frank didn't get any more time to ponder the implications of what that might
mean though, because Gerard was continuing to mutter obscene compliments as he
pressed one finger inside of Frank, and yes - finally - there was the stretch
and burn Frank craved, but it wasn't enough, not nearly enough, and Gerard had
barely gotten his finger all the way in before Frank was shoving down onto his
hand roughly.
"More - I can take it," Frank demanded, but he snapped his mouth shut when
Gerard shot him a warning look.
"What did I say about patience Frank?" Gerard reprimanded him.
"I'm sorry...it's just not enough," Frank whined, trying to take more of
Gerard's finger as he spoke.
"Not enough - huh?" Gerard hissed out, but he gave Frank what he wanted, adding
two more fingers at once, making Frank feel that much more full, and fuck - it
was so much better.
"Ah..." Frank cried out when Gerard crooked his fingers up at an angle,
brushing his prostate just enough to have Frank quavering at the sudden rush of
sensations.
Gerard grinned when he realized what had happened, making certain to continue
massaging the spot as he scissored his digits widely, fingering Frank for much
longer than any of his usual hookups bothered with.
"Gerard - fuck, I'm close - you gotta stop," Frank gasped out after a few
minutes had passed. Frank appreciated the extra attention, but tonight it was
just too much, and he was two seconds away from ripping off Gerard's pants and
throwing himself onto his dick.
Thankfully, Gerard removed all of his fingers at once, leaving Frank to groan
softly at the sudden emptiness. When Gerard finally removed his sweat pants,
Frank actually gasped out loud at the sight of Gerard's cock springing free,
slapping against his stomach obscenely as he tore open the condom package with
his teeth.
"Holy fuck - you are big..." Frank's eyes widened as he looked Gerard up and
down. His cock was hard, leaking precome heavily, and not only was it long, but
it was thick too, probably the biggest cock Frank has ever seen in real life,
and he couldn't wait to feel that inside him.
"Yeah..." Gerard chuckled nervously, losing his confident aura for one second
as Frank basically devoured him with his eyes. Gerard looked nervous, as if he
was worried that Frank was going to back out now that he had seen his size, but
that was not even remotely close to what Frank was thinking.
"God - I want to sit on your dick," Frank stated, and the groan he received
from Gerard as he quickly rolled on the condom sounded like an affirmation to
Frank.
"Yeah - fuck yeah..." Gerard finally managed to choke out, and the expression
of pure want on his face had Frank's chest swelling with pride. It wasn't every
day that Frank had someone look at him like that, and the fact that it was
Gerard made it even more meaningful.
Too impatient to wait for Gerard any longer, Frank grabbed the lube before
Gerard could, spreading some onto his palm before leaning up so he could coat
Gerard's dick with the slippery substance. He could feel Gerard's cock jumping
under his touch, and Frank almost felt cheated that he hadn't gotten more time
to appreciate Gerard's cock, or the rest of his body for that matter.
Frank wanted to make this last; he wanted to cover Gerard in hickeys, he wanted
to suck Gerard off - feel his dick in his mouth, fucking choke on it, but he
was too impatient to suggest that right now, and maybe they could work
themselves up for a round two later, but Frank had to get on Gerard
immediately.
"Fuck me," Frank begged again, pulling himself out from under Gerard so he
could lift himself up over Gerard's leaking cock.
"Go slow - I'm close too..." Gerard choked out when Frank had sunk down just
enough so that Gerard's head was resting right at his entrance. Frank couldn't
hide his small smile at Gerard's words, because he had barely even touched
Gerard, and he already looked fucking wrecked, which made Frank feel sexy,
powerful even, and he loved the fact that Gerard was as into this as he was.
"Okay - shit..." Frank groaned loudly, pushing down on Gerard's cock as Gerard
grabbed himself by the base to hold his dick still for Frank.
Frank didn't even need Gerard's warning to go slow, it was a necessity with how
big Gerard was. Every inch he gained inside of Frank was hard fought, Frank's
body reluctantly opening up around Gerard as he slid himself lower inch by
inch.
Finally - Frank bottomed out, resting in Gerard's lap as he tried to control
the shaking of his limbs. He could feel Gerard in every one of his nerve
endings, and the stretch was intense, borderline painful actually, but it was
so fucking good all at the same time.
"Holy fuck..." Frank groaned out when Gerard's hips twitched slightly, sending
jolts of pleasure flooding throughout Frank's entire body.
Frank could tell that Gerard was trying his hardest to stay still; his fingers
were digging into Frank's hipbones so deeply that Frank was sure he would carry
bruises in the morning, and the rapid speed of his breathing gave away how
close Gerard was to losing it completely and just fucking into Frank with
everything he had.
"Frank - you gotta - gotta move...fuck," Gerard moaned loudly, probably much
too loudly with Mikey in the next room, but Frank wasn't going to bother with
trying to quiet him. It was taking everything he had to keep himself mostly
silent, and Frank knew he was fighting a losing battle.
"Okay - just - wait..." Frank shifted slightly, trying to get used to the
intrusion that was Gerard's dick, but that small change in angle had Gerard's
cock pressing directly against Frank's prostate, and the keening noise that
emitted from his throat surprised even Frank.
"Can't wait - fuck - you are so tight Frank...feels so fucking good," Gerard
choked out, his hips hitching upward again in an involuntary movement that
Gerard didn't seem to be able to control.
"Shit..." Frank groaned out, lifting up slightly so he could start riding
Gerard properly. Even though he wasn't completely adjusted yet, the stinging
burn actually heightened Frank's pleasure; every slight movement had Frank
coiling even tighter, and he knew this wasn't going to last long at all.
"Jesus fuck -" Gerard hissed, lifting his hips to meet Frank's downward
thrusts, abusing Frank's prostate in the best way possible as Frank continued
to move up and down quickly.
Frank was moaning constantly now, too lost in the pleasure he was feeling to
control himself. Gerard's dick just felt too fucking good, and Frank was strung
so tightly, he probably only had seconds before he snapped.
"Gerard -I can't - I'm gonna come..." Frank moaned out, his rhythm faltering as
his entire body began to shake violently. Pressing down onto Gerard's cock as
hard as he could, Frank basically screamed at the invasive sensation; Gerard
was so deep inside him, Frank could feel him everywhere, and even though it was
way too soon, Frank wasn't sure if he could hold off any longer.
And before he could even try to push his approaching orgasm back, Frank was
coming, spurting all over his stomach and Gerard's chest as Gerard continued to
snap his hips up into Frank, fucking him through his release.
Frank was honestly surprised at how fast he had lost it; even though he had
been on edge all night, Frank couldn't remember the last time he had came
without being touched, especially not when he was drunk, but this was sex
with Gerard after all, and Frank was too busy experiencing the best orgasm of
his life to ponder the strange occurrence thoroughly.
"Frank - fuck...I need to -" Gerard couldn't even finish his sentence; instead,
he grabbed Frank by the waist, throwing him down onto the mattress so hard that
Frank actually bounced slightly in the air.
Frank whined loudly at the sudden loss of Gerard's cock, but he didn't have to
wait long before Gerard was pushing his way back inside him, groaning in
satisfaction once his hips were pressed against Frank once again.
Frank was exhausted and oversensitive, but he still moaned softly at the
pleasant aftershocks that were wracking his body as Gerard fucked him hard and
fast. It wasn't long before Gerard's rhythm faltered, and Frank could feel his
dick pulsing wildly inside him as he emptied himself into the condom, a deep
moan vibrating out of Gerard's chest as he came.
Frank whimpered quietly when Gerard pulled out, too exhausted to even attempt
to move and clean up the mess he had made all over himself. Frank could hear
Gerard's feet padding across the soft carpet, but he was too blissed out to
open his eyes, and he assumed Gerard was disposing of the condom.
So when Frank felt a wet towel running across his stomach, he squeaked in
surprised, jerking away from the unexpected contact. Frank forced his bleary
eyes to open, and even though he knew it would be Gerard who was doing this, he
was still shocked to see Gerard cleaning him gently in a way that Frank had
never experienced before.
"Hey..." Frank giggled quietly, still feeling slap happy from what was probably
the most intense orgasm he had ever had.
"Hi," Gerard cheeks tinged red when he met Frank's gaze, and Frank was amazed
at how quickly he could go from the totally confident person he was in the
bedroom to the guy who blushed at a simple sentence.
"That was amazing..." Frank mumbled once Gerard was finished wiping him off,
forcing himself to sit up so he could locate his clothes.
"I didn't hurt you - did I?" Gerard asked in a concerned tone of voice.
"If by hurt me, you mean gave me the best fuck of my life - then yes," Frank
chuckled as he pulled on his shirt and boxer shorts, wincing slightly at the
tenderness in his ass. He might be sore tomorrow, but Gerard hadn't done
anything wrong, Frank just wasn't used to his size.
The fact that Gerard had actually cared enough to ask about Frank's wellbeing
made Frank want to lean over and kiss him again, but Frank didn't, because he
wasn't sure if Gerard would take well to that.
Yes - they had just had sex, but kissing afterward wasn't something that Frank
made a habit of, and he was pretty sure Gerard would be expecting him to take
off any minute now. Even though Frank didn't want to go, he knew how these
things worked, so he tugged on his jeans quickly, trying to figure out where
the hell his shoes had ended up.
"Hey - you aren't leaving...are you? I mean you can - if you want, but we
didn't finish the movie yet, and I was sort of hoping you would stay the
night..."
Frank's head snapped up at Gerard's words, and for one second, he wasn't
entirely sure that Gerard was talking to him, even though there was no one else
here, so of course he was speaking to Frank.
"You...you want me to stay?" Frank asked nervously.
"Well - yeah. I'm not one of those guys that kick people out just because I got
what I wanted. Honesty - I didn't even plan on that happening, not that I
regret it or anything - not at all, but I want you to stay. I like you Frank."
When Frank found the courage to glance at Gerard's face, he saw nothing but
honesty painting his features, and even though Frank still had no idea how in
the hell someone like Gerard could actually see something in someone like
Frank, he was too happy and content to argue it for now.
"Yeah - okay...I'll stay, and I like you too," Frank admitted, and even though
he could feel his cheeks heating up, he didn't turn his head away this time.
"Thank you," Gerard smiled, quickly pulling on some clothes before grabbing
Frank's hand in a tight grip, as if he was worried that Frank would slip away
when he wasn't looking.
"No - thank you," Frank whispered.
And as Frank snuggled back up against Gerard's side with X-Men once again
playing in the background, Frank knew he was fucked, truly fucked, because he
may have only known Gerard for one day, but he was already falling for him -
falling hard, and Frank couldn't stop his descent, even if he wanted to.
***** Warning - Cuddling With Frank Iero May Be Detrimental To Your Balls
Health *****
Frank couldn't remember the last time he had fallen asleep without a struggle,
because as tired as Frank usually was after work, and taking care of his
mother, andlife in general, the peaceful oblivion of slumber was something that
eluded him more often than not.
Frank would come home with aching limbs and a heavy heart, yearning for his
soft sheets and nothing else, but as soon as his head hit the pillow, Frank's
body would somehow rejuvenate itself, or maybe it was his mind, but whatever
the case, Frank always found himself lying there for hours before his eyes
finally closed and he managed to get some rest.
The entire process seemed ridiculously unfair to Frank, because no matter how
drained or worn out he had been during the day, at night, his brain came alive,
almost as if it was playing a cruel joke on poor Frank, and it enjoyed watching
him toss and turn in a desperate attempt to find a position that would lull him
to sleep that much quicker.
And even when Frank's body finally shut down, it didn't stay that way for long,
of course it didn't. It wasn't unusual for Frank to be awoken three or four
times within an hour for no apparent reason, and sleeping through the night was
something that hasn't happened to Frank for years - before today that is.
Because when Frank opened his eyes, he realized he couldn't even recall falling
asleep, but he had definitely been in a deep slumber, actually, it might have
been the best night of rest he had gotten in ages, and Frank felt more alive
than he had in fuck knows how long.
And when Frank remembered where he was, or more importantly -who he was with,
he had a nagging suspicion that his peaceful state had been brought on by the
warm body that was pressed against his side, and the soft arms that were
currently wrapped around his waist.
Flashbacks from last night began to dance across Frank's mind; meeting Gerard,
sleeping with Gerard, staying over afterwards, and then...Frank must have
fallen asleep while they had been watching X-Men, because even though he was
drunk, Frank was certain he would have remembered crawling into bed with
Gerard, he had no problem recalling the rest of the evening after all.
But somehow, Frank had ended up here, and even though Frank didn't stay the
night with his hook ups - ever, and he definitely didn't cuddle with them,
Gerard wasn't just a fling - he was different, he was special, and although
Frank hadn't been planning on actually falling asleep with him, he would be
lying if he said he wasn't enjoying this.
The last time Frank had woken up with someone else's arms around him had been
when he had slept over at Pete's, and he hadn't been thrilled to find his best
friend's limbs tangled up with his own when he finally opened his eyes,
resulting in Frank "accidentally" kneeing Pete in the balls, and that was the
extent of Frank's cuddling experience.
But this - this was something else, and even though Frank felt slightly
uncomfortable being this intimate with someone, becauseyes - this was much more
intimate then sex, to Frank at least - he didn't want this to end, not ever.
Gerard seemed like he was made to fit with Frank, his arms bracketing his hips
effortlessly, Frank's head slipping into the space between Gerard's neck and
shoulder as if the spot was designated just for him, and Frank couldn't help
the content sigh that escaped his lips when Gerard snuggled slightly closer to
him.
Their position should have been awkward, or uncomfortable, but it wasn't, it
was perfect, and Frank was almost too afraid to breathe, as if even the small
movement of his chest would shatter this moment. Frank wanted to fall back
asleep, because he had never felt more peaceful then he did right now, but that
would mean missing out on an opportunity to observe Gerard without his
knowledge, and staring at Gerard was much more fascinating than sleep, it
trumped everything actually.
Frank risked moving his head slightly, but only so he could get a better angle
to watch Gerard as he continued to sleep peaceful. Frank's small shift in
position didn't disturb him in the slightest, not even when Frank sat up,
shifting the sheets back over Gerard's body because apparently Frank had been
hogging the majority of them while he slept.
Gerard looked beautiful; his dark hair spread out across the sheets like an
elaborate ink stain, his face still and unlined, and Frank had the intense urge
to lean over and kiss him, but he wasn't sure if that was allowed, or even what
this was, and as much as Frank wanted something - anything with Gerard, waking
up next to someone else was scarier than he had anticipated it would be.
Frank was conflicted, and confused, and slightly terrified all at the same
time; last night had been everything he could have hoped for and more, and
Gerard seemed like someone he had conjured up out of his wildest fantasies,
butwhy - why had this all happened? Frank didn't want to constantly doubt
whatever this was, but years of distrusting everyone had been deeply ingrained
into his mind, and he couldn't help being wary of this entire situation.
Frank just couldn't understand why Gerard had wanted him, why he had asked him
to stay over, and now that Frank's liver had filtered out most of the alcohol
in his system, he was beginning to second guess everything once again, because
that was just how his brain worked, and Frank didn't know how to stop it from
coloring everything that had occurred last night with a tint of suspicion.
Gerard was a mystery to Frank; an unsolvable puzzle that got even more
confusing with each piece that clicked into place. Frank had deduced that he
was obviously kindhearted, not to mention lonely, but he still was clueless
about what Gerard actually wanted from Frank.
Gerard had said that he hadn't planned on having sex with Frank, but it had
happened, and he obviously wanted it almost as much as Frank had, but what were
they now? Maybe Gerard treated all of his one-night stands so well, and after
he awoke, he would except Frank to take his leave, and that would be it, or
maybe Frank should already be gone by now.
Frank didn't know what to do, because his heart was telling him to lie back
down and enjoy the feeling of Gerard's breath tickling his neck, but his head
was screaming at him that this wasn't right, this wasn't his routine, and now
that Frank had been thrown out of his comfort zone, he was unsure of what was
expected of him in this situation.
But Gerard had said he liked him, and that had to mean something - right? Frank
wanted it to, and not only that, he wanted this to happen again, but he didn't
want to scare Gerard off by being too forward. Maybe he should just leave a
note with his number on the counter, that way Gerard could make the next move.
But before Frank could take any action, a soft buzzing sound broke through the
relative silence, and when Frank felt an echoing vibration in his pocket, he
realized it was his phone, which was still in the jeans that he had apparently
slept in.
Moving slowly so he wouldn't jostle Gerard, Frank tugged the device free from
the constricting denim, and when the screen showed him ten missed texts and two
missed calls, Frank barely managed to suppress his groan of frustration.
Frank had been too caught up in Gerard last night to even think about informing
anyone that he wouldn't be coming home, and it hadn't even crossed his mind
that his mother would be worried until just now. If Frank was lucky, she would
be in one of those states were she forgot the fact that Frank existed, but by
the obscene amount of messages, he highly doubted that was the case.
Frank winced as he read through the numerous texts from his mother, starting
out with a request for him to get milk if he was out, leading up to the last
one that was sent about thirty minutes ago which demanded to know his
whereabouts. Frank also had a text from Pete, and when he clicked over to that
conversation, he was reminded why Pete was his best friend.
"Dude your mom had been psycho calling me. I told her you slept over at my
place and you were still knocked out, but you better phone her soon before she
ends up coming over."
Frank hadn't gotten any new messages since Pete's, which hopefully meant that
Pete's lie had mollified his mother's curiosity, and now Frank had a believable
story to use, because there was no way in hell he would ever be able to tell
his mother the truth.
Texting back both Pete and his mother quickly, Frank glanced over at Gerard as
he fingers danced across his phone screen. Frank had to leave soon before his
mother became suspicious, but fuck - he wanted to stay right here for the rest
of his life.
Frank debated on waking Gerard, but he couldn't bring himself to do it; Gerard
looked so relaxed, and Frank could tell he needed the sleep, even now, he still
had dark bags under his eyes, and Frank had the nagging suspicion that Gerard
struggled with falling asleep just like Frank did, but he had no facts to back
that up, just assumptions concocted by his mind which was desperately trying to
make a connection between Frank and Gerard when there was in all actuality
nothing there.
But what if there was - Frank felt like therewas; he couldn't explain why he
was drawn to Gerard like a fly to honey, but the attraction he felt toward him
was surreal, and there was no denying that. Gerard made Frank want so much more
than just sex; he yearned for the pointless cuddles, and late nights spent
talking about absolutely nothing, and the soft kisses exchanged for no other
reason than because they could.
Frank hadn't wanted that with anyone - ever, even though Frank did yearn for a
boyfriend, or at least, someone to care about more than just his asshole, but
Gerard was the only one who made those faint wishes coalesce into something
heavy, something that weighed on Frank's heart every time he looked at Gerard.
And even though this didn't make sense, and it was stupid, because Frank didn't
know Gerard, not really, and he had no right thinking about a relationship with
a man who was so obviously out of his league, that didn't stop Frank from
dreaming.
He could actually picture a life with Gerard, and even though it would never
work, not with how much Frank had on his plate already, and how many lies he
would have to keep track of, Frank couldn't help but think that if anyone was
worth the trouble, it would be Gerard.
And maybe Gerard would be willing to overlook all of Frank's faults, maybe he
would be willing to give Frank a chance, maybe he would actually understand
Frank like no one else did, maybe he would be able to look past everything that
Frank couldn't, maybe he could actually love him one day.
So with that positive thought ringing in his head, Frank snuck out of bed,
wincing slightly from the pain in his ass as he retrieved his shoes before
retreating into the living room to tug them on. Frank had decided to leave his
number for Gerard, and maybe even a note saying how much he wanted to do this
again, because he didn't have the courage to say any of what he was thinking to
Gerard's face - not yet anyway, but he wanted him to know that this hadn't been
a one-time thing for Frank, and a letter seemed better then waking him up and
pouring his heart out to him.
Snagging a mostly blank piece of paper from the floor which was littered in
them, Frank scrawled out a quick message, trying to say everything he was
feeling in as few words as possible, and hopefully, Gerard would feel the same
way. Signing it with his number and his trademark xoFrnk, Frank tiptoed back
into Gerard's bedroom, wanting to leave the note on the pillow beside him so he
wouldn't think Frank had abandoned him, if he even cared when he was sober that
is.
Frank spent a little bit too long staring at Gerard's slumbering form after he
had placed the note, and even though he knew he should have been on his way
home ten minutes ago, he couldn't help but drink in every last one of Gerard's
features, just in case he never saw him again, just in case this really had
been only a one-night stand, and Gerard tossed Frank's number into the garbage
when he saw it.
Frank fucked up though, because like the clumsy idiot he was, he managed to
smash his hip against the side of the large dresser in the corner of Gerard's
room, causing it to bang against the wall with a loud thump, and of course
Gerard's eyes snapped opened, the hazel irises darting to Frank's frozen form
immediately.
"You're leaving..." Gerard croaked out, his voice hoarse and clogged with
sleep, but Frank didn't miss the desolate tone it carried, and Frank instantly
felt guilty for being the cause of Gerard's distress.
"Yeah - uh...my mom needs my help with something. I promised her I would stop
by this morning, and I totally forgot about it until just now," Frank stammered
out, not wanting to admit that he actually still lived with his mother, because
that would make him appear young, and Gerard had already caught him in a lie
about his age once before.
"Oh...you don't have to make up a story to make me feel better - it's okay,"
Gerard sighed, staring down at his lap intently.
"Gerard...no, that's not what I'm trying to do. Look - I even left you a note,
see - it's right over there." Frank gestured to the piece of paper that was
sitting innocently on the empty pillow next to Gerard, and when Gerard turned
his head to look at it, Frank was stunned by the expression on his face.
Gerard looked upset - more than upset actually, he appeared almost...broken, as
if Frank's attempt at departure had actually hurt him, and everything that
Frank had thought he knew went up in smoke all because of Gerard's stupid sad
eyes. Maybe Gerard cared just as much as Frank, maybe, for once, Frank wasn't
conjuring up signs and feelings that didn't exist, and maybe Gerard reallydid
like Frank.
"Why didn't you just wake me up?" Gerard asked as his eyes scanned the words of
Frank's note rapidly.
"I - uh...you looked, I mean, I didn't want to disturb you." Frank had to
resist the urge to face palm himself, because he had been about to say "you
looked so beautiful", and that would have been mortifying to say the least.
"I wouldn't have minded," Gerard mumbled softly.
"I'm sorry - I will remember that for next time...if there is a next time,"
Frank braced himself for Gerard's rejection, but he had to know before he left;
now that Gerard was awake, Frank wouldn't be able to leave until he figured out
if there was something here after all, or if he was just making everything up.
"I would like there to be a next time," Gerard's lips twitched up in a grin,
one side rising slightly higher than the other in a way that Frank could only
describe as adorable.
"Well...you have my number," Frank returned Gerard's smile as the family of
butterflies he was raising in his stomach woke up and took notice of what was
happening.
"Are you sure you can't stay for a bit, I can make you coffee, or breakfast -
well actually, I don't think there is much food in the house, but I could take
you out." Gerard stepped out of bed quickly, and the grace with which he
executed that simple motion had Frank staring again.
"I wish I could - fuck...I really do, but I can't...not right now." Frank's
stomach twisted violently as he turned Gerard down, and the words literally
burned as he forced them out of his mouth, because he wanted nothing more than
to spend the entire day with Gerard, and he felt guilty for putting him off,
but he couldn't tell his mother he was with Pete for much longer without her
starting to get suspicious; Frank never ignored her for so long when he was at
Pete's, and she would know something was up.
"Okay - I'm sorry, you should go help your mom...I'll just walk you out." Frank
chuckled slightly at Gerard's insistence to escort him to the front door, which
was all of ten feet away, but the fact that he wanted to do this little thing
made Frank swoon internally, because Gerard wanted to be around him, even if it
was only for a few more seconds.
"So...did you carry me into your bed last night?" Frank asked while he followed
Gerard out of his bedroom.
"Oh...uh yeah - you fell asleep on the couch, and I have slept on it enough
nights to know that it isn't a good bed, so I thought you would be more
comfortable in my room. I'm sorry if that was too forward...or whatever -
" Gerard giggled nervously as he turned around to gauge Frank's reaction, and
Frank had to hold back a chuckle of his own.
"It was nice - really nice actually, so thanks." Frank paused in front of the
door, leaning back on his heels slightly as Gerard came to a stop next to him.
"No - thank you for staying. Last night was...amazing, and I know how we met
was weird and all, but I really do like you, and I hope the phone number you
gave me isn't fake, because I really want to see you again, and...thanks."
Gerard blushed lightly, a pale red color dusting his cheeks as he stared down
at Frank with earnest eyes, and fuck - Frank felt the speed with which he was
falling for Gerard increase a few notches, and all of his fears and worries
were stripped away when Gerard look at him like that.
"It's not fake - the number I mean, I promise, and I like you too, and I feel
weird, and confused, but I know I like you - really like you, and I want to see
you again too, like tomorrow," Frank trailed off when he realized he might have
said a bit too much, but Gerard simply smiled down at Frank, leaning slightly
closer to him so that their noses were almost touching.
"So see you tomorrow then?" Gerard smirked slightly, and Frank was going cross
eyed trying to keep Gerard's face in his line of vision, but he didn't want to
move away, if anything he wanted to move forward, he wanted to press his lips
against Gerard's and feel the sparks that only Gerard could ignite in his blood
stream.
"Yeah..." Frank whispered, trying not to shiver as he felt Gerard's breath
ghosting against his skin every time he exhaled.
Then Gerard moved, just a little bit, just a minute tilt of the head, and a
flutter of his eyes, but it was enough to encourage Frank to close the few
inches that separated them, and then they were kissing, and Frank was leaning
against the door to keep his knees from buckling under him.
It was short, and sweet, but fuck - it was intense as well, and Frank actually
whimpered slightly when Gerard pulled away, much to his embarrassment.
"You should probably go before I drag you back into bed again," Gerard laughed
breathily, and Frank couldn't tell if he was joking or not, but as much as he
wanted to waste away the rest of the morning with Gerard, he couldn't, not yet,
but if Gerard kept to his word, he would be seeing him soon, and Frank could
wait until tomorrow - right?
"Okay - yeah...bye," Frank stuttered out, running a hand through his hair as
Gerard unlocked the front door and pulled it open.
"Bye..." Gerard whispered, pressing a soft kiss against Frank's cheek before he
walked out the door, and it took all the self-control Frank possessed to keep
moving, because all he wanted to do was drag Gerard's mouth back to his and
kiss him until he passed out from lack of air.
But the door was already closed, and Frank had to get home, and he would see
Gerard tomorrow - hopefully...maybe. Frank was still afraid to place his faith
in Gerard, because even though he had done nothing besides for show Frank he
wanted him, Frank still felt like this was a dream, and he wasn't sure what it
was going to take for him to wake up and realize that this was real life, and
Gerard wasn't fucking with him.
The text he received barely two minutes later helped though, it helped a hell
of a lot, because it was from Gerard, and even though Frank was in a hurry to
be home, he couldn't help but pause and read the message over a few times, just
to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.
But they weren't, and this was happening; Gerard was interested in Frank, and
now that the fact wasfinally beginning to sink in, Frank felt a sluggish
tendril of warmth slowly spreading from this fingers - which were still
clutching his phone - to the rest of his body, and he reread the text one more
time just to solidify the giddy sensation.
The line of text on his phone screen was proof, actual proof that there was
something there between him and Gerard, and Frank wasn't just imagining it, and
even his self-destructive mind couldn't ruin this for him, not this time.
"I really hope this is Frank, because if it is, I just want to say you look
really cute in the morning."
***** MCR Feels And Mikey Talking About Gerard's Dick *****
Gerard sunk down with his back pressed against the door to his apartment as a
soft sigh escaped his throat without his permission, and even though he was
fully aware that he was acting like a teenage girl that had just received her
fist kiss, he didn't really give a shit, it wasn't like anyone could see him
anyway.
Touching the pads of his fingers against his lips that only seconds ago had
been pressed against Frank's in a scorching kiss, Gerard smiled to himself as
he replayed the sensation in his head, trying to remember exactly how Frank's
mouth had felt against his own, and the soft sounds he had made while Gerard
plundered his mouth.
Frank...even just thinking his name had Gerard's cheeks heating up and his
heart fluttering in his chest like a caged bird that ached to spread its wings
and fly, which was a fitting analogy for Gerard's situation, because until last
night, he had been trapped, and even though it was in a device of his own
making, Gerard had forgotten that he could free himself until Frank had shown
him that he had possessed the key to his prison all along.
Ever since he had moved back home, even before that actually, Gerard had kept
his emotions locked away, never allowing himself to get close to anyone in the
fear of being hurt like he had in the past, but something about Frank made him
want to throw all caution to the wind and dive into this head first, and it
wouldn't matter if he shattered against the hard pavement waiting for him at
the bottom, because maybe Frank would catch him before that happened, and
Gerard wanted to take that chance.
This was a complete one-eighty for Gerard, who was usually terrified of
reaching out to anyone, especially strangers, and he was honestly surprised
that he had managed to work up the courage to initiate anything with Frank at
all, but the large amounts of alcohol he had consumed that day had definitely
helped with that, and the fact that Frank had been so willing had left little
time for Gerard to doubt himself, or the connection he felt between him and
Frank.
Because there was something there, somethingreal, something tangible, something
that Gerard wasn't sure he would ever feel with another person. Gerard couldn't
produce the exact word for what he was feeling was; it was more than simple
lust, that was for sure, and it was much to earlier to call it anything more
seriously, like love, but it was something, and whatever it was, Gerard wanted
more of it.
Frank was the first person Gerard had been with in months, and the ones before
him had been random hookups for the most part, and even though Frank could
technically be classified as another one-night stand, he wasn't, Gerard knew
that for certain.
Gerard was still in awe over how eager Frank had been, how much he needed
Gerard, how easily they had melded together as if they had been lovers for
ages. There was none of the awkwardness Gerard usually associated with his
typical sexual encounters, and now that Gerard had a taste of Frank, he wanted
more - he wanted to see how far Frank would let him go, how much pleasure they
could find in each other's bodies once they became better acquainted.
But even though the sex had been mind blowing, that wasn't the only thing
Gerard wanted from Frank. He had truly enjoyed Frank's company, and coming from
Gerard, who wanted to be left alone ninety percent of the time, that meant a
hell of a lot. Just watching a movie with Frank had been exciting, and Gerard
couldn't remember the last time he had actually desired someone else's
presence, but it had been far too long, that was for sure.
Gerard honestly couldn't believe that Frank had just waltzed into his life last
night, and it made him wonder if someone was looking down on him for above, and
they had taken pity on Gerard's sad state and driven Frank into his path in an
attempt to bring Gerard some happiness. Gerard would like to think that things
like that could happen, that maybe Elena could still see Gerard wherever she
was, and she had somehow had something to do with Frank appearing on his
doorstep last night.
The whole notion was sort of ridiculous, especially since Gerard really didn't
believe in God, or angels, but it made sense in a way. Mikey had needed someone
to bring him home, and Frank had just so happened to be there, and Gerard had
needed someone too, even though he hadn't admitted it to himself before last
night, but now he wasn't ashamed at all to say that he wanted Frank in his
life.
Gerard hadn't been ready to let Frank walk out his door this morning, and he
missed him already, even though he had barely been gone for two minutes. Gerard
was always like this when he was interested in someone though; he wanted to be
around them every second of every day, and only the knowledge that most people
didn't appreciate that much attention made Gerard constrain himself from
begging Frank to blow off his mother and stay here with him, he didn't want to
scare him off after all.
Still, Gerard couldn't resist the urge to send Frank a quick text, so he got up
from his position on the floor and hurried into his bedroom to grab the device.
Gerard was well aware that he was probably being a bit too clingy, especially
with someone he had only met last night, but he really liked Frank, and he
wanted to make sure he knew that.
Once the text was sent, Gerard began to get dressed so he wouldn't sit there
waiting for a reply, which was what he truly wanted to be doing, but it was
much to earlier to be obsessing over Frank just yet, even though avoiding doing
just that was starting to become a difficult task already.
As Gerard pulled on some probably clean clothes, he wondered if Frank was truly
going to see his mother, or if it had all been a clever lie to escape Gerard's
company. Gerard didn't sense any falseness radiating off of Frank this morning,
but he had seemed nervous, uncomfortable even, and Gerard was beginning to
wonder if he had been much to forward with Frank last night after all.
But no, Frank had seemed to want Gerard, and he hadn't seemed scared or
overwhelmed at all while they were having sex, not even when Gerard got a bit
rough with him - really, it was only afterward when Frank began to get
skittish, which led Gerard to believe that Frank might not be used to cuddles,
or goodbye kisses, or morning afters.
Gerard knew he was over analyzing the situation, and the best way to find out
what Frank had truly been feeling was just to ask him, but Gerard had a very
observant personality, and his deductions were usually correct, not to mention
he was more likely to find out the truth from Frank's body language than his
words, because a tongue could lie, but mannerisms were much more honest.
Gerard wanted to know more about Frank, because the quick glimpse he had gotten
into his life last night hadn't been nearly enough to satisfy Gerard's
curiosity. Gerard wanted to read a novel focusing soley on Frank, he wanted to
soak up every word until he knew what made Frank the person he was today, the
person that interested Gerard so much.
Gerard hadn't felt this urge in years; the burning desire to get close to
another person was something that Gerard had been convinced had died ages ago,
but Frank had stoked the small spark back to life, and honestly, Gerard had
missed this feeling.
Until last night, Gerard had been perfectly content hiding in his apartment for
the rest of his life, drowning in his sorrows with no one else but Mikey for
company until one of his self descructive habits ended up killing him, but now
the world was filled with color again, and Gerard actually wanted to go out and
experience it, as long as Frank was involved.
But Gerard knew this spike of happiness wouldn't last, it never did anymore,
but that didn't make it any less enjoyable, quite the opposite actually.
Knowing he would inevitably crash made this brief burst of joy even more
precious, and if spending time with Frank evoked these sensations in Gerard, he
was going to make sure that happened much more often.
It was amazing how quickly Gerard had gone for the sobbing drunken mess he had
been two days ago to the giddy love struck person he was now, but it didn't
phase Gerard anymore, this was his life, and for years now, he had been dealing
with dramatic ups and downs, and he had stopped questioning them, because it
didn't do any good.
Somewhere in his head, Gerard knew that this wasn't natural, and he probably
had bipolar disorder, or something similar to that, but he just didn't care. He
didn't want to go to a shrink he would tell him all the things wrong with his
life; Gerard already knew he was fucked up, and he definitely didn't want to be
put on any more mind numbing medications. He had stopped taking his depression
pills months ago, and even though he was sure they would help him level out a
bit, the trade off just wasn't worth it, and he refused to go around feeling
like a zombie for the rest of his life.
Gerard didn't want to worry about whatever mental illness he may or may not
have though, not right now when he could be thinking of Frank. Picturing the
small smile Frank had graced him with before he had left this morning had
Gerard's lips tugging upward unconsciously, and Gerard couldn't remember the
last time he had smiled this much - not since the days in the band, that was
for sure, and Gerard refused to acknowledge those memories anymore.
This thing with Frank had all happened so fast, Gerard should have been
slightly worried about how attached he had become to him in less than twenty
four hours, but it had been so long since Gerard had felt the way he had last
night, he didn't even care about the odd way they had met, or how fast their
acquaintanceship had progressed into sex, because Gerard needed someone who
made him feel again, he needed someone like Frank, and he wasn't afraid to
admit that.
If anyone knew life was short, it was Gerard, and he wasn't one for waiting, or
taking it slow, not when today might be his last, so he didn't regret anything
that had happened with Frank last night, and he could barely wait until
tomorrow, when it would hopefully happen again.
Gerard was itching to return to his phone to see if Frank had texted him back,
but he knew he needed to check up on Mikey before he got too caught up in
Frank, so he forced his feet towards his brother's room, pushing the door open
gently just in case Mikey was still asleep.
As soon as Gerard's gaze feel on Mikey, his previous good mood deflated, and he
was hit with the reminded of why Frank had come over in the first place. Gerard
had almost managed to forget about Mikey's drug problem while Frank had been
distracting him, but now it was returning to him full force, and his smile fell
into a grimace as he entered the small room.
Mikey peered at Gerard with bleary eyes as he walked over to his bed, and
Gerard graced him with a sad smile in way of greeting. Mikey looked terrible -
not as bad as last night, but still pretty fucking bad, and Gerard hated seeing
his once vibrant brother decaying before his very eyes.
Mikey was too thin lately, not that he hadn't always been lanky and bony, but
now he was borderline emaciated; Gerard could count his ribs easily when he sat
up in bed, and even his skin tone was sallow and unhealthy looking, and Gerard
couldn't help but feel like it was his fault this his brother was this way.
If Gerard had never wanted to start a band, Mikey would never have joined, he
would never have fallen into cocaine so heavily, and he would still be happy.
He would have graduated college, maybe even have settled down with someone by
this point, but Gerard had ruined Mikey's life with his stupid idea, and he was
reminded of that every time he laid eyes on his baby brother.
"Hey Mikes...how you feeling?" Gerard asked, placing a hand on Mikey's forehead
to make sure he wasn't running a fever.
"Better now, just kinda out of it," Mikey shrugged sheepishly, moving out from
under Gerard's touch with an irritated sigh.
"Where is it?" Gerard demanded once he had ascertained that Mikey was decently
healthy, for the moment at least, and Mikey rolled his eyes in response,
pointing to his dresser when Gerard continued to glare at him.
"I'm not an idiot Gerard, I was going to throw it away once I got up," Mikey
sighed when Gerard began rifling through the top drawer, emerging with the bag
of coke that Mikey had hidden there.
"Where you Mikes - really?" Gerard scoffed, stuffing the zip-lock into his
pocket so he could dispose of it as soon as this conversation was over. He
wasn't taking any chances leaving the drugs with Mikey, and even though he most
definitely had more hidden away somewhere, at least Gerard could make sure he
didn't use this bad batch again.
"Yes - I wasn't going to take shitty coke twice." Mikey crossed his arms over
his chest defensively, and Gerard recognized that stubborn glint in his
brother's eyes, so he decided to stop pushing him before this turned into a
full blown argument.
"Okay, you know I'm just worried about you. I wish you would quit this..."
Gerard sat back down on the edge of Mikey's bed, sending him an apologetic look
in the hopes of mollifying Mikey's irritated posture.
"I did try Gee, but it's hard...and I just - I don't know. I guess I forgot
what it is like to live without it," Mikey shrugged uncomfortably, shifting
slightly in the bed to make more room for Gerard to spread out next to him.
"I know Mikes, but it isn't impossible - I did it, remember? You just need to
keep yourself distracted...get a job or something - you know? Stop hanging
around the people who give it to you." Gerard cringed at his words, because he
sounded like a parent lecturing a child, but in a way, he did feel like Mikey's
father more than his brother half the time, and he couldn't just sit silently
by while Mikey spiraled even further into his addiction.
"Yeah sure, but you are forgetting that I dropped out of college for the band
Gee, and it's pretty fucking hard to find a job without a degree, and don't
tell me to go work at McDonald's or some shit, becauseI swear, I will slap
you."
"But you can go back to school Mikes...finish up where you left off - hell,
start something new. I don't know, just find something to help you get over
this," Gerard pleaded, and even though they had this argument at least once a
month, Gerard wasn't ready to give up on his brother yet.
"You just don't fucking get it - do you Gee? I don't want to go back to fucking
college, or getting a fucking job - I want theband back, I want our old lives
back, and the only way I can forget about how much I hate the fact that you
broke it up is the drugs okay? That's why I can't quit, and I don't want to
make you feel bad, or guilty, but its the truth," Mikey sighed heavily,
refusing to meet Gerard's eyes once he was finished speaking.
"Don't fucking talk about the band," Gerard growled, trying to push back his
anger over Mikey's statement.
"No Gerard - I'm going to talk about it, because you need to fucking own up to
what happened, because it did - we were in a band, a fucking good band, and we
were going places until you freaked out and ended everything before it began."
"Shut up Mikey -"
"That's what you want, but I'm not going to Gerard, not this time. You need to
stop pretending that My Chem didn't happen - okay? It's not healthy, and it's
stupid, and I'm your own brother, and I don't even understand why you ended it.
Three Cheers was a great album, people were loving us...and - I just don't
understand Gee..." Mikey choked out, and Gerard found himself fighting back his
own wave of unexpected tears.
"Mikes...I just had to. The band was killing us, and it - it was too much, and
I just couldn't...none of us could keep it up," Gerard mumbled quietly, but he
was cut off by a loud scoff from his brother.
"Don't feed me those bullshit excuses, I have heard them one thousand times
before," Mikey sighed wearily, turning away from Gerard angrily.
"It's true Mikes...I don't know what else to say." Gerard's stomach twisted
uncomfortably as he spoke, but he couldn't tell Mikey the whole truth, he
couldn't tell anyone, but it wasn't like the rest of it was a lie.
The band had been killing them, and one of them would have overdosed or died of
alcohol poisoning sooner or later with the way they were going. Their last tour
had nearly destroyed all of them, and even though Gerard had already been
working on their next album, he couldn't bring himself to live that life any
longer, not after everything that had happened.
"I'm sorry - I'm just angry, and tired, but we don't have to talk about it
right now. I just wish you would fucking open up to me. I used to know
everything about you...but now you are like a stranger to me," Mikey sniffled
softly, turning back to Gerard with a weak smile.
"I'm sorry Mikes." Gerard hung his head in shame, not knowing what else to say,
because Mikey was right, but Gerard didn't even know what was going on in his
head half the time, and if he could explain it to his brother, he would, but
not yet.
"So...you fucked Frank last night?" Mikey changed the subject abruptly, leaving
Gerard sputtering for air as his cheeks flamed bright red.
"What...how did you - did you hear us?" Gerard choked out, trying to hide his
blush from Mikey before he caught sight of it.
"No - thank fuck for that," Mikey chortled softly.
"Then...how did you know?" Gerard asked sheepishly.
"Because you were actually smiling when you walked in here, and I saw the way
you two were eye fucking each other last night, so it wasn't too hard to
guess."
"Oh - well uh...yeah..." Gerard blushed again as he admitted it. It was
slightly awkward talking to Mikey about this, especially since he had been at
the bar with Frank in the first place, which meant Mikey had most likely been
interested in Frank before Gerard even knew he existed, but it was too late for
Gerard to try and cover up what had happened.
"Did he see them?" Mikey questioned, and Gerard instantly knew that Mikey was
talking about the scars that littered his thighs and arms.
"I don't think so...he didn't say anything at least." Gerard glanced down at
his wrists as he spoke; the light marks there had almost completely faded away,
but the were still visible, and every day Gerard had to live with the scars he
had made on himself in his times of weakness.
Gerard hated the fact that he did this to himself, and even though it was a
rare occurrence for him to take a blade to his skin anymore, he had already
ruined himself beyond repair, and he was terrified of what Frank would think
when he finally noticed them.
Gerard had done his best to keep them hidden from Frank last night, and he had
made sure not to remove his pants until the last possible moment - the marks on
his thighs were much worse than anywhere else, but if he continued to see
Frank, he was going to catch sight of them eventually, but Gerard would cross
that hurdle when it happened.
"That's good - he was probably distracted by you giant dick," Mikey grinned.
"What the hell Mikey - you are my brother, you aren't allowed to talk about my
dick," Gerard squeaked, slapping Mikey weakly on the shoulder as he tried not
to die of embarrassment.
"What - I lived on a bus with you for years Gee, everyone in the band saw your
dick," Mikey giggled, but the sound quickly cut off when he caught sight of
Gerard's face.
"Stop talking about the fucking band Mikey...and my dick too for that matter."
Gerard scoffed angrily.
"Sorry...so - are you going to see Frank again?" Mikey asked, still chuckling
quietly to himself.
"Yeah - I hope so, maybe tomorrow if he follows through. I texted him earlier,
so I will see if he responds." Gerard felt a smile breaking out on his face
again now that he was speaking of Frank, and by Mikey's raised eyebrow, he saw
it too.
"Good, I think you need someone like him in your life."
"Oh yeah - why?" Gerard pressed, because even though he knew why he wanted to
keep Frank around, he was curious to hear Mikey's reasoning.
"Because he is different - more caring than most people, or something like
that. I think he could make you love yourself again, or at least help you. I
just get a good vibe off of that guy," Mikey shrugged.
"Yeah - he is different," Gerard agreed, scooting over slightly when Mikey
shoved him to the side so he could get out of bed.
Frank was different - special even, and the fact that Mikey saw it too just
solidified Gerard's attraction to him, because Gerard trusted his brother's
judgment more than his own, more than anyone's actually. It was rare that Mikey
ever approved of Gerard's love interests, but he liked Frank, and that meant a
hell of a lot to Gerard.
"Well I don't know about you, but I'm fucking starving. You want to go to iHop
or something?" Mikey asked as he rifled around his room for some clothes,
obviously done with their current conversation.
"Yeah that sounds good," Gerard agreed, regaining his feet easily while
avoiding the clutter Mikey had littered around his room.
"Cool - just give me a minute and I'll be ready," Mikey mumbled out, his head
halfway buried in his closet as he searched for fuck knows what.
"Okay," Gerard answered, already halfway toward his room, or more importantly,
his phone.
Gerard was embarrassed of how nervous he was when he approached the innocent
looking device, but he knew he would be crushed if Frank hadn't responded, even
though it was perfectly understandable if he hadn't, but Gerard couldn't help
how quickly he got attached to people.
Gerard tried to prepare himself for disappointment, telling himself that Frank
was busy, and he might already be at his mother's house by now, so it was
possible that he wouldn't even check his phone until later, but his mental pep
talk wasn't making his hands any more stable, or his breathing slow down at
all.
Luckily for Gerard though, he had one new message when he finally unlocked his
phone, so he didn't have to deal with what would have happened if Frank hadn't
texted him back, because the outcome wouldn't have been pretty, but thank fuck
that wasn't the case.
And when Gerard read Frank's response, he felt an unfamiliar warmth bubbling in
his stomach, something he could only describe as pure joy, and fuck - this was
better than any drug, any drink, and Gerard would do whatever it took to make
this sensation last forever.
"Yeah - it's Frank. I would say you are cute in the morning too, but you are
pretty fucking cute all of the time."
Gerard quickly typed out a response, smiling to himself as he did so, because
Mikey was right; Frank was doing wonders for Gerard already, and tomorrow night
really couldn't come fast enough.
***** I Can't Think Of A Chapter Title So Have Some Pointless Filler *****
By the time Frank had reached his deceivingly innocent front door, his previous
good mood had deflated entirely, leaving him nothing but a mess of nerves and
shaking hands that didn't seem to want to grab onto his key just yet, and in
all reality, he truly didn't want to go inside, because then he would have to
deal with the fiasco that was his life once again.
Frank had been in such a rush to get home, but now that he was here, it was as
if he was moving in slow motion, because even though he knew his mother needed
him here, that didn't mean that Frank felt needed, or evenaccepted in this
house that was no longer a home.
Frank's house seemed to physically repel him, as if it knew that he wasn't
wanted here, and all that was awaiting him inside was an angry mother that was
sure to ask too many questions that Frank really couldn't provide answers to,
but Frank couldn't run away from this for any longer, and the quicker he got
this over with, the sooner he could go up to his room and daydream about
Gerard.
Being with Gerard had taken him away from all this, it had been an escape,
almost like living in an entirely different world, where Frank wasn't the
fucked up seventeen year with a debatably insane mother and nothing to look
forward to. When Frank had been with Gerard, he had been wanted, he had been
special, and most of all, he had been carefree, unrestrained by the usual
burdens which weighed him down, and Frank had almost forgotten what that felt
like, but he wanted to experience it again as soon as possible.
And as Frank finally got his house key into the lock, he realized that his
mother shouldn't even be home today - it was Wednesday after all, which meant
she had skipped out on work, probably because she was worried about Frank, and
now he had another mess on his hands to clean up once he made his way inside.
"Frankie - is that you?" Frank flinched at the hated nickname, because it only
brought back memories of his father, and it sounded so unnatural falling from
his mother's tongue, but no matter how many times he pleaded for her to simply
call him Frank, she never remembered.
"Yeah - it's me," Frank called out, internally bracing himself for whatever was
about to follow.
Because the terrifying thing was, that Frank had no idea what to expect. A
typical teenager would come home to a furious mother who would lecture their
son about staying out all night without calling, and that was definitely a
possibility, but honestly - Frank could be walking into anything right now. His
mother might not even recognize him, or she might erupt into tears at the sight
of him; Frank didn't know, he never knew, and he really hated not knowing
things.
Actually, Frank would be fine with not knowing how his mother would react, if
she would only do so in a way that wasn't totally irrational. Frank truly
yearned for a caring, overprotective mother that would genuinely be worried
about Frank's safety when he didn't come home that night, which was not what
most teenagers wished for, but Frank wasn't most teenagers, and he would
fuckingkill for that.
There had been countless nights when Frank's mother hadn't even realized Frank
was gone, but the worst was when she didn't know Frank was home, when she
didn't even acknowledge that she shared the house with another person. That was
what Frank hated the most, and at least his mother had recognized him when he
walked in the door, which meant he hadn't left Gerard's place for nothing.
Still, Frank was seized with the irrational desire to bolt while he still had
the chance, to dash back to Gerard's and take him up on that offer of
breakfast, or even better, drag him into the bedroom where Frank could bury all
of this in the touch of Gerard's skin against his own until Frank forgot
everything except for Gerard.
Frank could stay there all day, he could leave his mother to her own devices,
and not worry about whether she had called into work or not, or how much sick
time she had left, and if they would dock her pay for missing today. Frank
could ignore it all, he could drown out everything in the vortex that was
Gerard, but he didn't - not this time at least.
Because Frank had to take some responsibility for his actions here, and if his
mother had missed work because of him, he had to do his best to fix that, and
he had to make sure she was okay - even though shereally wasn't, because if
Frank didn't do those things, no one would, and the delicate foundations their
lives were balanced on would come crumbling down if Frank didn't hold them up.
And it was too late to run now anyway, because his mother had spotted him,
dropping her mug of coffee, or tea, or whatever the fuck it was onto the title
floors where it shattered into a thousand pieces, but she didn't even notice,
she was too busy wrapping Frank up in a bone crushing hug that didn't feel
comforting at all, even though that was probably her intention.
"Oh baby...I thought you had left me, and I was so scared - so alone...oh
god..." Linda broke off into quiet sobs as she buried her face in Frank's
shirt.
"I was just at Pete's mom...I'm sorry. I should have phoned you," Frank sighed,
patting his mother's back awkwardly in an attempt to soothe her as guilt
twisted in his stomach angrily. Frank truly hadn't meant to upset her this
much, and she had never panicked to such an extent when he had stayed out half
the night before, but Frank's mother was nothing if unpredictable, and Frank
knew that better than anyone.
"I don't want you going over there anymore honey, you need to stay here, stay
with me...where it's safe," Linda mumbled, her tears already ebbing almost as
fast as they had started.
"Mom...I - okay, I won't," Frank sighed out, because he had learned over the
past two years that it was pointless to argue with her, especially when she
would most likely forget about this entire conversation tomorrow.
"Good - you are such a good boy, nothing like your father." Frank shuddered
slightly at the mention of his father, and the venomous tone his mother laced
the word with, but his mother didn't notice Frank's averse reaction, of course
she didn't.
"Did you call into work today mom?" Frank asked, desperate to change the
subject away from his father, and luckily for him, it actually worked this
time.
"No...but it's Saturday baby, I don't go in on the weekends - remember?"
Frank's mother finally pulled away from him with a puzzled look on her face,
and Frank had to suppress his groan of frustration from escaping a throat.
"No it isn't...it's Wednesday mom. Come on - let's go phone them okay?" Frank
took his mother's hand gently, leading her into the kitchen and over to the
landline.
"Huh...I must have lost track of the days," Linda murmured quietly before
picking up the phone and dialing the number to her work.
Frank listened in on her conversation, because if he didn't, god knows if his
mother would actually remember what she had been calling about in the first
place. She seemed to snap back to herself though, and after some subtle nudges
from Frank, she agreed to head in soon so she would only miss half of the day.
And after a few more pointless words, and meaningless promises, Frank managed
to get his mother out the door, and it was only when Frank could hear her start
the engine to her car that he allowed a few tears to escape down his cheeks now
that he was alone once again.
He didn't let himself break down completely, he just needed to release some of
the pent up anxiety inside of him so that he wouldn't snap entirely, because it
was obvious to Frank that his mother's mental illness was getting worse, not
better, and he had no fucking clue how long he was going to be able to keep her
functioning if she couldn't even remember what day of the week it was.
Frank was worried, so fucking worried, because what was he supposed to do here;
he couldn't be home twenty-four/seven, not if he wanted to keep his own job
that is, but his mother made way more money than Frank did, and if she got
fired, they would be evicted within a few months.
But it almost seemed like Frank's mother needed a constant babysitter now, and
Frank wasn't sure if he was up for the task. She had been missing work more
frequently then ever before, sometimes she drove off with the intentions of
going in, and it was only later that Frank learned that she had spent the day
shopping, or something like that instead, and Frank knew her company wasn't
very lenient with numerous absences.
Frank didn't know what else he could do to help her though, besides for
literally drive her to work and walk her inside as if she was a child heading
to her first day at school, and Frank knew she would never actually let Frank
do that. She was convinced that she was fine, and that Frank was just imagining
her odd behavior, and no matter how hard Frank tried to show her proof that she
needed help, it never worked.
Frank was truly at a loss for how to help his mother, and there was nothing
else he could do besides for try, but that didn't seem like nearly enough
anymore, and Frank felt like such a fucking failure who could only watch as his
mother slowly disintegrated before his very eyes.
Frank collapsed onto his bed with a tired grunt, planning on sleeping until he
had to head into work tonight, because it was either that or drive himself
crazy thinking about everything that was wrong with his life, but when Frank
pulled out his phone with the intentions of plugging it into the charger, he
saw a new text notification, and suddenly everything was a little more okay
with the world.
It was from Gerard, of course it was, and Frank had almost forgotten about the
earlier message already, even though he was amazed that Gerard had managed to
slip from his mind, although he had numerous other things to occupy his
thoughts.
But now it all came rushing back, and Frank let himself get caught up in the
dreamland that even thinking about Gerard ensconced him in, and all his fears
about his mother, and if she was actually going to work or not fell away from
him like shedding skin.
The message was simple, nothing more than a few sweet words, but at the same
time, it was everything to Frank, and he found himself actually smiling as he
stared at his phone screen much longer than the single line of text called for.
"Tomorrow can't come soon enough...I miss you already"
And fuck - Frank had no idea how badly he needed to hear those words until just
now, because the fact that he was seeing Gerard tomorrow was the only thing
keeping Frank from breaking into sobs and calling into work himself, and to
know that Gerard felt the same way meant so fucking much to Frank, so much that
he didn't even bother dissecting Gerard's intentions this time.
Because Frank needed this, he needed Gerard and whatever they had, and even if
Gerard really was just fucking with Frank, and he was going to end up getting
his heat broken in the end, Frank didn't really give a shit right now, because
for today, he washappy, and maybe he would be tomorrow too, and that was enough
to make Frank stop doubting Gerard until he gave him a good reason to do so.
And even though it was way too soon for Frank to be this dependent on Gerard,
Frank was already fucked, because Gerard had begun to symbolizehope for him;
hope for a better life, hope for love, hope that someone could actually care
about Frank for the first time in years, and if Frank was falling too fast, it
was understandable given his situation, at least, that was how Frank
rationalized it to himself.
And Frank was well aware what he was getting into, and he wasn't kidding
himself about their situation. This wasn't a fairytale, and he wasn't falling
in love with Gerard -no, this was something different, something else,
something desperate, full of lust, and need, and desire, but notlove, even
though Frank wanted it to one day end up there, but he wasn't stupid enough to
expect that Gerard could ever actually love Frank.
Gerard would get tired of Frank one day, or he would find out how fucked up he
truly was, or something, and Frank would lose Gerard - he knew that, but maybe
whatever time they did have together would be enough to help Frank heal, enough
to help him carry on just that much longer, so for now, Frank was going to take
everything Gerard could give him as long as he still wanted Frank around.
Gerard was a drug, more powerful than alcohol, more tempting; Frank had only
needed one taste to become addicted, and now it was too late for him to stop,
because even if this ended up destroying him, trying to distance himself from
Gerard would probably kill Frank first, and even though he was scared of this
connection - terrified actually, his fear was nowhere near as strong as his
desire to see Gerard again.
"I miss you too...I really wish I had stayed instead of coming here"
Frank didn't expect Gerard to respond immediately, his text had been sent
almost an hour ago after all, but as if Gerard was determined to prove Frank
wrong, his reply came through barely two minutes later.
"You okay?"
Those two words shouldn't have sent Frank into a fit of tears, but they did,
and out of nowhere, Frank found himself sobbing brokenly against his pillow,
and now that he started, he couldn't find the strength to stop.
It was as if Gerard knew, like he had been able to decipher Frank's mood
through a text message, and even though that should have been impossible, Frank
didn't know why else Gerard would have asked him that.
It wasn't like it was a normal response to what Frank had said, and really,
Frank had been expecting some casual flirting, or something, anything but that
innocent question which had made Frank remember how truly not okay he really
was.
Frank sat up in shock when he felt his phone buzzing softly against his hand,
and it was only then that he realized he had been crying for about twenty
minutes now, and he hadn't replied to Gerard's last text, and now Gerard was
calling him - fucking calling him, and Frank didn't know what to do.
For some reason, Frank hated talking on the phone, but that wasn't why he
didn't immediately pick up, because he would gladly put aside his distaste if
it meant that he got to hear Gerard's voice, but if he answered the call,
Gerard would be able to tell that he was crying, and Frank didn't have the
energy to lie and pretend he was fine right now.
His phone stopped vibrating for a moment, and through his tear stained eyes,
Frank saw the notification that he had one missed call, followed instantly by a
new text message, which Frank couldn't resist checking, even though he still
had tears streaming down his face.
"Call me?"
And even though Frank knew this was a terrible idea, he found himself pressing
the redial button, and although his brain was screaming at him to stop this,
his arm was already bringing the phone up to his ear, and then Gerard's voice
was filling Frank's otherwise silent room, and it was too late to back out now.
"Frank...you there?" Gerard asked, and just hearing the genuine concern in his
tone had Frank choking back another wave of tears.
"Yeah - it's me," Frank whispered, as if keeping his voice lowered would keep
his sobs at bay as well.
"I'm glad you called," Gerard stated, and Frank was so fucking grateful to
Gerard in that moment, because he hadn't asked what was wrong, or why Frank was
crying, he was just letting Frank know that he was there, and he cared, and
that was exactly what Frank needed right now.
Frank was still upset, and he was still hurting, but it wasn't as unbearable as
it had been two minutes ago, and just Gerard's presence had managed to calm
Frank down, even though it was through a crappy cell connection, and not the
real thing.
"I honestly don't know why I did..." Frank chuckled weakly, that sad laugh that
he always used when he was trying to hold back his sobs.
"It's okay, because I do, and I know you are upset. I don't know why, but it
doesn't really matter, and you can tell me if you want, but you don't have to."
"I - I just...fuck Gerard, I don't know how you know that, but I don't even
care. I'm just fucked up, and I can't stop crying, and I hate this," Frank
sniffled softly, trying to wipe away the tears that were still pouring down his
face in a never ending torrent.
"Oh sugar...I don't like the thought of you crying," Gerard murmured
soothingly, and Frank found himself pressing his ear closer to the phone so he
could hear Gerard better, because he was pretty sure Gerard had just given him
a pet name, and fuck - Frank could get used to that.
"I still don't get why you care, or why you even called - fuck, I sound like an
asshole, but I don't mean it like that. I'm just confused, but I like this, and
I like you, and I don't want you to stop talking," Frank rambled out in between
gasps for air, and if he had been thinking clearly, Frank would probably have
been mortified by his outburst of honesty, but he wasn't, so he didn't care.
"Then I won't stop talking, and I care because I like you too Frank, and I
think I understand what you are going through - at least, I know what it's like
to be overwhelmed, and alone, and I don't want you to be alone, so I called.
Does that make you less confused?" Gerard giggled quietly, and Frank cracked a
sad smile at the sound.
"Thank you - really, I - I'm fine, I'm just freaking myself out, and I just
wish that everything was different, or something, and I sort of just want to
run away, but I can't run away from myself..." Frank trailed off awkwardly,
because his mouth was running a mile ahead of his brain, and even though Frank
was being purposely vague, this was the most that he had opened up to anyone in
ages, and he was getting slightly uncomfortable with how easy talking to Gerard
was.
"It's okay not to be fine Frank - it's okay, but if you want to pretend, I
understand, I just want you to know that you don't have to pretend with me."
"Fuck - why are you so perfect?" Frank chuckled to himself, because really,
Gerard had to be a mind reader or some shit, because there was no way he could
guess exactly what Frank needed to hear right now, but he was, and Frank was
actually starting to feel better - his tears had finally stopped at least, so
that was a start.
"I'm not perfect Frank - far from it actually," Gerard answered after a few
moments of silence, and Frank didn't miss the tortured edge to Gerard's words,
but he pretended not to notice it.
"Is it too late to take you up on that offer for breakfast?" Frank stuttered
out, because he was overcome with an intense desire to see Gerard in person, to
watch his lips move as he formed the words that Frank was desperately absorbing
like oxygen into starving lungs; Frank felt like he would suffocate without
them, and he couldn't stop himself from voicing the question, even though he
felt slightly pathetic doing so.
"You can come over for breakfast any time."
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes." Frank hung up the phone before he could
hear Gerard's answer, and he was out the door in thirty seconds flat, his tears
nothing more than forgotten stains on his cheeks, and his previous sorrow
shriveling away next to the brilliant joy that had unfurled in his chest now
that he was going back to see Gerard.
Frank basically ran the short distance to Gerard's apartment complex, even
though he would never admit that to anyone, but he was aching to be back in
Gerard's arms, no matter that they had barely been separated for two hours - it
had seemed liketwo years to Frank.
And Frank knew he was being irrational, and he really should have stayed home
just in case his mother showed back up, and he had to herd her out the door
again, but Frank was done with worrying about that for now, because everything
was falling apart anyway, and Frank knew his efforts were only prolonging the
inevitable fall of his mother, and right now, Frank really didn't give a shit
if everything came crumbling down around his head.
Frank made the journey in thirteen minutes exactly, and by the time he skidded
to a halt in front of Gerard's door, Frank had to take a moment to catch his
breath and think about what he was doing before he knocked.
Because Frank hadn't really though this through, and Gerard was probably going
to have questions about what had happened, and why Frank was back after so
adamantly stating that he had to leave earlier this morning, and really, Frank
painted a pretty pathetic picture right now.
Frank's shirt was still wet from his recent tears, and he was sure his eyes
were bloodshot and puffy. Frank was weak, his defenses were down, and it would
be all too easy to let Gerard see the real Frank that he had kept hidden from
everyone besides Pete for years.
And now that Frank had paused for a minute and actually realized what he was
doing, he had no fucking idea why he had come to Gerard's instead of Pete's,
because Pete was the person that Frank always turned to when he felt this way,
but today, stopping by his friend's house hadn't even crossed his mind.
Because even though Gerard was a stranger, and there was no good explanation
for why Frank trusted him so much, so soon, he did, and Gerard made all of the
shit Frank had eating away at his mind disappear, which was something that not
even Pete had been able to do lately, because yes - Pete helped, but he
couldn't lose himself in Pete like he did with Gerard, and Frank needed to
immerse himself in something right now, even if it was a man's arms that he had
only met last night.
In the end, it was Gerard's apartment door that helped Frank make up his mind,
because somehow, it seemed one thousand times more inviting than his own home,
and that meant something to Frank. He felt safe here with Gerard, and maybe it
was okay to let go and be himself, because Gerard seemed to like Frank, and
hecared, and if this all went to shit, at least Frank got away for the day
instead of staying home crying until he had fallen into a dream filled sleep
that would leave him more tired than before.
So Frank forced himself to raise his hand and rap gently on the door, and he
didn't even have time to get nervous before it was being pulled open, and there
was Gerard, looking even more gorgeous than Frank remembered, staring down at
Frank with a caring expression tinged with genuine happiness that made his
knees weak and his heart beat speed up, and Frank instantly knew he had made
the right decision in coming here.
"Frank - I didn't know if you would come," Gerard exhaled heavily, as if he had
been holding his breath the entire time Frank had been making his way over.
"I said I would," Frank smiled, stepping inside when Gerard motioned with his
hand for him to come in.
"I know, but I thought - it doesn't matter. I missed you," Gerard smiled, that
crooked grin that Frank would never get tired of staring at.
"Fuck - I missed you too," Frank admitted quietly.
And then Gerard was leaning down, pressing Frank back against the door frame in
a perfect parody of the kiss they had last shared, but this time, Frank wasn't
leaving, he was going to stay here with Gerard for as long as possible, fuck
work, fuck everything, nothing mattered when Gerard was kissing him like there
wasn't anything else he would rather be doing.
"You okay?" Gerard asked when they finally pulled apart, leaving Frank dizzy
and gasping for air, and really, Gerard's arms wrapped around his waist was the
only thing keeping his knees from collapsing and depositing him on the ground
right now.
And there was thatquestion again, that question that everyone asks but never
truly expects an answer, but Gerard seemed like he actually did, like he
genuinely wanted to know if Frank was really okay, and Frank felt literal
bubbles of warmth forming in his stomach, floating up to into his chest until
Frank felt like he might explode from the sensation.
"Yeah - I am."
And this time, Frank wasn't lying, or pretending, not even a little bit,
because when he was around Gerard, everything seemed bearable again, and even
if Frank was just hiding from his life, he was going to keep doing it if it
made him feel this way, and when Gerard reattached their lips eagerly, Frank
actually felt pretty fucking perfect.
***** Blowjobs And Pancakes - Not At The Same Time Of Course *****
Frank's head was spinning, and he couldn't breathe, not with Gerard kissing
thelife out of him, and right now, Frank really wished Gerard was oxygen, and
his body could live off of his lips alone, that way, Frank would never have to
break this perfect moment, because he didn't want it to end - not ever.
So Frank kept their mouths firmly pressed together, even after his lungs began
to burn painfully, even when colorful spots began to dance behind his eyelids,
because Frank needed more - more of Gerard's taste, his tongue, his lips, more
of everything.
Gerard was the one to finally break the kiss, his chest heaving and his cheeks
stained with color, but Frank only took a moment to observe these things before
pressing his face into the crook of Gerard's neck, even though he could have
stared at Gerard for years, as he had already proven last night, but right now,
he wanted to keep this physical connection for as long as possible.
Mouthing at Gerard's pale skin in-between gasps for air, Frank pressed their
bodies even closer together, drinking in the soft moans that fell from Gerard's
mouth as desperately as the oxygen he was currently forcing into his lungs, and
honestly - Frank would have chosen the sounds Gerard was making over breathing
any day, because fuck - they were the hottest thing Frank had ever heard, and
Frank wanted to cause Gerard to produce more of them.
And even though the kissing was nice, Frank was selfish, and there was so many
things that he wanted to do to Gerard, he barely knew where to start - he
basically had a fuckinglist in his head for fucks sake, but Frank knew which
one he was craving most, which was getting Gerard's dick in his mouth as soon
as possible.
"Wanna suck you off," Frank muttered determinedly before dropping to his knees
with a muted thump, hiding his wince behind the curtain of hair that had fallen
over his face.
Frank didn't even wait for an answer from the older man before he began undoing
the button of Gerard's jeans, because if Gerard really didn't want this, he was
going to have to literally drag Frank off his dick, but if the way Gerard was
panting like he had just ran five miles meant anything at all, Frank had a
feeling that Gerard wasn't going to deny Frank this.
Frank needed this right now; he needed to feel this connection to another
person, and even though he had just been fucked by Gerard last night, simply
being around the gorgeous man had Frank's sex drive at an all-time high, and
Frank was desperate for more of Gerard's cock, especially since he hadn't been
given much of an opportunity to appreciate it before now.
Slipping his hand into Gerard's boxers, Frank gazed upward at the dark haired
man who was staring back at Frank, his eyes wide and his bottom lip in-between
his teeth as he watched Frank eagerly. Frank wrapped his hand around Gerard
loosely, waiting for the accompanying groan that followed, and Frank wasn't
disappointed.
Gerard flung his head back as Frank began to move his hand up and down, a
strangled noise leaving his throat before he clasped a hand over his mouth in
an attempt to silence himself, but Frank quickly grew frustrated with the
awkward angle, so he returned to his main goal, which was getting Gerard's
jeans off as quickly as humanly possible.
Frank struggled with that though, because Gerard's pants were fucking tight,
and he couldn't seem to get them down his legs properly, not to mention that
Gerard wasn't helping at all, he was almost hindering the process actually, and
Frank was beginning to get very pissed off with the thick fabric very quickly.
"Fucking hell -" Frank grunted out, his fingers fighting with a third hidden
button that he hadn't noticed, but seriously - who the fuck has more than one
button on their jeans, besides for Gerard apparently.
"Here," Gerard finally spoke, removing his hands from where they had been
pressed against the wall so he could help Frank shuffle his jeans down a bit,
taking his boxers with them as well so finally - fucking finally, his cock
sprang free from the confining denim.
Frank had to take a moment to stare, because even though he had gotten a
glimpse of Gerard's dick last night - this was different, and now Frank was up
close and personal with Gerard's impressive length, and as weird as this
sounded, Gerard had a beautiful cock, even though Frank would never actually
put that into words, he would probably die of embarrassment if that happened.
It was the truth though, and Frank was sort of in awe over how perfect Gerard's
dick actually was. Frank leaned forward slightly, licking away the drop of pre-
come that was hanging off the tip before pulling back again so he could observe
the small shudder that wracked Gerard's body, causing his cock to bounce upward
slightly, and fuck - Gerard was so hard already, Frank's own dick was swelling
just from looking at him.
And even though this wasn't a perfect setup, and Gerard's pants were still too
far up around his thighs, Gerard made no attempt to move them any lower; in
fact, Frank thought he saw him trying to hold them up on the back, but whatever
- Frank was too turned on to care by this point, and Gerard's dick was sort of
demanding all of his attention right now.
"Is this okay?" Frank asked, feeling a little thrown off by Gerard's odd
behavior, not to mention the fact that he wasn't being anywhere near as vocal
as he had been last night, and Frank felt the need to make sure he wasn't
crossing some sort of line here.
"Yeah - fuck yeah...but Mikey's home," Gerard whispered, his eyes darting
toward his brother's room nervously as he spoke.
That should have been Frank's cue to stop, because he wasn't an exhibitionist,
and the idea of Gerard's brother that Frank had been considering fucking the
other night walking in on them was not a turn on, but Frank was too far gone to
stop this now, and every rational brain cell in his body had shut down under
the weight of the overwhelming lust that was currently taking over Frank's
mind.
"I guess you will have to be quiet then," Frank smirked before wrapping his
lips around Gerard's head, inhaling through his nose as his mouth was flooded
with Gerard's taste.
Frank moaned as much as he could when Gerard's hips kicked forward slightly,
pushing just a bit more of Gerard into Frank's mouth, and fuck - this was even
better than Frank had imagined it would be; Gerard was thick, stretching
Frank's lips wide over his pulsing length, and Frank felt so used, so filthy,
but in the best way possible, which didn't really make sense, but it did if you
were Frank.
Frank pulled off for a second, digging his tongue into Gerard's slit so he
could lap up the bitter pre-come that was weeping from it, wanting more of
Gerard's unique flavor, and Frank couldn't help but groan in delight when the
heady taste overflowed his senses, causing an accompanying moan to fall from
Gerard's lips.
When Frank glanced at Gerard through his eyelashes, he actually had to reach
down and cup his own aching cock, because Gerard was staring at him with blown
out pupils and desperation written all over his features, and Frank felt so
fucking good, because he was the one making Gerard fall apart - his tongue, his
mouth, and he wanted to see Gerard loose it completely.
Deciding to tease Gerard for just a little bit longer, Frank pressed his tongue
to the side of Gerard's cock, trailing it lower until he reached his balls,
making sure to take his time licking each one softly until Gerard's legs were
trembling around him.
"Please..." Gerard gasped out, one of his hands coming down to tangle in
Frank's hair, trying to encourage Frank to return to his cock without having to
actually form any more words, because speaking was obviously a struggle for him
right now.
Frank responded instantly, taking Gerard in as deep as he could go, using his
hand to cover the rest of his length that he couldn't fit in his mouth. Gerard
keened softly, his hold on Frank's hair tightening to an almost painful degree
as Frank sucked down hard, but Frank was loving every second of this.
"Fuck - fuck...oh god," Gerard chanted as Frank began to move up and down, spit
dripping from his mouth obscenely as he hummed happily around Gerard's cock.
Frank fucking loved this - he loved sucking cock, because he was good at it,
and there was something about the taste, and the weight, and the fact that he
was making Gerard feel so fucking good that caused Frank's skin to catch fire,
his nerve endings tingling as if he was the one getting sucked off, and Frank
had to slip his free hand into his pants, popping the button on his jeans so he
could begin stroking his own cock harshly in time with his movements around
Gerard's.
Gerard was holding back though, and Frank didn't want that; he wanted Gerard to
shove his cock down his throat, deeper, harder, he wanted to fucking choke it
on, he wanted Gerard to take control, but Gerard wasn't moving at all, besides
for the involuntary twitches of his hips that he didn't seem able to control.
"I want you to fuck my mouth," Frank rasped out as he pulled off Gerard's cock,
his voice coming out deep and hoarse, a combination of Frank's arousal and
having a dick in his mouth.
"Jesus Christ sugar..." Gerard groaned out, his cock jumping as Frank began to
move his hand up and down his length ever so slowly.
"Is that a yes?"
"Fuck yes." Gerard tugged hard on Frank's hair, forcing his mouth back onto his
dick roughly, and yes - this is what Frank wanted; he wanted to lose control,
to lose himself in Gerard, and Gerard finally seemed to be getting with the
program.
Gerard's first thrust was tentative, shallow, as if Gerard was just testing
Frank, but Frank was so fucking done with waiting, so he used both of his hands
to pull Gerard even closer to him, his head banging against the front door as
Gerard's cock was shoved down his throat roughly.
And even though Frank gagged slightly, and he couldn't breathe for a short
moment, he didn't care; actually - this is what he wanted, and he tried to let
Gerard know that by releasing a loud moan, well - as loud as possible with a
dick in his mouth that is.
"Holy shit Frank," Gerard murmured in-between gritted teeth, pushing in just a
bit further until spit was dripping down Frank's jaw, but Frank simply
swallowed around Gerard, causing him to release a throaty cry that was much too
loud, but Gerard instantly quieted himself as he began to move.
Gerard's dick slid in-between Frank's lips quickly, soaked with Frank's saliva,
andfuck - Frank wanted to see this, he wanted to watch as Gerard's cock
disappeared into his mouth before being pulled back out, but Frank couldn't
keep his eyes open any longer, so he simply leaned back against the door,
enjoying the feeling of being trapped between the unforgiving wood and Gerard's
warm body.
Frank slipped his hand back into his open jeans, palming himself rapidly as
Gerard snapped his hips even faster, his fingers holding Frank's head exactly
where he wanted him, and Frank yielded completely, letting his body go lax as
Gerard's movements quickened by the second.
"Fucking hell Frank - fuckinglook at you...so fucking hot, I love your fucking
mouth," Gerard whispered in a breathy voice, quiet moans punctuating every
other word, and Frank could only hum in agreement, his eyes watering slightly
as Gerard hit the back of his throat with a particularly harsh thrust.
Frank was getting so close just from this, just from having Gerard use his
mouth to get himself off. Frank's dick was leaking in his jeans, the pre-come
helping the slide of Frank's hand as he continued to fist him furiously,
desperate for some release from the aching pressure in his stomach.
"So close - fuck...come on," Gerard growled, and Frank made sure to tighten the
suction of his lips as much as he could, swallowing deeply around Gerard,
keeping him trapped in the back of his throat as Gerard's dick began to pulsate
wildly, and it was only seconds later before he was coming - hot spurts filling
Frank's mouth as Gerard trembled and cried out hoarsely.
Gerard pulled away from Frank's mouth weakly when he was empty, and Frank could
feel come dripping down his chin; he felt messy, and disgusting, and so fucking
turned on, but Frank just couldn't get a good enough angle to get himself off,
so as soon as Gerard's cock was past his lips, Frank was ripping his jeans down
angrily, trying to get his dick out so he could fucking come like he had been
needing to for ages.
"Come here," Gerard demanded, shocking Frank out of his desperate race to get
his jeans down, and for a second, Frank had almost forgotten that Gerard
existed, his need to come had taken over everything else right now.
"It hurts - fuck," Frank whined when Gerard dragged Frank's body against his,
trapping Frank's hard dick against his stomach, making it impossible for Frank
to touch himself.
"I've got you baby, god - you are so fucking perfect - wanna watch you come,
are you gonna come for me?" Gerard asked, reaching down in-between their
torsos, and yes - that was just what Frank needed.
Gerard seemed to know exactly how to touch Frank, from the way he dropped his
hand down to cup his balls, to the way he flicked his wrist when he reached
Frank's tip, and embarrassingly enough, it only took Frank about a minute
before he was spurting all over Gerard's hand, his body convulsing violently
before his muscles went limp, and Frank collapsed against Gerard's chest in a
boneless mess.
Frank wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, Gerard kneeling on the floor
with Frank basically sitting in his lap as their heavy breathing filled the
otherwise silent room, Gerard occasionally pressing soft kisses to Frank's
sweaty forehead, but finally, Frank lifted his head, gazing up at Gerard with a
lazily smile on his face.
"Thanks - uh, I needed that," Frank chuckled quietly, his voice coming out
pretty much wrecked because of the rough treatment he had just received, but
Frank reveled in it, almost like it was a badge of honor that he was proud to
bear.
"Did you seriously just thank me for letting you suck my cock?" Gerard arched
one of his perfect eyebrows at Frank, and now that Frank thought about what he
had just said, it did sound sort of ridiculous, but it wasn't necessarily the
action he had been referring to, it was more the fact that Gerard had been
there for Frank, and he had let Frank use him to drown out the world for a
little while, but Frank didn't know how to put any of that into words.
"Uh...yeah, I guess I did," Frank smiled, wiping his mouth discreetly as he
stood up on shaky legs, fastening his pants back up in the process, and Gerard
repeated Frank's actions.
Gerard held up a finger, signaling to Frank that he would be right back, and
Frank watched as Gerard disappeared down the hallway leading to his bedroom,
stripping off his shirt - which was covered in Frank's come - as he went.
Frank's own clothing had emerged relatively unscathed, besides for the fact
that he had been wearing them for two days now, and they were starting to
smell, but whatever.
Gerard returned with a new shirt, as well as a wet towel which he handed to
Frank, and Frank gratefully wiped his mouth with it. Frank wasn't sure if he
would ever get used to how caring Gerard was, but it was really fucking nice to
have someone help him clean up afterward, instead of being kicked out as soon
as the other guy had gotten off, and Frank wondered if Gerard knew how much the
simple gesture meant to him.
"So...did you still want breakfast? I don't know if you ate at your mom's or
whatever, but I sort of don't want you to leave yet," Gerard asked once Frank
was finished peering in the small mirror hanging by the doorway, making sure he
looked mostly presentable, and not like he had just gotten his mouth fucked for
a good ten minutes.
"Yeah - I'm actually pretty hungry, so if you aren't busy or anything, that
would be nice." Frank's stomach growled as if to punctuate his words, and Frank
only just now realized it had been way too long since he had last eaten a
proper meal.
"I'm never too busy for you," Gerard smiled widely, and even though Frank knew
he was probably just saying that, and it was only another compliment that meant
nothing, Frank couldn't help the fierce blush that overtook his cheeks, and he
knew he would be repeating those words to himself late at night when he needed
to hear them most.
---------------------------------------------
Frank had quickly discovered that Gerard had nothing even remotely edible in
his house, so staying in for breakfast was out of the question, and that was
how they found themselves at the iHop down the road, the two of them seated in
a large booth that made Frank feel oddly isolated. There was too much distant
in-between him and Gerard, and he almost wanted to move so he could be sitting
next to him, instead of across from him, but Frank wasn't that comfortable with
their relationship yet, if you could even call it that.
"Get whatever you want - it's on me." Gerard set his menu down after barely
glancing it at for a second, and Frank repeated the process, because he already
knew what he wanted, and that was a fuck ton of pancakes.
"I can pay," Frank insisted, because even though he was tight on funds, he
wasn't so poor that he couldn't afford breakfast, and he didn't want Gerard to
think that he was.
"I know you can, but I want to since this is our first proper date after all,
and it's my treat okay - no arguments." Gerard crossed his arms stubbornly, and
if Frank's brain hadn't been so distracted by what Gerard had just said, he
would have noticed how fucking cute Gerard looked when his face took on a
stubborn cast.
"So this is a date?" Frank managed to choke out, picking up his menu again in a
pretense of interest so he could hide his red cheeks from Gerard.
"Well yeah - I know I'm supposed to take you out before we fuck, but better
late than never I hope?" Gerard asked quietly, and if Frank wasn't mistaken,
Gerard's voice cracked slightly, as if he was nervous to hear Frank's answer.
"This is perfect Gerard - seriously," Frank assured the older man, and the
smile that formed on Gerard's lips had Frank's blood thrumming under his skin.
"You boys ready to order - oh - couldn't stay away I see?" The blonde waitress
asked as she came to a stop at Frank and Gerard's table, causing Frank to shoot
Gerard a quizzical look.
"Oh - um...yeah, I might have come here with Mikey earlier," Gerard informed
Frank with a sheepish look before turning back to the waitress. "I'm just going
to get black coffee."
"Um - I want the strawberry pancakes please," Frank stuttered out when the
waitress turned to him with her pencil poised over her small notepad.
"Okay, anything to drink?" she asked cheerfully.
"Coffee's good for me too," Frank finally answered, handing her his menu
awkwardly in an attempt to get her away from the table as quickly as possible
so he could question Gerard.
"Okay, well my name is Samantha, and just call if you need anything else."
"Yeah - okay..." Frank mumbled distractedly, too busy trying to catch Gerard's
eye to grace her with a proper response, which had become a very difficult task
since Gerard was staring at the table intently, like it was covered in secret
messages that only he could see.
Frank's stomach began to twist violently as Gerard continued to avoid his gaze,
and his earlier hunger was almost completely erased as he tried to figure out
why Gerard hadn't told him that he had already eaten. It wasn't as if Gerard
had lied, and even if he had, it wasn't like Frank was one hundred percent
honest with Gerard, but still - Frank couldn't help but feel guilty, burdensome
actually, and he honestly wished Gerard had never taken him here right now,
even though Frank knew he was overreacting completely.
"Frank...you okay?" Gerard finally lifted his head, but now it was Frank's turn
to avoid his gaze stubbornly.
"Why didn't you tell me you had already eaten...I could have gotten something
on my own," Frank mumbled softly, still refusing to look up, just in case
Gerard noticed how upset Frank had gotten over something so stupid.
"Because I wanted to take you out, not to mention there was no coffee at home,
so this is a win/win situation for me," Gerard shrugged, reaching across the
table to he could engulf Frank's hand in his larger ones, causing Frank to jolt
slightly in surprise.
"I - I just feel bad, you didn't have to go out of your way just for me," Frank
sighed, but the simple pressure of Gerard's palm, coupled with the way Gerard
was tracing his wrist lightly with his index finger had Frank calming down
already, and he realized that none of this was important, and he should be
grateful that Gerard wanted to spend time with him.
"Sugar...I wanted to, and you sounded pretty upset earlier, so I thought maybe
taking you out would cheer you up."
"I like when you call me that," Frank admitted softly, and fuck - he was
blushing again, but Frank was starting to get used to the fact that he was
constantly going to be reduced to a red faced mess around Gerard.
"Good, because I'm not going to stop," Gerard smirked, and it took all of the
self-control Frank possessed to restrain himself from leaning across the table
and kissing Gerard within an inch of his life.
The waitress returned just then, bringing their coffee with her, and once their
cups were both filled with the steaming liquid, and the waitress had retreated
to another table, Frank went back to gazing at Gerard with an adoring smile on
his face.
"So...do you want to talk about whatever happened - like I said before, you
totally don't have to, but sometimes it helps, and then sometimes it
doesn't..." Gerard trailed off awkwardly, taking a large sip of his coffee that
Frank was ninety-nine percent sure had scalded the shit out of his tongue.
"I don't really want to explain it right now, because it's a long story, and
it's stupid, and being around you makes me forget about all that shit for a
little while, and that's helping a lot," Frank sighed, because even though he
could tell that Gerard was truly curious about what Frank was hiding, Frank was
nowhere near ready to spill his life out to Gerard just yet, and he didn't know
if he ever would be.
"That's fine - I will keep you distracted then, I'm good at that."
"Oh yeah - how do you plan on occupying my attention," Frank teased, his mind
instantly plunging into the gutter, but they were in public, and Frank really
needed to calm down before he popped a boner in the family oriented restaurant.
"Well when I go out, which isn't often honestly, I love to people watch, and
like - make up stories about their lives. I know it seems sort of stupid, but
it is a really good way to pass the time," Gerard smiled widely, his mind
obviously on a completely different track than Frank's, but Frank could sit and
stare at a blank wall with Gerard and he would probably find it fascinating.
"Oh yeah - so what is that lady's story?" Frank pointed to an elderly woman
seated by herself in the corner, truly curious to see what Gerard was going to
come up with.
"Hmm...well, she is alone, so maybe her husband passed away some time ago - not
too recently, because she doesn't seem weighed down by sorrow, but she still
can't bear to come here with anyone else just yet. This is where they came on
the first date, and this place holds a special spot in her heart, so on the
anniversary of his death, she comes here to remember him." Gerard's eyes got a
faraway look in them as he spoke, and Frank had to shake himself when Gerard
finished his story, because he had actually gotten lost in the words that
Gerard had woven around him like a soft blanket.
"Wow...that was really good."
"Thanks - now it's your turn...how about...him?" Gerard pointed to a man who
might have been in his late forties, a briefcase laying on the seat beside him
and a stack of papers on the table.
"Uh - well, he's an important lawyer, or something, but his job has taken over
his life, and he literally works twenty-four/seven, and he is starting to
regret where he has ended up. Yeah - he has money, and a nice house, but he
couldn't even get time off work for his parents funeral, and he has been single
for ages. If he was given a chance to go back and do it all over again, he
would change everything, maybe take out that girl who smiled at him the other
night instead of ignoring her because of all the work he has to do, and...um -
that's all I got," Frank chuckled, glancing at Gerard for approval of his
fictional tale.
"Wow Frank, you are a natural at this." Frank blushed at Gerard's compliment,
but before he could respond, the waitress arrived with Frank's pancakes and a
refill of coffee, and Frank was distracted by the steaming platter set before
him.
Frank ignored Gerard's stifled giggles as Frank dug into his food, because yes
- his table manners weren't the best, but Frank was fuckinghungry, and Gerard
could laugh all he wanted, but Frank was determined to take the biggest bite of
pancakes he could fit into his mouth without choking.
"Oh my god Frank - slow down before you hurt yourself," Gerard chucked, earning
a glare from Frank as he swallowed the large mouthful of food determinedly.
"Fuck you - I'm hungry okay," Frank mumbled sullenly, but he couldn't hide the
way his lips turned up slightly in a smile he was trying his best to keep
obscured from Gerard.
"I see that."
"Thank you by the way - forthis, for taking me out, for actually caring enough
to call and check up on me," Frank spoke up after a few more silent minutes
passed as Frank continued to eat.
"You don't have to thank me Frank," Gerard waved him off, but Frank was
determined to let Gerard know how much this simple gesture meant to him.
"But I do...because - fuck, I don't know how to explain this without sounding
pathetic, but it's been ages since someone has done this for me, and it means a
lot, especially coming from you, because I really like you, and I never thought
you would like me back, but you do, and that means the fucking world to me."
Frank snapped his mouth shut before he said anything else, even though he
already felt like he had spilled too much.
"Oh Frank...of course I like you, and even though this has all happened really
quickly, and I barely know you, I feel like I do, and I want to know more, and
I know I'm moving too fast, or whatever, but I'm always going to be here for
you - seriously, whenever you need to get away, or just need someone to call,
you have me okay?"
"Okay...I will remember that."
Frank returned to eating after that, because he had no idea what else to say,
and he was trying his best to fight back the horde of butterflies that were
throwing themselves against his stomach as Gerard's words sunk in, but Gerard
seemed to understand that, and he stayed silent as well, humming a nameless
tune as he continued to sip on his coffee every now and then, and fuck - Frank
had never been happier than he was right now.
And even though nothing had changed, and Frank's life was still pretty shitty,
in a way, it seemed like the addition of Gerard into it had made Frank's
existence one million times better, and Frank actually had something to look
forward to now - he had hope, and that might just be all Frank needed to make
it through another day, another week, anotheryear.
Because even if Gerard wasn't by Frank's side that entire time, there was the
slim chance that hemight be, and that in itself made Frank want to wake up and
face tomorrow, because somehow - Gerard made Frank's life worth living again,
and Frank couldn't remember the last time he had been able to honestly say that
before today.
***** No Thanks For The Memories Pete *****
Frank was currently bundled up in Pete's bed, a box of pizza squeezed between
the two of them, the heat from the cardboard making Frank's thigh slightly
uncomfortable, but not so much that he felt bothered to move, that
involved effort after all, and Frank was more than content to sit there and
watch Pete fumble with the remote to his crappy DVD player, trying his best to
get the movie to start playing - something called V for Vendetta, and
apparently Frank hadn't lived until he had experienced this masterpiece -
Pete's words, not Frank's.
As Pete stuck his tongue out, his face set in a mask of concentration, Frank
reclined back onto the pillow he had placed behind his back, reaching for a
slice of pizza idly as he did so. After a few more minutes of buttons being
pushed, and Pete getting increasingly more frustrated, ending in him finally
getting up and turning on the device manually, Pete flopped back down onto the
bed, smiling triumphantly as if he had just discovered the cure for cancer,
instead of simply successfully powering up a DVD player.
"You are going to love this, believe me," Pete assured Frank before grabbing
his own slice of pizza, silence following his statement since Pete's mouth was
otherwise occupied, and Frank didn't feel the need to respond with words,
letting a soft hum suffice for an answer instead.
Frank truly tried to relax and pay attention to movie, but a nagging sense of
unease at the back of his mind refused to let him unwind completely, which was
a strange occurrence, especially here. Pete's house had always been like home
to Frank, it was the only place he could be himself, and even though that
hadn't changed, something had, and Frank had a feeling that something was named
Gerard.
Because as much as Frank loved being here, a part of his heart was now trapped
within the walls of Gerard's apartment, or wherever Gerard currently was, and
even though Frank would never voice it aloud, he couldn't help but wonder what
he would be doing if he was with Gerard instead of Pete, and even though Frank
felt like a terrible friend for thinking this way, he would be lying if he said
he didn't want to be at Gerard's place right now instead of with Pete.
It had been a week since Frank had met Gerard, even though sometimes it seemed
as if Frank had known Gerard forever, yet at the same time, seven days had
never passed so quickly in Frank's life. He hadn't even realized that he had
been avoiding Pete's house in the favor of Gerard's company, because that
hadn't been his intention - not at all, but when Pete had borderline begged
Frank to come over today, Frank couldn't refuse him.
And it wasn't as if Frank didn't want to be here, because he did; he loved
spending time with Pete, and he didn't want to become one of those people who
ignored their friends as soon as they got in a relationship, not that Frank and
Gerard were actually together, they hadn't discussed any sort of status anyway,
and Frank was too much of a coward to bring that topic up any time soon.
Frank was assured that Gerard wanted him in his life though, because they
hadn't gone a day without seeing each other since that first night, and Frank
hadn't even been the one to initiate most of it; actually, it was Gerard who
was constantly inviting Frank over, and even though Frank was finding it
difficult to juggle work, and his mother, and Gerard, he managed, and now he
just needed to remember to include Pete into that equation.
Frank felt guilty for his sudden absence from Pete's life, mostly because he
hadn't explained the reason yet. Pete had texted Frank quite a few times over
the past week, asking if everything was all right, because Frank's random
disappearing act had obviously thrown him, but Frank couldn't bring himself to
mention Gerard just yet, instead, he made up some flippant excuse, citing work
and little sleep as justification for his distant attitude, and Pete had been
buying it - untiltoday that is.
A part of Frank wanted to tell Pete all about Gerard; he wanted to gush like a
schoolgirl whose crush had finally asked them out, he wanted to go into
explicit detail about every moment of their time together - minus the sex of
course, which, now that Frank thought about it, was a large majority of their
activities, but Frank hadn't yet, and he wasn't one hundred percent sure why.
Frank trusted Pete, and he knew that he would never tell anyone about his tryst
with an older man; Pete already knew about Frank's perchance for hookups, and
it wasn't as if Pete could truly cause any damage with the information, even if
his mother found out, she would probably forget within days, so that wasn't the
reason for Frank's reluctance, but it was hard to put his finger on exactly
what was making him stay silent on the subject of Gerard.
Maybe it was the fact that Pete was always bemoaning the fact that he hadn't
found a boyfriend yet, and he would usually end those tirades with a soft
smile, coupled by "at least I always have you Frank", and Frank wasn't entirely
sure how Pete would react to the fact that Frank was seeing someone, instead of
just having one night stands, and Frank didn't want to do anything to drive his
best friend away.
But in all honesty, it was because Gerard seemed too good to be real, like a
ghost that would disappear if anyone else knew of his existence, or a dream
that Frank was living in, and telling Pete - or anyone really - would shatter
the illusion. Gerard was Frank's secret, the only thing he had in the world
that not one person knew about, and even though Frank wasn't in the habit of
obscuring parts of his life from his best friend, Gerard was changing that.
Gerard was changing everything actually, most of all Frank, because Frank was
actuallyhappy lately; he was walking into work with a smile on his face, caused
by the fact that he knew he would see Gerard after, and even his mother's ever
increasing oddities had ceased to bother him as much now that he had Gerard
there to support him.
Not that Gerard knew anything about his mother, or his personal life; Frank had
managed to keep the topic of their conversations away from all things relating
to that, and distracting Gerard was almost too easy of a task; all Frank had to
do was mention anything that Gerard was remotely interested in, and the older
man would go off on a tangent, completely forgetting their previous discussion
in favor of the new one.
Gerard had ranted for almost an hour about the color black the other day,
pointing out how it was so strange that both Frank and his shirts were
technically black, but they weren't the same color, so that should be
impossible, before proceeding to try and rename all of the shades of black,
ranging from ebony to faded dusk, and Frank had listened raptly the entire
time.
Frank loved hearing Gerard talk, and he almost looked forward to the quiet
times in which they both rambled about nothing at all even more than the sex
that usually came before or after, not that Frank didn't love the sex, it got
better every time, and Frank was actually in awe over how good Gerard was in
bed, but he really needed to stop thinking about that before he got hard, so
Frank forcibly turned his mind away from that train of thought.
Shaking his head groggily, Frank took a bite of his now cooling pizza, trying
his best to tune back into the movie, which was proving a difficult task since
he had missed most of the opening sequence thanks to his Gerard based
daydreams. Frank really couldn't help himself though, because if he wasn't with
Gerard, he was thinking about him, or texting him, and Frank would have been
worried about coming of as clingy if Gerard didn't act the exact same way.
Gerard seemed almost more attached to Frank than Frank was to him, which was
impossible of course, Frank simply tried to hide his burning desire to be
around the man twenty-four/seven, but still - it felt so fucking good to be
wanted, and Gerard made Frank feel that in spades, which was better than the
sex, better than the time away from home, and Frank was beginning to realize
that this was what he had been searching for his entire life.
Every hookup, every drunken night had been Frank looking for this, for someone
who wanted Frank around for more than one evening, for someone who didn't know
anything about Frank's past, or his future, and who didn't really care, or pry,
they simply wanted Frank in their life, and Gerard did exactly that, as if he
knew just what Frank needed, and he was determined to be there for Frank no
matter what.
Frank wondered if Gerard felt the same way, and if he was using Frank in a
similar fashion, because it was obvious that Gerard wasn't living the perfect
life, and he had some demons that Frank could only guess at, the heavy drinking
was a dead giveaway to that, not to mention the look Frank saw in his eyes at
times which so closely mirrored Frank's own internal sorrow.
Frank might just be imaging it, but Gerard seemed so tortured, especially when
Frank witnessed his conversations with Mikey, and Frank wanted to soothe away
the stress lines that would appear over his eyes whenever some unhappy thought
passed through his head, but Frank didn't know how, because he was clueless as
to what was wrong, and he had no idea what plagued Gerard so deeply that even
an almost stranger like Frank noticed.
It didn't help that Gerard maintained a cheerful disposition around Frank most
of the time, and it was almost flawless, so much so that Frank could nearly
convince himself that he had fabricated Gerard's internal turmoil, but it
slipped every so often, and even though Frank pretended not to notice, he did.
It was always only for a second, but Frank was beginning to see a pattern;
certain words set him off, especially any mentions of the band he and Mikey had
once been in, which Frank had learned early on to avoid that particular topic,
thanks to a nasty argument he had walked into between the brothers one day, but
it wasn't just that.
Mikey himself was a sensitive subject for Gerard, and any allusion to his
addiction had Gerard flinching slightly, but as with the band, those were all
understandable, and easily explained, but there were some triggers which Frank
had a harder time deciphering.
The word perfect for example, but only when directed at him; Gerard could
whisper into Frank's ear how flawless, and wonderful, and yes - perfect he was
for hours, but the second Frank said it back, Gerard shut down, his face
immediately falling into a stony mask, and it had only taken Frank a few slips
up to discover the fact that the supposed compliment only hurt Gerard, and he
did his best to diversify his vocabulary for Gerard's sake.
But Frank hadn't asked why - not once, because that wouldn't have been fair at
all; Gerard never pushed Frank to open up about his issues, so Frank refused to
do the same, even though the curiosity was already eating him up inside, and
they had only been seeing each other for a week, so Frank could only imagine
how much more intense the desire to know was going to grow over time, but he
was determined to continue ignoring it for as long as possible.
Frank couldn't help it though, he wanted to know every last minute detail about
Gerard, from his shoe size to his darkest secret, because everything Frank did
learn about the man was fascinating, even if they were only small tidbits or
hinted at events, Frank drank everything in, but he was never satisfied with
the knowledge he managed to glean, and he was left wanting more.
But Frank couldn't pry, because then he might be expected to reciprocate with
information of his own, and then Gerard might uncover the lie Frank was so
desperately trying to pass off as the truth, which was his age of course,
because if Gerard discovered that fact, this could all be over before it even
began, and Frank refused to take that risk.
And now that Frank really thought about it, their relationship - orwhatever
this was - was built on falsehoods, and evasions, and sex, and even though that
fact should have bothered him, it didn't, because Frank liked Gerard, really
liked Gerard, and he would do anything to keep him in his life, no matter the
consequences in the end, because that was in the future, and Gerard made Frank
want to live in the now.
"Frank - are you even paying attention?" Pete sighed in annoyance, causing
Frank to jump slightly in a manner that clearly proved that no - he had not
been, but he still decided to try and save face before Pete got even more
irritated with him.
"Yeah - sorry, you just startled me," Frank nodded, taking a bite out of his
pizza so he would have an excuse not to say anything else.
"Really - then what is the main girl's name." Pete cocked on eyebrow in Frank's
direction, and even though Frank knew he was fucked, he took his best shot in
the dark anyway.
"Uhh - V?" Frank shrugged, and the accompanying eye roll he received from Pete
told Frank that he had missed spectacularly.
"Ugh..." Pete sighed, reaching for the remote before pausing the movie angrily.
"This movie is fucking amazing Frank - how can you not be into it?" Pete asked,
the genuine distress in his voice making Frank stifle a giggle, because it
seemed as if Pete would be crushed if Frank didn't end up enjoying this film,
as if he had spent his entire life producing it, instead of just stumbling
across it last week.
"I am - I'm sorry...I was just thinking," Frank apologized, mentally chastising
himself for letting Gerard take over his mind when he should have been focused
on spending time with Pete, he had already ignored his best friend enough for
one week after all.
"Just thinking..." Pete scoffed, turning his body toward Frank's suddenly.
"Frank - are you okay? Seriously, you have seemed really off lately, and I'm
trying not to be worried, but I am, and I just want to help - you know?" Pete
pleaded, and Frank sighed heavily, because having Pete ask him if he was okay
had the opposite effect of when Gerard did it, and Frank found himself growing
slightly defensive, instead of wanting to open up like he knew Pete wanted him
to.
"Nothing is wrong Pete, I just zoned out - okay?" Frank whined, trying to avoid
Pete's gaze so he wouldn't feel even worse than he already did, because - yes -
nothing was wrong, but Frank was hiding something, and he didn't want Pete to
see the truth in his eyes.
"Bullshit Frank - fucking bullshit. If you don't want to tell me, that's fine,
you can just say so," Pete sulked, leaving Frank fighting back another wave of
guilt as Pete turned his back angrily.
"Pete...it's not like that, Ipromise. I'm fine actually, better than I have
been in a long time." Frank placed his hand softy on Pete's back, trying to
ignore the way Pete attempted to shrug off his kind touch.
And Frank knew he had fucked himself here, and it was either tell Pete about
Gerard, or risk losing his best friend over a stupid secret that he didn't have
any reason for keeping, and really - the choice shouldn't have been a difficult
one at all, but Frank found himself biting his tongue, holding the treasure
that was Gerard to his chest for one moment longer before he revealed it to the
world.
"I - I'm seeing someone Pete," Frank mumbled softly, holding his breath as Pete
turned around with an incredulous look on his face, and Frank couldn't decipher
if Pete's expression was happy, or crushed, or anything in between.
"What...like a person - an actual person?" Pete asked curiously, his eyes
raking Frank up and down as if he would find proof of Frank's words somewhere
upon his person.
"No Pete, he's a fucking horse -of course he's a person...his name is Gerard,"
Frank ended on a whisper, as if Gerard's name was something precious that
needed to be voiced with care.
"Gerard...do I know him - how did you meet - can I meet him?" Pete began
bombarding Frank with questions, and Frank had to hold up both hands in a
gesture of surrender before Pete snapped his mouth closed and waited for Frank
to continue.
"Okay, first off - no, you don't know him, he only recently moved back to
Jersey, even though he was born here, and how we met is a long story,
basically, I dragged his high brother home, and he was there, and no - you
can't meet him," Frank huffed out, hoping that his pathetic explanation would
be enough for Pete to shut up and turn the movie back on, but Frank really
should had known Pete better by now.
"Wait - you what, and I - I have so many questions to ask I don't even know
where to start," Pete chuckled, angling his body toward Frank's with an eager
look on his face.
"Pete...I don't want this to turn into a interrogation - please. He's a cute
guy I met one night, and we fucked, and now we are something, not together -
not really, just a thing, that's all," Frank sighed, and really, all of that
was the truth, even though Gerard was so much more to Frank then that, he just
didn't know how to put it into words.
"When did this happen?" Pete fired off before Frank was even finished speaking.
"A week ago, last Tuesday actually."
"A week...what the hell Frank - why didn't you tell me sooner? This is why you
have been acting so off isn't it, because of this guy, is he upsetting you?"
Pete's face took on an angry cast, and even though Frank loved the fact that
Pete was so protective over him, he didn't expect Pete to immediately jump to
ill formed conclusions involving Gerard, and Frank found himself stammering
over his own words in an attempt to clear Gerard's name.
"No - fuck no, he's perfect Pete, like genuinely perfect, and he makes me
really happy, and I'm so sorry I have been distant lately, I have no excuse, I
just got caught up in him, but I won't do it again - I promise." Frank wrapped
his arm around his friend, hoping the physical affection would soften up Pete
more than his words.
"Oh...well that's great then, I just don't understand why you hid him from me,"
Pete mumbled against Frank's shoulder.
"I didn't do it on purpose, I just - I was scared to say anything at first in
case it ended, because I still don't understand what the fuck he sees in me,
but then...it just didn't seem like something I could type out in a text, and I
was going to tell you..." Frank shifted uncomfortably, unsure of how else to
explain the crazy mess that resided in his head, with Gerard at the center of
it of course.
"It's okay Frank...I just - it doesn't matter, I'm really happy for you okay?"
Frank peered down at Pete curiously, because Pete sounded anything but happy,
but he was smiling up at Frank when their eyes met, and Pete was probably just
upset about not being told the second this happened. Frank knew he had some
making up to do, so he brushed it off; calling Pete out on his tone wouldn't be
helpful in the slightest, and Frank was content with the fact that Pete wasn't
pushing Frank away from the embracing he was holding Pete in.
"Are you sure I can't meet him?" Pete mumbled sullenly a few minutes later.
"No Pete - that's just weird, we aren't even really dating, or whatever..."
Frank chuckled, trying to lessen the sting of his rejection with a laugh.
"Well why aren't you together - it sort of sounds like you are, maybe you
should ask him where you guys stand...or something like that?"
"Because he's an adult Pete, and this isn't like a high school relationship,
and I don't want to go all'so are we official' on him - I barely known the guy
yet," Frank tried to explain, because really, he felt stupid even thinking of
having that conversation with Gerard, he wasn't even sure if that's how things
went when you got older - hell - Frank honestly didn't know the first thing
about relationships, and Gerard was the last person he wanted to make aware of
that fact.
"Oh - okay," Pete sighed, staying silent after that for a few moments before he
spoke again. "So...I know you don't like a lot of questions, but I have to ask
this one...how old is he? I know most of your hookups are borderline ancient,"
Pete giggled quietly, sitting up so he could grab another slice of pizza before
turning back to Frank was an inquisitive stare.
"Fuck you Pete - they aren't that old, and Gerard, he's twenty-six," Frank
admitted, but Pete did have a point, and Frank had hooked up with men twice
Gerard's age, so Pete's curiosity was validated.
"And he's okay with the fact that you are still technically a minor?"
"Uh - he doesn't actually know, he thinks I'm nineteen." Frank tried to act
casual, shrugging slightly as his insides twisted uncomfortably, because
voicing his lie aloud made it all the more real, and Frank didn't want to face
his mistakes, not yet anyway.
"Do I even need to point out how stupid of an idea that was, because it was
really fucking stupid," Pete scoffed, his eyebrows scrunched down in an
expression of disbelief.
"It doesn't matter Pete, because he's never going to find out, and it's not
like we are together, or in love, oranything like that. We are just fucking,
and we enjoy each other's company, so he doesn't need to know my age," Frank
retorted, perhaps a bit harsher than he had originally intended to, but he was
done with this conversation, and he needed to make sure that Pete understood
that as well.
"Okay...but what happens when he does fall in love with you, because honestly
Frank - he will, unless he's crazy, or you will, and it will be a mess, and you
know that," Pete argued back, but his tone was soft, soothing almost, because
Pete knew he was walking a fine line, and Frank could snap at any moment.
"It won't Pete, or he won't at least, because he is so far out of my league,
and okay - maybe I could see myself falling for him one day, but even if I do,
it won't matter..." Frank exhaled heavily, not willingly to explain any more,
but he knew that Pete understood what Frank was trying and failing to voice.
"Frank - I hate when you do this, because peoplecan love you - okay, and you
deserve love, more than anyone, and I don't know this Gerard, but he likes you,
and if you let him in, he could love you one day...I just wish you could see
how amazing you are," Pete trailed off awkwardly, his gaze fixed on the paused
movie instead of at Frank.
"I want to believe you Pete - I do, but I can't. Even if someone loved me, I
would only bring them down, and I can't get my hopes up - okay...I just want to
enjoy whatever we have while it lasts, so please stop," Frank whispered, trying
to curl in on himself as if that would stop his fears from rising to the
surface, even though they had already awoken and were swimming around inside of
his stomach lazily.
"I'm sorry Frank, I didn't mean to make you upset...it's just - I've never
heard you talk this way about a guy before, and I don't want you to get hurt,
but now I've fucked up, and I'm so fucking sorry." Pete did sound truly sorry,
and it wasn't Pete's fault that Frank was so fucked up, so he leaned into
Pete's side gently, trying to use his touch to let his friend know that
everything was okay, even though itwasn't, but Frank refused to show how much
Pete's words had shaken him.
This was why Frank hadn't wanted to talk about Gerard, because Pete's insights
had Frank terrified of everything again, and he didn't want to question
Gerard's intentions, or how they might feel about each other in a few weeks, or
months, or whatever, because it didn't help anything, and it only made Frank
even more apprehensive and nervous then he already was naturally.
It had been only last night when Frank had been perfectly content living in the
moment, but now that was all shattered thanks to a few words, and Frank both
loved and hated how Pete knew him so well, because even though he needed to
face the harsh reality of his situation, he didn't want to, but Pete stripped
everything away; he ruined the perfect illusion that being with Gerard conjured
in Frank's mind, and Frank wanted that back, no matter how false it was.
Frank knew he had fucked up this relationship with Gerard from the start, but
now that he was reminded of it, he couldn't help but regret his lie, but it's
not like telling the truth would have done any good; Gerard would have simply
thrown Frank out his front door without a second glance, and Frank couldn't
live with that - he just couldn't.
But Gerard had said that age was just a number, and maybe he meant it, because
Frank may not know Gerard very well, but he didn't seem like the sort of person
to spout words without any true belief in them, and Frank would be eighteen in
a few months. He would tell him then, Frank decided, because if Gerard still
wanted Frank in his life by that point, he deserved the truth, but only time
would tell if this would last long enough for Frank to let Gerard in.
"It's okay Pete, I'll tell him eventually...just not right now," Frank smiled
softly, a genuine smile, because even though looking ahead was terrifying,
imagining a future with Gerard in it was anything but, and maybe Pete was
right, maybe this was something, and maybe one day, this could turn into a real
relationship - into love even, and for once, Frank wanted to look at all the
things that could go right, instead of everything that most likely would go
wrong.
***** Bert McCracken Is Always Right - Never Doubt The Wisdom Of Bert *****
Gerard found himself walking down the street at just a little after noon, which
was a rare occurrence for the borderline recluse, because even though hedid
leave the house at some point, that was usually only for cigarettes and booze,
and half of the time, Gerard managed to convince Mikey to procure those item
for him, so it wasn't every day that Gerard willingly emerged from his
apartment without a very good reason.
Gerard did have some motivation for his impromptu journey though, which came in
the form of Bert, who seemed determined to make sure that Gerard experienced
the outside world at least once a month, and after Gerard had turned him down
on his invitation for drinks the other week, Gerard knew it was only a matter
of time before Bert attempted to see Gerard again, so he had been expecting the
phone call he received this morning asking him to meet up.
And even though Gerard usually avoided things like this, because he hated going
out, not to mention walking, he was pleasantly surprised with how much he was
enjoying himself at the moment, and he did feel guilty for putting Bert off for
so long, and he really had no excuse or reason to cancel on him today, not with
Frank busy with something until later in the evening.
It helped that the weather was perfect; one of those days where the sky was
overcast, but not quite gloomy, and the sun peeked through the clouds every now
and then, providing just enough light to illuminate the dingy streets, but also
the perfect amount of shadows to make them appear much more beautiful than they
actually were, casting a sense of ethereal wonder to the small city that
enraptured Gerard completely.
The cracked pavement beneath Gerard's feet guided his steps as his head craned
around, taking in the sights that rarely graced his eyes, because even though
Gerard had moved back here almost two months ago, he had never bothered to
explore the area around his apartment, knowing where the closest bar and corner
store was good enough for him, and if he ventured anywhere else, he typically
drove, but for some reason, walking had seemed much more appealing today.
Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had done this, walked just for the
pleasure of it, with no reason to hurry or panic, taking in the ordinary sights
that had somehow become extraordinary, and Gerard made a mental note to himself
to indulge in this more often, because it was as if his forward motion was
stripping all of his demons away, the heavy aura that usually clouded his
thoughts getting tangled in his steps before sloughing off of him like an
unwanted skin, and maybe if Gerard kept walking for long enough, everything
would beokay again, or maybe not, but it didn't hurt to try.
This area was different to where Gerard had grown up, but similar all at the
same time; the same seedy alleys threaded in-between houses in all states from
rundown to brand new, more apartment buildings than his old neighborhood had
possessed, more shops, but less people, as if everyone had somewhere to be, and
they couldn't waste their time ambling down the streets, or maybe Gerard had
just gotten lucky, and he had picked the rare hour in which this neighborhood
saw some form of peace.
Gerard almost didn't want this walk to end, because he was truly enjoying this
solitude, not only from his surroundings, but from his mind, because for once,
it had shut up for a short time, and he was more than content gazing at the dry
trees and stubborn weeds, without any memories assaulting him, because this
place was new, and he held no association to any of this. It was pure, and
untouched, at least to Gerard, and even though he had moved back home to face
his past, he wasn't prepared for that just yet, which is why he had chosen an
area far removed from his childhood haunts.
Gerard couldn't explain to himself why he had returned to Jersey after
everything fell apart, because it wasn't a happy place for him, or at least, it
hadn't been, but in the end, Gerard didn't know where else to go, and at least
Bert was here, and Ray had decided to move back as well, and Gerard wasn't
brave enough to make a completely new start in another city, another state, not
yet anyway.
Gerard hadn't informed his parents of his homecoming, not that he spoke to them
on a daily basis - or ever, but it felt strange being in such close proximity
to them; a twenty minute drive would have him outside of their front door, but
Gerard would never make that journey - why would he? He had burned down that
bridge a long time ago, or his parents had, but either way, it didn't matter,
because he hadn't come back home for them, that was for certain.
Gerard had reached the coffee shop Bert had suggested they meet at by this
point, so he brushed away all thoughts of the past for now; he could see Bert
already seated at a small booth through the clean glass windows - he was always
early to everything, especially anything to do with Gerard, as if he was afraid
that Gerard would leave if he wasn't there first, which had happened once or
twice in the past, so it wasn't as if Bert's habit had no reasoning behind it,
but Gerard didn't have any plans of slipping out today.
Sometimes Gerard wondered why Bert continued to put up with him, because Gerard
was well aware that he was a shitty friend, and he didn't make it easy for Bert
to stick by him, or anyone really, but he and Bert had history, they had the
horrors of high school bonding them together, and theirs was the one friendship
that hadn't died out after Gerard had graduated, and even if Gerard didn't show
it, he was secretly grateful for Bert's continued persistence to be a part of
his life, because without him, he would have no one but Mikey.
Bert spotted Gerard as he pushed open the heavy door leading into the air
condition shop, and with a wave and a gesture, Bert beckoned him over, pointing
to the two cups gracing the faded oak table in front of him, and Gerard
couldn't help but smile when he realized that Bert had already ordered for him,
saving him the trouble of doing it himself.
"Hey," Gerard greeted his longtime friend as he plopped into the booth
gratefully, brushing his hair out of his face as he did so.
"I wasn't sure if you were going to show," Bert chuckled, his blue grey eyes
crinkling at the corners as he grinned.
"I would have texted you if I wasn't," Gerard shrugged, pulling his styrofoam
cup of coffee closer to his side of the table, inhaling the wisps of steam
rising from it gratefully.
"I know, but you were late, and after last time..." Bert trailed off, taking a
sip of his own beverage instead of finishing his sentence.
"Late?" Gerard glanced to the rounded clock hanging on the wall, seeing that it
was in fact almost forty-five minutes past the time of their agreed meet up.
"Oh - I'm sorry, I decided to walk, and I got distracted, but I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to keep you waiting."
"It's okay," Bert assured his friend, and Gerard shrugged off the slight
feeling of guilt that had settled onto his shoulders, because he had tried to
be on time, and Bert didn't seem to care, but Gerard still felt bad. "So...how
are you holding up, I got worried when I didn't hear from you for a while, and
I know it's been two years now since Elena's death..."
"I -I'm okay, I'mcoping at least, I don't know..." Gerard mumbled weakly. "How
are you?" Gerard asked, trying to turn the subject away from his grandmother's
death before the sorrow that constantly lurked at the back of his mind evolved
into something he couldn't handle.
Bert instantly launched into a tirade about his job, sensing Gerard's unease
and doing his best to dissipate it with small talk; he worked as a computer
programmer for some company that Gerard couldn't recall the name of, and even
though Bert really did love what he did, he worked with a bunch of idiots, and
Bert seemed to spend half of the time fixing their mistakes instead of doing
any of his own work, and Gerard had no idea how he hadn't quit yet.
"What about you, your job starts in about a week right?" Bert questioned once
he had wrapped up his story about how his coworker had deleted half of the
files off the main computer, and Bert had spent two days recovering all of
them.
"It does..." Gerard sighed, his expression growing gloomy as he realized that
his days of freedom were almost at an end, but he needed to make money somehow;
the funds from the band days wouldn't last forever, and with Mikey stubbornly
refusing to find employment, Gerard had to step up sometime.
"Hey - don't look so sad, I think this will be good for you. It's not the same
as...well - you know," Bert tactically avoided saying the band, because he knew
Gerard wouldn't take kindly to that, "but you will be still be involved in
music in a way, just teaching it instead of making it, and I am sure you will
love it."
"Oh yeah, trying to get a bunch of high school kids to give a shit about music
theory is a dream come true," Gerard scoffed, shuddering slightly as he
imagined himself trying to control a classroom of unruly adolescents, but that
was about to become his reality very soon, so he needed to get used to the
idea.
"Well...at least it is a private school - those kids seem to care more
sometimes, and it's an elective too, so they wouldn't have signed up for it if
they weren't at least slightly interested in music." Bert's reasoning did make
sense, but it didn't make Gerard feel any better. He wasn't ready for this, not
in the slightest, and even though he had his teaching degree, he didn't have
any classroom experience, so he was clueless about what to expect.
"Maybe...I hope so, but in the end, it's just a job, and even if I hate it, I
should be okay." Gerard was trying to stay positive today after all, and he
really didn't want to talk about his job any longer, and Bert seemed to catch
onto that, he was an expert at reading Gerard's moods, and he always knew just
when to change the subject.
"So...anything else new in your life?" The sly way Bert asked the question had
Gerard fighting down a sudden blush, because his mind instantly jumped to Frank
of course; Frank was the best thing in his life right now, and he realized that
he hadn't yet informed Bert about his newfound relationship - if it could even
be called that yet, but Gerard liked to think of it that way.
"Well...there is a guy," Gerard chuckled, gazing down into his coffee cup
instead of at his friend, hoping to hide his red cheeks and dreamy eyes.
"Oh my god - really, tell me everything," Bert exclaimed, sounding like the
epitome of a teenage white girl squealing over her best friend's crush, all the
scene needed was some obnoxious hand waving and their coffee cups to be from
Starbucks, but Gerard hadn't been with anyone in ages, not properly, and Bert
was constantly trying to set him up, with terrible results, so his enthusiasm
was understandable.
"Yeah, his name's Frank, and he's amazing, I don't even know how to explain
him. He's just...perfect, and I really like him."
"I need more details then that Gee," Bert rolled his eyes, leaving Gerard to
wrack his brain for some interesting facts about Frank, and he was forced to
come to the conclusion that he didn't know hardly anything concrete about
Frank, not that it mattered, but Gerard was left at a loss for what to say.
"Well...he's nineteen, and he works at a restaurant - we met because of Mikey
actually, he dragged him home when he found him high off his ass at a bar one
night - he's sweet like that, and we just clicked, and he makes me feel good
about myself, and I want to be around him all of the time."
"Nineteen...that's pretty young Gee," Bert stated in a worried tone of voice,
not that Gerard was surprised; he knew their age gap was large, but he didn't
really give a shit, because he liked Frank, and Frank liked him, so why should
anything else matter.
"It'slegal, and he seems older than he is; he's been through a lot, I don't
know what, but it's made him grow up really fast, and he's just different, he's
special...I don't know how else to explain it."
"How long have you been seeing him?" Bert asked, trying to hold back the
chuckle that was currently rising in his throat as he watched Gerard's face
take on a love struck cast when he talked about Frank.
"Two weeks now, at least, I think so; time has been weird for me lately, but
he's been over almost every day, so it seems like longer in my head sometimes,"
Gerard tried to explain, because it really did feel as if he had known Frank
for ages, even though he knew most people would consider them barely more than
acquaintances - well...acquaintances that fucked a hell of a lot. 
"So is this just a casual thing, or are you two getting serious already?" Bert
continued to pry, and for once, he had managed to find a topic that Gerard
didn't mind talking about, because he could gush about Frank for hours and
never get bored, even though this particular query had Gerard racking his brain
for an answer.
"I - I don't know yet, but I want it to be something, and I think he does too -
fuck Bert - you should see the way he looks at me sometimes when he thinks I'm
not paying attention; it's like...I'm the most fascinating thing he has ever
seen, or something like that, and he literally hangs on to my every word, even
when I'm just rambling about nothing, and it is sort of weird that someone
finds me so interesting, but I like it, and I like him...it's hard to explain,
but I don't think he's just fucking around with me."
"Are you sure though, like - have you asked him if you are exclusive, or
whatever you want to be, because if you haven't, he might be getting the wrong
idea of what this means to you," Bert pressed, and even though Gerard knew his
friend was just trying to be helpful, he didn't want to think of Frank in a
negative light, and he found himself instantly jumping to Frank's defense.
"He's not a dick Bert, and it's not like all we do is fuck - we talk too, and
watch movies, and cuddle, like a proper couple, like boyfriends, or whatever,"
Gerard huffed, because even though he didn't actually like the term
"boyfriends", it just seemed too cliché a title for two people who enjoyed each
other's company, and he hadn't labeled anyone as such since high school, he
wouldn't mind being able to call Frank his.
"How long did it take for you guys to start having sex?" Bert asked, one
eyebrow arched in a knowing manner.
"Why does that matter Bert?" Gerard shot back, crossing his arms across his
chest sullenly, as if the simple gesture could protect him from Bert's never
ending questions, even though his adverse reaction was more of an answer than
any words, and he knew Bert already knew that it hadn't been long at all.
"Because it does Gee, and you know it, just like you know I'm not trying to
hurt you - fuck - I'm trying to protect you from getting hurt, and I don't want
this to be Colton all over again," Bert sighed heavily, an earnest expression
plastered across his face, and Gerard knew that his friend was only looking out
for his best interests, no matter how much Gerard didn't think he needed
looking out for.
But Bert had good reasoning for his protective behavior, because he had been
left to deal with the pieces of Gerard after Colton had broken his heart -
actually - he had destroyed it completely, and even though so much of the
aftermath of that relationship was a blur of alcohol and drugs to Gerard, he
knew it had been messy, and Gerard had been left a shell of what he once was,
and if it wasn't for Bert, he would never have been able to glue himself back
together again, and even with his help, Gerard hadn't been able to reconstruct
himself perfectly.
Colton had been his first boyfriend - or so Gerard thought; a blonde haired,
green eyed senior that Gerard had been crushing on for years, and when he
finally asked Gerard out on a date, Gerard couldn't believe his luck, because
someone like Colton should never have looked twice at the chunky, greasy, black
clad lump that had been teenage Gerard Way, but he had, and Gerard had been too
naive to even consider the possibility that this might have been too good to be
true.
It was all a set up though, an elaborate, cruel bet made up by Colton's
friends, because whoever could claim Gerard Way's virginity, as well as break
his heart in the process, would win the game, orwhatever the fuck it was, and
Gerard was left clueless to the fact that he was only a pawn in Colton's
twisted scheme, and without thinking twice, Gerard gave his everything to the
gorgeous boy that Gerard was so convinced truly loved him.
Gerard had always fallen hard, even back then, and Colton was no exception, so
within a month, Gerard was convinced that he had found his soul mate, that
Colton was the one, and he was ready to cement his feelings with the intimate
act of sex. It had been amazing, and painful, and not entirely what Gerard
thought his first time would be like, but he didn't care, because it was
withColton, and Gerard had fallen asleep that night with thoughts of the future
and a small smile tugging on his swollen lips.
But the next morning dawned, and Colton seemed to have disappeared off the face
of the earth, and even though Gerard attempted to be patient, and he tried to
wait for Colton to reach out to him, after two days of ignored text messages
and phone calls ending in voicemails, Gerard worked up the courage to go over
to his house and find out why the love of his life was mysteriously absent.
Gerard had a dozen theories as to why Colton was being distant, ranging from a
simple cold that was keeping him bedridden to Gerard being a terrible lay, and
everything in between, but never in his wildest imaginings had Gerard expected
to find Colton healthy and active, laughing and joking with his friends when
Gerard tentatively pushed open the door to his home, which was always left
unlocked during the day for some odd reason.
Gerard couldn't really remember the exact sequence of events that followed, all
he recalled was the cruel laughter, the taunts from Colton's friends as he
explained that he never loved Gerard, and it had all been a prank, or a bet -
Gerard was still fuzzy on the exact details, and it didn't matter anyway, all
that mattered was the heartbreak, the agony the overtook Gerard's chest as he
staggered under the weight of the truth, his eyes begging Colton to take
everything back, but even though Colton's face carried an expression of
remorse, he didn't try and stop Gerard when he bolted from the house - in fact,
he never spoke to Gerard again after that day.
Gerard would like to say that Colton's betrayal had been the event that set him
on this path to madness he currently trod every waking moment of his life, but
itwasn't, Gerard had always been just a bit fucked up, but this multiplied it,
manifesting itself in razor blades, and too many pills, and copious amounts of
alcohol, anything Gerard could find to numb the pain in his heart and the
screaming in his head.
And even though Gerard knew he was probably overacting, and no high school
sweetheart deserved to have this much power over him, that was just how Gerard
was programmed, because he didn't find any worth in himself, so he searched for
it in other people, in love, in friends, in sex, because he had nothing to give
to himself, and if it hadn't been for Bert, Gerard Way may not have lived to
graduate high school.
But Bert cared, he always had, and Gerard was beginning to believe that he
always would. Bert had helped Gerard piece himself back together again, he had
watched over him through the nights where Gerard didn't think he could stand to
see another sunrise, he had filled Gerard with words of hope, with empty
promises of someone else, someone better, and eventually, Gerard had managed to
move on.
But he was no longer the young innocent boy of before, Gerard was calloused
now, scarred and bruised, but hopefully smarter, and much less gullible, and
Gerard had never again given his heart to another person, he hadn't even tried,
and he was better of this way, at least, Gerard told himself he was, but then
Frank had come into his life, and his presence was making Gerard rethink
everything.
"You're right, I'm sorry, but Frank isn't like him, I know that, and yes - he
might end up hurting me, but he's worth the risk, he's worth a hell of a lot,"
Gerard finally replied, shaking his head slightly to remove all lingering
traces of Colton from his mind.
"Okay...but Gee, I think you should talk to him, get to know him better, see if
he wants you as more than just a fuck buddy, because you deserve someone who
loves you, and who wants to be there for you, and if Frank is that person, then
you need to open up to him - not all the way, but just a bit, because if you
don't, you might lose him, and I can already tell you don't want that to
happen."
Bert was right of course, he was always right, especially when it came to
relationships, because Gerard was pretty much clueless about how to maintain
one; after Colton, he had mostly partaken in a string of fuck buddies, people
he would call when he needed to get off, but no one that he wanted to actually
spend any substantial amount of time with, no one who made him long for more,
no one like Frank, and once the band had started, Gerard didn't have any time
to think about his love life, not with the writing, and the recording, and the
touring, but now that was all in the past, and even though Gerard had no idea
what the fuck he was doing anymore, he knew that he wanted Frank in his future.
"Yeah...you are right, I will take him out soon, ask him out properly, or
whatever I'm supposed to do," Gerard agreed, his heart fluttering in his chest
as he imagined being able to claim Frank as his own, to know that his hands
were the only ones to touch him, because Gerard wasn't stupid, and he wouldn't
be surprised if Frank was seeing other guys, but he didn't want that - he
wanted Frank all to himself, and hopefully Frank felt the same way.
"You are really falling for him aren't you?" Bert murmured softly, peering at
Gerard over the rim of his coffee cup with knowing eyes and a barely concealed
grin.
"I - I am, and I'm so scared, and I know he's not going to want me when he
finds out how fucked up I really am, but I don't even care - I just want to be
with him as long as he will have me," Gerard sighed, because no matter how
perfect Frank was, there was no way he was going to stick around once he saw
Gerard's scars, or experienced one his episodes, but that hadn't happened yet,
and Gerard was going to try his dammed hardest to make sure it never did.
"Gee...don't say that - okay? If Frank really cares about you, none of that
will matter, but you have to give him a chance, you have to let him in, and
maybe he will surprise you." Gerard scoffed quietly, because even though he
wanted to believe Bert's words - he couldn't, because they were lies.
Sure - Bert didn't care about Gerard's faults, and Mikey didn't, but they had
known him for ages, and they weren't romantically involved with him, so it was
different, and Gerard couldn't see anyone accepting him for who he truly was,
because Gerard couldn't even do that, and he had to live with himself every
day, so it was crazy to think that Frank ever could.
"No one is that understanding, Mikey doesn't even know what to do with me half
of the time, and I can't expect Frank to," Gerard muttered, his fingers tapping
against the table nervously, but Gerard quickly stilled them when he recognized
the tune he was beating out, and old songs from his days in My Chem was
definitely not what this moment needed.
"But you don't know that Gee, and hiding it all away will only make it worse in
the end. I know this is hard for you, and I know you don't like showing people
the real you, but fuck - I haven't seen you like this since Colton, and that
means Frank must really be something special, and even though I don't know him
- you do, and you are really smitten with him, and if he's stuck around this
long, I'm sure he has already caught on to certain things, and he hasn't bolted
yet, so I don't think you should make any assumptions just yet."
Gerard pondered Bert's words as he drained the rest of his coffee in one go,
because sticking with the theme of the day, Bert seemed to be proven right more
often than not, and he was correct to say that Frank most likely had noticed
some of Gerard's oddities, even though Frank hadn't remarked on them, so even
though Gerard's first instinct was to brush off Bert's words as a friendly
attempt at comforting him, Gerard had learned that doubting Bert usually ended
badly.
Gerard hadn't really considered the possibility of Frank wanting Gerard once
the truth came out, but in some ways, Gerard wasn't trying to maintain his
relatively normal image as much as before; he hadn't been as avid about hiding
his scars lately, and Frank had been in his bathroom, which contained the pills
that Gerard neglected to take more often than he should, not to mention he
seemed to be able to sense when Gerard was close to breaking down, and he
always quickly steered Gerard's attention away from whatever was bothering him
that day, and even though that could all be just a coincidence, maybe it
wasn't.
Maybe Frank knew a bit more than he let on, maybe he had an inkling about what
went on inside of Gerard's screwed up brain, and even though Frank was perfect
to Gerard, he was also a little bit fucked up too, and even though Gerard
didn't know why, the fact remained that Frank's life wasn't a happy one, and he
had some hidden demons too, so maybe Gerard's wouldn't scare him away, maybe he
would find solace in another suffering soul, maybe two broken halves could make
a whole, and maybe they did have a chance after all.
***** In Which Frank OD's On Joy And Brendon Thinks Mikey Keeps Sex Slaves
*****
"Where are you taking me Gerard?" Frank huffed, the irritation lacing his voice
almost completely faked, because Frank would let Gerard drag him into Hell
without any protest, but Gerard's secretive nature had him slightly on edge,
and Frank's hatred of surprises was causing him to fidget nervously in his seat
as Gerard drove them away from the more populated area of town.
Frank wasn't opposed to being whisked away by Gerard with no idea of his
destination, this just wasn't typical Gerard behavior, not that anything Gerard
did could ever be considered typical by normal standards, but this random car
ride was definitely a first; usually they spent their time in Gerard's
apartment, and even if Gerard was taking him out to eat, or something like
that, he was heading in the wrong direction, leaving the civilized area of
Belleville behind in favor of the suburbs. There wasn't much to do out there
that Frank knew of, and he didn't understand why Gerard was so adamant on
keeping wherever they were going a secret.
"Be patient, we are almost there now," Gerard assured Frank, a coy smile
plastered across his lips as he glanced at Frank out of the corner of his eye
before turning his attention back to the road unfolding in front of him, the
headlights cutting a swath of light across the otherwise shadowy street.
Frank sighed heavily, crossing his arms to keep up his frustrated appearance,
even though inside he was a mess of excitement and nerves, because Frank may
detest being left in the dark, but Gerard's excitement was rubbing off on him,
and just being in Gerard's presence was enough to put Frank in a good mood,
especially since it had been a couple of days since he had last seen him thanks
to Frank's job needing him to work more hours before school started, not to
mention Gerard had seemed busier than usual lately; Frank wasn't sure if he was
working as well, or even what he did for a living for that matter.
Frank had been trying to give Gerard some space tonight, refusing to reach out
to him unless Gerard did first, because they had been spending an inordinate
amount of time together lately - minus the past few days, and the nagging fear
that Gerard would quickly tire of Frank had been unusually strong this evening,
causing him to deviate from his usual pattern of heading to Gerard's after
work, turning his footsteps to the bar instead.
Frank hadn't been planning on going for a hookup, he had no interest in anyone
else, hell - he hadn't even fooled around with Pete lately, because Gerard was
all he could ever want and more, so for the first time in ages, Frank went to
the pub to simply drink, and also to catch up with Brendon and Ryan, because
even if they weren't technically his friends, he had missed them, and they had
apparently missed him as well, if the smiles that graced their faces when Frank
walked in the door were any indication.
Brendon instantly ducked around the bar, pulling Frank into a friendly hug,
which Frank accepted with a slight chuckle, fending off Ryan's questions about
his health, because apparently Ryan's theory for his sudden disappearance had
been a deadly illness - the man always had a flair for the dramatics, not that
Brendon's hypothesis was much better, he assumed that Mikey had kidnapped him
and kept him as a sex slave, which had Frank choking on his drink as he laughed
uproariously.
But after a few minutes, Frank managed to reassure them that he was just fine,
better than ever actually, which of course caught their attention, because
Frank was very rarely happy when he came into their establishment, but there
was a first time for everything, and Frank found himself recounting all the
events that had happened to him since the last time he had seen the two men,
from taking Mikey home to his budding relationship with Gerard.
Brendon was ecstatic to hear that Frank had finally found someone, and he
demanded that Frank spill every detail about him, from his looks to how he
treated Frank, and the entire time Frank was talking, a wide grin split his
face, the corners of his lips actually aching toward the end of his spiel, his
muscles unused to holding that expression for long periods of time.
Brendon and Ryan listened attentively the entire way through, Ryan even
squealing at some points during Frank's explanation, which caused Brendon to
shoot him a loving look, his arm snaking around his boyfriend absentmindedly,
and for once, there was no accompanying pang of jealously in Frank's heart at
their affectionate actions, now it only brought up memories of Gerard, and even
if he and Frank weren't in a relationship like Brendon and Ryan, Frank hoped
they would be someday soon, his heart beating faster in his chest as he
imagined himself being as happy with Gerard as Brendon was with Ryan sometime
in the near future.
And as if Gerard could sense when Frank was thinking of him, Frank's phone went
off just then, and he saw a new text from Gerard, asking him where he was and
if he had any plans for the evening, which Frank replied to with his location,
his blood thrumming in his veins when Gerard immediately responded, saying he
was on his way to pick Frank up.
Frank decided to wait for Gerard outside, polishing off his drink and saying
his goodbyes to Brendon and Ryan, because even though he would love for them to
meet Gerard, he knew that Brendon and Ryan would keep him here for ages once
they had him in their clutches, as well as potentially embarrass Frank in the
process, so Frank decided to avoid that situation entirely, leaving it for
later on when he was more comfortable with whatever he and Gerard had, and he
wouldn't have to be worried about his friends scaring Gerard off with
information that he didn't need to know just yet, not that Brendon and Ryan
would expose Frank's secrets without his permission, but better safe than
sorry, especially where Gerard was involved.
Gerard hadn't explained where he was taking Frank, simply saying that it was a
special place, and really, Frank just wanted to know, because his mind had
bounced between every possibility imaginable, from a moonlight picnic to a
strip club, and Gerard was still refusing to tell him, but they had been
driving for quite some time now, so hopefully Frank would find out in the next
few minutes.
Gerard stopped the car suddenly, cutting off the engine with a turn of the
keys, leaving Frank to wonder where the fuck they were, because as far as he
could tell, they had pulled off on the edge of a deserted side street, and
there was nothing around here for miles besides a small patch of wilderness.
"Come on Frankie, it's not much farther," Gerard nudged Frank lightly with his
leg when Frank didn't move, opening his door slowly as he waited for Frank to
do the same.
Frank shook his head groggily, his muscles tensing up at the unexpected use of
that hated nickname; Gerard had never called him anything besides for Frank
before, and of course, he had no idea about Frank's aversion for that
particularly term, but as much as Frank wanted to snap at him, or at least make
it perfectly clear that he did not enjoy being referred to as "Frankie", it
didn't hurt as much as when his mother did it, and Frank found himself biting
him tongue as he exited the car.
He wasn't sure why he didn't say anything, and he highly doubted Gerard would
be upset, but in a way, Frank almost liked the way the word had sounded falling
from Gerard lips, the affectionate lilt he had given to it, and just the fact
that Gerard had used an endearment on him at all was a positive sign, a sign
that maybe Gerard was feeling more emotions toward him instead of just lust,
and maybe for once, being called Frankie wasn't a bad thing.
And perhaps his initial unpleasant reaction had just been instinctive, his mind
trained to instantly flinch away from the word that usually caused him so much
pain, but maybe it would be okay to have Gerard use that rare nickname, at
least for now. If it continued to bother him, Frank would ask Gerard to stop
later on, but Frank had a feeling it wouldn't, because this wasGerard after
all, and he could probably refer to Frank as a piece of shit and it wouldn't
phase him in the slightest, even though that mindset couldn't be healthy, but
Frank really didn't give a fuck.
Gerard laced his hand through Frank's as he began leading him deeper into the
forest, choosing the path with the least amount of obstacles so Frank wasn't in
danger of tripping and falling, which was a very real possibility due to the
fact that his eyes continued to be drawn back to Gerard's face instead of the
ground under his feet, but he just couldn't help himself.
The moon was bathing everything in a silvery glow, casting Gerard's pale face
in an ethereal light, magnifying his already beautiful features to such a point
that Frank almost had to look away, because surely no mortal could gaze upon
something as perfect as Gerard for too long without suffering some sort of
consequences.
Frank actually chuckled to himself at the ridiculous route his thoughts had
taken, but that was just what Gerard did to him, he scrambled his brain in the
best way possible, and even if Frank sounded like a poor excuse for a poet when
he tried to describe Gerard in his mind, no one else had to know, and Gerard
truly deserved to have sonnets written about him, if not an entire novel, at
least in Frank's biased opinion.
"What's so funny?" Gerard questioned, his eyebrows furrowing as he tried to
catch of glimpse of Frank's face without stopping their forward motion.
"Nothing - I'm justhappy," Frank smiled, leaning into Gerard's side slightly as
they descended down a small dip in the forest floor.
"Good - I really hope you like this place, it's very special to me, and it's
nothing much, just a place, but I wanted to bring you here because you are
special to me too," Gerard whispered softly, his voice blending in with the
wind flowing through the trees, making Frank have to press himself even closer
to Gerard's side so he could catch the end of his sentence, not that he minded
at all.
"I - I'm sure I'll love it," Frank stammered out, the fact that Gerard had
called him special causing his heart to pick up to a dangerous pace, his palms
sweaty slightly as they continued to stumble through the overgrown brush.
"I don't even like nature that much, but this place is worth the walk, I
promise."
Frank hummed in response, his voice failing him for the time being, so he
simply enjoyed the feeling of Gerard's hand in his as they continued to make
their way deeper into the forest, and even though a part of Frank recognized
this path, and if he was actually paying attention, he might have realized
where they were going, he was too wrapped up in Gerard to notice his
surroundings, so he was completely caught off guard when Gerard came to a
sudden stop on the edge of a natural clearing.
All of the pleasant feelings Frank had been previously experiencing flew out of
his head when their current location soaked into his Gerard clouded brain,
because his wasn't just any spot, this wasFrank's spot - his and his father's
that is, and Frank hadn't set foot here since his father had disappeared from
his life, he couldn't, because he wasn't strong enough to face the memories
that lingered here, the happy moments that were now only a thing of the past.
But now they were all tumbling back, all of the afternoons Frank had spent here
with his father, learning about nature, trying to catch the few fish that
somehow ended up in the small pond on the edge of the clearing, simply doing
nothing at all; this had been their secret spot, the place they only went with
each other, and being in this meadow was akin to staring at a picture of his
father, because he resided in every blade of grass, his presence emitting off
the trees as if he had never left.
Coming back here hurt - fuck - it hurt more than Frank had ever imagined it
would, because these were the things that he did his best to lock away, burying
these thoughts deep in his mind so they no longer had the power to hurt him,
but now they were springing free all at once, the lock on the small cage Frank
had put them in hanging broken and useless, all because of Gerard.
And for one moment, Frank felt an intense rush of anger at Gerard, not only for
bringing him back to this place that he never wanted to see again, but for
simply knowing about it, because this place was supposed to be a secret, a spot
that only Frank and his father knew about; Gerard shouldn't be aware of its
existence at all, and his knowledge of it made the place seemed tainted,ruined
even.
And really, Frank knew he couldn't claim this place, because it wasn't as if it
was on his private property, it was just a beautiful clearing in the woods, and
anyone who traveled in this area could find it easily, but Frank wasn't
thinking rationally, and it was taking all of his mental concentration not to
bolt then and there, so he didn't have any brain cells left to try and reason
with himself.
"Frank?" Gerard's voice cut through Frank's internal panic, and even though
Frank thought he was furious at the man, the caring nature of his tone had
Frank reaching out to him blindly, his eyes squeezed shut as he grasped
Gerard's shirt in a desperate attempt to bring him closer, because this entire
situation may have been Gerard's fault, but Frank still wanted his comfort -
hell - he needed it, or else he was liable to fall apart at any moment.
"I - I -" Frank tried to speak, but his throat was clogged up with suppressed
sobs he wasn't even aware he had been holding back, his body shaking slightly
as he tried to deal with the unexpected rush of memories he had hoped to never
face again.
"Hey - shh, it's okay, I've got you," Gerard whispered soothingly, stroking
Frank's hair in a calming manner. "Can you tell me what's wrong?" Gerard asked
nervously, and Frank realized that this was the first time Gerard had ever
tried to understand the reasoning behind Frank's strange bouts of sorrow, and
Frank wasn't sure if that touched him or worried him, but he couldn't blame
Gerard for being curious, because Frank's behavior was worrisome at best,
absolutely insane at worst.
"Just...um, how did you find this place?" Frank asked, hoping that if he got
Gerard talking, he would be given enough time to compose himself, and maybe
then he could avoid explaining his strange reaction to what should be just a
random meadow.
"Well the first time I came here I was fourteen, I had run away from home for
the day, and I just had to get away. I used to live over that way," Gerard
gestured somewhere, but Frank's didn't move his head to follow the direction
his finger was pointing in, "and I got myself lost in the forest. I wandered
around for ages before I ended up here, and for some reason, I instantly felt
at peace as soon as I entered this clearing. It was just so beautiful, so
secluded; I stayed here for hours, crying my eyes out over whatever had upset
me. It became my escape when things got too much for me to handle, I swear I
spent half of my teenage years here," Gerard chuckled nervously, his hand
faltering slightly, his fingers tangling in Frank's dark locks.
Frank swallowed heavily, his eyes drying up as what Gerard told him began to
sink in, because this was the first time he had ever heard Gerard speak about
his past, and even if it was just a vague summary of his younger days, it was
still something, and not only that, Gerard had brought Frank here, to a place
that meant so much to him. Frank's earlier anger melted away completely,
instead, he felt touched, because Gerard was opening up to him, Gerard was
trying to bring them closer together, and that had to mean something - right?
"I used to come here too, a few years ago...with my dad," Frank choked out, the
words burning his tongue as he admitted them, but his chest felt significantly
lighter once he had gotten them out, even if it was only one small sentence, it
was something.
"Oh - oh Frank...I didn't know, I'm so sorry, do you want to leave?" Gerard
stammered out, his eyes widening in an almost comical manner, and Frank could
tell that he had misread the situation, not that his assumption wasn't
completely understandable, especially with how Frank was acting, but Frank knew
he had to correct Gerard before he lost his nerve entirely.
"No...I'm okay - and he's not dead or anything, just gone, and I haven't been
back here since, but maybe this is a good thing, maybe I can make new memories
with you," Frank's statement ended as more of a question than anything else,
but he needed Gerard to assure him right now, because he was scared,
vulnerable, and alone as he opened up to someone for the first time in ages.
"I haven't brought anyone here either...not even Mikey," Gerard spoke up after
a few moments of silence, his hand falling from Frank's hair to graze his cheek
gently.
"Really - why not?" Frank asked curiously, his head tilting toward the side as
he watched Gerard worry his lower lip in-between his teeth.
"Because, this was always my place to get away, to hide from the world, but I
never want to hide from you, I want you to hide with me, and I could tell you
needed a safe haven too, I just had no idea you had already found it first."
With Gerard's words ringing in his ears, Frank stepped back from Gerard's hold
slightly, letting his eyes dance over the clearing that had once been so
familiar to him, and even with all the time that had passed, he still recalled
every detail almost perfectly.
Forcing away the memories of his father, Frank made himself truly look at this
place, taking in the dip in the ground which was the perfect spot to curl up in
the soft grass, watching the moonlight dance across the surface of the small
pond, the water running low because of the lack of rain lately, taking in the
summer flowers that dotted the area haphazardly, and finally, turning slightly
so that Gerard was in the picture, adding him to the scenery in his mind, and
Frank couldn't deny that he seemed to fit here, even though Frank had never
imagined anyone except his father standing by his side in this spot, but this
felt right somehow, and maybe, just maybe, Gerard could help Frank make this
meadow something else besides for a painful memory, something better.
"I want to make this our place."
---------------------------------------------
Frank found himself curled up on the ground, his head resting on Gerard's chest
as he gazed up at the few stars that were visibly in the dark sky while Gerard
tried his best to name them all, apparently he was very interested in
astronomy, which was another new fact that Frank had learned about Gerard
tonight, and he had never felt closer to anyone then he did right now, with
Gerard's arm wrapped around his chest and their hands still clasped tightly
together.
"What's your favorite color?" Gerard asked randomly, and Frank had to suppress
a quiet giggle, because only Gerard could jump from one topic to another so
quickly and think it was totally normal, but that was just one of things Frank
adored about him.
"Hmm...it's hard to pick, but honestly, I think it's gold. I love the sheen of
it, the way it can be tarnished and hidden, but still beautiful underneath, but
I especially love when I see it in nature, like...certain flowers, or when the
sun is setting and everything is covered with a golden glow," Frank answered
truthfully, his eyes falling shut as Gerard began massaging his hair once
again, and fuck - Frank could really get used to more nights like this.
"I didn't expect you to like gold for some reason, but it fits now that I think
about it," Gerard murmured softly, and Frank could hear more than see the smile
on his face.
"What about you?" Frank turned Gerard's question around, still slightly
confused about why Gerard had asked, but he had learned over the past few weeks
that it was pointless to try to find a reasoning behind everything Gerard did,
even though Frank knew he did have one, it just escaped Frank's grasp ninety-
nine percent of the time.
"It changes constantly, but ironically enough, it's silver at the moment,"
Gerard spoke up after a few moments. "I love the way it is so pure and cold,
but not as harsh as white, and it isn't a color you see very day, even though
it's not entirely rare either, also it's reflective, and when it shows another
color in it, it's so beautiful, but that is sort of cheating since I'm adding
another shade - so yeah, silver."
"Silver and gold," Frank chuckled softly, finding their favorite colors an
accurate representation of themselves, two people of the same molds, slightly
different shades, but still similar, who also seemed better when displayed side
by side instead of separately, or even better, woven together.
And Frank knew he was getting ahead of himself again, but this night with
Gerard made his musing of a future together seem slightly less ludicrous,
because fuck buddies didn't do this, they didn't cuddle underneath the stars
and discuss their favorite colors, but that was exactly what he and Gerard were
doing, so maybe Frank wasn't so crazy to think there was more between him and
Gerard than just sex.
Gerard had loosened his hold on Frank's hand, and Frank found his fingers
clutching onto Gerard's wrist, rubbing lightly across the swath of exposed skin
without any conscious thought, and it was only when Gerard flinched violently,
pulling his arm away in a jerky motion that Frank realized what he had done.
"Oh god, I'm sorry - I didn't mean to," Frank whispered hoarsely, because he
had been tracing Gerard's scars by accident, and that was one topic they had
both steadfastly avoided, even though Frank had finally noticed them about two
weeks into knowing Gerard, and once he had, he felt like an idiot for not
catching on sooner, because it explained a large majority of Gerard's odd
behavior, but he respected Gerard's privacy, and he had done everything he
could to avoid drawing attention to them, until tonight that is.
"Don't apologize, it's okay...have - you have seen them, haven't you?" Gerard
exhaled heavily, his muscles tensing up as he braced himself for Frank's
response.
"Yes, and it's okay - well, actually it's not okay, and I hate the fact that
you had to experience that pain, but I will never judge you for hurting, and it
doesn't change my opinion of you at all, you are still p- flawless in my eyes,"
Frank stumbled at the end of his statement, because he had been about to say
perfect, but he didn't want to add another of Gerard's triggers to an already
delicate situation, so thank fuck he had caught himself before that word had
passed his lips.
"Really...you aren't just lying to make me feel better?" Gerard asked
nervously, and for one second, Gerard seemed younger than Frank, his shifting
eyes and shaking hands making Frank want to protect him from anyone who had any
intentions of hurting him, he yearned to shelter Gerard away from the cruel
world that had caused him so much internal pain.
Frank's heart physically ached as he pictured Gerard taking a blade to his
skin; he couldn't even imagine what had been going through his head when those
wounds had been inflicted, because even though Frank had experienced some
pretty horrendous lows, he had never been tempted to turn to self-harm, and he
didn't want to know what events had transpired that made Gerard feel that
something so terrible was his only option, but hopefully that was now in the
past.
"Of course not, and I understand in a way, but I don't want you to think you
have to turn to that any more, I'm here now, and if you ever feel like doing
that again, you can tell me - if you want, and I promise I will always be there
for you."
Frank swore he would follow through on his word, even though he had no
experience with someone in this situation, because no one deserved to feel that
awful, that helpless, especially not Gerard, and Frank was determined to do
everything in his power to make sure Gerard never felt that urge again, if
Gerard let him that is. 
"I haven't done it in almost two months, it wasn't helping as much as it used
to, but still - that means a lot to me Frank, a hell of a lot..." Gerard
trailed off, his hand returning to its previous position, his fingers linked
with Frank's tightly as his breathing slowed and his body relaxed underneath
Frank's.
"I want to be there for you, I want to make you happy," Frank admitted shyly, a
rosy blush painting his cheeks, hidden by the comforting darkness they were
currently blanketed in.
Gerard didn't respond with words, instead, he sat up slightly, tilting Frank's
chin higher with two of his fingers so he could press a soft kiss to his
waiting lips, and even though it was a simple peck, Frank found his eyes
fluttering shut in pure bliss, the sheer amount of emotions behind the small
gesture would have brought him to his knees if he hadn't already been lying
down.
He could feel Gerard's nervousness at their previous topic of conversation in
the slightly trembling of his lips, but more than that was what he couldn't
feel; there was no lust in the kiss, just intense affection, and maybe even
trust, if that was possible to sense through a touch of the lips, but whatever
it was, Frank couldn't get enough of it, and he had to suppress a groan when
Gerard pulled away suddenly.
"Thank you for staying with me, this is really nice - having you here." Gerard
once again changed the subject abruptly, ended his sentence with a soft kiss to
the crown of Frank's head, and fuck - Frank melted against him, the simple
touch breaking down so many barrier that Frank had almost forgotten he had put
up in the first place.
"I'm glad I stayed too, but I'm curious, why did you decide to bring me out
here - I'm happy that you did, don't get me wrong, but it just seems like a
huge thing to trust someone with, especially someone you haven't known very
long." Frank hadn't even considered telling Gerard about this place, but even
though they shared the same sanctuary, Gerard associated with it differently
than Frank did, and even though Frank was slightly terrified about the answer
he was about to receive, he had to know why Gerard had broken his solitary
place with Frank's presence, especially so soon.
"Well - I was talking to my friend about you, and he made me realize how much I
care for you, not that I wasn't aware of that already, but he made me think
about this thing we have, and I'm not very good at being open, or describing my
feelings, but fuck - I really like you Frank, and bringing you here cemented
that, and I - I want you to be mine, my boyfriend, if that's okay?"
Frank had to blink numerous times to make sure that he was in fact awake, and
he hadn't just dreamed up Gerard saying the words he was so desperate to hear,
but when Gerard didn't blur or fade away, Frank came to the conclusion that
this was real, and that Gerard wanted Frank in the same way he wanted him, and
fuck - this was everything he had been hoping for and more, all of his secret
desires and wishes summarized together in one question that had fallen from
Gerard's lips like a drop of water gifted to a man dying of thirst.
Frank inhaled deeply, trying to understand the heady feeling that was rushing
through his veins, and after some consideration, Frank decided it was joy -
unbridled jubilation in such large amounts that Frank would have overdosed on
it if such a thing was possible, but thank fuck it wasn't, because Frank would
be extremely disappointed if he were to die right now, just when his life was
turning around, now that he had something to live for in the form of Gerard.
Frank could have sat there all night in silence, revealing in the intense
sensations he was experiencing, but Gerard was peering up at him with those
gorgeous eyes, unclouded by alcohol or any other substance for once, and Frank
could read his terror in the hazel irises, he could physically feel the
anticipation as he waited for Frank to speak, and it was only then that Frank
realized he had yet to give Gerard a proper answer.
"I - yes - fuck yes," Frank stuttered out, pulling Gerard's face closer to his
so he could shut himself up with a kiss before he embarrassed himself, a kiss
that meant more to Frank than any other, because he wasn't just kissing Gerard
this time, he was kissing his boyfriend, and that was best feeling in the
entire fucking world.
***** 7k Words Of Pure Porn *****
Frank's existence was never meant to end well, it had been destroyed two years
ago, his childhood ripped apart like an unwanted page in a book, tossed to the
wind without a care where it landed or how damaged it became along the way, but
then Gerard stepped into the picture, Gerard hadcared, Gerard had caught the
discarded piece of paper and treasured it, he had taken the time to smooth it
out, to restore it as best as he was able, and even though the edges would
always be torn and frayed, it wasn't adrift anymore, it was wanted, and safe,
and even though it was flawed, as long as Gerard didn't mind, then neither did
Frank.
And there Frank went again, concocting pointless metaphors to describe his
current situation, but it has become a habit, especially since Gerard had
entered into his life, and Frank felt that this one was especially fitting.
Gerard had transformed Frank's world into a storybook fairytale, and he needed
to produce extravagant words to convey the way that he was feeling, regular
sentences were no longer enough.
Frank never thought things could be like this, not for him anyway, because he
had drawn the short stick in the bunch at the age of fifteen, he had been
convinced that he was doomed to a life of one disappointment after another
until something finally broke him completely, and he had never dared to allow
himself to consider the possibility that his lot could change one day, and he
could actually be happy, but for once, Frank was glad he had been proven wrong.
Because right now, in this moment in time, in Gerard's car, with their hands
laced together idly, Frank was happy, more than happy actually, but he couldn't
quite find a word to describe his exact state of being; ecstatic wasn't quite
right, it was too much, too exuberant, but content didn't work either, it was
too complacent of a word for the emotions currently flowing through Frank,
sohappy would have to do.
Frank almost felt drunk, that perfect sensation when you had just enough
alcohol in your system, some place passed buzzed, but not to the point where
you began to feel sick, when everything seemed wonderful, even if it really
wasn't, but Gerard had been the cause this time instead of a bottle of liquor,
and Frank would choose him over a drink any day.
Frank was still slightly in shock over the events that had occurred tonight; he
kept repeating to himself over and over that Gerard was now his boyfriend, and
it still hadn't quite sunk in yet, and Frank wasn't sure if it ever would, but
he was enjoying the dream like state he was currently ensconced in, his eyes
fluttering shut as he enjoyed the comfortable silence in the car, only the
subtle purring of the engine breaking the peaceful moment.
"Hey Frank?" Gerard's soft voice cut through Frank's self-imposed solitude, but
Gerard was a most welcome interruption.
"Hmm?" Frank hummed quietly, his face turning so he could watch Gerard as he
drove, his profile lit up by the occasional pair of headlights that passed them
on the mostly deserted street.
"I - I have a question, and it's sort of a weird one, and please feel free to
say no if you want...I just -" Frank cut Gerard off with a sudden chuckle, the
sound escaping past his lips without his consent, but Gerard's flustered state
was beyond adorable, and Frank couldn't help but laugh at his awkwardness,
which he had become quite fond of over the past few weeks.
"Well I won't be able to say no if you don't tell me what it is," Frank
responded cheekily, a grin tugging at the corner of his lips as Gerard removed
one hand from the steering wheel, threading it through his hair nervously
before placing it back to its previous position.
In the past, Frank would have instantly been on edge if Gerard had been acting
this way around him, his mind would have automatically jumped to the worst case
scenario, probably something involving Gerard leaving him, but not this time,
because right now, everything was perfect, and Frank knew that whatever Gerard
was about to say wasn't going to be negative - he wasn't sure how he knew, but
he just did.
"Okay - it's just...fuck this is embarrassing," Gerard muttered, breathing in
deeply before continuing in a rush. "Well, now that you are my boyfriend, I was
just wondering if we could stop using condoms, because I really hate them, and
I know people say they aren't that bad, but - I don't know, I just love the
feeling of having nothing in-between me and the person I'm with, and I'm clean
-I swear, I had a physical about a month ago, and you are the only one I have
had sex with since, so...yeah," Gerard trailed off, his eyes darting over to
Frank before he forced them to flicker back to the road.
"Yeah - that's fine with me, I have never not used one before, but I'm clean
too, so I don't mind at all, I can show you the results from my last blood test
tomorrow if you want, it was from two weeks ago," Frank shrugged, doing his
best to hold back the laughter that was bubbling in his chest, because Gerard's
reluctance to ask about this truly amused Frank, and the way he had played his
question up to be something much bigger than it was had Frank giddy with
relief, because despite his positive thoughts, Frank had still been slightly
worried that Gerard had been about to drop a bombshell on him.
And really, Frank didn't give a shit if they used condoms or not; he had never
partaken in sex without one before, it was sort of essential for someone who
fucked the way Frank did, so Frank had no idea what it would feel like to have
Gerard go in bare, but fuck - now that the topic had been brought up, he was
eager to find out.
"Yeah, that sounds good, but I really don't even need to see it - I trust you
Frank, and I honestly don't think I will be able to wait until tomorrow to fuck
you," Gerard smirked playfully, causing Frank to roll his eyes in a faked
display of irritation.
"So just use a condom tonight, one more time won't kill you," Frank teased,
fully enjoying riling Gerard up, because there was really no reason to wait -
Frank was clean, he hadn't even fucked Pete lately, not that he thought Pete
was carrying any sexual diseases, but still, the point stood that Frank hadn't
had sex with anyone besides for Gerard this month, so he was perfectly fine
with being fucked without a condom tonight.
"If that's what you want," Gerard agreed, but Frank didn't miss the soft sigh
of disappointment he tried to hide, and Frank decided to stop messing with
Gerard before he assumed that Frank didn't want this.
"Gerard, I'm just fucking with you, you are totally free to fuck me without a
condom whenever you want, honestly." Frank twisted uncomfortably in his seat as
Gerard's expression perked up visibly, because all this talk of fucking was
making him a bit too excited, and he really couldn't wait to get back to
Gerard's place now.
"Okay - cool, that's awesome...and, uh - since we are sort of on the topic of
sex, I thought that I should maybe warn you about some of my kinks." Gerard's
words did nothing to help the growing problem in Frank's pants, and he had to
hold back a groan as he tried to imagine where this conversation was going to
end up.
"Oh yeah...like what?" Frank managed to choke out, and he knew that Gerard had
noticed his current state, if the coy smirk on his face meant anything that is.
"Nothing too bad, I promise, and I think you have already caught on to a few of
them, but I obviously like to be in control," Frank nodded to show that he had
figured that one out for himself, "and uh - I can get sort of mean, not in the
way that I would ever hit you or anything, but I like to be rough, and I like
dirty talk, that sort of thing, so if I ever go too far, please just tell me to
stop. I have been trying to hold back with you so far, but you seem to like it,
so I want to branch out a little bit more...if that's okay?"
"Yeah...I - I like it, you can go all out with me, and I will tell you to stop
if it gets to be too much," Frank answered, his tongue snaking out to wet his
lips which had suddenly became unbearably dry. "So - uh, is there anything else
you are into?"
"Well yeah, but we don't have to do any of it if you don't want to." Frank
motioned for Gerard to go on when he paused, his curiosity now well and truly
peaked. "I'm interested in a lot of things, but I wouldn't even call them
kinks, more just...hobbies?" Gerard gestured with his hands as he spoke,
ignoring the way Frank was leaning closer to him, hanging on to his every word.
"Tell me," Frank tried to demand, but it came out in more of a hoarse plea
instead.
"Okay - um, well I like biting a lot, either you doing it to me or vice versa,
and I also like spanking, but you can tell me if you aren't comfortable with
that, uh - I really like using toys, but on you, not me, and uh - fuck I love
edging -"
"What the hell is edging?" Frank asked nervously, his cheeks tinted with a
light blush as he spoke, because Frank may have had quite a bit of sex, but it
had all been very vanilla, and hearing Gerard's kinks was making Frank feel
like an awkward virgin instead of the slut he had always labeled himself as.
"It's orgasm control - or delay really, like you force yourself to stop right
before you come, and when it finally happens, it feels so fucking good Frank,"
Gerard sighed, almost moaned really, and Frank had to bite his lip to hold back
an accompanying sound of his own.
"I - I am definitely up for trying all of that."
"Fuck - I can't wait to get you home," Gerard murmured to himself, but Frank
still heard him. "What about you Frank - any secret fantasies or kinks I can
help you fulfill?"
Frank had to stop and think about Gerard's question, because he had never been
a particularly interesting person in the bedroom, and he didn't have a list of
things that he was dying to try; he just liked sex, especially sex with Gerard,
but he felt the need to come up with some sort of answer, even though he had
nothing on Gerard's impressive list.
"Well - I, I don't know...I like to bottom obviously, I have topped a few
times, and it wasn't really my thing, and uh - I actually love being fingered,
but before you, no one ever bothered with it for too long," Frank shrugged,
still trying to wrack his brain for something else he could say to make himself
sound more experienced, but he was coming up blank.
"I can tell you like being fingered, you get so fucking loud," Gerard grinned,
his words causing a rush of heat to race throughout Frank's body and a
vermillion tint to stain his cheeks. "I want to make you come like that, with
just my fingers, maybe my -" Gerard cut himself off suddenly, leaving Frank
short of breath and desperate to hear the end of his sentence.
"And what?"
"I want it to be a surprise, I'll show you when we get home," Gerard promised,
causing Frank to groan loudly in disappointment. He had enough of surprises for
one night, and right now, he really just wanted to be fucked, but they still
had about ten more minutes until they reached Gerard's apartment.
"Fine," Frank muttered sullenly as he squirmed in his seat in an attempt to get
comfortable, his erection pressing against the zipper of his jeans in a
borderline painful manner, and Frank was almost tempted to rip down his pants
and rub one out right here, because he was so worked up, he wasn't going to
make it five minutes when they finally got inside, and he really wanted their
night to last longer than that.
Frank glanced over at Gerard, trying to mentally project his distress without
actually voicing the words, but Gerard didn't seem to catch on, his eyes stayed
determinedly fixed on the road, and it was only when Frank's gaze traveled
lower that he realized that Gerard had been just as affected by their
conversation as he had, maybe even more so if the large bulge in his dark jeans
meant anything at all.
"Fuck Gerard - you are so hard," Frank gasped softly, his finger trailing
across Gerard's thigh, slowly traveling closer to his erection when Gerard
didn't push him away.
"Yeah - fuck, I want you so badly Frank," Gerard groaned out, his hips bucking
slightly as Frank traced the outline of his dick ever so gently.
"Let me suck you off," Frank begged, his hands already fumbling with the
buttons of Gerard's pants, trying to push them down enough so he could get his
mouth on Gerard's dick.
"W-we are almost home, I can wait," Gerard stammered out, but he lifted up in
his seat slightly, letting Frank tug the stubborn denim down around his thighs,
his boxers getting caught in them as well, leaving his hard cock to lay against
his leg in a tempting manner that Frank couldn't ignore.
"I know, but I can't, and I want this now," Frank babbled out, his mouth
watering as he leaned across the center console, pressing a soft kiss to the
head of Gerard's leaking dick.
"Fuck," Gerard mumbled weakly, his eyes never leaving the road, even when Frank
began mouthing at the head of his cock, "Frank - please," Gerard begged, his
hips tilting upward as Frank increased the suction of his lips by a small
fraction.
"Oh god Gee," Frank moaned, pulling back for a second so he could unzip his own
jeans, leaving his boxers on so he could rub himself against the leather seats
as he returned to his previous position, sucking Gerard back into his mouth
eagerly.
A strangled gasp escaped Gerard's mouth as Frank went all the way down, choking
slightly around Gerard's length as his lips brushed against the soft curls of
Gerard's pubic hair, but Frank really didn't give a shit; he was so turned on
that he could barely think, and all he knew was that he wanted to make Gerard
come, he needed to, nothing else mattered right now.
Gerard whined low in his throat as Frank twisted his tongue along the large
vein on the underside of his cock, spit dribbling down his chin as he forced
himself to go further, swallowing around Gerard heavily as he inhaled through
his nose. Gerard jerked forward, his dick hitting the back of Frank's throat
roughly before he forced himself to sit back, but Frank loved it when Gerard
fucked his mouth, and he needed to let Gerard know that.
Not wanting to remove his lips from Gerard's cock, Frank simply tugged on his
hips, trying to show Gerard without words that it was okay, that he could use
Frank's mouth however he wanted, and it was only when Frank peered up at Gerard
with wide eyes did he realize that Gerard had stopped the car, he was pulled
over on the side of some street, which gave Frank free reign to do whatever he
wanted without having to worry about Gerard getting into an accident.
Frank twisted his head to the side, taking a deep breath before allowing his
eyes to flutter shut, waiting for Gerard to make the next move, which didn't
take long at all; Gerard whimpered softly before tangling his fingers in
Frank's hair, forcing his head down onto his cock as he trembled slightly.
Frank choked again, but he managed to cover it up, forcing his throat to open
wider, letting Gerard gag him as he continued to snap his hips upward wildly.
Gerard sensed when Frank had enough though, and before Frank could pull away,
Gerard was sliding out of his mouth, giving Frank a chance to gulp in oxygen
while Gerard fisted his dick slowly.
"Fucking hell Frank - your fucking mouth, I'm so close already, I'm going to
come, could come just like this, looking at your face right now - oh god,"
Gerard moaned, rubbing the head of his cock against Frank's swollen lips
gently, and fuck - Frank wished he could see how they looked right now, it was
probably fucking obscene, and even the small glimpse he could catch of Gerard
in the dark car was enough to have him humping the seat weakly.
"Please," Frank panted, unsure of what he was asking for, because really, it
should be Gerard begging for him, but somehow their roles had been reversed
once again, and Frank was the one writhing desperately, his cock aching where
it was pressed against the warm leather, the friction so fucking good, but
nowhere near enough.
Gerard understood though, he knew what Frank needed, so he leaned up slightly,
shoving Frank's boxers down as his hand wrapped around Frank's dick, spreading
the precome leaking from his tip before he began to stroke Frank quickly,
guiding Frank's mouth back onto his cock at the same time, allowing Frank to
anchor himself by clutching onto his hips tightly.
Frank moaned loudly around Gerard's length, leaning into his touch as he
continued to lather Gerard with his tongue, his entire body trembling as
Gerard's hand drove him closer and closer to the edge. It was fucking
ridiculous how close Frank was already, just from sucking Gerard off, but this
was a regular occurrence now, and Frank was almost used to how turned on Gerard
made him.
"So close Frank, oh god - don't stop," Gerard cried, his motions speeding up as
he thrust himself into Frank's mouth with a bit more force, his muscles
trembling under Frank's hands as his cock swelled slightly, and then he was
spilling into Frank's mouth, his hot come flooding Frank's senses as he
swallowed around him, determined to drink Gerard dry, even though his own
orgasm was almost upon him.
As soon as Gerard slipped his now softening cock past Frank's lips, Frank cried
out loudly, his muscles contracting as he shot into Gerard's hand suddenly, his
chest heaving as the unexpected jolt of pleasure faded slowly, Gerard
continuing to stroke him until Frank gently batted his hand away.
"Holy fuck," Frank panted as he collapsed back onto the seat, avoiding the spot
he had left as he pulled his pants back up with shaky fingers.
"Don't think I'm done with you yet," Gerard chuckled wearily, his own jeans
still around his ankles and a ridiculous grin on his face.
"That was just a warm up," Frank smirked, his eyes darting around to make sure
that no one had witnessed what they had been up to in the car, even though the
steamed up windows gave it away instantly, but Gerard had pulled over in the
parking lot of a closed mattress store, and luckily, theirs was the only
vehicle in sight.
"That's right, I still have plans for you later, and I made sure Mikey was
going out tonight," Gerard giggled, his clothing finally back in the proper
position as he started up the car once again.
"Drive fast," Frank demanded, his cock already twitching as he tried to imagine
what Gerard had in store for him, and Gerard took his words to heart, pushing
his foot to the accelerate before gracing Frank with a cheeky wink.
---------------------------------------------
Frank found himself naked almost as soon as they entered Gerard's apartment,
his clothing tossed aside with no care to where it had landed, and even though
Gerard had paused once Frank was mostly stripped down, suddenly persisting that
he had to show Frank the papers that proved his clean bill of health, Frank
barely even glanced at the page before dragging Gerard into the bedroom,
because he trusted Gerard, and he knew he was telling the truth, not to mention
he was an impatient little fucker, no matter the fact that he had just came
barely ten minutes ago.
It was Frank's turn to pause once they reached Gerard's room though, and when
Gerard attempted to push him onto the bed, Frank grabbed his wrists, halting
his actions entirely, because Frank had one thing he wanted to do, and even
though it could kill the mood, he had to try.
"Is everything okay?" Gerard asked breathlessly, his entire body held
motionless as he waited for Frank's response.
"Yeah, I - I just want to try something...okay, just let me do this, and then
you get complete control back." Gerard's posture instantly stiffened, but he
nodded his head slightly, stepping back to allow Frank to do whatever he
wanted.
Frank moved slowly, as if Gerard was a startled animal that he needed to
approach with caution. Making sure to be exceptionally gentle, Frank began to
remove Gerard's long sleeved shirt, pulling the fabric over his head without
any protest from Gerard.
When Frank moved on to his jeans, unbuttoning them slowly before beginning to
pull them down, Gerard started to tremble slightly, and Frank didn't want him
to be afraid, so he ran his palms lightly over Gerard's ribs, trying to soothe
the older man before he ruined everything with his boldness.
"Frank...what are you doing?" Gerard finally spoke up, the shakiness of his
tone revealing how afraid he truly was, causing Frank to wonder what Gerard
assumed he was going to do to him, and why he was so terrified of whatever it
was.
"I just want to undress you, and I know you don't like to be naked until you
absolutely have to, but I want to see you. I understand that you hate your
scars, but I don't, because they are a part of you, and I just want to show you
how beautiful you are," Frank murmured soothingly, his hands edging back to
Gerard's jeans, pulling them down the last few inches, allowing Gerard to step
out of them before his fingers came up to grab the waistband of his boxers. "Is
this okay?" Frank questioned, giving Gerard a chance to back out if he really
didn't want this.
"Yeah...it's okay." Gerard proved his words by removing his boxers himself,
backing up a few steps to give Frank an opportunity to see his naked body for
the first time, because even though Gerard had been unclothed around Frank
numerous times, he never really let him look, and Frank had been aching to gaze
at the perfection that was Gerard ever since their first night together.
Andfuck - Gerard was really fucking gorgeous, his pale skin seemed to glow
softly under the light of the single lamp, his hands coming up to wrap around
his waist in a way that showed off the slight curve to his body, his half hard
cock bobbing gently under Frank's scrutiny, and Frank made sure to take
advantage of this moment, his eyes drinking Gerard in like he was a priceless
work of art that he would never get the pleasure of observing again, because
that was how Frank viewed Gerard, and he knew that he wouldn't get very many
chances to see Gerard like this in the future; Gerard may have gone along with
Frank's wishes tonight, but he was obviously uncomfortable, and Frank wasn't
going to make him do this again unless he wanted to.
And yes - Frank could see Gerard's scars, the ones littering his arms were
almost invisible unless you knew to look for them, but his thighs were
crisscrossed in heavy silver lines, even his hip bones bore a few old wounds,
but Frank didn't focus on that, because he knew Gerard didn't want him to, and
there was so much else to occupy himself with, like Gerard's dark hair which
barely brushed his shoulders, his nervous eyes that still held a hint of lust,
his long fingered hands that were trembling ever so slightly, and fuck - Frank
was completely in awe over the fact that he could call this man his boyfriend.
"Gerard - fuck...you are stunning," Frank sighed, his hands coming up to trace
Gerard random lines on Gerard's chest lightly, reveling in the feeling of his
soft skin.
"You - you really think so?" Gerard asked in a quivery voice, his eyes boring
into Frank's as he searched for any sign of falsity in Frank's words.
"I do, I really fucking do, thank you for letting me see you like this, it
means a hell of a lot," Frank smiled happily, his toes pushing upward as he
mouthed at Gerard's neck gently.
"I - I trust you Frank, and I don't like my body, especially anyone seeing it,
but I can try for you, if it makes you happy," Gerard exhaled, his head tilting
to the side so Frank had more room to work his lips against the pale column of
skin Gerard had revealed to him.
"It does, and I'm so proud of you for doing this for me."
"I -ahh...I would do anything for you Frank," Gerard gasped out, his breathing
quickening as Frank's mouth found his sweet spot, which was located near the
back of his ear.
"God...I can't believe you are real," Frank whispered, pulling back slightly so
he could admire the light bruise forming on Gerard's neck.
"Frank - can I -" Gerard asked in-between gritted teeth, and Frank instantly
complied, laying down on the bed to show that Gerard was in control now, and he
could do whatever he wanted to Frank. "God Frank - you are the gorgeous one,"
Gerard mumbled softly, his naked body coming down to hover over Frank's, his
lips grazing across Frank's left nipple as he spoke.
"Gerard," Frank sighed, his brain already become fuzzy with lust as Gerard
ground their lower bodies together, causing Frank's dick to jump slightly as
the unexpected contact. "What are you going to do to me?" Frank questioned
softly when Gerard didn't immediately move, his curiosity overwhelming him, the
list of Gerard's kinks swirling around his mind, the endless possibilities
making Frank nervous and excited all at the same time.
"Tonight is about you," Gerard responded, his eyes drooping shut as he sucked
Frank's nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the rapidly hardening
bud with just the right amount of pressure.
"I - I want you to fuck me," Frank whined, his cock already leaking against his
stomach as Gerard switched over to his other nipple, because he assumed Gerard
wanted him to choose, and even though many of the things Gerard had mentioned
sounded interesting, Frank just wanted Gerard inside of him as soon as
possible.
"Maybe later," Gerard teased, leaning up to capture Frank's mouth in a heated
kiss, and even though Frank was already needy and aching for Gerard's cock, he
melted into the press of Gerard's lips, his tongue dancing lazily with Gerard's
in a well-known routine that he would never get tired of. "I want to do
something else first," Gerard smirked when they finally broke apart, and before
Frank had a chance to ask exactly what he had in mind, Gerard was sinking down
Frank's body, mouthing at his hard cock, licking all the way to the base before
flipping Frank over entirely, situating him on his hands and knees.
"Are you going to fuck me now?" Frank asked eagerly, pushing his ass out in the
hopes of enticing Gerard to use his body however he saw fit, but Gerard didn't
respond right away, instead, he pressed his body against Frank's bare back,
gathering his hands in one of his before pressing them against the mattress
firmly, and Frank instantly understood that Gerard wanted him to keep them
there.
"Just wait and see," Gerard whispered in Frank's ear, sucking the sensitive
shell into his mouth, Frank shuddering uncontrollably as hot spikes of pleasure
shot through him, and fuck - he had no idea how someone mouthing at his ear was
causing his dick to leak so much, but it was.
As Gerard inched back downward, his hand reaching around to cup at Frank's
cock, his palm pressing his pulsating length against his stomach, Frank inhaled
heavily, doing his best to shut up and be patient for whatever Gerard was going
to do to him, but fuck - he was so hard already, and he needed something,
anything, or he was going to explode from the simple pressure of Gerard's hand
around his dick.
Frank shivered as he felt Gerard's mouth at the base of his cock, his tongue
flicking out to massage each of his balls for a few moments, but Gerard quickly
moved away, his tongue trailing higher, and higher, until - oh fuck, that was
Gerard's mouth on his ass, his tongue pressing against his hole - holy shit.
"Fucking hell," Frank cried out, his legs automatically trying to close on
their own accord, because even though Gerard's hot breath on his ass felt
fucking amazing, this was too much, no one had ever done this to him before,
and Frank was completely unprepared for this.
"Just relax Frankie," Gerard cooed, his hands pressing Frank's thighs apart,
causing Frank to whine at the loss of contact with his cock, but then Gerard
was settling himself down in between Frank's spread legs, pressing a wet kiss
to his right ass cheek before putting his face back in Frank's crack, his
fingers coming up to spread him wide, leaving Frank exposed, and nervous, and
so fucking turned on, not at all bothered by the use of his once hated
nickname, because he had other things to focus on right now.
"Gerard - you, you don't, I -" Frank began babbling, the enormity of what
Gerard was about to do hitting him full force, and Frank wasn't sure if he
wanted Gerard to do this, even though hedid, but it was so intimate, so dirty,
and no one had ever expressed any desire to do this to Frank, he didn't even
think this happened to anyone outside of porn, but - oh fuck - Gerard was
already licking over his hole again, humming softly to himself as if he was the
one getting his ass eaten out.
"God Frank...you taste so fucking good," Gerard whimpered, causing Frank to
moan loudly at the combination of his words and the feeling of his breath
hitting his trembling ring of muscles. "I want to do this for you, been fucking
dying to eat you out since day one."
"Gerard," Frank whispered, every muscle in his body tensing up as Gerard buried
himself back down, his tongue tracing around Frank's ass in a teasing manner
that had Frank keening softly, his breath catching in his throat as Gerard
flicked his tongue in a strange way that feltway too fucking good to be real,
but it was, this was happening, and fuck - now that Gerard had started, Frank
never wanted him to stop.
It was as if the entire world had ceased to exist, even Frank was no longer
present, it was just his ass and Gerard's tongue, just Gerard lapping against
Frank as if he was desperate for more of his taste, tiny moans breaking up his
actions every now and then, but Frank could barely hear them, he could barely
focus on anything, just the intense waves of pleasure that were overwhelming
him, drowning him in their intensity as Gerard continued to mouth at his
asshole hungrily.
"Gerard - I - fuck, it's too much, fuck me, I need to come," Frank cried out,
his cock bouncing against the mattress as Frank's arms almost gave out, his
elbows locking at the last second to keep himself upright, butfuck - he needed
to touch himself, he needed to come, like now, but he couldn't move without
collapsing onto his face.
"I want to make you come like this," Gerard's rough voice reached Frank's ears,
but he was quickly distracted by Gerard pressing two fingers against his spit
soaked hole, tracing the trembling muscles before pushing them in slowly - oh
so slowly - twisting them upward at that perfect angle that had Frank screaming
hoarsely as Gerard massaged his prostate.
"Oh fuck - oh god, just...fuck, please," Frank keened, his hips shoving
backward on their own accord, forcing Gerard's digits that much deeper, adding
that much more pressure to his sweet spot, and oh fuck - Frank was going to
come any minute now, and he hadn't even been touched.
And then Gerard pressed his tongue back against Frank's ass, but he didn't stop
there, he pushed it inside, the muscle slipping in along with his fingers,
andfuck - Frank had never felt anything like this before, it was so fucking
good, it was unreal, and he had no idea how he hadn't come yet, because his
entire body was flushed and sweaty, his cock rock hard and leaking against the
sheet. He couldn't stop making these soft, embarrassing noises, small whining
gasps that left his mouth on every exhale.
"You are so fucking hot Frankie, I love your ass - fuck, I could do this all
night," Gerard moaned, his voice sounding just as wrecked as Frank felt.
"Gerard - please...I want..." Frank cried, trying to force Gerard to put his
tongue back where he wanted it - needed it, because Frank was so close to
coming it physically hurt, but Gerard kept tracing around his hole, pressing
soft kisses to his cheeks as his fingers moved inside of Frank relentlessly.
"What do you want Frankie, I want to hear you say it," Gerard teased, even
going so far as to remove his fingers completely as he waited for Frank's
answer.
"I - I want you - your tongue, put it back in my ass,please, I want to come
around your tongue - oh my god," Frank ended on an obscene moan as Gerard
complied with Frank's wishes, pressing his tongue into Frank hard, going so
fucking deep, his teeth scraping around Frank's rim as he fucked into him
determinedly.
"Oh - oh," Frank cried, shoving back onto Gerard's face, causing the older man
to moan loudly, even though he hadn't even been touched yet, andfuck - Frank
wasn't sure if he was going to be able to help Gerard after this, because he
already felt paralyzed, his approaching orgasm creeping up on him quickly as
Gerard continued to slide his tongue in and out of Frank, and fuck - Frank was
losing it, he couldn't even remember how to breathe, he was so overwhelmed by
the rush of sensations caused by Gerard's fucking tongue.
Finally, Frank had to let go, Gerard's tongue in his ass just felt too fucking
good, and with a final hoarse scream, Frank shot all over the sheets, his body
instantly collapsing as he came, and kept coming, andoh fuck - Gerard followed
him downward, his tongue never stopping, still pushing in, fucking Frank
through his orgasm, and even though Frank was oversensitive and exhausted, it
still feels so fucking good, and he couldn't stop himself from moaning loudly
as Gerard kept going.
"Frank," Gerard whined out after an indeterminate amount of time, during which
Frank laid in his own jizz, his hips gyrating slightly under Gerard's lapping
motions.
Gerard was moving up his body now though, his lips trailing along Frank's sweat
soaked spine, his hard cock pressing into his dripping crack, causing Frank to
gasp softly at the feeling of Gerard's hot length against his sensitive hole.
"Can I - can I fuck you Frank, you can say no, I don't want to hurt you,"
Gerard asked softly, his cock shifting up and down as Gerard's body shook
gently, and even though Frank should have been done for the night, he still
wanted Gerard, he wanted to feel his dick filling him up, he wanted him to come
inside him, he wanted to experience it all bare, skin on skin, nothing in-
between them this time.
"Please," Frank croaked out, trying his best to shift himself into a better
position, but Gerard took care of that for him, picking Frank up by his waist
and spinning him around so he was situated on his lap.
Gerard leaned back slightly, grabbing a bottle of lube that Frank hadn't
noticed until just now, slicking up his cock quickly before lifting Frank up,
spreading his legs a little more so that the head of his dick was pressed
against Frank's used hole.
"Just tell me if you need me to stop," Gerard gritted out, his mouth falling
open as he pushed into Frank slowly - oh so slowly, and even though Frank
should have been too oversensitive to enjoy this, he discovered that the
painful sting only heightened the pleasure of Gerard stretching him, and he
found himself moaning loudly, his head falling forward to rest in the crook of
Gerard's neck as he finally bottomed out.
"Fuck Frank - so fucking tight, feels so good...I'm not going to last long,"
Gerard groaned as he wrapped his arms securely around Frank's back, thrusting
into Frank with short, quick motions, hitting Frank's prostate immediately, and
it could have just been Frank's overstimulated state, but every single twitch
of Gerard's cock seemed to be heightened without a condom on, and Frank was so
fucking glad that he had agreed to do this bare.
"I - holy fuck." Frank's muscles were clenching around Gerard's dick with every
motion, his eyes rolling up into his head as Gerard found a steady rhythm that
felt so fucking good, andfuck - Frank was hard again, which should have been
impossible, he had already come twice tonight, but still, his body didn't seem
to care, his cock growing in size with each brush to his prostate.
"Holy shit Frank, you are so perfect." Gerard's eyes widened when he took in
Frank's aroused state, his hand immediately wrapping around Frank's dick,
stroking him in time with his movements inside of him.
"I - I think I'm going to come again - oh god - fuck me Gerard, fuck me hard,"
Frank begged, his body tensing up more and more with each passing second, and
even though Frank wasn't sure if he could truly orgasm again so quickly, he
wanted to try.
"I'm close too Frank -so close, come here," Gerard whispered, lying Frank down
on his back again so he could shove into him harder, faster, his hand speeding
up as well, paying extra attention to Frank's tip, one finger digging into the
slit every now and again. Frank was borderline sobbing now, his breath coming
out in harsh pants as he let Gerard pound into him, his legs coming up to wrap
around Gerard's waist weakly, trying his best to pull Gerard even closer to
him.
"Oh shit -" Gerard choked out, and then he stilled completely, his arms
trembling slightly as he came, andfuck- Frank could feel it, he could
physically feel Gerard's hot come filling him up, his dick pulsating inside of
him, and with one last flick of Gerard's wrist, Frank was coming too, a
strangled cry leaving his torn up throat as his body flew apart, every molecule
that made up his being seeming to shoot in a different direction before slowly
returning to reform his frame, his vision actually whiting out for a second
before Frank's eyes closed without his consent, plunging everything into a
pleasant blackness.
"Frank...you okay?" Gerard asked in a soothing tone of voice, his hand coming
up to push Frank's sweat soaked hair from his face as he pulled out of Frank
slowly, causing Frank to groan at the empty feeling, trails of Gerard's come
seeping down his thighs in hot rivets.
"I - wow, am I - yeah," Frank mumbled sleepily, his tongue too heavy to form
proper words anymore.
"Don't fall asleep yet sugar, I need to get you cleaned up," Gerard cooed, but
Frank was too tired to open his eyes, much less move, so he simply grunted
wearily in response.
Frank heard Gerard chuckle to himself, his arms slipping under Frank's waist
carefully, and before Frank could protest, Gerard was picking Frank up,
cradling his naked body against his bare chest, and even though Frank knew he
should just get up on his own, he was much too comfortable to attempt that
right now, and Gerard was already taking them into the bathroom, turning on the
shower without once putting Frank down.
"You did so well Frank, so fucking perfect," Gerard whispered as he stepped
over the lip of the tub with Frank still in his arms, sinking down onto the
rapidly warming tile so he could rest Frank against his chest as he reached for
the shampoo, massaging some into Frank's scalp gently.
"Are you seriously washing me?" Frank asked, his eyes still closed as Gerard's
fingers threaded through his sweaty locks.
"Mhmm," Gerard hummed happily, continuing to coat Frank's hair with the mango
scented substance.
And even though Frank was half asleep and basically brain dead from too many
orgasms, he found his heart swelling at Gerard's tender actions, a hot tear
actually slipped down his cheek when Gerard pressed a soft kiss to Frank's
forehead, but it was quickly lost under the spray of the shower, and no more
joined it, thank fuck for that, but Frank was only crying because he was so
fucking happy, and he couldn't remember a time that had ever happened before,
which was just another first he had experienced because of Gerard.
Frank couldn't believe this was real, that Gerard was being so fucking kind to
him, but this must be what having a boyfriend was like, this is what Frank had
always wanted, but fuck - he had no idea it would be like this, this good, this
special, and even though Frank wanted to tell Gerard how much this meant to
him, or at least thank him for being his boyfriend, he couldn't stay awake any
longer, the soothing water coupled with Gerard's skilled fingers had him
slipping away, Frank snuggling as close as he could to Gerard's smooth body
before sleep overtook him completely.
***** Get Ready - We're Going On A Feels Trip *****
Frank found himself in his own room on Sunday night, which had become an oddity
as of late, seeing how he spent almost every evening with Gerard now, and even
though Frank had managed just fine for the majority of his life being alone, he
already missed Gerard's comforting presence beside him, he missed the sheets
that smelled like him, he missed everything about Gerard, and he had just seen
him yesterday, which made Frank feel slightly pathetic, but he was absolutely
smitten, and he had given up trying to control his irrational desire to be
around Gerard every second of every day by this point.
And really - Frank felt slightly guilty about the amount of time he had been
whittling away with his newly acquired boyfriend; he had been neglecting his
mother lately, he had been ignoring Pete, hell - he had even been leaving work
early whenever possible so he could gain a few more hours with Gerard, but
despite all that, it was worth it, because Frank was finally happy for the
first time in two years, and even though he was being slightly irresponsible,
he reasoned with himself that he deserved it after everything he had been
subjugated to.
And although Frank had been expecting some negative consequences to come about
because of this, they hadn't - not yet at least; Frank's mother seemed to be on
an upswing, she hadn't experienced any odd fits lately, at least not that Frank
had witnessed, and even though she had been slightly distant, and she tended to
ignore Frank whenever he made an appearance at home, she had been going to work
every day, and Frank actually walked in on her cooking herself some food this
evening, which was a miracle in itself.
Frank was usually the one to do any sort of housework, including making meals
for the both of them, but maybe Frank's absence was forcing his mother to pull
herself out of whatever world she had wrapped around herself, maybe the person
that she used to be was slowly remerging, and maybe she would start to be able
to function on her own again if she was given enough time.
But Frank was a pessimist at heart, and no matter how perfect everything seemed
right now, he was well aware that nothing lasted forever - especially good
things. Frank had no idea how true that statement would prove to be in the
future, and he was clueless to how drastically his life would change because of
Gerard, but he did know that he had school in the morning, which was enough to
put a damper on his thoughts for the time being.
And notwithstanding the fact that Frank was dreading school, and he had no
friends - or even acquaintances to look forward to being reunited with, it
wasn't the act of returning to the establishment that had Frank worrying his
lower lip in-between his teeth - it was the wasted time, the lost moments that
he could be spent doing something better, something with Gerard, because Frank
knew that he would have much less freedom now that he had to add school to the
stack of responsibilities he was already juggling haphazardly.
It also reminded Frank of his age, and of his lie, and of how much deception
actually hung in-between his and Gerard's relationship, clogging the air with
its intensity, and even though Frank was doing his best to live day by day, he
couldn't completely obscure the nagging fear that he would suffocate on the
condensed fumes emitting from both of their evasions, because Frank wasn't the
only one with secrets, and Frank had a feeling that Gerard's were just as
intense as his own, maybe not as morally wrong, but still dangerously
important.
These thoughts were brought on by Pete unfortunately; Frank had actually
invited him over earlier in an attempt to bridge the gap that had been growing
between them because of Frank's distant attitude, even though his mother had
taken a disliking to his best friend recently, Pete's overuse of eyeliner and
punk style causing her to become wary of him, but she allowed his presence in
their house because of his long standing bond with Frank.
Pete had brought up Gerard again of course, and at first, Frank had been more
than willing to gush about the details of how Gerard had asked him to be his
boyfriend, beaming from ear to ear the entire time, but instead of being
ecstatic for Frank like he had expected, Pete had reacted suspiciously,
grilling Frank on why he thought Gerard had taken this step with him so
quickly, not to mention questioning if Frank was truly ready to be in a
committed relationship with a much older man he still knew very little about.
Frank was aware that Pete was just fulfilling the role of protective best
friend that he had maintained for the last few years, and that his and Gerard's
relationship was unconventional, but Frank didn't want to hear logic and reason
right now, he just wanted someone to be fucking happy for him, because sure -
he might not know anything about Gerard's past, or where they would be in three
months' time, but it didn't really matter to Frank, not when he had a boyfriend
who actually cared about him, who treasured him and wanted to be with him, and
Frank didn't understand why Pete couldn't see how good Gerard was for Frank.
Frank rolled over in bed with an irritated sigh, trying to bury all thoughts of
Pete and the doubts he had instilled in Frank's head under a layer of blankets,
but no matter how hard Frank tried, his mind wouldn'tfucking shut down, which
was very irritating to say the least; Frank did have school in the morning, and
he would rather not be exhausted on his first day back.
This lack of tiredness wasn't surprising though, because Frank had never been
good at falling asleep before two in the morning, and that time has been pushed
back ever since he had begun spending so many of his nights with Gerard. They
usually stayed up until they could no longer keep their eyes open, choosing to
spend the hours they shared doing something much more productive than resting,
which ranged from fucking, to watching movies, to simply walking around
Belleville, conversing about anything and everything, except for the deeper
topics that Frank was so desperate to uncover.
Frank ached to learn more about Gerard in his younger years, especially about
his time in My Chemical Romance, because Frank may have found the two albums
they had produced before their break up, and he may have watched a few of their
live shows on the rare nights he actually found himself with some free time at
home, and everything he had seen about the band intrigued him immensely.
Gerard could sing - like really sing; his voice wasn't vocally perfectly, but
it projected emotion in a way that Frank had never seen any other artist be
able to convey before, and Frank was instantly captivated by not only Gerard's
voice, but also hislyrics, the carefully constructed wording of each song
resonating somewhere deep inside of Frank in a way that he hadn't known music
was able to do.
Frank yearned to ask Gerard about his time as a frontman, but he also feared
it, because he had seen the way Gerard reacted when Mikey so much as mentioned
the band, and Frank couldn't bear it if Gerard grew angry with him over his
curiosity, so he kept his questions firmly buried, choosing to keep the peace
instead of indulging his inquisitive nature.
The sudden harsh ringing of a phone snapped Frank back to reality, the
unpleasant interruption erasing all traces of sleep that had just been starting
to drag his eyelids down, and even more poignant than the irritation Frank felt
at being jolted awake just when he had been so close to the slumber that had
been eluding him all night was the confusion centering around the random phone
call.
Nobody called Frank, besides for his mother that is, who was asleep across the
hall; Pete and Gerard used texting as their main form of communication, and
Frank didn't have anyone else in his life who would be attempting to reach out
to him, especially at this time of night, which explained why Frank never
switched his phone on silent, even when he was trying to sleep.
And in spite of the voice of common sense that was telling Frank to ignore his
persistent phone in favor of trying to drift back off before the last dredges
of drowsiness disappeared, his natural inquisitiveness wouldn't let him relax
until he had at least peeked at the number, so Frank blindly reached for the
chirping device, finally making contact with it after a few failed attempts.
But by the time Frank pulled the phone up to his ear, the call had already been
sent to voicemail, and Frank saw that it was indeed an unknown caller, probably
someone who had confused a few digits in the sequence of whoever's number they
had truly been attempting to reach, but just when Frank was about to plug the
device back into the charger, it sprung into life once more, the harsh ringtone
hurting Frank's ears at this close proximity.
"Hello?" Frank picked up the phone with a disgruntled sigh, intending to tell
whoever was on the other line to stop fucking calling him so he could get some
sleep; it was already past midnight now, and Frank was only going to obtain
about five hours of shut eye at most, and that was if his body allowed him to
slip away the very second this stranger was dealt with.
"Frank - oh thank god, I was so worried you weren't going to pick up."
"Mikey...is that you?" Frank asked warily, only just barely able to recognize
the voice on the other end of the line, but he was still a bit unsure about his
assumption, because Frank had never heard Mikey so frantic before, and the fact
that his usually stoic friend was in such a state had Frank wide awake and
bolting upward in bed so quickly that he experienced a minor case of vertigo.
"Yeah, it's me...I need your help Frank, can you come over? I know it's late,
but it's Gerard, he -"
"Oh god - is he okay, what happened?" Frank cut Mikey off before he could
finish his sentence, worry for Gerard burning his throat as he forced his words
out as quickly as humanly possible.
"I - I don't know, I just got home not too long ago, and he was a mess, I don't
know what's wrong, or what he took, but he's locked himself in his room...he
won't respond to me anymore, and I'm scared he is hurting himself...or
something," Mikey wailed, his pained cry shooting straight into Frank's heart,
the arrow of sorrow piercing the rapidly beating organ with a dull thump.
"Okay - just hang on, I'll be there as soon as I can," Frank promised, not even
waiting to hear Mikey's response before he had ended the call, throwing on the
closest pair of clothing he could find before grabbing his house keys and
literally sprinting out of the front door, his heart thumping so rapidly that
Frank was slightly concerned that the exertion of his run coupled with his
state of panic might send him into cardiac arrest, even though he was a bit too
young to be plagued with heart problems just yet.
As Frank sped toward Gerard's apartment, the only thought in his mind was
placing one foot in front of the other; he refused to think about what his
mother's reaction would be if she noticed his absence, or his lack of sleep, or
how he had school in the morning, because none of that mattered if Gerard
needed him. Gerard was the most important thing in Frank's life right now, and
he was more than willing to drop everything for his sake, no matter the
consequence he would have to face the next day.
---------------------------------------------
Frank was breathless and sweaty by the time he arrived outside of Gerard's
apartment, and he was truly regretting the fact that he hadn't thought to take
his mother's car instead of jogging all the way here, but if for some reason he
wasn't back by the time she had to be at work, he would have been in serious
trouble, so it was probably better that he had chosen his own legs instead of
the vehicle, but still, his protesting muscles didn't agree with his logic.
Frank knocked on the door sharply, doing his best to catch his breath before he
had to face whatever was wrong with Gerard, and honestly - Frank was terrified
about what he might be walking into, because he had never seen Gerard break
down, he hadn't even seen him cry before, and Frank was clueless as to what he
was supposed to do to fix this.
In their relationship so far, it had always been Gerard who comforted Frank,
Gerard who knew just what to say when Frank was falling apart, so this would be
the first time their roles had been reversed, and Frank was afraid that he
wasn't up for this, that he would fail Gerard when he needed him most, but
Frank had to try, he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he abandoned
Gerard just because of his insecurities.
Frank had promised Gerard that he would be there for him, especially if he ever
felt the urge to self-harm again, and he meant it, but Gerard hadn't reached
out to him for help, it had been Mikey who had called him, and what if Gerard
didn't want Frank to try and stop him from whatever he was doing, what if he
was upset with Frank for witnessing a side of himself that Frank hadn't been
invited to see, but it was too late for Frank to leave now, and he wouldn't be
able to relax until he saw Gerard with his own eyes.
Gerard had opened up to Frank an extraordinary amount recently, and they had
shed one layer of secrecy when Gerard had finally shown Frank his scars, but
this was different; it wasn't an old wound that Gerard was nervous that Frank
would judge him for, this was fresh, this was happening now, and if even the
thought of Gerard harming himself made Frank stomach's churn uncomfortably, he
had no idea what his reaction would be if he walked in on Gerard performing the
act live and in person.
But maybe that wasn't what Gerard was doing, maybe Mikey had simply
overreacted; Gerard had told Frank that he was two months clean, and he seemed
ashamed of his old coping methods, so it was very possible that he was just
upset and hurting without actually causing himself any physical harm, and maybe
all he would need would be a shoulder to cry on instead of a person to bandage
him up, and fuck - Frank really hoped that was the case.
A disheveled Mikey yanked open the door just then, shocking Frank slightly with
the sudden motion, but he was even more surprised at how awful Mikey looked,
because even though Frank had seen Mikey high, and drunk, and even after he had
just woken up, he had never witnessed him looking quite so ragged. His hair was
sticking up everywhere, as if he had been constantly tugging at it in
frustration, his eyes were bloodshot and exhausted, and his entire posture
projected a defeated air that had Frank even more terrified than he had been a
moment ago.
"Thank fuck you are here," Mikey exhaled, one of his thin hands beckoning Frank
inside urgently as he spoke, his gaze constantly glancing behind him as he
impatiently waited for Frank to enter the messy apartment.
"Where is Gerard?" Frank cut right to the chase, his eyes following Mikey's
down the small hallway to where Gerard's room was located.
"Same place as earlier, but he's been quiet for the past few minutes...he was
sobbing his heart out not too long ago, but now - nothing," Mikey scrubbed his
hands over his cheeks roughly, as if the motion could clear away the worry that
seemed permanently engraved onto his thin face. "I'm so sorry for dragging you
into this Frank, but I just need to make sure he is okay," Mikey sighed
heavily, his head drooping on his neck in a tired manner that spoke volumes
about his internal weariness.
"Don't apologize, I'm glad you called...I just hope Gerard feels the same way.
What - uh...do you know what happened to upset him so much?" Frank pried,
trying to gain some prior knowledge so he could approach Gerard with at least a
semblance of understanding.
"Not really....he was on the couch when I got home, crying softly to himself
and looking like absolute shit, but when I tried to ask him what was wrong, he
snapped. He overturned the coffee table, started tearing his hair out and
wailing about how 'they didn't work', he kept repeating that phrase over and
over again before he finally locked himself in his room. I think he might have
taken some pills, because he usually isn't this irrational, even when he is
drunk, but - uh..."
"What?" Frank snapped a bit harsher than he had intended to, but Mikey's
reluctance to speak was grating on his nerves, and Frank already felt a strong
force pulling him in the direction of Gerard's room that was getting harder to
ignore by the second.
"It's just - fuck...I don't want you to think any differently of Gerard, but he
has some mental instabilities, and you should probably be aware of that before
you try and talk to him."
"What do you mean?" Frank asked warily, a part of him hypothetically bouncing
on the balls of his feet at the prospect of learning more about his mysterious
boyfriend, but the other side of him that loved the illusion of the perfect man
he made Gerard out to be in his head was cringing at whatever he was going to
hear next.
"Well - he has clinical depression, but he rarely takes his medicine for it
anymore, says it makes him feel like shit, and he is a very emotional
person...one day he will be the happiest guy in the world, and the next second
something like this will happen. Just be careful Frank - he can get very angry
and aggressive, and I don't want you to get hurt," Mikey explained wearily, his
hands twisting together as he did his best to convey Gerard's mental state to
the confused Frank.
"He won't hurt me," Frank stated flatly, and Frank truly believed that, no
matter what condition Gerard may currently be in.
Deep down, Frank knew he should be slightly afraid of Gerard, especially given
the fact that his own brother was warning him to be exceptionally cautious, but
he couldn't find any fear within his heart - well, not fear of Gerard at least.
Frank was afraid of failing, afraid of not being able to pull Gerard out of
whatever mess was going on inside his head, but he wouldn't allow himself to
become leery of the man who had done nothing but be kind to Frank, and Frank
firmly believed that nothing would change that.
"I hope so, but Frank - I know I called you over, but if you can't calm him
down...if he starts panicking, just get out okay? I don't want anything to
happen to you, and I know Gerard doesn't either, he's just not himself right
now."
"I'll be fine," Frank assured Mikey, proving his point by allowing his feet to
pull him toward the closed door that Gerard was currently ensconced behind.
"Just call if you need me, I'll be in my room - Gerard won't be happy if he
finds out I'm listening in on your conversation." Frank waved his hand to show
that Mikey that he had heard him, waiting to speak to Gerard until the soft
click which signaled that Mikey had closed his bedroom door had faded away.
"Gerard...it's Frank - are you in there?" Frank called out in a low tone of
voice, pressing his ear against the wooden barrier that separated the two of
them in the hopes of catching any response that Gerard might utter, or even the
sounding of breathing so he would know that Gerard was okay at the very least.
Silence prevailed for a few moments, only the sound of Frank's lungs dragging
in oxygen breaking up the quiet, but just when Frank was about to speak again,
another voice reached his ear, and if he hadn't been flush with the door, he
might have missed it completely.
"Frank?" Gerard croaked weakly, and he didn't seem angry or hostile, at least
not from his tone; if anything, he sounded confused and weak, as if speaking
had taken the last ounce of strength he had possessed.
"Yeah - it's me, can you let me in?" Frank pressed, his hand coming up to rest
against the door without any conscious thought; it wasn't like Gerard could see
Frank through the grain, but it grounded Frank a bit, almost as if he touching
Gerard instead of a piece of wood.
"No," Gerard finally answered after an extended pause, the word ringing out
louder than before, but still quiet enough that Frank had to strain his ears to
pick up on the hushed sound.
"Please Gerard," Frank pleaded softly, his overtaxed body finally given out on
him, his knees shaking so much that Frank found himself sinking to the carpeted
floor slowly, his back pressed against the physical wall keeping him from
Gerard, but in a way, it was also metaphorical, because Gerard had built up so
many defensives around himself to keep everyone out, including Frank, and Frank
wasn't sure where to begin chiseling away so he could discover a route in.
"I -," a soft sob cut off Gerard's sentence, but it was quickly muffled, and
Gerard continued not long after that, "I don't want you to see me this way."
"Okay...that's fine, but can you at least talk to me for a bit?" Frank shoved
down his urge to demand Gerard to let him in, because he knew it wouldn't
convince Gerard to open the door, if anything, it could have a much more
detrimental effect. Gerard didn't appear to be upset with Frank's presence just
yet, but if Frank pushed him, he was well aware that Gerard could snap at any
moment, turning him into the dangerous person that Mikey had warned Frank
about.
"Just go home Frank," Gerard sighed, but Frank didn't miss the soft shuffling
behind the door, and if he wasn't mistaken, Gerard had crossed the room, and
the increased volume of his voice led Frank to believe that Gerard was now
leaning on the exact wall that Frank was huddled up against.
"I'm not going anywhere, I said I was going to be there for you, so I am, even
if it's has to be like this."
Frank's words were met with a strangled cry, and he could physically picture
Gerard covering his mouth as he tried to contain the sorrowful sounds that were
clawing their way out of his throat, the image causing a physical spike of pain
to erupt inside Frank's chest with its intensity, and fuck - all Frank wanted
to do was wrap Gerard in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be
okay, but Gerard had to allow him in first.
"Are you still there?" Gerard finally asked after an indeterminate amount of
time had passed, during which Frank had silently listened to Gerard stifled
sniffles and whimpers, trying his best to hold back his own tears that burned
at his eyes as if they were made of acid instead of salt water, and even though
Frank had been through plenty of shit in his short life, sitting there silently
while Gerard suffered was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do, and
fuck - it hurt more than Frank had ever imagined it would.
"Yeah, and I'm not going anywhere - okay?" Frank choked out, wiping away the
layer of liquid that had formed in-between his closed eyelids.
"Why?" Gerard's quizzical voice rang out once more, the tone slightly stronger
than it had been before, and Frank visibly perked up when he realized that
Gerard was standing very near to the locked door that was preventing him access
to the one place he wanted to be most.
"Because I care, and I don't want you to be alone right now, so I'm going to
stay here until you fall asleep or you let me in," Frank shrugged slightly,
even though Gerard obviously couldn't see the gesture from his current vantage
point.
"I thought you had work in the morning," Gerard brought up the lie Frank had
fed to his boyfriend to explain why he couldn't come over tonight in the first
place, not wanting to tell Gerard that classes had started up again, even
though he could have fabricated a story about being at college instead of high
school, but knowing Gerard, he would ask a plethora of questions that Frank
wouldn't be able to answer, so he had opted for the safer lie instead.
"I do, but I don't give a shit...you come first Gerard - always." Frank's hopes
began to flutter slightly as he sat up straighter against the scratchy
wallpaper, because this was the longest conversation they had managed to
maintain all night, which could only be a good sign - right?
But Frank's positive thoughts quickly began to deflate when Gerard didn't
answer, causing Frank to frantically wrack his brain for something else to say
that would convince Gerard to continue speaking, but he was coming up blank.
Gerard was fragile right now, almost like a temperamental child that refused to
listen to their parent's reasoning, and Frank had to tread delicately to avoid
eliciting a negative response, because if that happened, all hopes of Gerard
letting him in would be lost.
But just when Frank was convinced that Gerard had completely shut down once
more, both mentally and physically, it was only a few seconds later when the
sound Frank had been dying to hear resounded much louder throughout the short
hallway than it should have, because it was only a small click, a turning of
metal that most people wouldn't have payed any mind to if they hadn't been so
desperately awaiting its arrival, but Frank did, because that was the sound of
Gerard unlocking his door.
Frank's first instinct was to grab the brass handle and immediately rush inside
to comfort Gerard, but he forced himself to stay where he was, determined to
make sure that this was what Gerard actually wanted, because this could all be
some sort of test - that seemed like something Gerard would do, and Frank had
to pass this trial if he wanted to help Gerard.
"Can I come in?" Frank asked softly, his voice shaking as he waited for the
answer to his simple question, but it wasn't really simple, not at all - in
fact, the response Frank received meant everything to him.
"Yes."
Frank never knew one word could bring such an intense rush of relief, but
honestly - he didn't know he could feel half of the emotions that Gerard had
been the cause of lately, so Frank pushed through the overwhelming sensation,
slowly hefting himself to his feet as he approached the door that had been his
main nemesis all evening on trembling limbs.
Frank wasn't sure what he was expecting to find when he entered the small room,
maybe a disaster zone, with furniture tossed haphazardly here and there, or
maybe even blood from whatever Gerard may or may not have done to himself, so
he was surprised to find the place almost exactly how it had appeared the last
time he was there - slightly disheveled of course, but unchanged, and that fact
calmed Frank immensely, because this room had been a place of safety for Frank
over the past few weeks, and he was glad to discover that it's appearance
hadn't been altered at all.
Frank didn't immediately spot Gerard, it was only when he turned to his left
that he glimpsed the dark haired man curdled up on the ground, just like Frank
had been earlier, his arms wrapped around his knees as he shifted back and
forth slowly, his eyes fixated on the slightly off color carpet instead of at
Frank.
Frank thought he had been prepared for this, he had steeled himself to be met
with a very different person than the typical Gerard he knew, but fuck - Gerard
looked horrible; his hair tousled and greasy, his clothing stained and rumpled,
his usually sparkling eyes dull and dead, and that was what scared Frank the
most, because Gerard always seemed so alive, and this shell of a person barely
resembled the vibrant man that Frank had become so accustomed to.
Frank made sure to close the door firmly behind him, not wanting to make Gerard
feel any more exposed than he already was, and it was only then that Frank took
the few short steps to Gerard's side, sinking down beside him gingerly as
Gerard continued to ignore his existence.
"Thank you," Frank whispered, his hand coming up to push Gerard's lanky hair
back from his face with a gentle touch, revealing Gerard's red eyes and tear
stained cheeks to Frank's probing gaze.
Gerard simply shook his head from side to side, obviously too busy trying to
contain his sorrow to have any energy left to waste on speaking, but Frank
didn't want that, Frank wanted Gerard to let go, to break down, because now
Frank was here, and he could help Gerard piece himself back together after
whatever this was had passed.
"Come here," Frank offered, his hands moving from Gerard's scalp to his
shoulders, a soft tug showing Gerard that it was okay to lean on Frank, but
Gerard took it a step further, his body collapsing limply into Frank's lap as
one of the cries he had been holding back broke free from his tightly pressed
lips in the form of a quiet wail. "It's okay Gerard...I'm here, I've got you,"
Frank whispered, his arms coming up to wrap around Gerard's shuddering frame as
he began to cry, his body flinching with each tear as if the act was causing
him serious agony.
Frank took advantage of Gerard's current position to run his hands lightly over
Gerard's exposed wrists, making sure that no new markings had been added to the
pale skin, but Frank's search came up empty - thank fuck for that, and even
though Frank couldn't see Gerard's legs, the light colored sweat pants covering
him didn't bear any obvious blood stains, and Frank was mostly convinced that
Gerard hadn't taken a blade to himself tonight. 
"I hate this Frank...make it stop, they were supposed to work, but they didn't,
they were supposed to fucking work," Gerard choked out, his sentence emerging
in a garbled fashion thanks to the heaving breaths and soft whimpers that
interspersed every other word.
"What didn't work...?" Frank asked delicately, terrified that even the smallest
question would send Gerard over the edge, because so far, Frank hadn't pressed
Gerard on anything, he hadn't even tried to discover what was causing Gerard's
misery in the first place for fear of Gerard becoming angry with him, but this
query couldn't remain unanswered; Frank had to know if Gerard had taken
something - ordone something that would be detrimental to his health.
"The pills...I - I don't like taking them, but I needed them, and they - I'm
still fucked up Frank, but I'm trying so hard not to do anything stupid,
but..." Gerard trailed off into another round of sobs, burying his face against
Frank's t-shirt, his hands clutching tightly to the rapidly dampening fabric as
Frank tried his best not to instantly panic, but he had good reason to.
Gerard was obviously in no condition to explain himself any further than he
already had, so it was up to Frank to decide what to next. Frank had spied what
seemed to be a prescription of anti-depressants pills in Gerard's medicine
cabinet the other morning when he was using his bathroom, but he wasn't alarmed
by their presence, even though he hadn't been one hundred percent certain if
they had been Gerard's or his brother's, but Mikey's explanation had cleared up
that question for him.
Frank knew numerous people who took similar substances, his own mother had been
put on them after his father had fucked off with his lover to who the hell
knows where, but depending on how many Gerard had consumed, he could be in
serious danger of an overdose, especially if he had combined the pills with
alcohol.
"Gerard...can you look at me - I need to know how many you took, does your
stomach hurt?" Frank pleaded, his hands fluttering helplessly by his side as he
attempted to calm Gerard enough for him to speak clearly.
"I - I don't remember, not too many...but I already threw up earlier just to be
safe," Gerard whimpered quietly.
"Okay - fuck...please tell me if you start to feel sick," Frank exhaled
heavily, arguing with himself over if he should trust Gerard's judgement of his
condition, or if he should play it safe and call an ambulance despite Gerard's
reassurances.
But after a quick internal debate, Frank's phone stayed in his pocket, even
though it was extremely stupid of him, and if he truly cared about Gerard, he
would have put his health first, but Frank knew that in doing so, he would lose
Gerard's trust, and the ramifications of that had Frank discarding any notions
of seeking medical attention at the moment, because he couldn't betray Gerard
in that way - he just couldn't, and he knew Gerard would see it as such, no
matter how good Frank's intentions were.
"I will," Gerard promised, peeling himself up from Frank's lap delicately as he
spoke, his red rimmed eyes unclouded and filled with honesty, which settled the
twisting sensation in Frank's stomach a small fraction.
"Do you want to lie down in bed instead of the floor," Frank offered, taking
advantage of the lull in Gerard's internal pain to heave him up to a standing
position, leading him over to the other side of the room when Gerard nodded
slowly in agreement.
Frank helped Gerard get comfortable, pulling back the array of blankets strewn
across the mattress and tucking them around his boyfriend once he was
underneath them before tossing off his shoes and climbing in with him, his arms
instantly wrapping around Gerard in a protective gesture that Gerard melted
into appreciatively.
"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Frank ventured to ask when it appeared
that Gerard had calmed down considerably; his breathing was no longer ragged,
and his tears were absent for the time being, hoping that he hadn't made a
mistake by prying into the root of the problem too soon.
"I - it's hard to explain," Gerard exhaled heavily, his eyes widening slightly
as if he pleading for Frank to understand his turmoil without forcing him to
voice the words, but Frank wasn't a mind reader, and he needed to discover what
had happened, even though a part of him was tempted to spare Gerard from
regurgitating the details of whatever had put him in such a state to shield him
from experiencing any more pain.
"Is it something I can help you with, is there anything I can do to make it
better?" Frank changed his line of interrogation, because in the end, it didn't
really matter what the catalyst had been, not as long as Frank found a solution
to it.
"No...it's just - fuck, it doesn't even make sense, and you are going to think
I'm pathetic, but it's just life, and my head...everything is changing, and I
hate it. It's too much, but yet not enough, and I can't -" Gerard cut himself
off with an angry shake of his head, his tears renewing themselves once more,
cascading down his raw cheeks in heavy torrents as Gerard did his best to wipe
them away.
Frank shushed Gerard gently, shifting their bodies back and forth slowly in
what he hoped was a comforting gesture, and even though Frank was well aware
that there was obviously much more to the story of whatever had upset Gerard to
such a large degree, he didn't pry any further, because Gerard was hurting, and
that was all the knowledge Frank needed to ascertain, now he just had to find a
way to ease his pain.
"Oh Gerard, please don't cry," Frank whispered, lowering his head down with the
intention of placing a soft kiss on Gerard's forehead, but Gerard caught him
off guard by surging forward suddenly, capturing his lips in a fierce kiss that
had Frank falling back against the mattress with the force of it.
This kiss was different to the others they had shared, because once again,
Gerard had switched positions with Frank, because it was always Frank that
pushed himself on Gerard with a sense of desperation, with tears brimming
behind his closed eyes lids, with limbs shaking with need and release, but not
this time - now it was Gerard who was kissing Frank like he would die without
him, and it was Frank who let him, Frank who tasted the bitterness and despair
that Gerard was trying so hard to hide.
Frank kissed Gerard back for a few moments, their tongues dancing together as
Gerard deepened the pressure on Frank's mouth with each passing second, but
when Gerard's hand snaked it's way downward, palming Frank's crotch roughly,
casing him to emit a soft moan, Frank did something that he never thought
possible; he gently grabbed Gerard's wrists before he could begin working on
the buckle of his belt, bringing them back up to his mouth gently and pressing
his lips against the protruding knuckles, effectively halting Gerard's attempts
at disrobing him.
"Do...do you not want me?" Gerard choked out, his eyes watering as he gazed at
Frank with a confused expression laced with pain, and Frank felt so fucking
guilty for rejecting Gerard, but he had already made enough stupid decisions
tonight, and for once, he was going to do what's was right instead of what was
easiest.
"That's not it Gerard -believe me, I always want you, but I don't think you
want this, not right now," Frank choked out, trying to ignore the way Gerard's
hot breath was hitting his sensitive neck as he panted above Frank.
"But...but I do," Gerard protested, the puzzlement in his expression overtaking
the hurt it had been warring with for the past few seconds.
"Gerard - I know what you are doing, because I do it all the time, so trust me
when I say that this isn't a good idea. You are trying to bury you feelings
with sex, and yes - it can work, but not unless you give up control completely,
and I can't let you do that," Frank tried to reason with Gerard, hoping he
would understand what he meant and why this would end up hurting him more than
helping in the end.
Because as much as Frank wanted to allow Gerard to use his body to forget about
his problems for a short while, Gerard was always so composed during sex, so
self-assured, and even though Gerard may have convinced himself that he wanted
to let all of that go in a desperate bid to alleviate whatever was plaguing him
- Frank knew Gerard, and he knew this wasn't like him, no matter how different
he may be acting in this moment.
And not only that, but Frank didn't trust himself with being put in a position
which held such power, even though he would never do anything to hurt Gerard on
purpose, and he wasn't necessarily talking about topping Gerard, because you
didn't have to bottom to give yourself to another person, although that was
what Frank usually chose to do, but there were other ways to wound someone
besides for physically, especially when they lost themselves in you completely
when they were in such a fragile state, and Frank wasn't sure if he would be
able to guide Gerard back if that happened.
Frank was always the weak one, the one who looked to others to take him away,
to use him and push him until he forgot what had upset him so much in the first
place, and Frank knew from experience that it could end badly if you placed
yourself in the hands of someone who didn't care, or was inexperienced, and
even though Frank cared about Gerard - he cared so fucking much, he wasn't
ready to do this, and neither was Gerard, no matter what Gerard might think,
because right now, Frank was the responsible adult, not Gerard, and it was up
to Frank to prevent Gerard from doing something he would regret in the morning.
"I just want it to stop Frank...I hate this, my head - it won't fucking shut
up," Gerard whimpered softly, his body collapsing limply onto the bed as he
spoke, all the early vitality draining out of him just as quickly as it had
come.
"What do you want me to do Gerard?" Frank asked, tracing a line over Gerard's
forehead with the tip of his index finger as if that could draw out the
troubling thoughts that refused to let Gerard have any peace.
"Stay with me, talk to me, keep touching me..." Gerard sighed, leaning into
Frank's hand eagerly as Frank's digit moved lower, following the sharp curve of
Gerard's cheekbone which was still slightly damp with tears.
"I will - I promise." Frank punctuated his words with a kiss, his lips
imitating the path his finger had made over Gerard's skin until he reached his
mouth, keeping his movements light and gentle, making sure his actions stayed
sweet and innocent instead of the feverish embrace which he and Gerard had
taken part in only moments earlier.
"Thank you," Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank as soon he pulled away,
bringing Frank as close to his body as possible without actually dragging Frank
on top of him.
"It's going to be okay Gerard, I'm here, just close your eyes...everything will
be better in the morning," Frank murmured, stroking Gerard's hair gently as
Gerard lids fluttered shut reluctantly.
Frank continued to ramble about whatever came into his head until Gerard's
breathing evened out and his head lolled against Frank's shoulder, his tense
muscles relaxing under Frank's wandering fingers, but his arms didn't loosen
their hold around Frank's torso, so instead of sneaking out like he had
originally planned on doing, Frank simply settled down against the pillows,
trying to make himself as comfortable as possible so he could get a few hours
of sleep before he would have to hurry back home to avoid arriving after his
mother was awake.
Frank's eyes popped back open when he heard a soft knock at the door to
Gerard's room, holding a finger to his lips when Mikey poked his head inside, a
smile crossing his face when he took in the sight of his sleeping brother.
"He's okay?" Mikey asked softly, keeping his voice as low as possible so he
wouldn't wake Gerard.
"Yeah...I think so," Frank nodded in response, his eyes flicking down towards
Gerard's slumbering figure just to make sure that nothing had changed with
Gerard's condition in the last thirty seconds.
"I don't know how you did it Frank, but thank you...I hate to think about what
would have happened if you didn't show up when you did."
"Thank you for calling me, I'm glad I was able to help," Frank responded
sincerely, because as much as it had hurt him to witness Gerard in so much
pain, Frank felt as if this entire experience had brought them even closer
together, and to Frank at least, it had felt so fucking good to finally repay
Gerard for all the times he had pulled Frank back from the edge of despair,
whether it was intentional or not on Gerard's part, and now Frank believed that
he was on more even footing with Gerard, even though Frank was convinced that
he would never quite reach his level.
"Of course," Mikey grinned again, the expression erasing some of his earlier
weariness with its intensity. "I'll leave you guys be now," Mikey waved his
hand awkwardly, backing out of the room as quickly as he had come.
As soon as Mikey was out of sight, Frank snuggled back down again, making sure
not to disturb Gerard with his movements, which was slightly difficult since
Gerard was basically using him as a human pillow, but Frank managed it, his own
eyes drifting shut almost as soon as his head hit the mattress, because this
entire night had been both mentally and physically exhausting, and the sleep
that had been eluding Frank all evening had finally found him, dragging him
under as the sound of Gerard's even breathing played in the background like a
lullaby.
***** Why Couldn't This Be A Dream Where Frank Came To School In His Underwear
*****
Frank awoke to the muffled sound of the alarm on his phone, his numb fingers
fumbling to shut it off before the harsh ringtone disturbed Gerard, who was
still in the same position he had been last night, curled around Frank like an
affectionate octopus, all of their limbs entangled together in one way or
another, and although Frank adored how Gerard always wanted to be touching him,
even in his sleep, it did make it very difficult to reach his phone, much less
get out of bed.
And really, the last thing Frank wanted to do right now was leave Gerard's
side, all of his muscles were screaming at him to close his eyes and lay his
head back down on Gerard's chest, the temptation to forget about school for
just one day almost winning out over the responsible side of Frank, and for a
few minutes, he truly considered saying'fuck everything' and wasting away the
morning with Gerard.
Frank would never get tired of this simple act, of having Gerard's warm body
pressed snugly against his side, of feeling his soft breath caressing his skin,
of the way he looked so innocent - so young when he slept, and for a little
while, Frank could pretend that they were a typical couple, and there was no
lies or deceit hanging in-between them, that they were the same age, and Frank
had parents who accepted him for who he was, people he could bring Gerard home
to and show off his new boyfriend proudly.
As Frank's mind spun through this ridiculous fantasy, he found his eyes
drifting shut again, the hand that he had painstakingly freed from under
Gerard's spine making its way to Gerard's hair, stroking it slowly, but as
close as Frank was to surrendering to oblivion once more, Frank's conscience
wouldn't let him, the soft voice continuing to hassle him until he had no
choice but to give in, because despite how much Frank would love to ignore all
of his other responsibilities in favor of Gerard, he needed to break this
dependent habit if he ever had a chance to pass his senior year.
But even the matter of graduating wasn't quite enough to get Frank in motion,
no - it took the thought of his mother to finally have Frank slowly attempting
to remove himself from Gerard's tight hold without waking him up, because Frank
couldn't stand to face her disappointment if she discovered he had missed out
on his first day, and shewould find out; his school was not very lenient with
unexplained absences, and they did more than just leave a message on the
answering machine to inform the parents that their child hadn't attended school
that day.
And no matter what mood Frank's mother was in, he knew that his truancy would
hurt her, because education was very important to Frank's mother, that was why
she enrolled him in a private school in the first place, and Frank didn't want
to find out what her reaction would be if he skipped for the first time ever,
not to mention he would have to think of an excuse for where he had decided to
spend his day that didn't involve Gerard, and he couldn't keep using Pete as he
scapegoat, it wasn't fair, and it would be too easy for her to call up Pete's
parents and find out that he had been in class all day and Frank hadn't come by
at all.
So with a heavy sigh that seemed to come from his toes, Frank finished
extricating himself from Gerard, pausing for a moment once he was free to make
sure that Gerard wasn't going to stir; Gerard needed his rest after his
breakdown last night, and Frank hoped he slept late enough that Frank could
sneak back to his apartment once classes were over and they could pick up where
they left off before Gerard ever realized he was gone.
Frank stomach twisted at he gazed down at his oblivious boyfriend, because
honestly, Frank felt guilty about leaving Gerard like this, even though he had
a good reason, there was still school, and his mother to think of, no matter
the fact that Gerard consumed ninety-nine percent of his mind, and as much as
Frank wished that his world consisted of only Gerard - itdidn't, and Frank knew
that, but he also felt terrible for skipping out on Gerard without making sure
he was going to be okay.
Because yes - Gerard had seemed better last night once Frank had calmed him
down, but that could have just been exhaustion overtaking him; it wasn't as if
Frank had discovered the source of what had truly caused Gerard to fall apart
in the first place, and what if he awoke feeling just as awful as he had last
night - or worse, what if Mikey wasn't there to console him, what if Gerard
hurt himself when he found himself alone once again?
Frank wasn't used to this foreign feeling, he had never had someone to care
about before - not likethis, and he was so terrified of fucking things up and
losing Gerard because he hadn't done the right thing, becausefuck - what if
Gerard wasn't here when Frank got back; Frank had no true reason to think that
would be the case, becauseyes - Gerard had been in a bad state last night, and
he had taken pills, but he hadn't hurt himself, and he had reached out to
Frank, so if Frank was thinking rationally, he would come to the conclusion
that Gerard would be fine for the next eight hours or so.
But Frank didn't think when Gerard was concerned, hefelt - he felt so many
things all at once, and Frank was never one to let emotions rule his decisions,
he always kept everything carefully tucked away, only allowing them to bubble
to the surface when he had downed a bottle of alcohol and he was completely
secluded from everyone and everything, but then Gerard had reminded Frank that
it was okay to let things out, because Gerard would fix it better than any
brand of liquor ever could, and he didn't just bandage up Frank's internal
wounds, he stitched them back together again, giving Frank a chance to heal as
long as the delicate thread was allowed to do its job.
And Frank wanted to be that cure for Gerard, and last night, he had thought he
was, but now he was doubting himself - he was doubting everything, even his
decision to go to school, because hadn't he said last night that Gerard was the
most important thing in the world, and shouldn't that mean that his mental
health came before Frank's education, but at the same time, could Frank really
be so careless as to risk everything, could he place his meticulously
constructed tower of lies on such a shaky foundation by blowing off the one
thing his mother was certain to notice if he didn't attend?
Frank didn't know what to do, because Gerard did come first - always, but Frank
could be overreacting again; Gerard could wake up and be fine, and he would
tease Frank for skipping what he thought was work to stay with him, or maybe he
would even react negatively to all the attention, maybe he was similar to Frank
in that aspect, and he wouldn't want someone to hover over him when he was
upset, maybe he would want to pretend like last night had never happened, which
would leave Frank filled with regret if he did choose to abandon school just to
have Gerard act in that fashion.
Fuck - Frank's brain was twisted up in knots now, and it all came down to the
fact that he was clueless about how Gerard would feel when he woke up, tempting
Frank to shake him into consciousness so he could try to gauge his mood before
making his decision, but Frank had just told himself earlier that Gerard needed
his sleep, and honestly - Gerard had probably suffered through numerous nights
like this before alone, and even though Frank never wanted him to experience
that again, Gerard was strong, and he would be okay - right?
So as much as it hurt Frank to admit it, he had to accept that he couldn't be
with Gerard every hour of every day, and he had to trust Gerard to pull through
on his own when Frank wasn't there, but still - Frank was scared, sofucking
scared of losing Gerard; the fear had been growing in his chest ever since he
discovered the fact that Gerard used to self-harm, and the emotional evening
they had spent together had only fed his gnawing worry, becauseyes - nothing
bad had happened this time, but what if Frank hadn't heard Mikey's phone call,
how would the night have ended up if Gerard didn't let him in - god, there was
so many what ifs that Frank really didn't want to know the answer to.
But in the end, Frank knew he had to leave, because as much as he loved Gerard,
he couldn't constantly keep one eye on him like an overprotective mother, that
wasn't healthy for either of them, and Frank highly doubted that Gerard would
appreciate being placed on unofficial suicide watch by his boyfriend; that
wouldn't be fair to him, even if it would ease the gnawing pit of dread
churning in Frank's gut like an out of control serpent.
If Gerard began spiraling again, hopefully he or Mikey would call him; Frank
even left a note on Gerard's dressing asking him to do just that if he needed
anything, explaining that he had to go to'work', but he would be back sometime
after four in the afternoon if Gerard wanted him to be.
So after pressing a feather light kiss to Gerard's forehead, Frank forced
himself to turn away, quietly slipping his shoes on before exiting the
apartment on silent feet, breaking into a light jog as soon as the fresh air
hit his face in the hopes of arriving home before his mother woke up and
noticed the fact that Frank wasn't in his room like he was supposed to be.
~~~
By the time Frank made his way to school, his lack of sleep had already caught
up with him, rendering the three cups of coffee he had consumed earlier
absolutely useless, his eyes burning and his steps dragging, as if his body was
trying to convince him to just give up and lay down on the sidewalk instead of
attempting to make it through what would most likely be a day of pointless
introductions and no actual work, but Frank pushed onward, running a hand
through his hair as he entered the doorway of the large building to begin his
final year at this hated place.
Frank had made it home before his mother was up and about,actually - he ended
up having to gently shake her awake so she could start getting ready for work;
she hadn't stirred by the time he had finished preparing himself for school,
but once he got her out of bed, she seemed relatively fine, hugging him goodbye
before Frank began the long walk he chose to make instead of waiting for the
bus, and if Frank ignored his mother's vacant expression, he could almost
pretend like everything was normal, and in the case of his mother's oddities,
it actually was a relatively good day for her.
And maybe Frank was just looking too hard to try and find a problem, because
just because his mother had been in a daze didn't mean anything; she was
probably just tired - god knows what Frank looked like after his mere three
hours of sleep, so he had forced himself to shrug off the lingering worry that
ate at his heart while he practically led his mother through her morning
routine, because it wasnothing, at least, that was what Frank was trying his
hardest to convince himself of, and he considered any day a win when his mother
recognized him.
Frank shook his head groggily, trying to dispel his lingering worries about his
mother, and Gerard, and if he was going to be able to maintain consciousness
long enough to be counted present in all of his classes, because Frank had
dealt with worse than this before, and in a few hopefully short hours, he could
return to Gerard's side, where all of his problems instantly seemed to melt
away like ice presented with a blazing flame. 
Everyone else clogging up the hallways seemed to be in a similar state as
Frank, groggy and delirious as they did their best to open the metal lockers
that seemed just as reluctant to face the day as their human owners, the early
hour agreeing with no one except for the chipper teachers that Frank was half
convinced were on drugs, because there was no other feasible explanation for
how someone could be so damn happy at seven-thirty in the morning.
Frank made his way to his own locker unmolested much to his relief, giving him
some hope that maybe his fellow classmates had finally gotten tired of teasing
the short boy with the gay father who had abandoned his family in such a
scandalous way, or maybe everyone was just too tired to put in the energy
involved to throw a few hurtful insults his way.
Whatever the case, Frank enjoyed the respite, because as much as he told
himself that he didn't care what people said, or thought, or what rumors they
spread behind his back - he did, and it really fucking hurt, so he was relieved
that he didn't have to try and present a strong facade while he was literally
half dead on his feet from exhaustion.
Frank was correct in his guess about the material they would cover in his
lessons, which was the typical first day 'let's get to know you' bullshit that
Frank thought would have been retired by his senior year - seriously, they had
been in this hell hole for long enough now to know all of the teachers and most
of the students, so was it really necessary to start his English period with a
fucking worksheet about himself?
Reverting to his usual coping method for making it through things he absolutely
detested, Frank let his mind wander for most of the morning, halfheartedly
participating whenever he happened to be called on by a teacher, then instantly
zoning out whenever the attention was removed from him, pulling out his phone
at random intervals to see if Gerard had texted him, but he had received
nothing so far, and he hoped that meant that his boyfriend was still fast
asleep.
There was only one incident when Frank's economics teacher forced them to work
in pairs for their pointless activity of the day, causing a stir when his
classmates realized that someone would have to be partners with Frank, one
person even shouting out that 'Frank should work alone so no one will be at
risk of catching the gay off of him', and even though Frank had heard similar
slurs numerous times before, it still stung, his fists clenching underneath the
desk as he did his best to ignore everyone and pretend like it didn't matter to
him either way.
The teacher eventually forced a transfer student to work with Frank, a kind
dark haired girl with a unique name that Frank couldn't quite remember,
something that sounded like Jamie maybe, and even though she was initially
nervous as she took the empty seat next to Frank, she didn't hurl gay jokes at
him, and they quickly finished their work without any trouble.
Somehow, Frank made it to his last class of the day without falling asleep,
which he felt like he deserved a medal for - actually, more like a fucking
parade, with a marching band, and fireworks, and everything for this
accomplishment, but in forty minutes, Frank would hopefully be back in Gerard's
arms, which was a better reward than all of the previously mentioned prizes by
far.
Frank got lost numerous times on the way to his final period, which happened to
be music theory, partially because his eyelids refused to stay open for more
than five seconds at a time, but also because Frank had never spent much time
in the fine arts department before; he was only taking this class because he
was required to have at least one credit in a creative area for his transcript
to meet the graduation requirements, and band wasn't something you just jumped
into, choir was out as well since Frank wouldn't sing in front of people even
if you payed him, so music theory was his only option, and it didn't sound so
bad.
Frank was interested in music, he just didn't have the time to explore or
pursue it, even though he and Pete had harbored dreams of being in a band about
a year ago before reality had sunk in, and they realized that their efforts
were pointless and would get them nowhere in the long run.
After endless minutes of wandering, during which Frank was shoved into the wall
of lockers once or twice, mutters involving things like'move out of the way
gay', or 'homos out of the hallway' stinging his ear occasionally until Frank
reached the correct room, a sigh of relief escaping his lips as he pushed open
the wooden door, the prospect of his day at school being so close to its finale
filling his body with a much welcomed surge of energy.
But his casual exhale quickly turned into a startled exclamation of shock when
his eyes fell on the teacher who was standing up by the blackboard; he had been
attempting to take roll before Frank interrupted him, which meant that Frank
was later than he thought, but he didn't really give a flying fuck about that
at the moment, becauseGerard was here - Gerard was calling students name's with
an exhausted expression on his face, his typical casual attire replaced by slim
trousers and a fitted waist coat that did wonders for Gerard's body, not that
Frank could focus on how hot his boyfriend looked right now when he was too
busy having a mental breakdown trying to figure out why he was at his school in
the first place.
"Frank?" Gerard whispered, Frank only knowing he had spoken because of the
familiar movement of his lips, the word not reaching Frank's ear over the
chatter of the other students who were completely ignoring Gerard and Frank at
the moment in favor of their mind numbing conversations about how their summer
break had been, which was a very good thing, or someone might have been able to
sense the awkward tension bubbling up between the two like a frothing sea.
Frank remained frozen in the doorway, his heart beating out of his chest as his
mouth hung open unattractively, his mind trying to catch hold of one of the
thousands of questions that were currently pricking at his brain painfully,
each new inquiry stinging like a white hot needle, but he couldn't seem to get
past the fact that this wasGerard standing in front of him - Gerard was
apparently his teacher, andfuck - this was the worst possible event that could
ever happen to Frank, or so it seemed to the distraught teenager at the moment,
and it most certainly had been the last thing he had expected to occur when he
left Gerard sleeping so peacefully this morning.
This couldn't be real, this had to be a hallucination, or a vivid dream, one of
those 'holy shit - I turned up to school in my underwear' nightmares that every
child had at least once in their life, except this one had the mature twist of
'I'm fucking an older man, which was already pretty messed up, but now he is my
teacher', which was much more unique, but also extremely mortifying, and Frank
would gladly have walked into class naked if it meant that Gerard wouldn't have
been here.
Seriously - how did Frank not know that Gerard was a teacher, he was sure he
would have remembered that major detail if it was ever mentioned, and yes -
Frank had never specifically asked what Gerard did for a living, but he assumed
that he was surviving off his funds from the band given the way Gerard never
seemed busy, and he was always available at all times of the night or day, but
now Frank knew the truth, but even so - why did Gerard pick this school, this
stupid, private, Catholic school that would probably bathe Gerard in holy water
if they knew he was gay, fuck knows what they would resort to if they
discovered that he was fucking a minor as well, and it wasn't as if this was
the only school in the area, the main public school was much closer to his
apartment, so why couldn't Gerard have searched for employment there?
None of these questions were helping Frank understand Gerard's presence though,
and he would never get any answers until he actually spoke with Gerard, but he
had to make it through this class first before he was able to get his boyfriend
alone;still - that knowledge didn't stop Frank from repeating the endless
mantra of inquires over and over again in his fucked up head, his skull aching
as if the new information was causing his grey matter to swell, pushing against
the hard bone surrounding it in search of some relief, of a way out, or
something -anything.
Frank's emotions were going haywire as his eyes trailed up and down Gerard's
stiff body; he hadn't felt this powerful cocktail of hurt and confusion since
his father had left him so long ago, but now he was reminded of exactly how
horrendous that experience had been, and in a convoluted way, Frank related
this moment to that old memory he rarely drug up, because his father wasn't
supposed to abandon his family, he wasn't supposed to vanish without a trace,
but he had, and now Gerard was betraying Frank's trust in a similar fashion.
Not that Frank truly believed that Gerard had meant to hurt Frank when he took
this job, that was just ridiculous, and Frank could tell by the expression on
Gerard's face that he had been clueless about the fact that Frank attended this
school, but still - Gerard was supposed to be the embodiment of all things good
in Frank's life, he was supposed to be the one person that Frank could turn to
when he needed to get away, and now that facade was ruined because of Gerard's
involvement in Frank's scholastic career, and Frank wasn't sure if things could
ever go back to the way they were before, no matter how badly he desired them
to.
Frank wasn't sure how long he stood there, his limbs frozen in horror as his
brain scrambled to process how truly fucked Frank was, attempting to think of a
logical way to explain his presence in this class to his boyfriend, but it was
too late, there was nothing Frank could do to save himself now, it was all up
to Gerard, and his reaction to this newfound information about his boyfriend.
And Frank knew this was going to happen eventually, it was inevitable that
Gerard would discover Frank's age one way or another, either by Frank finally
telling him, which honestly wasn't likely, or by some unfortunate slip of the
tongue that Frank wouldn't be able to pass off, but it wasn't supposed to be
like this: not this sudden, not in such an unfair manner, not with such an
impossible chance of ever making things right again.
Frank swayed unsteadily as the full weight of Gerard being his teacher and
everything that entailed crashed down onto his shoulders, his stomach roiling
violently as his body physically reacted to the stress, and despair, and terror
that Frank was currently experiencing, but Frank couldn't fall apart here,
making a scene would only bring more eyes to him, making his private melt down
into a public affair; people were already beginning to shoot him questioning
glances out of the corner of their eyes, and Frank wasn't quite sure how he
would explain his adverse reaction to seeing Gerard without giving everything
away if people started inquiring about it.
For one moment, Gerard appeared just as flabbergasted as Frank felt, but he
quickly pulled his teacher persona back into place, hiding his shock, and his
confusion, and worst of all - his pain behind that glassy eyed expression that
Frank had grown to hate, his body turning away from where Frank still stood
like an idiot in the doorway before rapping his knuckles against the desk, a
surprisingly loud sound emitting from the faded wood, instantly causing the
class to shut their mouths and slap on their most innocent faces as if that
would make Gerard forgot about their loud conversations that had been taking
place not five seconds ago.
"If you would all please sit down and kindly shut up so I can finish taking
roll," Gerard spoke up loudly, his voice shaking slightly, but Frank was
probably the only one who noticed, drawing the attention of the class back to
him, leaving Frank to awkwardly scuttle into a seat in the back row despite the
strong desire to bolt that rose up within him, keeping his head down, but his
eyes remained discreetly glued to Gerard the entire time.
As Gerard continued to call out names, Frank did his best to regulate his
erratic breathing, but it wasn't working - fuck, Frank felt as if he was on the
verge of a panic attack, which was not something he had experienced very often,
but he still remembered the horrors of the few he had been through directly
after his father had disappeared from his life.
"Frank Iero." Gerard's voice brought Frank's head up from where it had been
leaning against his chest, his hand raising into the air halfheartedly to let
Gerard - no - Mr. Way know that he was here, and even though Gerard immediately
looked away after giving Frank a curt nod, just the small glimpse of his hazel
eyes had Frank sucking in a deep breath, his mind automatically associating
Gerard with calmness, even though he was the cause of Frank's distress at the
moment.
"Hey - someone finally said the fag's name right," someone chuckled cruelly;
Frank didn't even bother to look up to ascertain who had spoken, and it was
true, every teacher so far had botched the way his last name was supposed to be
pronounced, but of course Gerard wouldn't, because he knew so much more about
Frank than he should have.
"Why yes I did - I happen to have Italian roots, which is where the name Iero
comes from, and I also have a strong hatred for the word fag," Gerard shuddered
slightly to exhibit his disgust for being forced to voice the term as he spoke,
"so if you don't want to spend the rest of the school year serving detentions
with me every afternoon, I suggest that you erase that particular slur from
your vocabulary entirely," Gerard remarked calmly, startling the entire class
by calling out whoever had decided to tease Frank for the day, because even
though teachers had stepped in before, it was usually just a unenthusiastic
'quiet down', not a full scale defense.
Frank found himself smiling weakly despite the horrendous situation he found
himself in, because Gerard was doing his best to protect him, even though it
would probably backfire in the end, earning Frank the name of'teacher's pet',
which he really needed to avoid, especially given the fact that he was quite a
bit more than that to Gerard, but still - Gerard's willingness to ruin his
reputation with his class on the first day had Frank relaxing slightly, his
eyes trying to meet Gerard's so he could convey a silent thank you to his
boyfriend, but Gerard refused to meet his gaze.
Frank's positive outlook quickly dissipated as Gerard continued roll call where
he had left off, leaving Frank with nothing to do but try and think of a way to
salvage his relationship with Gerard, because this was bad - really fucking
bad, illegal actually, even though their situation had already been classified
as that before given Frank's age, but now that Gerard was his teacher, it made
this entire mess a thousand times worse.
Gerard might be willing to look past the fact that Frank was seventeen - if
Frank ever got around to telling him that is, butthis - this wasn't something
that was so easily ignored; Gerard could get fired if his relationship with
Frank was ever brought to light, he could go to jail, or worse - at least in
Frank's fucked up mind, Gerard could break up with him, he could cut Frank off
before anyone found out that he had been dating a minor, minimizing the damage
their short dalliance might cause to his life, destroying Frank's in the
process, because even though Frank hadn't been with Gerard for very long,
Gerard was alreadyeverything to him, and his loss would leave Frank with
nothing left, it would push him down the last few steps of the rickety
staircase that Frank had been balancing himself on for years with nothing but
endless despair awaiting him at the bottom.
"Okay - so now that I know all of your names, let's get on with the class,"
Gerard smiled weakly, rubbing his hands together in a way that Frank knew meant
he was nervous as he stared out over the slightly bored looking sea of
students, his eyes skipping over Frank as he continued to take in the room.
"I've been informed by the other teachers that today is usually an easy day, so
I have a little activity for you guys to keep yourself busy with while I try to
figure out how to pretend to be a teacher," Gerard chuckled wryly.
Gerard grabbed a stack of papers from his desk, handing them to the person in
the front of each row before returning to his previous position, steepling his
fingers in front of his torso as he waited for the worksheets to reach the
students in the back, still ignoring Frank's pleading gaze, no matter how long
Frank stared at him.
Frank wasn't sure exactly why he was trying so hard to get Gerard's attention,
because it wasn't like they could talk this out with twenty-five other people
in the room, that would have to wait until after class, but maybe if Gerard
just looked Frank's way, maybe if Frank didn't glimpse any anger in his eyes,
then he would know that everything would be okay, he would have hope that he
and Gerard could work through this somehow, but Gerard didn't seem to want to
give Frank the reassurance he so desperately needed.
"So I know you are probably tired of this boring 'get to know each other' crap
that everyone is forcing you to do, but I'm new at this, so I'm following the
crowd for today, and you basically get a free period, so I don't want to hear
any complaints." Gerard earned a few stifled giggles from the class for his
statement; apparently his laid back attitude was much appreciated, and if Frank
hadn't been fucking Gerard, he might have enjoyed this lesson too. "This
shouldn't take too long, but I want you to actually put some thought into it.
All you need to do is write down three songs lyrics - title works too if you
want - that describe you, but you also have to write a few paragraphs under
each one explaining why you chose them. It can be any song, so try and use up
the whole period doing that so I don't have to pull something else out of my
sleeve."
Frank forced himself to look down at the paper that had been carelessly tossed
on his table by the girl in front of him, trying to let the words penetrate his
foggy brain, and even though the assignment was generally simple, Frank didn't
see it that way, because this was his chance, he could apologize to Gerard in
the form of coursework, he could put down lyrics that showed his inner torment
and regret so much better than his own paltry words ever could.
Now all Frank had to do was find the proper lines with which to express
himself, which was easier said than done when all Frank could think about was
Gerard, and why he still hasn't looked at him, and if Gerard was still his
boyfriend, or if everything was ending before they hardly had a chance to begin
- fuck, Frank couldn't handle this, it was already taking all the willpower he
possessed not to run out of the room and hide somewhere until he had gotten
better control of his unruly emotions, so adding anything else to that, even a
menial assignment was bringing Frank to his breaking point.
But Frank forced himself to stay, because despite the possibly unhealthy way
his heart was pounding in his chest, and the faint taste of bile that had begun
to fill his mouth when he considered the conversation he and Gerard would have
after this class was over, and how many of the outcomes for said conversation
would end up decimating Frank completely, he pushed all of his terror away,
picking up his pencil with a shaky hand and wracking his brain for the perfect
lyrics to pen down that would explain to Gerard why he had lied, and how much
he cared, and how much he wanted - no - needed Gerard to forgive him.
***** The Obliteration Of Frank Iero *****
Frank rolled his pencil back and forth on his desk, the irritating sound
grating on his already shot nerves, but it was as if Frank was physically
incapable of stopping the pointless, repetitive action, because it was a
distraction, it was movement, it was something to do, and if Frank didn't keep
himself occupied, everything would catch up to him; the weighty anxiety caused
by Gerard's presence at the front of the class would drag him down into the
bowels of the earth, suffocating Frank before he could claw his way out, his
lungs would fill with dirt, rendering him helpless and unable to scream, until
he finally gave in, losing himself completely before his last breath left his
body.
The blank space at the bottom of Frank's worksheet mocked him every time the
pencil passed over it, the white paper just waiting for Frank to add his final
lyric to it, the other two had come easily to Frank, almost as if he knew this
day would come, and he had been storing the words away for when he would have
to explain himself to Gerard, but now Frank was stuck, all thought process
halted, because this was his last chance, his last words, his last everything,
and he only had fifteen more minutes left in class before Gerard would collect
the paper that Frank had poured his heart and soul onto.
But Frank's grand gesture wouldn't accomplish its desired task if Frank didn't
find the perfect words to sum everything up, because what he had so far was
good, it was passable, but it wasn't enough - not even close, and yes - Frank
was well aware that he was placing an unrealistic amount of hope on this stupid
assignment, and it was possible that it wouldn't change anything, Gerard might
not even read it, so Frank needed to hurry the fuck up and just pick something
already, but he didn't want to force himself into a hasty decision that he
would regret later on.
Because this was important, even if Gerard didn't see it that way, Frank did,
and all of his crumbling dreams of a perfect relationship with Gerard were now
tangled up in this pointless busy work that Gerard probably had no intention of
grading, but that didn't matter right now, nothing did, besides for Frank
finishing the assignment, because then he could talk to Gerard, he could show
him how sorry he was, and then maybe this sensation of choking to death on his
own emotions would vacate Frank's shaky body, letting him breath freely for the
first time in almost an hour.
But Frank was quickly losing the motivation he had possessed earlier on, his
fears rearing up again now that class was so close to ending; Frank's heart was
beating loudly, so loudly that Frank was positive that everyone in the small
room could hear it, even though no one had reacted to the thumping noise so
far, in fact - no one was even looking at him, which was for the best, because
Frank had begun to tremble again, his exhalations rasping as they escaped his
rapidly closing throat, and Frank didn't want anyone drawing attention to his
mostly silent panic attack he was currently experiencing. 
Frank focused his gaze back at his paper again, glancing over the now nearly
memorized sentences that he had penned down frantically, an expression of
distaste twisting his mouth as what had once seemed so genuine and heartfelt
began to appear juvenile and pathetic with this most recent read through.
1. I'll be so alone without you, maybe you'll be lonesome too. - Misfits
I'm so sorry Gerard, I am...I never meant for you to find out this way. I wish
there was no reason for me to lie to you in the first place, but I need you - I
swear, and this doesn't change anything. I am still the same Frank I was
yesterday, and I hope this doesn't mean that your feelings for me have gone
away, because I don't want to be alone...please?
2. I'm lucky to have met you, I don't care what you think, unless it is about
me - Nirvana
I mean this Gerard, I really do, and I know I have never really told you in
person, but you are so fucking important to me. It is as if the entire world
falls away when I am with you, and it's just you and me - no one else exists,
nothing bad can get to me when you are around, and I feel safe for the first
time in forever. I want to make you feel that way too, and that is why I lied.
I couldn't fuck up any chance I ever had with you before I found out if there
was anything there...and there was, fuck - I hope you feel the same way.
Frank sighed heavily, fighting the urge to shred his hard work into a thousand
tiny pieces, because this was a stupid idea, this was too personal, too open;
Frank hated the way he had exposed himself on paper, his childlike prose
ruining the intensity of what he was trying to say, even though he had
rewritten his statement five times over by now, the remnants of his eraser
shavings tinting the once white page a pale pink color.
Gerard would probably rip it up as soon as he read it anyway, if not out of
spite, then to destroy any evidence of his dalliance with a student, if he even
took the time to glance at it that is, and Frank's knew that his heart would
tear with the fragile paper, the organ would shatter without Gerard there to
hold it in his soft hands, leaving Frank a shell of what he once was, and there
wasn't much of him left to shred in the first place.
Frank tried to calm himself by thinking of best case scenarios, which had never
been his strong point, but he had to try something, so he imagined Gerard
smiling at him as soon as the other students vacated the room, his long legs
striding to Frank's side as his familiar arms embraced Frank, his soothing
voice telling Frank that it was okay, that Gerard forgave him, and that nothing
had changed, and nothing ever would.
That was ridiculous though, the scenario so laughable that Frank couldn't
manage to convince himself that it was a possible outcome, because he knew
Gerard was upset with him, maybe even furious; he could tell by the upright
position he held himself in, his stiff shoulders, the way he completely ignored
the portion of the classroom that contained Frank in it, even when the two boys
to Frank's left began throwing spit balls back and forth, or maybe notes, Frank
didn't know, and he didn't care, because now that he had worked up the courage
to look at Gerard again, he couldn't look away.
Gerard never once glanced in his direction, his eyes remained glued to his
desk, scanning over an assortment of papers that he appeared to be pretending
to grade, which was bullshit, because this was the first day of school, and
even if Gerard had other classes besides this one, Frank highly doubted that he
had produced a different lesson plan for each period, so unless he was
seriously marking the pointless assignment he had given them, then Gerard was
just faking it.
Gerard's inhaled sharply before glancing up at the clock hanging above his
head, his fingers shaking as he fumbled with his ballpoint pen, the loud hiss
of air whistling past his teeth in an eerie manner, drawing no one's attention
but Frank's of course.
The motion finally put Gerard's irises on display for one short moment,
and fuck, they were watery - clouded with despair, and hurt, and betrayal, but
then they were gone as soon as they had come, Gerard turning his back to the
room so he could start wiping off his name and the class period information
from the large chalkboard, his hand moving so slowly it would take him the
entire ten minutes remaining in the day to finish his task.
Frank shifted in his seat, trying to dispel the spike of guilt that shot
through his vertebrae when he saw Gerard's face, because fuck - he had caused
that, he had wounded Gerard, and Frank never wanted that, he never intended for
this to happen, but it had, and now Frank had to live with this cloying feeling
inside of his chest, this ache that had formed the second he had walked into
class to find Gerard staring back at him.
And fuck - it hurt, it hurt so much that Frank wondered if he was somehow
dying, his one hand coming up to pinch the excess flesh between his thumb and
pointer finger roughly, just so he could separate physical pain from the
emotional agony he was in. His skin smarted where his two digits pressed
against it, but it didn't feel real, as if he had somehow vacated his body,
taking only his mind with him, and no corporeal sensations could reach him
wherever he was now.
And in that moment, Frank almost hoped for a violent confrontation when he and
Gerard could finally be alone, he wanted Gerard to hit him, to punch him in the
face, to make him bleed externally as well as internally, because maybe that
would lessen some of the torment that Frank was putting himself through, maybe
that would make everything okay, and for one second, Frank understood why
Gerard self-harmed, he empathized with him, even though he had never committed
the act before, but right now, Frank would do anything to make this mess in his
head go away, even going so far as to take a blade to his skin.
But no - Frank wouldn't do that, not really, because that wouldn't fix
anything, it would only make everything worse actually, and Frank didn't truly
want to hurt himself, he just wanted Gerard, he wanted to know that he and his
boyfriend were okay, and that they could work through this, but to do that,
Frank needed to finish this damn worksheet to show Gerard that he still need
him, and that he knew how badly he had fucked up, but he was going to do his
best to fix this, if Gerard let him that is.
But the words still wouldn't appear, no matter how hard Frank wracked his
brain, causing him to release an almost silent groan of frustration. Frank
needed the right lyrics, the right feelings, the right emotions; he couldn't
turn in this assignment unfinished, he didn't know why, but the fact remained
that it was an unthinkable option, still - as Frank mentally sorted through all
of his favorite songs for the hundredth time, he quickly discarded every one,
because nothing was good enough, nothing clicked, and Frank couldn't pen down a
line that wasn't absolutely perfect.
But just when Frank had reached a dead end, he was suddenly hit with an old
memory; he could almost see himself and Pete behind his shut eyelids, a younger
version of the two of them, Pete messing around with a guitar he had borrowed
from his cousin for the weekend as Frank fiddled with his empty hands
awkwardly.
"So how is this going to work...we can't really form a band with two people,"
Frank sighed, his eyes rolling toward his friend who was busy pretending he
knew what he was doing with the instrument in his lap.
"It can work - trust me, I mean, we will need to find a drummer eventually, but
for now, I can play guitar, and you can sing."
"Fuck you Pete, I'm not singing," Frank pouted, his arms folding stubbornly in
front of him as his best friend transformed his face into his trademark puppy
dog pout.
"But Frank..."
"No - I'll write songs, but I'm not fucking singing them, I want to play the
guitar," Frank stated defiantly, not letting Pete get a word in edgewise.
"You know what, we can figure this out later when we actually have some lyrics
to work with," Pete huffed, setting the guitar down gently so he could fling
himself onto his bed in a petulant fashion.
"Well...I think I already have some stuff we could use, it was supposed to be
poetry, but they could work for songs too," Frank mumbled, pulling his battered
notebook out of his backpack warily, not completely willing to expose this part
of himself to anyone just yet, but he wanted this band to work, and Pete was
the only person in the world he could ever considering trusting with this.
"Let me see." Pete sat up slightly, making grabby hands for the book like a
small child, causing Frank to chuckle under his breath before handing it to his
friend.
Pete was silent as he cracked the cover open, his eyes scanning over the pages
where Frank had scribbled out whatever had come to mind, Frank's breath
catching in his throat as he waited for Pete's reaction, because even though
Frank knew his words weren't that good, he still wanted Pete to like them,
because it was special to Frank, it came from a hidden place deep inside of
him, and if Pete hated them, then that meant that a part of him hated Frank,
even if he would never admit to that.
"Dude..." Pete drawled, his exclamation startling Frank out of the spiraling
vortex composed of his thoughts. "This - wow...these are fucking incredible."
"Yeah?" Frank asked nervously, a shy smile making its way onto his face as Pete
grinned back at him.
"Hell yeah."
Frank had almost forgotten about that occasion until just now, which was
understandable; he and Pete had given up on their dream of forming a band maybe
a month later, the difficulties of learning guitar and neither of them being
totally willing to sing had cut the legs out from under their childish
endeavor, and they had both quickly moved on to another hobby with no tears
being shed.
But even though Frank couldn't really sing, he was still proud of his
compositions, even though no one's eyes besides for Pete's had ever beheld
them, but now someone else's would, because Frank was recalling a song he had
actually managed to complete, and the lyrics finished the puzzle that was
Frank's assignment, even though it was an entire piece, not a single line, but
still, it escaped from the pencil in his hand onto the paper in front of him
before Frank was even aware that he was writing it down, which meant that
Gerard was going to view it, and even though the thought had Frank trembling
with nerves again, he had to do this, and what better way to show Gerard how he
felt then by using his own words in the explanation.
3. I hate the things I do 
And all the shit I put you through
It's tragic, I'm static
I am the world's worst,
I am my own worst enemy,
And I hate me
Most days I can't believe I'm still here
Most days I'm surprised
You want a new life
I wanna do what's right by you
But I can't seem to get my shit together,
Not ever, no matter how hard I try,
I never seem to get it right
I'm sick of having you depend on me
Cause I'll let you down like I always do
I am the world's worst,
I am my own worst
It's crazy you stuck with me
Most days I can't believe you're still here
Most days I heard you cry
You want a new lie
I wanna do what's right by you
But I can't seem to get my shit together,
Not ever, no matter how hard I try,
I never seem to get it right
And through all the times we've had
I never saw what you saw in me
Through all the times we've tried,
I could never be what you needed of me
But I wish I were
You want a new line
I wanna do what's right by you
But I can't seem to get my shit together,
Not ever, no matter how hard I try,
I never seem to get it right
I still remember how I made you feel,
Once upon a time - Frank Iero
Frank completed penning out his name with a sigh of relief, the frantic
scratching of his pencil finally going silent, Frank deciding to forgo an
explanation in lieu of the excess of lyrics, because if Gerard didn't
understand Frank's meaning, there was no other way he would be able to convey
it to him.
Just then, the bell rang out harshly, the piercing sound starling Frank so much
that he gasped aloud, earning a few snickers from his classmates, but Frank's
odd reaction was quickly forgotten about when Gerard began to speak, his words
quick and clipped since the students were already hedging toward the exit to
the classroom.
"Okay guys, papers on my desk before you leave. If you didn't finish, you can
take it home, but I expect it completed by next class. You will all receive a
participation credit for this if you put some effort into it." Gerard's words
were almost completely muffled by the sound of chairs scraping against tile,
laughter and loud chatter filling the air as everyone quickly tossed their
assignment onto Gerard's desk, barely waiting for his nod of approval before
bolting outside without a backward glance, which meant no one noticed Frank
still in his seat, his head bent over his work as he reread what he had come up
with one last time.
It took Frank much longer than it should have for him to find the courage to
lift his eyes from the blurred pencil lines, and by that time, he was almost
expecting Gerard to have vacated the room as well, but no - he was still here,
his back hunched over his chair, his head in his long fingered hands, the palms
pressing against his eyes so hard that Frank was slightly worried that his
sockets would break under the pressure.
"Gerard..." Frank whispered, his body slipping out of his seat so he could
approach his boyfriend - his teacher, the paper he had worked so hard on
clenched in one shaking fist.
Gerard flinched visibly at the utterance of his name, but he made no other sign
that he had heard Frank, his posture never changing as Frank stopped in front
of his desk, his eyes glancing toward the door which someone had been kind
enough to close behind them, making sure that there were no witnesses present,
because whatever was about to occur, Frank didn't want it broadcasted all over
the entire school.
"I - I finished my assignment." Frank had to pause to swallow heavily, his
tongue attempting to return moisture to his desert dry mouth. "Do you want to
read it?" Frank asked, Gerard's continued silence unnerving him completely, all
of the words Frank had been planning on saying escaping his head as if the
place was on fire and they had to flee before they were burned to a crisp, the
ones that stayed behind disappearing in a flash of flame and ashes, leaving
Frank empty and scrambling in their wake.  
Gerard moved then, one hand gesturing weakly to the haphazard pile of papers
littering the wooden surface in front of him, his face tactically turned away
from Frank's still, causing hot bubbles of vexation to burst in Frank's chest,
lending him the strength to press onward, even though he was clueless on how to
capture Gerard's attention.
"Gerard...I just want to say that I -"
"No," Gerard snapped suddenly, his palms smacking against the desk as he pushed
himself to his feet roughly, his hazel irises blazing with unrestrained rage
when he finally looked in Frank's direction, his threatening stance causing
Frank to cower in his place, fear inundating his bloodstream as word continued
to spew from Gerard's lips. "Unless you are going to tell me that you failed
out, and you are somehow actually nineteen, then I don't want to fucking hear
it."
"I -" Frank opened his mouth, only to snap it shut when Gerard continued
speaking, ignoring Frank entirely as he began to gesture wildly, the motions
punctuating every other word.
"And don't even think about lying to me again - I can access your records now,
and I will find out if you do," Gerard seethed, his anger emitting from him in
a palpable wave that Frank swore was singeing his skin as it passed over him.
"I - I'm seventeen Gerard, that's the truth, and I'm so sorry that I didn't
tell you before, but I -"
"Get out," Gerard cut Frank off again, his tone cold and impassive, which was
somehow more terrifying than his earlier fury had been.
Frank's entire body froze at Gerard's utterance, because out of all the
possible outcomes for this conversation, Gerard's blatant refusal to give Frank
a chance to explain himself hadn't been something he factored into the
equation; he had been prepared for tears, or hate filled words, even physical
violence, but not this - never this.
"Wait - please, just let me explain..."
"Get the fuck out of my face," Gerard ordered, his voice breaking at the end of
his statement, and even though Frank didn't want to obey, because he needed to
stay and fix this, he couldn't leave before he made things right, Frank found
his feet reacting to Gerard's harsh tone, his small frame exiting the room
before Gerard could rip him apart any further, his stomach roiling violently as
hot tears began to spill down his cheeks.
Frank thought he heard a soft sob coming from the room behind him, but as much
as he yearned to turn around and throw himself into Gerard's arms, to cling to
him fiercely until Gerard was forced to listen to him, Frank had already given
in to his instincts to flee, his body was protecting him from any more pain by
removing him from the situation before it could devolve any further, but the
damage was already done, and Frank was surprised that he wasn't bleeding out
from the crushed organ in his chest, he felt as if there should be a trail of
crimson liquid gushing from his every orifice, leaving a gruesome trail behind
him as his stumbled down the empty hallway.
Frank ducked into the first bathroom he spied, not even paying attention to the
signs to make sure he hadn't accidentally entered the girl's room, but everyone
had long ago disappeared from the school grounds, leaving Frank gloriously
alone as he threw himself in front of the closest toilet, his chest heaving as
he began gagging uncontrollably, the sudden urge to vomit rising up from
seemingly nowhere, the overwhelming stress of the afternoon pushing Frank to
the point of being seriously ill, the anxiety, and the stress, and the
heartbreak destroying his cells faster than any true sickness ever could.
Frank whimpered to himself as the small amount of food he had eaten today
escaped from his mouth, the bile burning his throat and causing even more tears
to make tracks down his sweat soaked face, harsh coughs wracking his frame in-
between each expulsion of his stomach contents until Frank was empty, nothing
but soft gasps leaving his mouth as he rested his head on the grimy lid in
front of him.
Frank wasn't sure how long he sat there, doing his best to gulp down as much
oxygen as his body could handle, trying to mentally soothe his insides back
into a calmer state, because he couldn't stay here wallowing in his own pity,
he couldn't accept defeat this easily, even though Gerard had made it perfectly
clear that he wasn't going to give Frank a chance to fight for them,
but still - Frank had to try at least one more time.
Frank wailed pitifully as tried to stand up, but he couldn't do it, his limbs
were weak and shaky, and despite the part of him that ached to return to the
classroom and beg Gerard to listen to him, the other half of Frank couldn't
face his boyfriend - ex-boyfriend right now, not in this weakened state, and
Gerard had most likely left by this time anyway; he had no reason to stick
around, especially since he had made it abundantly clear that he was washing
his hands of Frank entirely.
"Oh god," Frank groaned to himself, his hands coming up to clutch at his
midsection as another hot spike of pain twisted inside his belly, but he had
nothing left to throw up, no way to relieve the burning cramps that were slowly
ripping Frank to shreds.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Frank whispered to the empty room, wishing that
there was some way Gerard could hear him, needing his comforting arms around
him right now, his scent erasing the stench of vomit and sweat from the muggy
air, his hands running gently through Frank's hair as he gagged once again,
spitting weakly into the bowl when nothing came out.
Frank had never felt this way before, not even when his father left; that had
been a muted pain, something he had compressed and compartmentalized, the hurt
only seeping through on the rare occasions in which Frank let his defenses
fall, but this - this was akin to total obliteration, Gerard's rejection was a
bomb placed directly in front of Frank's face, the explosion blowing him
backward with nothing to catch him, the shrapnel piercing every inch of his
skin, the burns flaring up each time he moved, and fuck - Frank was lost now,
without Gerard, he had nothing, not even the strength to get up off the
disgusting tile floor he was currently sprawled upon, all he could do was cry,
broken sobs wracking his aching body as he mourned the loss of the best thing
in his entire life.
***** In Which Mikey Is High As Fuck And Gerard Is MIA *****
Frank had resigned himself to spending the rest of the afternoon in the dingy
bathroom he had secreted himself away in, because any other option was
unthinkable right now; if he moved, he would have to face reality once more, he
would have to accept that Gerard was gone, that Gerard had left him here alone,
with only his stinging words that seemed to still be hanging in the muggy air
as a goodbye.
And honestly, Frank didn't know if he could physically get up, much less make
the walk home in his current condition. His muscles had turned to jelly as soon
as he had allowed himself to collapse, his entire body seemed drained and weak,
as if all of his vitality had been tied up in his relationship with Gerard, and
now that he had removed himself from Frank's life, he had nothing left, not
even his motor functions.
And really - Frank knew he was overreacting, and it was borderline pathetic
that he was this despondent over the loss of someone he had only been dating
for two weeks, and he had barely known for a month in total, but Gerard wasn't
just a good fuck, or a boyfriend, at least not to Frank.
No - Gerard was so much more than that, he was special, he was important, hell
- he was everything to Frank right now, he was literally a pivotal point in
Frank's pathetic timeline, he embodied happiness, and hope, and all the good
things that had been absent from Frank's world for far too long.
Frank hadn't even realized how miserable his existence had been until Gerard
shed light onto his current situation, because Frank thought he had been fine
before, he hadn't been fantastic, but he was alive, and he was coping, but now
that Frank was aware of what he was missing out on, his old habits and routines
seemed abhorrent to him, and without his usual coping methods for his
melancholy, Frank was left with nothing to numb the agony that was slowly
tearing him apart.
Frank couldn't go fuck this pain away, not this time, it would only remind him
of Gerard, of his lips, his arms wrapped around him, his tender touches as his
hands trailed down Frank's body, and fuck - the images filling his head had
unleashed a second round of tears that Frank didn't believe his dehydrated body
was capable of producing, but obviously it had found a hidden storeroom of the
salty liquid somewhere, much to Frank's dismay.
Frank didn't even want to drink, not when he felt this awful, and he truly
didn't think that alcohol would do him any good right now; the buzz was how he
allowed himself to break down his self-imposed walls and release the emotions
caged up inside of him before they burst, but the eruption had already
happened, Frank was cracked wide open, spewing his sorrow out in a heavy
torrent that seemed never ending, and adding liquor to his sensitive stomach
could only end badly.
Frank began to wonder how Gerard was dealing with his newfound knowledge of
Frank, and if he truly intended to leave Frank for good, or if he just needed
some time to process the fact that Frank wasn't the age he thought he
was, fuck - Frank desperately hoped that Gerard was at least considering the
second option, because if he wasn't - oh god - Frank wasn't able to finish the
train of thought, not even in his head.
Gerard couldn't just leave Frank like that, not without a more definite form of
closure, a last farewell, something - anything. Frank knew Gerard cared about
him, and yes - Frank had lied, but Gerard wouldn't be so cruel as to ignore
Frank indefinitely as punishment for his actions - would he?
No - Frank didn't think that he would; Gerard had been upset earlier as well as
angry, maybe even on the verge of tears, and he probably hadn't wanted Frank
around while he broke down, but that thought did nothing to make Frank feel any
better - in fact, his chest ached at the thought of Gerard experiencing the
same pain Frank was currently suffering through.
And Frank now had firsthand experience of what Gerard was like when he let his
emotions bleed through, and although Frank had never discovered the cause of
Gerard's meltdown last night, Frank could only imagine that the bombshell he
had dropped on Gerard would produce a similar scenario, but this time he
wouldn't have Frank there to tell him that everything would be okay, and fuck -
that scared Frank more than anything else had so far, even more than the dismal
pictures flickering across his brain featuring his future without Gerard in it.
Frank's breathing began to hitch in his throat as he tried to imagine where
Gerard was right now, and what he was doing at this moment in time; he could
still be in his classroom, trying to compose himself before heading home, but
what if he wasn't, what if was drinking, or driving recklessly, or worse - what
if he hurt himself when he got back to his apartment, and Mikey wasn't there to
stop him.
Frank slammed his head against the stall door in frustration, trying to force
his mind to alter directions before Frank began seeing Gerard bleeding and
alone behind his closed eyelids, because it wasn't helping anything, hell - it
was just making everything worse, and Gerard was probably fine - he had to be,
Frank didn't want to consider any other option.
As Frank continued to cry softly, he was struck with how dismal of a picture he
presented right now, it was almost embarrassing actually, even though it was a
scene that probably happened often in high school bathrooms, but most students
wouldn't be mourning the loss of an illegal relationship with their teacher,
which is what Frank had been involved in, regardless of the fact that he hadn't
been aware of Gerard's occupation at the time.
It was only when the door leading into the facilities creaked open that Frank
found the motivation to pull himself together, a shaky hand quickly wiping at
his wet face in a half assed attempt to erase the tear stains coating his skin,
because regardless of how abysmal Frank felt, he didn't want a witness to his
personal breakdown, and the possible mortification of being caught in such a
wretched position inspired him to regain his feet, ignoring the way he swayed
unsteadily from side to side in the process. 
And for one moment, Frank's heart began to beat again for the first time since
Gerard had ripped it out with his callous words, because Frank was allowing
himself to entertain the idea that it might be Gerard himself entering the
small restroom, maybe he had come looking for Frank, maybe he regretted
everything already, maybe he was here to apologize.
But no - it wasn't Gerard, which Frank ascertained when he finally managed to
move his aching body across the moldy floor, his neck craning to the left so he
could get a visual of the person who had intruded upon Frank's sorrowful
solitude, only to be met with the figure of an older gentleman that Frank
vaguely recognized as one of the chemistry teachers, his name slipped his mind,
but Frank had never taken a class with him, so he quite possibly had never
learned it.
And when Frank became aware of the fact that it wasn't Gerard sharing the room
with him, it was as if all of the emotions he had poured out over the past hour
- or however long he had been in here renewed themselves all at once, the
crushing sensation threatening to break Frank's knees with the force of them,
and fuck - it was all Frank could do to keep his feet, and much to his chagrin,
a strangled sob escaped past his chapped lips before he could halt it.
"Son...are you okay?" the nameless teacher spoke up, a look of concern crossing
his wrinkled face as he peered down at Frank curiously.
"Fine - just uh...sick," Frank stammered out, his throat burning with each
word, and even the simple act of speaking began to drain the small amount of
energy that Frank had managed to amass from somewhere when the risk of
discovery had become prevalent.
"Oh...well do you have a ride home, the buses have already left," the man
continued to pry, and even though Frank wanted to scream at him, to beg him to
leave him alone, he knew better than to draw that much attention to himself,
not unless he wanted to end up in the office with the principle trying to play
therapist with him.
"Yeah - my mom's coming, I was just about to go meet her," Frank lied through
his teeth, stumbling over to the sink as the teacher nodded in approval,
cupping as much water in his joined hands as he could before bringing it to his
mouth, swishing the lukewarm liquid around in an attempt to erase the bitter
taste of bile from his tongue.
Frank exited the bathroom after sending a halfhearted wave to the unnamed
teacher, his legs trembling as he shuffled down the hallway like an invalid
instead of a perfectly healthy teenager, but in all reality, Frank felt seventy
instead of seventeen, the sharp spikes of nausea that were still welling in his
gut forcing him to walk slowly and half hunched over in the hopes of avoiding
another round of pointless dry heaves.
Frank had originally been intending on vacating the premises, but the unusual
lightness of his shoulders reminded him that he had left his backpack on the
floor next to his desk, and as much as he loathed the thought of returning to
the room that had been the site of his complete annihilation, Frank had to
retrieve his things, his mother would be furious if she discovered that he had
misplaced his school books on the first day, and Frank didn't want to count on
luck being on his side, because with the route today was taking, she would be
in one of those moods where she wouldn't let Frank out of her sight, noticing
every strange nuisance of his behavior instead of ignoring him for once.
So with reluctant steps, Frank approached the music theory classroom in which
Gerard had recently crushed Frank's most vital organ, and even though Frank
didn't think he was physically capable of dealing with another confrontation
with his ex-boyfriend right now, a part of him was also craving it, even if
Gerard was only going to scream at him again, Frank needed to see him, to hear
his voice just one more time, anything to erase his scathing words from
earlier, because nothing could possibly hurt as much as the constant repetition
of Gerard's short outburst that was stuck on an endless loop inside his head
did.
But when Frank gently cracked open the closed door, he found the room deserted,
all signs pointing to the fact that Gerard had exited the building for the day,
leaving Frank filled with another crushing sense of disappointment, and really,
he didn't think he could handle any more pain without suffering some sort of
massive heart failure, but the gun Gerard had shot him with continued to fire a
seemingly endless supply of bullets, even after he was gone, and although Frank
was still alive, he almost wished he wasn't if it provided an escape from this
emotional torture.
Choking back the cry of despair that was threatening to tear its way out of his
chest, he leaned down to where he had left his pack, hefting the heavy item
over his arm weakly, even though the effort left Frank lightheaded and dizzy
once more, his eyes scanning the area to make sure that he hadn't left anything
behind.
And that was when Frank noticed that his assignment that he had poured his
heart and soul into was missing, he knew he had dropped it onto Gerard's desk
after his initial outburst, but the wooden surface had been wiped clean, and
after a quick glance into the waste bin situated next to Gerard's chair, Frank
was certain that Gerard had taken it with him, which meant that he might read
Frank's attempt at an apology after all, and maybe - just maybe it would change
his mind.
But that was a far reaching assumption, and Frank knew it; he wasn't the type
of person to place faith in unrealistic expectations, but right now, he needed
something - anything to hold onto, because if he didn't, Frank was convinced
that he would disintegrate, maybe not his physical body, but his soul would,
his heart would, everything inside of him that Gerard had awoken would scatter
like smoke in a hurricane, and the Frank that Gerard had helped form with his
kind words and caring gestures would not survive that event, leaving nothing
but an empty shell in its place.
~~~
Frank had meant to go home, he truly had, but somehow he found his feet
treading the familiar path to Gerard's apartment without his consent, and
despite arguing with himself over how this was a terrible idea for the past
twenty minutes, Frank knew he needed to do this, because if he didn't, he would
regret not pursuing Gerard for the rest of his life.
So even though Frank knew he needed to check in with his mother before she
began to worry, or did something irrational, because she hadn't been at her
best this morning, and Frank really should make sure that she had made it to
work, and that she had food in the house at the very least, but Gerard was more
important right now, and as callous as that made Frank sound, it was the truth,
and Frank couldn't focus on anything else - not even his mother until he did
everything in his power to rectify the mistake that Frank had caused with his
lies.
Frank had made this mistake once before, and it still haunted him to this day;
he hadn't done anything to prevent his father from leaving, in fact - he hadn't
said a word, and even though Frank had long ago rationalized his paralysis - he
had been young, and confused, he hadn't even understood what was truly going on
until after the fact, but still - Frank couldn't help but wonder what would
have happened if he had spoken up, if maybe he could have convinced his father
to stay, or at least to keep in contact with Frank, but now all Frank was left
with was what ifs and an absent father that seemed to have fallen off the face
of the earth, and he would never know if a few words would have been able to
change that.
It had been two years since then, and Frank had only just now begun to heal,
mostly thanks to Gerard, so Frank wasn't going to repeat his actions - not this
time. Gerard had been perfectly clear earlier when he told Frank to get out of
his life, but Frank couldn't - not yet, not without trying one more time.
And maybe Gerard had just panicked, they had been at school after all, so it
was possible that he had simply wanted to avoid having a conversation about
this while on dangerous grounds, because it most likely was going to get
emotional, and if anyone had spied a teacher arguing with a student he
shouldn't know, it would have looked suspicious at the least, damning at the
worst.
So it wasn't too insane to believe that maybe Gerard would be more open to
hearing Frank out in the privacy of his own home, it was worth a shot at least,
and it didn't really matter anyway, because Frank was already here, despite the
fact that he hadn't believed his weary muscles would be able to make the long
journey without giving out, but his farfetched hopes had lent him a surprising
burst of strength that had made the trek pass by quickly.
But now that Frank had stopped moving, his previous buoyancy was rapidly
slipping away from him, and it took a ridiculously long time before Frank
managed to raise his hand and knock gently against the door, which suddenly
appeared menacing to Frank's bleary eyes, when before it had always been
nothing but inviting.
Frank waited for a few minutes, but when nothing happened, he rapped his
knuckles against the faded wood with more force, splaying his palm open once he
was finished, as if Gerard could somehow see him from the other side, and he
would return Frank's gesture, his hand would slide through the barrier and grip
Frank's in his own, but no - Frank was losing himself in a dangerous fantasy,
and he couldn't entertain those thoughts when Gerard hadn't even shown his face
yet.
But when the door was finally yanked open, causing Frank to stumble heavily
since he had been leaning most of his weight against it, it was Mikey's fingers
that gripped his shoulders, stopping his downward descent with his strong hold,
not Gerard's, and that was all the disappointment that Frank could handle in
one day, so much to his horror, his found himself falling into Mikey's spindly
body as hot tears spilled down his stinging cheeks with a sudden fierceness.
"Frank - what the hell...are you okay?" Mikey exclaimed, his arms tightening
around Frank when he began to slump forward, his burning legs no longer willing
to support his frame for any longer.
"Is - is Gerard here?" Frank choked out, trying his best to regain control of
his limbs, but he was fighting a losing battle, and it was only with Mikey's
assistance that he managed to cross the small hallway, collapsing entirely when
Mikey led him to the couch where he and Gerard had shared their first kiss.
"No...he texted me a little while ago, said he would be home after he cleared
his head," Mikey answered warily, his eyes raking over Frank's shaking form as
if he could determine the cause of Frank's distress by examining his physical
appearance. "Do I even want to ask what happened?"
Frank lifted his head slowly, trying to gain a few more seconds to compose
himself before answering Mikey's inquiry, but when he met his friend's gaze, he
recognized the signs of intoxication that had been present the first time he
had met Mikey: the dilated pupils, the unusual passionate quality to his
usually monotone voice, the runny nose, which meant that Mikey was high, and
Frank had just interrupted him when he most likely wanted to be left alone to
enjoy whatever sensation the drug gave him in peace.
"I'm sorry...I can go, I just wanted to see Gerard, I - it doesn't matter,"
Frank shrugged wearily, pushing off from the scratchy material with the best
intentions, but the sudden head rush had him quickly seated again, his temples
clutched in his palms as he waited for the dizziness to subside.
"You are crazy if you think I'm letting you go anywhere right now -
 fucking hell Frank, you can barely stand up...have you been drinking?" Mikey
actually sniffed Frank before plopping down onto the adjacent cushion, his long
legs coming to rest on the coffee table haphazardly as he made himself
comfortable.
"No - I wish, but not today..." Frank trailed off awkwardly, unsure of what to
do now that his grand plan to beg Gerard for a second chance had fallen
through, leaving him with a not entirely there Mikey instead.
"Talk to me Frank, because I'm really fucking confused honestly, and don't be
afraid to say shit about Gerard - I know he can be an ass...he is the reason
you're upset right?"
"I - it's complicated," Frank chuckled under his breath, because now he truly
sounded like a heartbroken teenager who was updating his Facebook status, and
although that was an accurate representation of his current state, he wasn't
acting like the adult he needed to prove to Gerard that he was. "I fucked up
basically."
"Okay...care to elaborate on that," Mikey giggled - actually giggled as he
nudged Frank in the shoulder, and even though the gesture was intended to be an
affectionate one, it almost knocked Frank over entirely in his weakened
condition. "Shit - I'm sorry," Mikey gasped, "let me get you some water or
something, you look like death warmed over."
Mikey quickly vacated the couch, almost tripping over a discarded pair of shoes
in the process, but he managed to make it to the kitchen unscathed, returning
with a condensation covered glass and a bag of half opened chips clutched under
his arm.
"Are you hungry?" Mikey held out the bag enticingly, but even though Frank knew
he probably did need to eat something, just the smell of the greasy snack had
his stomach churning uncomfortably, causing Frank to swallow heavily numerous
times before he was convinced that he wasn't going to vomit again. "I have some
takeout in the fridge too," Mikey kept talking, ignoring the shaking of Frank's
head as he started to turn back in the direction he had come.
"No - thank you, I'm okay," Frank finally managed to get a word in edgewise,
accepting the water when Mikey placed it in his clammy hands.
"Don't lie to me Frank, you aren't okay," Mikey scoffed, his eyes rolling in an
obnoxious manner that looked borderline eerie with his enlarged pupils.
"Fine - I'm not, but this isn't your problem, I'll figure it out, but -
uh...can you just ask Gerard to call me whenever he gets back," Frank
whispered, burying his face into the cup directly afterwards in the hopes of
hiding his betraying tears from his friend's prying gaze.
"Frank...whatever Gerard did, it's going to work itself out, I promise, but I
can help you if you just tell me, I have had plenty of practice with pulling
Gerard's head out of his ass," Mikey chuckled under his breath, eliciting a
half smile from Frank in the process.
"That's the problem..." Frank exhaled heavily, squeezing his eyes shut as he
tried to brace himself for the pain that would surely accompany his next words,
"Gerard didn't do anything wrong - I did, and he is furious with me, he
basically told me to fuck off earlier, and I just need to try and explain to
him why I lied, but he -"
"Wait a second - earlier, as in today, I thought you had to work, so did
Gerard...oh god, Frank - how did you see Gerard if he was in class all
morning?" Mikey questioned nervously, but it was obvious by the expression on
his face that he already knew the answer, and Frank had to give him credit for
coming to the correct conclusion in his drugged state.
"I'm seventeen Mikey, and I know I should have told Gerard earlier, I was going
to once my birthday passed, it's only a few months away, but he's
my fucking teacher, and now he is furious with me," Frank choked out, his
vision blurring as his apparently infinite tear ducts began welling up again.
"I didn't mean for this to happen, but he would never have given me a chance in
the first place if he knew the truth, and I - I need him Mikey, but he doesn't
even seem to care...oh fuck - I just want to tell him I'm sorry," Frank wailed,
a rasping sob preventing him from continuing with his explanation, but he had
expelled most of the story by that point anyway.
"Shit Frank - this isn't good," Mikey flailed his hands around aimlessly,
finally wrapping one arm around Frank in an attempt at comforting him.
"I know, it's fucked up, and I don't blame Gerard for the way he reacted, but
he was the one who said age was just a number when we met, and I - I thought he
would understand, or at least talk it out with me," Frank mumbled in-between
his cries, his words coming out choppy and broken up by large gasps for air.
"Well...I obviously don't know exactly what happened, and the fact that this is
illegal is probably freaking my brother out, but I doubt that's why he snapped
at you," Mikey murmured thoughtfully, enticing Frank to wipe his eyes roughly
so he could get a better look at Mikey's current expression.
"What do you mean?" Frank whimpered, his sobs ebbing as he waited impatiently
for Mikey's response, his fingers knotting together in anticipation as Mikey
gathered his thoughts, the period of silence seeming to extended for ages in
Frank's mind.
"Well - Gerard probably wouldn't care about you age knowing him, especially if
he wasn't your teacher, but you lied to him, and Gerard trusted you -
 a hell of a lot. You are the first person he has let into his life besides for
Bert and I since we moved back here, and that is a big fucking deal for him.
I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, but Gerard has been fucked over a
lot in the past, and the fact that you kept this from him is most likely the
reason he is so upset."
"What can I do to get him back?" Frank borderline begged, desperately hanging
onto each word that fell from Mikey's lips in the hopes of finding the key to
the barrier Gerard had placed around himself within them.
"I don't know, Gerard can be a stubborn fucker when he wants to be, but you
have to do your best to convince him that you aren't like everyone else, that
you still care, and that is the only lie you have ever told to him." Mikey eyed
Frank suspiciously when he was finished speaking, causing Frank to cower under
his stare, because Mikey's protective brother side was in full effect right
now, and Frank didn't doubt that Mikey would throw him out if he discovered
that Frank had been playing with Gerard's emotions.
"It is - I swear, well, I mean, I haven't told him some
things, personal things, but he hasn't asked, and I - I would never do anything
to hurt him, I really care about him Mikey, and I just want to make things
right."
"Okay...I believe you, and I'll do my best to help you if I can. You are good
for Gerard, he has changed since you came around, and in a way, I think he
needs you more than you need him, or someone like you at least, so hopefully he
will listen to reason," Mikey sighed, one of his hands coming up to wipe at his
nose as he leaned back into the cushions tiredly. "You can stay here until he
comes home, hopefully he will have blown off some steam and he will be ready to
talk, but in the meantime, maybe you should try to get some rest or something,
you seriously look like shit," Mikey smiled, his words holding no venom,
and really, Frank was certain that Mikey's comment was an understatement,
because he felt as if he had been dragged behind a eighteen wheeler for five
miles instead of simply been yelled at by his possibly now ex-boyfriend.
"Yeah - okay...I'll try," Frank sniffled softly, finishing off the remaining
water in his glass before resting his head against the armrest wearily.
"Do you want to use Gerard's bed?" Frank flinched at the offer, because just
the thought of lying in the sheets where he and Gerard had done so much while
their relationship was hanging by a thread had Frank choking back sobs all over
again, and Mikey immediately noticed the effect his words had on him,
"or mine - its probably more comfortable than the couch," Mikey added quickly,
trying to smooth over his mistake before Frank lost control of himself once
more.
"No - 'm okay, I probably won't be able to sleep anyway."
"Just relax Frank, I promise I will wake you up when he is on his way home."
Mikey's words were reassuring, but Frank knew it was a pointless effort, he
couldn't even close his eyes without feeling unstable and nauseated, and with
all of the fears and worries that were bouncing around in his aching head,
Frank would never be able to shut his mind up for long enough to be able to
drift off. "At least let me get you a blanket," Mikey pressed, to which Frank
nodded in acquiescence, even though his skin felt hot and itchy, and he knew he
would toss off the fabric in a matter of minutes, if not sooner.
But when Mikey returned with a patterned quilt that thankfully didn't come from
Gerard's room, Frank accepted it gratefully, finding comfort in the feeling of
being surrounding by something, even though what he really wanted was Gerard's
arms wrapped around him, but burying his face in the cushion that smelled
slightly like him and pretending was doing wonders for Frank's anxious state,
and before he even realized what was happening, the stress of the day morphed
into a sudden wave of exhaustion, and Frank found himself surrendering to the
welcomed oblivion of unconsciousness, the pulsating ache that originated from
his damaged heart fading into nothingness as Frank went willingly into the
peaceful darkness.
***** Blended Organs And Cracked Spines *****
Gerard didn't know what he was doing, or where he was going, but his
destination didn't really matter right now as long as he got away: away from
that school, away from Frank, away from the horror welling up inside of him
every time he allowed his brain to make the connection that his boyfriend was
in fact his student, that his boyfriend was seventeen, that their relationship
was illegal - fuck, how could Gerard have been so stupid?
Gerard hadn't known how to react when Frank had finally admitted the truth to
him, so he had fled, he had dismissed Frank as if he meant nothing to him
before escaping into the safety of his car where he could release his emotions
in peace, but he had found the parking lot to be surprisingly crowded, so
Gerard had coaxed the engine into life before driving around aimlessly, sending
Mikey a quick text telling him not to expect him home for a bit while he was
stuck at a red light.
Now Gerard was sufficiently lost in a city that he had once known like the back
of his hand, but the years away had erased the familiarity these buildings one
held to him, and Gerard wished it would stay that way, because this placed
seemed to bring him nothing but pain time and time again, no matter how many
fresh starts he made for himself, so maybe this was the world's way of telling
him that there was nothing in Jersey for him besides heartbreak, and Gerard
needed to take the fucking hint and get out before it was too late, but he
didn't know where else to go.
Gerard cursed under his breath as a truck swerved dangerously close to his
vehicle, or maybe Gerard had drifted too far into their lane, he honestly
couldn't tell, the tears blurring his vision were making the task of keeping
his eyes on the road almost impossible, so despite the part of Gerard that
wanted to run, that needed to keep moving before all of the terrible events of
this afternoon caught up with him, Gerard forced himself to pull over near a
small park, his wheels haphazardly sprawled in-between two spaces, but Gerard
didn't care enough to fix his sloppy job, and no one else was around to
complain about the excess area his vehicle was taking up.
Breathing deeply through his nose in an attempt to calm himself, Gerard tried
to get his tear ducts under control so he could figure out what the fuck to do
now that he knew Frank's age, but the supposedly calming motion seemed to have
the opposite effect on him, and before Gerard could stop it, a tortured wail
was tearing its way out of his throat, the pitiful sound reverberating loudly
in the enclosed space.
Gerard couldn't stop crying now that he had started, fuck - this was the second
time in just as many days that he had allowed his emotions to break through the
supposedly impenetrable walls that he had built around his heart, but Frank had
been tearing them down ever since that first night that he had come into
Gerard's life, and now Gerard was left weakened and defenseless as an intense
outpouring of sorrow crashed over him, the never ending waves battering his
tired body as he gave up fighting against it, letting the hot tears spill down
his face freely, any attempt to wipe them away would be pointless, so Gerard
didn't bother, although the salt was stinging his skin, and his cheeks were
becoming uncomfortably sticky and stained with every passing moment.
And despite everything, Gerard wanted Frank there with him, he needed to hear
Frank's soothing voice, to lose himself in Frank's touch, to find comfort in
his presence, because Frank was one of the few people that Gerard could trust
when he got like this, he knew exactly what to do, what to say, and also
what not to do, but that was all ruined now, because Frank had shattered the
bond they had with his stupid lie, but fuck - Gerard would give anything to
turn back time to the days when he had no idea that Frank was underage.
Gerard should have caught on to this before, he had been suspicious when Frank
had claimed he was originally twenty-one, but his second admission had seemed
to be truthful, or maybe that was just what Gerard wanted to believe,
but still - Frank didn't look seventeen, or act like it, in fact, he seemed
older than Gerard half of the time, something about his countenance lending him
an air of age that far surprised the years he had lived.
And honestly, as fucked up as it sounded, Gerard didn't feel that much guilt
over the fact that he had slept with a seventeen year old boy, because despite
what the law said, Frank was obviously consenting, and hopefully his birthday
would be coming up soon, which would erase the illegal aspect of their
relationship, but adding his age to the fact that Gerard was his teacher made
everything so much worse, because this could ruin Frank's life, not to mention
Gerard's, and the only way to protect them both was for Gerard to cut Frank out
of his heart before anyone discovered their illicit tryst.
But fuck - Gerard didn't want to do that, Gerard didn't know if he could
physically ignore Frank for the rest of the year without shattering completely,
but he had to if he wanted to keep his job, his sanity, his freedom, but
ironically enough, Frank was the glue that had been holding Gerard together
over these past few weeks, and if he was removed from the fragile structure
that was Gerard's mental state, he might self-destruct either way, so no matter
what Gerard did, he was almost guaranteed to break apart in the end.
Gerard whimpered softly as reality sunk in, and alongside the bottomless well
of despair that continued to renew itself in the form of Gerard's soft cries
was a steadily growing pit of anger, because if Frank had just
fucking told Gerard about his age from day one, none of this would have
happened; Gerard wouldn't have gotten so attached, and even if he had, they
could have worked something out beforehand, they could have prepared for this,
but no - Frank had lied, he had blatantly deceived Gerard just like everyone
else in his life, and fuck - that hurt worse than anything else so far, even
more than the thought of losing Frank forever.
And now that Gerard's mind had latched onto Frank's deception, labeling it the
root of his problems, the thought began to twist in a dangerous direction,
causing Gerard to wonder if that was all that Frank had lied about, or if their
entire relationship had been one shaded truth after another, and if Frank had
even cared at all; maybe he had been faking everything, pretending to have
feelings for Gerard just so he could rip him apart in the end - just
like Colton, just like everyone else Gerard had let into his heart, their
seemingly good intentions always fooling him until everything blew up in his
face, and fuck - Gerard couldn't stop over-analyzing every moment he and Frank
had spent in each other's company, seeing their short time together in a new
light now that he knew that Frank wasn't this perfect being he had envisioned
him as.
Frank had always seemed genuine of course, and Gerard had believed him
explicitly before today, he had completely surrendered to him actually, which
was a stupid fucking decision on his part, but it was too late to take his
actions back, and he was paying for his naivety, the agony in his chest cavity
was making sure of that.
Gerard was almost tempted to call Frank, to demand the truth from the boy who
Gerard had never once doubted before this afternoon, but now that the seeds of
distrust had been planted, they were growing rapidly, the vicious weeds choking
Gerard, heavy tendrils formed of suspicion wrapping around his throat as
countless possibilities sprouted to life in his brain, his efforts at blocking
them out proving futile as memories started to flash behind his closed eyelids
without his consent.
Frank had seemed so interested in Gerard, but now that Gerard allowed himself
to reflect on the past, he had originally been at a bar only hours before
arriving at Gerard's place, with Mikey, which meant he was probably looking for
a man to spend the night with, because someone who was intending to go out for
a quick drink wouldn't escort a stranger home on a whim, and when Mikey had
incapacitated himself with drugs, Frank had simply latched on to the only other
person in the nearby vicinity, which had just happened to be Gerard, and Gerard
had fallen for his fuck me eyes and needy countenance, because Frank had made
Gerard feel important, he had made Gerard feel wanted, but what if that was all
a carefully constructed act that Frank turned on for any guy that looked at him
twice.
And then Frank had left, he had tried to sneak out of Gerard's house at some
ungodly hour of the morning, claiming that he had to be at his mother's, but
what if that was just another lie, what if Frank had been hurrying home to a
different man, a boyfriend even, or maybe he had just wanted to leave Gerard
once he had gotten what he wanted from him, not that Gerard blamed him,
but still - the very realistic possibility that Gerard had meant next to
nothing to Frank was ripping him apart, shredding his internal organs within a
metaphorical blender that had no off switch, at least not one that Gerard could
locate.
But then Frank had returned, he had shown up at Gerard's door a few hours later
on the verge of tears, but adding to the pile of questions in Gerard's head was
the why behind Frank's sudden reappearance; Frank had never explained himself,
and Gerard hadn't pressed him, because he of all people knew how revealing it
was to allow the thoughts in his head to pass his lips in the form of words,
because saying it aloud made everything that much more real, that much
more painful, and Gerard had related to Frank, he had assumed that he felt the
same way, but maybe Gerard had been trying to find similarities that didn't
exist in an attempt to feel close to someone for the first time in ages.
Maybe Frank had returned to a significant other, and a fight had occurred,
driving Frank back into Gerard's arm out of convenience, not need, but Frank
had seemed so genuine, he seemed to want Gerard more than anything else in the
world - hell, his face when Gerard had asked him to be his boyfriend couldn't
have been fabricated, that unbridled joy was impossible to fake, even by the
most skilled of actors.
But wait, Gerard had picked Frank up that night from a bar, and yes - he hadn't
been inside, but if Gerard remembered correctly, that was the same
establishment where he first met Mikey, which meant that he frequented that
place often, and not just to drink, but to pick up men, and what if he had only
come with Gerard because the pickings were slim that night, what if Gerard was
just a comfort zone for Frank until someone else better looking, or less fucked
up came along.
But that didn't make sense, because if Gerard was just a quick fuck, why would
Frank have put so much effort into their relationship, because he had, despite
all of Gerard's misgivings, especially once Gerard had made things official
between the two of them.
He would never forget how well Frank had dealt with the sight of his scars, how
Frank hadn't judged him, how Frank had waited outside of his room for an hour
when Gerard had broken down, the nerves at starting a new job manifesting
itself until he had spiraled out of control, but Frank hadn't been afraid of
him, Frank had stayed, Frank had managed to calm him down when no one else
could, and someone who was only interested in sex wouldn't go to such extreme
lengths to make sure that their significant other was okay - would they?
"Fuck!" Gerard screamed hoarsely, his voice echoing back at him as he slammed
his skull against the headrest angrily, because he didn't know what to do;
Frank was a walking contradiction, a liar, a lover, a saint, a sinner, and
Gerard didn't know what to believe now that the blinders that had been his
affection for Frank had been ripped away forcefully, but the remnants of them
still lingered, because despite everything, Gerard couldn't stop himself from
caring for Frank, he just didn't know if he could trust him anymore.
But now everything had gotten monumentally fucked up, and adding the fact that
Frank was his student on top of the mess of lies Gerard was struggling to sift
through with dismal results was too much, the weight was pressing against
Gerard's spine, cracking the delicate bones with the pressure of it, and no
matter how much Gerard screamed and fought, this wasn't going to go away, not
unless Gerard sought out help, and with Frank no longer able to provide that,
Gerard could only think of one other person to turn to.
With fumbling fingers, Gerard managed to tug his cell phone out of his pocket,
the tears blurring his vision clearing slightly as he peered down at his
notifications, and despite everything, Gerard was desperately hoping to see
something from Frank, a call, a text, anything, but there was nothing,
and fuck - that fact seemed to cement Gerard's misgivings, because if Frank had
cared, if Frank's only transgression and been the deception regarding his age,
then he would have tried to reach out to Gerard - right, but he hadn't, causing
the evidence to pile up against him, snapping one of the cords that Frank had
previously tied around Gerard's heart, the whiplash causing Gerard to gasp
loudly in pain before he returned to his original task.
After many failed attempts, Gerard managed to locate Bert's name in his
contacts, clumsily pressing the call button before bringing the device up to
his tear stained cheek, and in typical Bert fashion, he picked up in barely two
rings, his worried voice filling Gerard's ear, because Gerard never called
Bert, it was always the other way around, so he was correct to assume that
something was horribly wrong if it had caused Gerard to reach out to him first.
"Gerard - hey, you okay?" Bert asked, but Gerard found that he couldn't answer,
his throat was closing up with an unexpected surge of emotions that actually
weren't caused by Frank for once, and Gerard suddenly felt like the scum of the
earth for being such a shitty friend to Bert.
Bert was always there for him, no matter what, and he had been longer than
anyone else besides for Mikey, but Gerard took advantage to him, he only
reached out to him when he needed something, when he was falling apart, and
Bert seemed okay with that, but it wasn't right, and Gerard made a silent vow
to attempt to let Bert in more often from this point forward, because he was
the only one who had never hurt him, so Gerard wasn't even sure why he pushed
him away, besides for the fact that Bert knew too much.
Bert was an integral part of Gerard's past, which was something Gerard did his
best to forget, and Bert was nothing if not a reminder of that wretched time,
but still, he wasn't a maid that Gerard had hired to clean up his emotional
messes, and despite the hardships that would come with exposing himself to
another person, Gerard was determined to try and change his abhorrent treatment
of his best friend.
"Gerard - are you there?" Gerard's head snapped upward suddenly when he
realized that he still had Bert on the line; he had been too caught up in
reminiscing to answer his friend, and honestly - he didn't know what to say,
because just thinking about what had happened with Frank felt like nose diving
into a pile of shattered glass, so Gerard could only image how painful speaking
the words aloud would be.
"Yeah, I'm here...uh," Gerard stammered out, his nails digging into his wrist
desperately in a pitiful attempt to push his heartbreak aside with physical
pain, which was a habit he had been trying so fucking hard to break, but god -
Gerard wanted to hurt right now. "Bert I'm -" Gerard tried again, a soft sob
cutting his statement off before it could form a coherent sentence.
"What happened Gee, what's wrong?" Bert pressed gently, and Gerard could
clearly imagine his face on the other side of the call, his furrowed brows, his
kind eyes, the firm set to his lips, because that was a look that Bert had sent
Gerard's way too many times to count, and Gerard knew he had to explain himself
before Bert dropped everything and made Gerard tell him what had occurred in
person, which was not something Gerard wanted to deal with, doing it over the
phone was already hard enough.
"I - it's Frank, he - he lied to me Bert, you were right, just like always, and
I'm his teacher, and now - I don't know what to do Bert, I - I'm getting bad
again," Gerard gasped out, the pressure on his wrist increasing as he spoke,
the dull sting not enough, not even close, but Gerard couldn't allow himself to
go any further with this, not right here anyway, but fuck - he wanted to, the
urge was rising up in him with an intensity that he hadn't felt in months, and
Gerard honestly didn't know if he was strong enough to resist the fucked up
side of himself for very much longer.
"Oh god...where are you, is anyone there with you?" Bert's panicked tone caused
Gerard to release his painful grip on his skin, because he didn't want to do
this with Bert listening in, even if he was only scratching himself, his friend
didn't deserve that.
"I - I'm in my car, and I'm alone, I think I'm at a park or something," Gerard
sniffled softly, his head lolling against the closed window as he did his best
to focus on his best friend's voice, even though the hateful words in his head
were doing their best to drown everything else out.
"Do you need me to come get you? I'm still at the office, but I think I can be
out of here in about half an hour if I hurry."
"No - oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't know, go back to work Bert, I'll be okay,"
Gerard grimaced as he spoke, because okay was not an accurate label for his
current mental state, but he was already enough of a burden to Bert, so asking
him to drop everything he was doing just so he could come comfort Gerard wasn't
a viable option, no matter how badly Gerard needed his friend here with him.
"Hey - no, it's okay, I'm staying late to try and finish this program, but we
can talk at least, can you tell me more about what happened, I'm sort of
confused," Bert chuckled under his breath, using the small addition of humor to
try and lighten the heavy tone of their conversation, and Gerard appreciated
his attempt, even though it didn't have its desired effect on him.
"Well..." Gerard inhaled deeply, steadying himself before pouring out his story
to his best friend. "I started my job today, and everything was going pretty
well, until my last class, because of Frank - he was in it, he's my student,
and he's seventeen Bert, which is fucked up - I know, but as terrible as it
sounds, I still want him, I really do, but he - he lied to me, and now I don't
know what to, and I yelled at him, and he disappeared, and - and I want to
apologize, but he hasn't even called me, and I can't help but wonder if he is
turning into another Colton, what if he is just using me, what if he reports
me, I - I -"
"Gerard - hey, take a deep breath okay," Bert waited until Gerard had done what
he said before continuing. "You are right, that is fucked up, but don't go
jumping to conclusions just yet. I saw the way you acted when you talked about
Frank, and I don't think he is trying to hurt you, even though he should have
told you his age, but he is young, and dumb, so don't assume the worst okay?"
"But what do I do - I want to talk to him, to see if maybe we can work
something out, but at the same time, I can barely look at him without wondering
what else he has lied to me about, not to mention I could go to jail for this,
but - I really like him Bert, he seemed so perfect," Gerard wailed, his nails
making a new set of tracks in his skin as he spoke despite his best efforts to
stop himself.
"If I were you, and I'm not, so I don't know exactly what you are going
through, but I would take some time to make sure that Frank is worth this. I
can't really condone you being with someone who is underage, but only because
I'm worried about you...those things have a habit of getting out whether you
want them to or not, and even though Frank seems like a decent person from what
I have heard, he probably has friends he has told, and if one of them figures
out you are his teacher, shit is going to hit the fan, and no matter how great
of a guy he is, he isn't worth serving time, no one is - okay?"
"So what - I just ignore him and pretend like nothing ever happened?" Gerard
shuddered as he spoke, because as angry as he was at Frank, not to mention how
much he had hurt him, he didn't think he could do that, he couldn't just erase
the memory of their time together, no matter how much he wished he could.
"I - I don't know Gee, I think you should probably talk to him, to try and
figure out his intentions and if he plans on keeping quiet, but I know that
will be hard for you, so just take it slow, get your head screwed on straight
and figure out what you want before letting him back in. The logical side of me
wants to say get out before he ruins your life, but I have known you for ages
Gee, and I don't think anyone has ever made you as happy as him, even Mikey
thinks so." Gerard rolled his eyes at the fact that Bert had been keeping tabs
on him through Mikey, even though his friend couldn't see the gesture, but it
still made Gerard feel better.
"I - okay, I'm just gonna go home and try to sleep for a bit, I didn't get much
rest last night."
"Yeah, that sounds good Gee, and don't forget that you can call me if you start
to feel worse," Bert asked, and even though Gerard didn't know if he could hold
himself to that, he swore to at least try this time.
"I will...and Bert, thanks for picking up, I really needed to talk to someone,"
Gerard admitted shakily, because even though he hated appearing so weak in
front of anyone, even Bert, he was so fucking grateful to his friend for
putting up with him, and he didn't voice his appreciation for that anywhere
near enough.
"Of course, you know I'm always here whenever you need anything." Gerard could
hear Bert's smile coming across the line in his tone, and the fact that he had
made someone happy lessened the crushing weight on Gerard's chest a small
fraction. "Can you text me when you get home, just so I won't worry?"
"Yeah - I will, I'm heading there right now."
"Good, be safe Gee, oh shit - my boss just walked in, I have to go," Bert ended
on a whisper, and before Gerard could say goodbye, Bert had ended the call,
leaving Gerard with nothing else to do besides for start the car engine in
preparation for what would probably be a frustrating drive home, the fact that
he didn't know his exact location was going to make this journey interesting to
say the least.
But even after Gerard had gotten the key into the proper position, he stayed
frozen, because he wasn't ready to see the room where he and Frank had spent so
many nights together, or to lie on the sheets that probably still smelled like
him, but what other option did he have?
And fuck - Gerard's eyes were still fucking watering, and as much as he enjoyed
using pain as a distraction from his emotions, he really didn't want to get in
a car wreck on the way back to his apartment, so he began rummaging in his bag
blindly, hoping to emerge with a tissue, or an old shirt, or something he could
use to clear his vision from the irritating tears that Gerard
was really getting fed up with, but his search came up empty, only resulting in
knocking a few crumpled papers onto the floor instead.
And as Gerard bent over to retrieve the sheets so he could stuff then back
where they belonged, his vision locked onto a familiar name written boldly at
the top of one of the pages - it was Frank's assignment from earlier, of course
it was Frank's, and even though a part of Gerard wanted to tear the delicate
material to shreds so he wouldn't be faced with any reminder of the boy who had
caused him so much distress, Gerard found himself sitting up with it clenched
in his hand instead, his gaze dancing over the words that Frank had decided to
pen down, and fuck - Gerard didn't know what he was expecting Frank to take out
of this pointless exercise, but whatever it was, this hadn't been it.
It was an apology in the form of song lyrics, a heartfelt, seemingly sincere
plea for Gerard to forgive him, the final lines taken up entirely by a song
that Frank had supposedly written himself, and despite everything, Gerard felt
like the guilty one, his heart was twisting in his chest as he read over
Frank's desperate request for one more chance as another round of tears caught
him completely off guard.
Frank seemed so genuine, at least on paper, but as much as Gerard wanted to
believe Frank, and he did, fuck - he would do anything to salvage their
relationship - he couldn't forgive him so easily, because anyone could compose
a clever lie with the aid of ink, deception wasn't so easily detected through
the written word, and Gerard knew that something between him and Frank had been
ruined, the fragile trust he had placed in Frank was shattered into a million
tiny pieces that would take years to reconstruct.
So even if Frank's only lie had been his age, it didn't really matter in the
scheme of things, because regardless of the intense yearning to call Frank, to
hear his voice once more, even if it was through a crappy cell connection, to
tell him they could work everything out somehow, the urge to do so physically
causing Gerard's hand to tremble wildly, Gerard didn't; instead, he slumped
down against the steering wheel weakly, sobbing into his arms as the
hopelessness of his situation finally sunk in.
Because even if Gerard let Frank back in, even if he ignored the illegal
aspects to their relationship, even if they escaped detection from the
authorities, it wouldn't be the same, because Gerard had been hurt now, he had
been betrayed, and he knew from experience that allowing someone access to his
heart a second time would never end well, even if that someone was Frank.
Gerard whimpered softly under his breath as he came to the conclusion that
whatever they had was ending before it had even started, and although it was
Gerard's fault that this was happening in a way, it still hurt - so fucking
much, making Gerard consider the possibility that maybe he was being too hasty
in his decision, but no - that would only give Frank the opportunity to wound
him again, to tear his heart out which was already hanging by a slender thread,
and Gerard wasn't stupid enough to let that happen, even though a few more
weeks with Frank might be worth the agony he would receive later on.
***** Friendly Fire *****
Frank knew he was dreaming somehow, his instincts telling him that none of this
was real despite the pungent smell of damp earth filling his nostrils that
seemed more genuine than any scent he could produce with his imagination, or
the clogging veil of terror inundating every one of his nerves endings, but
even though Frank was aware that this was all a fabrication concocted by his
mind, he couldn't seem to wake himself up, no matter how many sharp pinches he
applied to his sweat soaked skin.
But although Frank's senses were amplified to almost inhuman proportions, his
emotions weren't, and that in itself was all Frank needed to assure himself
that he was indeed in an world invented by his subconscious state, because
Frank's heart didn't feel like it was being dragged out of his chest by prying
fingers, his stomach had stopped writhing uncomfortable as if his organs had
come alive inside of him, his head was clear and focused, and despite the fact
that he still ached, and the simple recollection of everything that had
happened with Gerard released a dull wave of pain that slowly rolled over his
entire body, it was muted, it was bearable, and a part of Frank wanted to stay
asleep forever if it meant that he would continue to be granted this much
needed respite.
Frank allowed his eyes to crack open a small margin, trying to decipher where
he was, and why he couldn't move, a part of him not wanting to deal with the
horrors of his subconscious, the whole reason he had drifted off was to escape
the ordeals he had suffered through earlier on, but curiosity won out, even
though Frank instantly regretted his action when grit and mud slipped in-
between his lids, producing stinging tears in an attempt to remove the
irritating substance from Frank's corneas.
The brief view Frank had caught of his surroundings around him hadn't been very
informative, all he had managed to deduce was that he was lying on his back,
the material underneath him molded around his frame, leading Frank to believe
that it was the same dirt that was covering his face and torso, keeping him
pinned down with its weight, the darkness surrounding his partially submerged
body erasing all other clues to his location, but it really didn't matter
anyway, because when another layer of soil hit Frank's body, the silt seeming
to appear from the sky like rainwater, Frank understood what was happening - he
was being buried alive.
Frank chuckled under his breath at the realization, the paltry attempt at
humoring transforming into a wracking cough as small particles of dust were
dragged into his lungs, but Frank couldn't stop his hysterical laughter, it was
the only thing keeping him from bursting out in tears after all, and faking
mirth was better than letting his weakness show to whoever was doing this to
him, even in a dream.
Frank never understood how dreams worked, although this should probably be
classified as a nightmare, but either way, it seemed strange that at times
Frank's brain would produce random images that made absolutely no sense, but
now it had knitted together a perfect analogy for his current predicament, the
heavy soil representing the weight of Frank's lie, the rapidly rising level of
it accurately portraying Frank's chances of finding a way out of his falsities
in the real world, the constriction in his lungs matching the sensations he
felt whenever he allowed himself to reminisce on the way Gerard had looked at
him when his secret had finally been revealed in the worst way possible.
And even though Frank was aware that this was a fantasy, he instinctually
fought against the second round of soil as it poured down around his small
frame, his limbs twisting helplessly as he tried to escape, because maybe if he
survived this illusion, it would mean something, or at the very least, it would
give him hope that he had a chance at getting through to Gerard, although Frank
was well aware how illogical his thought pattern was, but he was willing to
cling to any scant amount of foolish conclusions his mind presented to him at
the moment.
And just the thought of Gerard had Frank intensifying his pointless struggles,
his chest heaving from his efforts as he managed to free one of his arms from
the growing pile of silt, the added leverage helping him to put more strength
into unearthing the rest of his buried body, but just when Frank was convinced
that he could do this, that he could escape, an even larger amount of dirt
cascaded into the pit, smothering Frank entirely, leaving only his neck and
head free, and Frank knew that the next load would bury him completely.
"Gerard!" Frank cried hoarsely, his voice ringing out unnaturally loud in the
otherwise silent air, no other sounds broke the eerie stillness, not even a
shuffle from whoever was condemning Frank to an agonizing death by suffocation.
"Please help me..." Frank tried again, his broken sentence projecting in a much
weaker manner, because if Gerard was a part of this dream, he would surely have
rushed to Frank's aid by now, no matter how furious he was with him, but the
dark haired man was nowhere to be seen.
And just when Frank was doing his best to resign himself to his fate, a soft
sob reached his soil filled ears, the sound tearing his heart in two, because
he knew that cry, he would recognize it anywhere - it was Gerard, but the
proximity of the exclamation could only mean one thing, and even in a dream,
Frank didn't want to believe the verdict that his mind had reached.
"I'm so sorry Frank," Gerard spoke up just then, ruining Frank's attempt at
pretending that Gerard wasn't the one filling in his makeshift grave, but he
was, of course he was, this only completed the metaphor that Frank had caught
on to originally, but this wasn't the way it was supposed to be, Gerard was
supposed to save Frank, not murder him, but even though Frank's body protested
painfully when the next round of silt rained down around him, he couldn't find
it in himself to be angry with Gerard.
"Why?" Frank croaked out, his lips stained with grit and mud, the taste barely
registering next to the bile that was flooding his mouth.
"I don't want to do this, but I have to...please Frank, please forgive me,"
Gerard begged, his tone conveying a sense of despair that matched the
sensations Frank was currently feeling, but despite their situations, Frank
found himself wanting to comfort Gerard, even if he used his last breath in
doing so.
"It's okay...just keep talking to me," Frank pressed gently, doing his best to
ignore the fact that he was mostly covered in grave dirt, pretending that he
was by Gerard's side instead, with his arms wrapped around the older man like
he ached for them to be.
"I'm saving you Frank - I know it doesn't seem like it, but you have to trust
me," Gerard pleaded, a scraping sound following his sentence which Frank could
only assume was caused by a shovel, even though his prying eyes spied nothing
besides for the greying sky, no matter how forcefully he craned his neck in an
pathetic attempt to bring Gerard into his line of vision.
"Okay," Frank found himself saying, even though he hadn't meant to let the word
slip past his lips, because although he did trust Gerard more than anyone else
in the world, he also knew that Gerard had given up, his burial of Frank was
symbolic of that, this entire sequence was a warped version of their tattered
relationship, and that left Frank to fight for them alone, but apparently the
dream version of him had withdrawn from the battle as well.
And although Frank wanted to scream, to break out of his prison formed of soil,
to grab onto Gerard and never let him go until he changed his mind, it was too
late, Gerard was dumping the last traces of soil over Frank's head, and even
though Frank couldn't see Gerard through the grit obscuring his view, he
somehow knew that he was weeping, his tears mixing in with the earth as Frank
surrendered to the death Gerard had forced him to accept.
~~~
Frank awoke suddenly, an unfamiliar touch on his arm jolting him away from the
fading images left behind by his nightmare, but the meaning of the dream stayed
with him, even though Frank didn't possess the energy to decipher if there was
any truth behind what his brain had produced, and honestly, Frank didn't want
to ponder the parallels between the mental concoction and his current
predicament, he already had more than enough to worry about at the moment.
"You awake Frank?" Mikey's questioning tone inspired Frank to nod his head
wearily, his eyes refusing to open just yet. "Well...Gee is on his way home,
are you sure you are up for talking to him right now?"
That announcement of Gerard's eminent arrival had Frank sitting up quickly, his
stubborn lids finally responding to his brain's signals, allowing him to take
in Mikey's slightly blurry face as he tried to orient himself after the sudden
movement. Frank still felt shaky and weak, but the short nap had pushed back
the overwhelming nausea he had been experiencing earlier, it had left a
pounding headache in its place though, and Frank wasn't sure which one was
worse.
"Yeah...I have to do it today, I'll drive myself crazy otherwise," Frank
responded slowly, his tongue lying thick and heavy in his dry mouth.
"Okay..." Mikey sighed under his breath, his gaze raking over Frank's quilt
covered body for a moment before continuing, and Frank noticed that his pupils
weren't nearly as dilated as they had been earlier, leading Frank to wonder how
long he had dozed off for. "I'm sure you want some privacy, so I'll be in my
room, but if things get bad, don't be afraid to leave, or to come get me.
Gerard doesn't do well with confrontation, and I don't want you getting hurt."
"I'll be fine Mikey, I just need some answers, but I won't push him if he
doesn't want to speak with me," Frank promised, even though he wasn't entirely
sure if he could keep to his vow, because he hadn't come all this way to simply
admit defeat so easily, but he also didn't want to drive Gerard any further
from him than he already had.
"It's going to be okay Frank, even if Gerard doesn't listen right away, he
won't be able to ignore you forever," Mikey murmured, but his words did nothing
to comfort Frank, quite the opposite actually, because it seemed that Mikey was
already convinced that this encounter wasn't going to turn out in Frank's
favor, and coming from Gerard's brother, that left Frank despondent and on the
verge of tears once again.
"I have to try at least," Frank sniffled, swallowing down his sorrow with an
incredible effort of will, determined not to break down before Gerard had even
walked through the front door, he had already cried more today than he had in
the past two years for fucks sake.
"I know, and good luck," Mikey smiled weakly, his hand squeezing Frank's
shoulder gently before he vacated the room, leaving Frank alone with nothing
but his churning thoughts as he tried to work out what he wanted to say to
Gerard when he came home.
Frank couldn't seem to organize the mess inside his head long enough to form a
coherent plea which would win Gerard back though, and not because he couldn't
find the words, but because he had too many emotions for a few simple sentence
to convey his meaning, fuck - even his assignment hadn't been enough space for
Frank to adequately do that, and that may have been a pointless waste of paper
anyway, Frank wasn't sure if Gerard would ever read that or not, and it
probably wouldn't make a difference in the end.
All Frank knew was that he needed Gerard; he had somehow become essential to
his survival in the span of a few short weeks, and no - Frank wouldn't
physically perish if Gerard rejected him for the second time, but if he
continued to feel as dreadful as he did right now, Frank was sure he would wish
for oblivion to end the suffering he was sure to endure if that happened to be
the case.
Frank didn't know why he felt this way, or how he had fallen head over heels
for the older man, but it was too late to change what had already occurred, so
all he could do was hope that Gerard shared his sentiments, and his feeling for
Frank would override the transgressions brought on by Frank's age and the
illegal nature of their relationship.
And just when Frank's breathing had begun to return to a normal rate, and his
head had ceased to feel as if a hammer was constantly bearing down on it, the
awaited sound of a key turning in the lock resounded out much louder than it
should have, and even though Frank had been anticipating this moment ever since
his eyes had first opened, he found himself shrinking down into the cushions
fearfully, his limbs trembling with a sudden wash of fear as he wrapped the
blanket tighter around his shaking frame.
"Mikes...you home?" Gerard's voice called out, his tone harsh and lower than
usual, and fuck - Frank actually whimpered low in his throat when the utterance
reached his ears, because Gerard sounded as if he had been sobbing heavily for
quite some time, his beautiful timbre that usually soothed Frank instantly
grating on his shot nerves instead.
"Gerard..." Frank tried to speak up, to make his presence known, but the words
wrapped around his tongue, releasing only a garbled, barely distinguishable
noise instead of a coherent sentence.
But it didn't matter that Frank had lost the ability to speak, because Gerard
was making his way into the living room, his body slumped forward in a defeated
gesture, his messenger bag seeming to weigh him down as if it was filled with
boulders instead of papers, but even though Frank noticed all of this, he
pushed the observations aside, instead choosing to drink in the image of Gerard
hungrily, focusing on his messy black hair, his thin lips, his pronounced
cheekbones, the features still bringing a small spark of joy to Frank's chest
even though they were painted with dejection.
"Frank," Gerard stated coldly, his eyes finally landing on the younger boy as
he paused in the hallway, the lack of emotion in his voice ripping Frank wide
open, but he pushed aside the rush of agony stubbornly, determined to hold
himself together for just a little while longer. "You shouldn't be here,"
Gerard added on after a few moments, turning his back to Frank as he tossed off
his shoes and dumped the rest of his belongings on the floor haphazardly.
"I know...and I'm sorry, I really am, but I just had to see you," Frank mumbled
quietly, his hands losing their grip on the quilt he had been cocooned in, the
blanket fluttering to rest on the edge of the couch softly as Frank stood up
determinedly.
"Not now Frank," Gerard sighed tiredly, the utter exhaustion Gerard projected
tearing at Frank's heartstrings, and in any other situation, Frank would gladly
leave Gerard until he was in a better state, but he couldn't do that this time,
because that would be akin to giving up on everything they had shared together,
and Frank wasn't going to admit defeat that easily.
"Please Gerard, just hear me out, then I will go - I promise, but you have to
let me explain," Frank pleaded softly, his eyes beginning to water once more,
the tears burning his corneas as if they were made of acid instead of salt
water.
"There is nothing you can say to make this better, fuck - why didn't you just
tell me your age in the first place?" Gerard groaned, his body still angled
toward the corner, hiding his expression from Frank's prying graze.
"You know why Gerard," Frank enunciated slowly, but when he received no
response from the older man, he continued in the hopes of clarifying himself,
"you would have thrown me out that night if I did, you wouldn't have wanted
anything to do with me, and I had to take the chance to be with you while it
was there, I couldn't risk everything with the truth back then, but I was going
to tell you once I turned eighteen."
"And when is that?" Gerard asked warily, his muscles tensing up visibly
underneath his clothing as if he was expecting a dagger to be jabbed into his
spine instead of a simple answer.
"October thirty-first, it's only a few months away." Gerard remained silent
after Frank's proclamation, his air of indifference infuriating Frank,
inspiring him to lash out at Gerard, even though he regretted it as soon as he
opened his mouth. "This isn't entirely my fault you know, you neglected to
mention that you taught high school. If I had been aware of that fact, I would
have told you sooner."
"But I didn't lie about it, you just never asked," Gerard snapped back, his
body spinning on his heels sharply so he could make eye contact with Frank,
and fuck - Frank's knees almost buckled under the scathing look Gerard shot
him, but he pressed onward determinedly, doing his best to ignore the menacing
aura surrounding Gerard, even though it was pressing down upon him with even
greater force than the soil in his nightmare had.
"You're right, and I'm not trying to defend myself, it doesn't matter now
anyway, but I want to fix this, I want to find a way to make this work, because
there is something here Gerard, something special...please tell me you feel the
same way?" Frank begged, his voice cracking so many times during his outburst
of words that Frank wasn't entirely sure if Gerard had understood him, but
judging by the conflicted emotions dancing across Gerard's features, he had
managed to decipher Frank's meaning.
"Frank...I can't okay, not yet," Gerard retorted, each word falling from his
lips slowly, the syllables carrying a brittle edge to them, as if the sound
would shatter at any moment.
Frank swore his internal functions paused at Gerard's proclamation, his limbs
froze up, his mind halted his frantic train of thought for the first time all
day, Gerard's harsh statement filling up the empty space, the sentence
reverberating loudly in his ears that failed to pick up any other sound, and
fuck - Frank had known Gerard was unhappy with his deception, but still, had
his one well-intended falsity truly ruined all of the affection that had
previously existed between the two of them?
"You - you don't...do you hate me now?" Frank managed to stutter out, his eyes
squeezing shut in a pointless attempt at removing himself from the firing line
he had willingly walked into, but the lack of sight did nothing to lessen
Gerard's presence at the other side of the room, Frank could still hear his
feet shuffling against the carpet, as well as his almost imperceptible gasp
that followed Frank's question.
"No Frank - fuck, that isn't what I meant, I could never hate you, I just don't
know if there can be anything serious between us while I am still your
teacher," Gerard attempted to rectify his previous statement, and even though
the amendment wasn't exactly what Frank had been hoping to receive, it was an
improvement, allowing Frank to drag in a delayed gulp of oxygen which his
starving lungs appreciated greatly.
"Fine...that's fine, but can you at least tell me what you are thinking, I -
I'm sorry, so fucking sorry, I will say it a thousand times if I have to, and I
don't expect you to forgive me right away, but I need to know if we still have
a chance." Frank took a careful step forward, his motions pausing when Gerard
flinched away violently, his adverse reaction draining Frank off all the
gathered hopes he had managed to dredge together over the past few hours, the
aspirations he had for this conversation draining out of him rapidly as he sat
back down with a muted thud.
Gerard's face crumpled as he observed Frank's deflate before his eyes, and much
to Frank's surprise, Gerard moved this time, crossing the short distance
between them in short, choppy strides, his hands clenched into fists at his
side, the nails digging in so deeply that he was positive they would have drawn
blood if they hadn't been chewed down to nubs.
"I don't want to hurt you Frank, but you have to understand, we can't just
pretend like you are eighteen, no matter how badly I want to, and fuck - I do
Frank, I really do, but I need time to think okay?" Gerard pleaded, his posture
stiffening as Frank glanced upward momentarily, displaying his watery eyes to
Gerard despite his shame.
"How much time?" Frank choked out, tears freely running down his cheeks, his
efforts at holding them back breaking under the crushing realization that
Gerard wasn't ready to take him back, not now, maybe not ever.
"I don't know Frank..." Gerard whispered, his gaze darting away from Frank's in
a guilty manner that did nothing to alleviate Frank's pain, because he didn't
want Gerard to feel remorse for this, he just wanted everything to go back to
the way it was before, but that was apparently off the table in Gerard's mind.
"I don't want this to end Gerard...I - I really care about you, please...give
me one more chance, I swear - I will tell you everything you want to know, no
more secrets, just ask," Frank babbled out, each expulsion of words akin to
dragging himself across a floor filled with shards of glass, but it was too
late for Frank to retreat now, going back would hurt just as much as continuing
forward, and Frank was already committed now, the wounds he obtained along the
way were insubstantial as long as he could make Gerard listen to him for a few
more moments.
"Fucking hell Frank, just stop it okay, I'm sure you have plenty of guys lining
up to fuck you, so you don't have to pretend like I matter," Gerard spat
suddenly, anger erasing the previous sorrow that had tainted Gerard's words,
the harsh emotions painting him in a red tinted light that actually terrified
Frank, which was a sensation he had never felt around Gerard before.
"No - Gerard...I would never do that to you, you are the only person I'm
seeing, the only one I want to be with...what can I do to make you believe me?"
Frank cried softly, his hands fumbling for his phone in a desperate attempt at
proving his innocence, shoving the device in Gerard's direction stubbornly.
"Here - go through my messages, there is nothing there, no other men."
"Frank...stop," Gerard sighed, making no move to even glance down at the
lighted screen in front of him. "I'm not even sure why I said that, and I
wouldn't blame you if there was."
"There isn't Gerard, I don't want anyone else, just you okay? You are the first
person I've ever been in a real relationship with, the first person who has
made me feel this way, and I - I can't lose that, not like this," Frank gasped
out, trying and failing to regain his composure once more. "I'll do anything
Gerard, just tell me what you want from me, I know I fucked up, but I want to
make it up to you, just show me how."
"I don't know, I don't know anything anymore," Gerard whined, his head falling
into his hands tiredly as he spoke. "I want to trust you, but I can't, I - my
head's a mess, I just need to be alone for a little while."
"Okay...I understand, but..." Frank trailed off suddenly, his eyes catching
sight of the faint red marks peeking out of the edge of Gerard's white button
up shirt, the raised lines causing him to swallow heavily against the small
amount of bile that leaked into his mouth as he imagined how they had come to
be, "I can't leave unless I know you will be okay."
"I'll be fine Frank...I'm just so tired, and I can't think straight, but please
don't cry, this doesn't change how I feel about you, I just don't know what to
do right now."
"So you do care about me?" Frank asked, his lower lip trembling as his body
disregarded Gerard's request, silent sobs shaking his frame as Gerard slumped
down next to him wearily.
"Yeah...I do, I shouldn't, because this is wrong, and you need to find someone
your own age, someone who can give you everything you deserve, but I won't lie
to you and say that you don't mean more to me than you probably should." Frank
shuddered softly at Gerard's subtle jab at his own falsity, but Frank deserved
that, he knew he did, but that didn't mean that he agreed with the rest of
Gerard's statement.
"Gerard...don't say that, you are fucking amazing okay, I still can't believe
that someone like you actually wanted to be my boyfriend, so if anyone should
go off and find someone better, that would be you."
"I'm a fuck up Frank, you didn't know me two years ago, hell - you barely know
me now, so believe me when I say it's better for you if you get as far away
from me as you can before I drag you down with me," Gerard scoffed under his
breath, his shoulders slumping downward as if he didn't have the strength to
hold himself up any longer.
"Stop it Gerard, fucking stop it okay." Frank's harsh tone snapped Gerard's
head up, the watery sheen coating his irises bringing a fresh round of tears to
Frank's own eyes. "I am okay with you being pissed at me, I am fine with you
not wanting to talk to me right now, but don't you dare say shit about yourself
like that, because it isn't true. I'm still just as crazy about you as I was
yesterday, my age doesn't change that, so stop doubting everything just because
I was an idiot who hid one fact from you."
Gerard opened and closed his mouth numerous times, his expression resembling a
gasping fish for a few short moments, no words emitting from his open lips
despite the fact that his adam's apple bobbed up and down heavily. When Gerard
started visibly trembling, Frank couldn't help but to wrap his arms around
Gerard's waist, and even though he was expecting the older man to shove him
away, the opposite happened; Gerard melted into Frank's touch, his head
burrowing into Frank's shoulder as his lungs nosily drew in air.
"You should go," Gerard mumbled softly, his words providing a stark contrast to
his actions, but Frank understood that Gerard was confused, and his presence in
his home probably wasn't helping that at all, but Frank was selfish, and he
wasn't going to leave, not until Gerard forcibly made him, even though the
distance might allow Gerard to reach a solid decision about their relationship
sooner rather than later.
"I don't want to," Frank responded truthfully, his hold around Gerard
tightening a small fraction, his mind doing its best to imprint this feeling
into an everlasting memory just in case he never got to experience this
situation again.
"I won't hurt myself, I promise," Gerard sighed out, finally disentangled his
limbs from Frank and returning to his side of the couch with a heavy sigh.
"Will you call me later?" Frank asked hopefully, unsure of what to expect from
the unstable man, but he had to ask, he wouldn't be able to function without
some sort of reassurance.
"I - maybe, I don't know, it might not be a good idea...someone could find
out," Gerard protested, his long fingered hands rubbing together nervously in a
manner that had Frank clenching his own appendages into fists to prevent
himself from reaching out and stopping Gerard's motions.
"I haven't told anyone Gerard," Frank stated firmly, "well, my friend Pete
knows I'm dating you, but he doesn't even go to my school, and I only just
found out you are my teacher today," Frank chuckled softly, trying to inject a
small amount of humor into the heavy conversation.
"Good - that's good, um...but you probably shouldn't come over here as much,
just in case someone sees, and uh..."
"I'll be careful Gerard, I promise, but does this mean that we are still
together?" Frank finally asked the question that had been ripping him apart
ever since Gerard had initially thrown him out of his classroom earlier in the
day, his lungs ceasing to draw oxygen, his heart pausing its constant motions
as he awaited the words that would heal the agony he had been in all afternoon,
or deliver the final blow that would destroy Frank once and for all.
"I - I don't know Frank, this...this is illegal, but I want to be...still - I
think we should keep our distance from each other for a little while, let this
all sink in, but if you still want me once you have cleared your head, maybe we
can work something out."
"Oh," Frank exhaled loudly, unsure of how to react to Gerard's vague response,
because he had thought he made it perfectly clear that he desired nothing more
than to be with Gerard, age difference or not, teacher or not, but Gerard still
seemed convinced that Frank was going to change his mind at any moment. "I'm
always going to want to be with you," Frank added on after a few moments of
silence had passed, his hand tentatively linking with Gerard's lax one loosely.
"I hope so," Gerard murmured, his admission so soft that Frank had to strain
his ears to catch that muted sentence. "Do you need a ride home, I can have
Mikey take you."
"No, I'll walk," Frank whimpered quietly, the sting of rejection returning once
more when Gerard made it abundantly clear that he still wanted Frank to leave,
and even though Frank tried to rationalize the situation, it still
fucking hurt, and he was tired of fighting against the inevitable fact that
Gerard truly wanted Frank to vacate the premises. "Just...please call me if you
need something - anything, I still want to be there for you, even if it has to
be as nothing more than a friend," Frank pleaded, his teeth digging into the
inner wall of his mouth as he tried to force the images of Gerard crying and
alone from his stubborn brain.
"I will, but I'll be okay Frank, don't worry about me."
"That's sort of hard to do," Frank sighed, standing up reluctantly when Gerard
did, following the older man down the hallway which led to the door, retrieving
his bag on the way which had somehow ended up near the kitchen entryway, even
though Frank didn't remember placing it there, his feet dragging heavily with
every step, but even with Frank's obvious display projecting his desire to be
allowed to stay, Gerard continued onward relentlessly.
"Are you going to be okay?" Gerard turned Frank's own query around on him once
they had both paused on the small rug in the entryway, his head tilting to the
side as he awaited Frank's answer patiently.
Frank honestly didn't know what to say though, because right now, with Gerard
directly adjacent to him, he felt strong enough to wait however long Gerard
needed him to, but Frank had a feeling that he wouldn't maintain the same
positive attitude when Gerard was no longer there smiling down at him fondly,
but what choice did he have?
"I don't know, I think so," Frank nodded in what was supposed to be a
reassuring manner, but Gerard didn't look entirely convinced, which Frank
didn't blame him for, because Frank wasn't either. "Just...don't forget about
me okay?"
"I won't," Gerard stated solemnly, his mouth pulling into a frown as Frank sunk
inward on himself, his eyed glued to the floor to hide the fact that he had
started crying again from Gerard, the effort proven futile with Gerard's next
sentence. "I'm not worth your tears Frank," Gerard murmured affectionately, his
thumb wiping away the salt water staining his cheeks, causing Frank to lean
into his touch hungrily.
"Bullshit." Frank released a halfhearted chuckle, his eyes fluttering shut as
Gerard cupped the side of Frank's face in his palm. "Can you kiss me - please,
just one more time," Frank asked without opening his lids, because despite the
fact that he was trying his hardest to maintain a positive outlook, that was
much easier said than done, even though Gerard hadn't broken up with him
straight away at the very least, but still - the deep seated pit of dread
forming in Frank's stomach wouldn't allow him to erase the possibility that
this might be his final opportunity to request such an intimate action from the
older man, so he had to take it, his mind silently begging Gerard not to deny
him this paltry form of closure.
"Okay," Gerard responded instantly, his warm breath ghosting across Frank's
nose as his head titled downward, his chapped lips grazing against Frank's
gently before Frank surged forward, deepening the kiss as their bodies pressed
together gently.
Frank sighed into the kiss happily, trying to ignore the bitter traces of
sorrow he could taste on Gerard's skin, or the fact that his throat was closing
up with the urge to sob for the hundredth time that afternoon, because despite
how wonderful the sensation of having his mouth connected to Gerard's was,
something had changed, they were different now, and the action that had once
brought Frank so much joy only exacerbated everything that he could lose if
things went badly over the next few days, but that didn't mean that Frank
wanted to pull away, quite the opposite actually.
Frank would give anything to make this moment to last forever, because then all
of his problems would fade away as the minutes ticked past, then he could stay
here with Gerard, he could kiss him until the school year had ended and nothing
would be able to keep them apart, but that was impossible of course, and much
too soon for Frank's liking, Gerard stepped back slightly, leaving Frank
suddenly cold and empty with Gerard's torso touching his.
"Thank you," Frank gasped out, his eyes stinging as Gerard pulled open the
door, signaling to Frank that their time together was up, and fuck - Frank
hoped it was just for tonight, but he knew it could be quite a while before he
was welcomed into Gerard's home once more.
"It's going to be okay Frank," Gerard murmured as he placed a reassuring hand
on Frank's spine, simultaneously comforting him while still encouraging him to
take the few steps that would remove him from Gerard's apartment entirely, but
the cracked quality to his tone nullified his uplifting message, and Frank knew
that if he turned his gaze a few inches higher, Gerard's eyes would be just as
waterlogged as his own, but he couldn't bring himself to witness the despair
that was so apparent in Gerard's voice. "I'm sorry, but you have to go now."
Frank couldn't respond, his tongue lay dormant and swollen in his mouth, and
despite the sudden, desperate urge to say something, to leave Gerard with one
more promise, or a goodbye, anything really, Frank found himself allowing
Gerard to push him outside, the kindness behind his actions doing nothing to
alleviate the hot spikes of pain that only seemed to subdue when Gerard was
present, and before Frank could so much as wave farewell to his maybe
boyfriend, the wooden barrier was shut firmly, providing a physical obstruction
between Frank and the man that meant entirely too much to him.
And even though Frank knew he needed to get home before his mother began to
worry, because it was already getting late, and she was surely curious as to
Frank's whereabouts, if she recalled his existence today that was, he wasn't
able to make if any further than the steps leading down to the first level
before he collapsed heavily, his tired limbs draining of all the energy seeing
Gerard had imbued them with, depositing Frank onto the scratchy concrete, his
back coming up to lean against a nearby wall as he tugged his shaking knees to
his heaving chest.
And despite the fact that anyone could see Frank if they happened to walk by,
and he was in no shape to answer questions if someone did, he allowed himself
to lose control of his turbulent emotions, all of the tears he had been holding
back around Gerard swelling into an out of control surge of sorrow that had
Frank sobbing brokenly into his hands, his lungs burning as his body tried to
find time to inhale in-between his wracking cries.
Frank attempted to calm himself down, repeating over and over again that Gerard
still cared for him, that they might still have a chance at a proper
relationship, but his efforts proved useless, something in Gerard's dead eyes
didn't back up his words, and Frank knew this wouldn't be easy, not that any
relationship between a teacher and a student ever was, but still - Frank hadn't
asked for this, he hadn't known what he was getting himself into, yet he was
still willing to make it work, but Gerard had to participate in the struggle as
well if they had any chance at happiness.
But it seemed that Gerard had already given up the fight, and even though Frank
hadn't, not yet at least, the knowledge that Gerard hadn't instantly assured
Frank that they could make it thought this felt like a dagger lodged inside of
his sternum, the point twisting continuously as each new revelation was brought
to light, and even though Frank hadn't expected a miracle, he had hoped that
seeing Gerard would at least remove the foreign obstruction pressing against
his most vital organs, but instead, it had only buried the sharp edges even
deeper inside of him.
Oh god...it hurt, it hurt so fucking much, and Frank needed to cry, he had to
expel his internal agony before burying the remainder back down into the ever
growing pile of pain that Frank carried around with him constantly, but even
then, Frank wasn't entirely certain if he could bear this weight, not after
having Gerard help carry the load with him for the last few weeks, but Frank
had a feeling he was going to be forced to either way, and if he wanted to win
back Gerard's trust, he would have to suffer through it somehow.
***** Falling Down The Rabbit Hole *****
As soon as Gerard shut the door behind Frank's retreating figure, he broke -
physically and mentally; his knees buckled underneath him, depositing his body
onto the floor in a messy heap of limbs and ruination, the tears he had refused
to shed in front of Frank spilling down his cheeks suddenly, his chest aching
as he clutched at his hair weakly, pulling the dark strands sharply in an
attempt to push his emotional agony to the background with a dose of physical
pain.
Forcing Frank to leave had been the hardest thing Gerard had ever had to do in
his life, in fact, he had almost lost his resolve numerous times during their
short conversation, and it had taken all of the mental willpower he possessed
to hold true to his earlier decision of giving them both some time to think
about what they were getting themselves into, even though the only thing Gerard
had wanted to do was to clutch tightly to Frank's small frame and never let him
go.
But this separation was the best option for the both of them, even though it
didn't feel that way, but no matter how much Gerard cared for Frank, he
couldn't allow him to ruin his life by participating in an illegal
relationship, even if he was willing to risk everything for a chance to be with
Gerard.
And honestly - Gerard didn't understand why Frank was so invested in him,
although yes - there was something there between them, a undeniable bond that
Gerard had never experienced with another human being before, but he had never
been sure if Frank felt it as well, or if he simply enjoyed the way Gerard gave
him attention, the way he listened to him, the way he provided him with a
shoulder to cry on, but if Frank could be believed, which Gerard still wasn't
one-hundred percent certain about, than Gerard meant more to Frank than he
could ever begin to fathom, and although that thought did release a soft spark
of joy in Gerard's chest, it also hurt, because Frank shouldn't feel that way
about him, it would only end in pain.
"Gee?" Mikey's voice broke through Gerard's self-imposed misery, his soft
footsteps resounding alongside Gerard's choked sobs until his sock clad toes
appeared at the edges of Gerard's blurred field of vision. "How are you holding
up?" Mikey asked warily, causing Gerard to release a strangled laugh, because
his slumped over position in front of the door spoke volumes for his mental
state, not to mention the tear tracks staining his swollen face, but he knew
that Mikey meant well, so he forced himself to answer, although the last thing
he wanted to do was talk about his feelings.
"Not that well," Gerard chuckled dryly, his fingers trembling as he pressed
them against his eyes in an effort to stop crying for long enough to reassure
Mikey that he would be fine, even though Gerard wasn't anywhere close to that,
but he didn't want to worry Mikey any more than he already was.
"I'm sorry - I probably shouldn't have let Frank in here, but he was a wreck,
and I couldn't just leave him like that...you know?" Mikey murmured softly, as
if the mention of Frank's name might shatter Gerard completely if it was
uttered at a volume louder than a whisper, which might not actually be too far
from the truth.
"No - it's okay, I needed to talk with him anyway...I just didn't know it would
be so hard," Gerard choked out, shrinking in on himself in the process, because
maybe if he made himself smaller, he could protect himself from the
metaphorical arrows filled with sorrow that were continuously piercing his
battered frame, or maybe not, but either way, he felt slightly better with his
knees tucked against his chest and his forehead resting against them.
"What did you say to him?" Mikey prodded gently, and Gerard wasn't sure if
Mikey was simply trying to get Gerard to release some of his emotional torment
through words, or if he honestly didn't know, because Gerard wouldn't put it
past Mikey to eavesdrop on his private conversations, he had done it numerous
times before after all, but after a deep sigh, he decided to humor his young
brother, he really had nothing better to do after all besides for lock himself
in his room and cry until he became hysterical.
"Just that I needed time, and that he should move on and find someone else,"
Gerard responded wearily, his heart stuttering in his chest as he imagined
Frank finding happiness in another man's arms, even though that was exactly
what Frank needed to do, but that didn't mean Gerard didn't loathe the thought.
"He didn't take it well...he was crying Mikes, I made him cry."
"Hell - you should have seen him when he first arrived." Mikey's face instantly
fell when Gerard whimpered softly, the visual picture of Frank that popped up
in the forefront of his mind torturing him along with the overwhelming guilt he
was already trying to cope with, and it seemed that Mikey realized his mistake,
although it was a few seconds too late. "Sorry - I'm not helping, but you can't
blame yourself Gee, you did the right thing, at least...I think you did."
"What do you mean?" Gerard asked gruffly, because he wasn't in the mood to be
chastised by his younger brother, but at the same time, he wanted to drag this
discussion out as much as possible, because the longer he was occupied with
Mikey, the softer the voices in his head became, the screaming faded into a
faint murmur that was almost unnoticeable as long as Gerard didn't focus on
them.
"Well - I probably shouldn't be saying this, but you and Frank...I don't know,
there is something special about him," Mikey sighed heavily, his lanky body
folding downward so he could seat himself next to Gerard. "Don't get me wrong,
I am not encouraging you to ignore his age, because I don't want you to end up
in jail, but I also don't think that you should cut him out of your life
entirely. You need Frank, and not only that, he needs you too, hell - I
wouldn't be surprised to hear that he is falling in love with you."
"W-what?" Gerard sputtered out, his eyes widening as the weight of Mikey's
words pinned him down until he could barely breathe. "No...he can't, we haven't
even known each other that long, I - he doesn't love me Mikey, that's
ridiculous."
"Calm down Gee, I am not saying he does for sure, he hasn't told me in so many
words, but fuck - do you even see how he looks at you, how he never wants to
leave your side, how he is more than willing to drop everything to make sure
you are okay? That seems like a little more than just simple affection if you
ask me," Mikey shrugged, and although Gerard knew Mikey had good intentions,
his statement had the opposite effect, and before Gerard could stop himself, he
was sobbing again, his spine pressing against the hard paneling behind him as
if he could disappear into the wood, successfully removing himself from his
fucked up situation, as well as the agony that came along with it.
"No...no...no," Gerard gasped in-between each of his cries, his mind glorifying
in his distress, old memories surrounding that hated word dragging him back
into the past that Gerard never wanted to remember, but now that the flashbacks
had started, they wouldn't stop, and Gerard was helpless to do anything besides
for suffer silently as his mind systemically destroyed him from the inside out.
Love - those four letters were a deadly poison dressed up in a shiny bottle
with a fancy label, and like the idiot he was, Gerard had ingested the liquid
unknowingly, the contents dragging him down into the rabbit hole, but instead
of Wonderland waiting for him, it was chaos, madness, the worst dredges of hell
that Gerard had already lived through once before, but time had twisted his
recollections into something that was too horrendous to even be classified as a
nightmare, and Gerard couldn't find the path out, not this time.
It brought back glimpses of Colton murmuring lies into his eager ears, of pain,
and heartbreak, and despair, of fresh lines carved into his body caused because
he didn't believe he was worthy of love, of his parents who didn't feel that
emotion for him anymore, if they ever had, of Elena, who had been the only one
to ever show him true acceptance, who was gone now, of the emptiness inside of
him, the ache that would never fully dissipate, the self-loathing that Gerard
pretended wasn't as deeply ingrained in him as it really was, of how Frank
would only get dragged into this destructive mess if he truly did care for
Gerard so deeply, which couldn't happen, no one could love Gerard, hell - he
didn't even love himself.
Gerard wanted to find a way to rectify the broken circuit within his mind that
made him this way - he truly did; he ached to have someone genuinely care for
him, to desire to live with him, to marry him, to grow old with him, but he
wasn't capable of maintaining a healthy relationship, he had tried, but it
always ended in tears, and now this debacle with Frank had Gerard on the verge
of giving up, which would probably be the best for everyone anyway.
Asking Frank to be his boyfriend was a moment of weakness - Gerard could see
that now, he had clung to Frank because he brought a warmth to his life that
had previously been absent, he made Gerard feel without any blades or pills
involved, which was a rare enough occasion in itself, but not only that, Frank
had seen no flaw in Gerard, even when he had grazed the surface of his numerous
dirty secrets, he hadn't cared, and fuck - Gerard didn't want to lose that, but
he didn't deserve Frank, and he refused to let this escalate any further than
it already had.
He would break Frank's heart in the end, that was almost one-hundred percent
guaranteed, and if that somehow didn't happen, Gerard would be left wounded
instead, because Frank was young, and he had no idea what he was missing out on
by settling for Gerard, but one day he would find out, and Gerard knew without
a doubt that Frank would leave him eventually, no matter how many pretty
promises fell from his lips stating otherwise.
Hell - Gerard should have been more firm with Frank, he should have made him
realize that this could only destroy the two of them, he shouldn't have kissed
him, but he had, and now Frank was most likely walking home with a bubble of
misplaced hope in his chest that Gerard had placed there, that Gerard would
have to crush eventually, which was a cruelty that Gerard had never intended to
inflict on the innocent boy, but it was too late to take his actions back now,
so he would have to live with the fact that was going to ruin Frank like he
himself had been broken so long ago.
The whirlwind of thoughts that had suddenly assaulted Gerard pelted down on him
all at once, each new realization stinging like a fresh bullet wound, and
although Gerard had become an expert at cutting himself off from emotions that
he didn't want to feel, this attack had caught him by surprise, and Gerard was
left weak and defenseless, his limbs vibrating as he did his best to cower away
from the metaphorical blows.
"Hey...Gee, fuck - what did I say?" Mikey questioned in a panicked tone of
voice, his hands trying to grasp onto Gerard's which were currently digging
into his eye sockets painful, turning his vision spotty and blurred behind his
closed lids. "You gotta calm down, everything is okay, shit -" Mikey was cut
off when Gerard began to tremble convulsively, his skull smacking against the
wall behind him before Mikey dragged him into his lap, wrapping his arms around
Gerard in a vice-like grip that prevented him from hurting himself any more
than he already had.
"Can't b-breathe," Gerard stuttered out, his chest burning with the need for
oxygen, but Gerard had lost control of his body, only Mikey's touch was doing
something to ground him, and even that was barely enough.
"Yes you can Gee, you just have to try," Mikey murmured soothingly, his hand
pressing down onto his sternum gently as if to encourage his useless lungs to
function normally once more. "Can you count with me Gee?"
Gerard shook his head no in response, his throat closing up as an irrational
wave of terror overtook him, the fear flowing through his veins clogging the
blood that his body so desperately needed, leaving Gerard shaking violently and
half convinced that he was dying here and now, even though the logical side of
his mind knew that he was simply having a severe panic attack, but that didn't
lessen the stark pangs of horror rolling over Gerard in never ending waves.
"No - okay then, you can feel my heartbeat right?" Mikey carefully moved
Gerard's hand over the aforementioned organ, pressing Gerard's open palm
against the left side of his chest until he bobbed his head slowly in
acquiescence. "I want you to try and inhale when I do, and then exhale. Time it
with my heartbeat, can you do that?"
"I - I'm scared," Gerard stammered, his tongue lying heavy and thick in his
mouth as tried to avoid blacking out, because Gerard was afraid he would never
wake up if that happened, and he wasn't ready to die, not yet anyway.
"Shh - don't be afraid Gee, it's all in your head okay? You are at home, and
you're safe. I'm not going to let go of you," Mikey stated firmly, his positive
words sinking into the miasma that surrounded Gerard's fucked up head, calming
him just enough to process what Mikey was trying to get him to do, focusing on
the steady thrumming pulsing through his skin instead of the mess inside of his
head.
And in that moment, Gerard wanted nothing more than to tell Mikey how grateful
he was for his presence, and how much this meant to him, because Mikey was one
of the very few people that knew how to deal with him when he was afflicted
with a panic attack, and if it wasn't for him, Gerard would be in a much darker
place right now, hell - Gerard would surely be dead long ago if wasn't for his
stubborn little brother.
But he couldn't push the simple sentence past the obstruction in his throat,
and really - he didn't need to, because Mikey knew that Gerard was thankful for
him, and that he cared, no matter how often they fought, because they were
brothers, and that was the only relationship that Gerard could still depend on,
even when everyone else in his life at failed him at one point or another.
Gerard felt himself slowly coming back into a healthier state of mind, his
ribcage gradually unclenching from around his lungs, his hand warming up under
the heat of Mikey's skin, his vision clearing as oxygen returned to his body
bit by bit, leaving Gerard relieved, and also exhausted, Mikey's hold around
him being the only thing that was still keeping him upright.
"Better?" Mikey asked warily once Gerard's labored pants had faded away into
soft gaps for air, his embrace around Gerard never faltering as Gerard's
shudders ceased to wrack his aching muscles.
"Yeah - fuck...you don't have any coke do you?" Gerard asked when he could
speak again, only truly half joking, because he needed something to take him
away from the reality he was currently trapped within, and even though the
contents of his medicine cabinet were always available to him, he didn't want
to break his earlier promises to Frank not to hurt himself, and he couldn't
guarantee that if he was left to his own devices.
"You are kidding right?" Mikey scoffed, his grip around Gerard tightening
minutely before he let go completely, turning Gerard around so he could look
him dead in the eye. "You finally kicked that shit Gee, don't tell me you are
really considering falling back into it."
"I'm not...I don't know, I'm just - I need to shut up my head for a little
while, and as much as I hated what the stuff made me do, it helped with that at
least."
"Well I'm not giving you any, you need sleep, not drugs," Mikey stated firmly,
lacing his arm under Gerard's shoulder before pulling him to his feet gently.
"Let's get you in bed okay?"
"Fine," Gerard grumbled wearily, even though he doubted he would get much rest.
He may have been physically drained from the large amount of crying his body
had been put through today, but his mind was wide awake, the voices in his head
just waiting for Mikey to leave before they pounced again.
"By the way, your phone has been going off for the last few minutes," Mikey
informed Gerard as he helped him take a few slow steps forward, his gaze
arrowing toward Gerard's messenger bag from which Gerard could now hear a soft
buzzing emanating from.
"Oh shit - that is probably Bert, I promised I would text him when I got home,
but it completely slipped my mind when I saw F-," Gerard cut himself off before
he could finish voicing Frank's name, swallowing heavily instead to try and
drown out the churning sensation in his stomach that had emerged at the
utterance.
"Here." Mikey leaned down, retrieving the device before handing it to Gerard,
earning him a grateful nod from his older brother, because if Gerard had
attempted to execute that move, he most likely would have fallen on his face,
his legs were barely supporting him right now as it was.
"Thanks," Gerard murmured as he typed out a quick message to Bert, explaining
what had happened in as few words as possible, promising him more details once
he had tried to get some shut eye, after which Mikey took hold of his arm once
again, gently tugging him down the hallway until they were situated in Gerard's
small room.
As soon as Mikey began to leave, Gerard's limbs resumed their shaking, and as
much as Gerard was tempted to silence his irrational emotions through the self-
destructive methods that were his habit, he couldn't let Frank down, not to
mention Bert, but Gerard honestly wasn't certain if he was strong enough to
resist the sibilant urges on his own.
"Mikes..." Gerard spoke up once he had seated himself at the edge of his bed,
knowing that he had to vocalize his request now before he lost his nerve
entirely.
"Yeah?" Mikey turned around from his position in the doorway, a worried
expression sharpening the angles in his face as he peered down at Gerard
nervously.
"C-can you stay with me, just for a little bit...I don't want to be alone right
now," Gerard admitted softly, his embarrassment at appearing so weak almost
entirely drowned out under his intense desire for some form of company.
"Yeah Gee, anything you need," Mikey agreed instantly before crawling next to
Gerard, smirking softly when Gerard curled up under the covers without
bothering to strip out of his work clothes.
"You sure you want to sleep in that?"
"Too tired to change," Gerard mumbled, but he did unbutton his tight waist
coat, deciding to also remove his belt as well after a few moments
consideration, but that was a far as he got before he collapsed back down onto
the mattress again.
"You are so weird," Mikey mumbled fondly, his long legs stretching out as
Gerard burrowed even further under the sheets.
"Yeah I know," Gerard scoffed playfully, a soft smile tugging on his lips when
Mikey's presence continued to keep the voices away, and at least for now,
Gerard was safe, and maybe tomorrow, he would have the strength to face the
remnants of his life that had been almost completely destroyed by the loss of
Frank, but for right now, he was more than content to listen to Mikey's steady
breathing until oblivion overtook him.
~~~
Frank stood on his front porch for far too long, trying to summon up the
courage to walk inside, as well as the composure, because he was a mess right
now, and it would be obvious to anyone that something terrible had happened to
him - even his mother, and Frank knew he would break if she so much as asked
him how he was doing, which was something that he was trying to avoid at all
costs.
Frank didn't know how long he had spent sobbing on the stairs outside of
Gerard's apartment building, but when a large amount of people began to enter
and vacate their rooms, forcing them into Frank's path in the process, he had
managed to rein in his unruly emotions, the expulsion actually succeeding in
calming Frank down enough that he was able to make the short walk home without
another breakdown.
Frank's heart still ached, but he was doing his best to pretend that it didn't,
because if he was going to make it through this without going completely
insane, he had to think positively, so he focused on the memory of Gerard's
lips pressed against his, avoiding the darker side of his mind that seemed so
intent on reminded him that it very well may have been the last time he would
ever kiss Gerard.
And now that his house was looming before him, Frank couldn't allow Gerard to
seep into his thoughts, because he was an entity that he kept separate from
this life, hell - being with Gerard was akin to living on another planet
entirely, a happier place, even with the newly induced pain that had come with
Gerard discovering Frank's age, but still, Frank would chose his existence with
Gerard over this sorry excuse of a home any day, but right now, he didn't
really have any choice in the matter.
Finally, Frank turned his key in the lock, grunting slightly when it stuck
halfway through just like always, which was something that Frank had been
meaning to rectify for ages, but the mundane task never failed to slip from his
mind whenever he actually had free time, and Frank knew for a fact that it
wasn't going to get done tonight, hell - he would be lucky if he could make it
through dinner without incident.
Frank's mother didn't immediately greet him when he walked inside, which wasn't
unusual, even though he knew she was home, her car was in the driveway at
least, and eventually, Frank found her curled up in the study they never used,
gazing down at a book placed haphazardly in her lap.
"Hey mom, you hungry?" Frank asked quietly, mentally patting himself on the
back for keeping his voice cool and composed, the torrent of emotions that had
been raging inside of him all day had dialed back considerably after his
impromptu breakdown outside of Gerard's apartment, but that didn't mean they
weren't still there - they were just subdued, and Frank hoped they stayed that
way for the rest of the evening.
"Hmm?" Frank's mother hummed noncommittally, her eyes darting up for a moment
before drifting back down to the page they were on. "I guess I could eat," she
shrugged, her oversized cardigan falling off her shoulder with the motion, and
she made no attempt to pull it back into its proper position.
"Okay...I'll be in the kitchen," Frank sighed, dumping his school things in his
room before heading back downstairs to rummage through the cabinets, trying to
find something he could make with half a carton of milk, a few cans of beans,
and an expired box of Mini Wheats, because of course, Frank had forgotten to
stop by the grocery store after school today, and although he had a good reason
for his distraction, it didn't make him any less hungry.
After a bit more searching, Frank managed to unearth some Easy Mac that was
still in date, and even though it wasn't much, coupled with the beans, it would
get him and his mother through the night, so Frank set about boiling water, his
motions faltering slightly when his mother wandered into the room halfway
through his preparations.
Frank took a moment to truly look at the woman in front of him, because even
though Frank had been aware of her decreasing health for ages, she suddenly
appeared so different from the loving mother he had known two years ago; her
hair was thinner and drooping, her frame had shrunken significantly, mostly
caused by the fact that she forgot to eat if Frank didn't set food down in
front of her, but the physical changes weren't the worst, even though they were
worrisome, but no - it was her eyes that caused Frank to sniffle softly,
because they were dead, there was nothing left of his mother behind them, and
fuck - Frank would give anything for time to move in reverse, bringing him back
to the days when he could turn to his mother for anything, when she always knew
just what to say, or to do to make Frank feel better.
And even though it was most likely stupid, and Frank was almost certainly going
to regret his utterance as soon as he spoke, he found himself opening his
mouth, desperate to see if his mother could play the part she was intended to
for the few short minutes in which he needed her, because after today, he
needed some sort of advice, or comfort, anything really, and he couldn't turn
to Pete, he would only say'I told you so', which left Frank at a loss for
anyone who cared about him except for the woman standing before him.
"So...I met this girl," Frank spoke up as he stirred the noodles in the pan,
keeping one eye on his mother to see how she would react, obviously twisting
his story a bit to prevent his mother from throwing him out onto the street,
which is exactly what she would do if she found out that this girl was a man,
and not to mention his teacher at that.
"Oh...that's nice honey," his mother responded after about thirty seconds had
passed, the dullness to her tone inspiring Frank to continue in the hopes of
eliciting some sort of reaction out of her, even if it was one of anger.
"She seemed really into me at first, but now...I don't know, I am sort of torn
up about it. She says she still cares about me, but we can't be together at the
moment, and I really like her, but I don't know how to convince her to give me
another chance."
"Is the food ready?" was his mother's response, her complete disinterest in
Frank's life cutting his chest cavity wide open, renewing the pain that Gerard
had inflicted upon him earlier tenfold, because he had no one now, not his
boyfriend, not his mother, most definitely not his father, and fuck - Frank had
thought he had himself under control, but with a few careless words, his mother
had torn down his fragile defensives all over again.
Frank was barely able to scoop out his mother's portion before he was forced to
sprint up to his room to hid his tears, nearly ripping the knob from the stove
as he turned it off in his hurry, ignoring his own growling stomach in favor of
seeking solitude in his sorrow, because his mother wouldn't understand why he
was crying, hell - she probably wouldn't even comment on it, and Frank couldn't
take any more rejection today, he just wasn't strong enough.
Frank was almost tempted to text Gerard, just to see if he would answer, but
Frank knew that he mostly likely wouldn't and Frank wasn't a glutton for any
more punishment, he was suffering enough right now, so he simply curled up at
the edge of his mattress instead, sobbing softly to himself as his world fell
to pieces around him, the shrapnel piercing his bruised skin until he was
nothing except for a mess of metaphorical cuts and blood.
 
***** Whack-A-Gerard *****
Chapter Notes
     I don't even know what to say to make up for the long wait on this
     chapter besides for I'm sorry, but this is the hard part of this
     story for me to write since I didn't have it planned out, so I
     struggled a lot with this update.
     But hey - better late than never right?
     Updates will probably continue to be slow for a little bit, but I
     will try my best not to have them be a month apart like this one.
Frank practically sprinted into his first class of the day, his hurried steps
inspired by his late awakening, courtesy of drinking entirely too much last
night in an effort to stifle his sadness, which had been a complete and utter
failure, only heightening his longing for Gerard to the point that Frank had to
turn off his phone to prevent himself from calling the older man for the
twentieth time, his earlier resolve to not bother him just yet had completed
disintegrated once he had gotten a few shots in his bloodstream, leaving him
with the world's worst hangover and very nearly a tardy slip as well.
Frank's English teacher sniffed sharply at his late entrance, but she let his
misdemeanor slide for now, most likely because it was still the beginning of
the school year, but whatever the reason, Frank was grateful for the lenience
since there was no way he could make it through a detention in his current
state.
Frank had heavily debated skipping school entirely after even the simple act of
rolling out of bed had caused him to groan in pain, his temples protesting
angrily at the sudden movement, but his mother was having one of her more lucid
days, and she had taken it upon herself to rouse Frank just when he had been
about to doze off on the carpet, throwing his oversized uniform in his
direction and refusing to leave him be until Frank stood up and began to get
dressed.
But now that he was here, with his teacher's annoyingly high pitched voice
doing nothing to soothe his pounding headache, Frank truly regretted not trying
harder to convince his mother that he was sick so he could have stayed home,
because it was obvious that Frank was going to learn nothing today. He didn't
even have Gerard's class to motivate his attendance, not that Frank was
entirely sure if he wanted to sit through a repeat of the other afternoon,
butstill - Frank needed to see Gerard again, it felt like ages since he had
last laid eyes on the older man, even though he had been in his presence less
than a day ago.
It was probably for the best though, because Frank was nowhere near strong
enough for yet another confrontation with Gerard, and really - he had nothing
else to say to him that wouldn't be a repetition of his earlier pleas. Gerard
held all of the power now, and no matter how badly Frank wanted to continue to
interject himself into his life, he knew that the wise choice would be to give
Gerard some space until he came to terms with Frank's true age, pestering him
would only hurt Frank's chances of a reunion with the older man in the end.
Frank's resolve was quickly put to the test though, a glimpse of Gerard coming
out of the staff room had Frank freezing in place, his heart beating
erratically as he called upon all of the willpower he possessed, fighting the
urge to chase after Gerard and do - well, Frank hadn't planned that far out,
and knowing him, whatever action he did choose most likely wouldn't be
appropriate for school grounds, so even though his stomach twisted with
disappointment when Gerard disappeared into the crowd without a backward glance
in Frank's direction, at least it prevented Frank from making a fool of himself
in front of all the seniors currently clogging the hallway.
After that encounter, Frank shut down, he didn't have any other choice unless
he wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon sobbing softly in the bathroom,
and he had already become much too acquainted with those tiles yesterday, but
somehow, he managed to make it through the rest of his classes without losing
control of his tremulous emotions, even though he caught numerous sightings of
Gerard throughout the day, each occurrence sending shooting spikes of pain
flowing into Frank's bloodstream, but every time they happened, Gerard vanished
before he could do anything more than gape after him in an embarrassing
fashion.
Frank only managed to survive the seemingly endless passage of hours by
stamping down on any and all Gerard related thoughts as soon as they popped
into the forefront of his brain, engaging in a mental game of whack-a-mole
featuring his teacher instead of an actual rodent, the accompanying image of a
miniature Gerard dodging away from an oversized mallet had Frank suppressing a
series of giggles caused by his current state of exhaustion.
When the final bell shrieked out loudly, intensifying the side effects of
Frank's hangover that persistently refused to fade away, Frank truly meant to
walk straight home, or maybe to Pete's place; he still hadn't informed his best
friend about what had occurred between him and Gerard, mostly because actually
voicing it aloud would only make everything that much more real, and Frank was
already struggling enough as it was, but still - Frank didn't like keeping Pete
in the dark, especially when he knew that Pete would most likely be able to
comfort him, after chastising him for ever getting into a relationship with an
older man in the first place of course.
But despite his best intentions to retreat to the safety of his room, either
that or Pete's, Frank's feet seemed to have developed a mind of their own, and
before he could comprehend what he was doing, he found himself skidding to a
halt outside of Gerard's classroom, his eyes boring into the wood obstructing
his vision in a desperate attempt to see if the teacher was inside. The window
cut into it was covered with some sort of poster, preventing Frank from
unearthing if anyone was occupying the space, but Frank wasn't going to allow
himself to be deterred just yet.
And even though Frank should have taken the closed door as a sign that he
shouldn't be doing this, that he needed to turn around now before he managed to
humiliate himself in front of Gerard any more than he already had, Frank was
knocking, his knuckles rapping loudly against the grain, his breath catching in
his chest as he waited for some answering sound from inside the room, a scrape
of a chair, a sigh - anything really, but after a minute had passed and no
disruption reached his ear, Frank took matters into his own hand, twisting the
knob roughly, only to be stopped short when it barely turned, signifying that
the door was locked, and Frank's impromptu plan had failed completely, the
following disappointment rendering Frank motionless, his body slumping against
the wall tiredly, his muscles too weak to support him anymore.
Frank wasn't sure why he had been so convinced that Gerard would wait around
after school had already been let out in the first place, it wasn't as if he
had been expecting Frank to show up, hell- Frank didn't even know if he had a
fourth period class on Tuesdays. It wasn't like he had memorized Gerard's
schedule after all, he had only discovered that he taught at this school
yesterday, but that didn't stop Frank from wanting to break down in sobs again.
No tears came though, his body had cried itself out last night, leaving him
dehydrated and incapable of producing any more physical manifestations of his
sorrow.
Once Frank realized that he was starting to get a few strange looks from the
remaining students that hadn't immediately sprinted home, he pushed himself
away from the wall stubbornly, turning his back on Gerard's classroom as he
strode outside as fast as his shaky legs would carry him, his mind racing as
his moved on autopilot, the lack of contact with Gerard taking its toll on
Frank as he realized that he would most likely be faced with many more of these
days in the very near future, and fuck - Frank didn't think he could do this,
he wasn't strong enough anymore. Gerard had drained him of his false veneer
that he had used to survive for so long, and without it, Frank was exposed and
vulnerable, waiting for the slightest push before he tumbled to the ground, his
essence one touch away from shattering into nothingness.
Frank walked for ages, the physical activity helping to soothe his aching head
and wounded heart, his eyes not truly viewing his surroundings as he went, not
until a familiar wooded area began to emerge around him, informing Frank that
he was in close proximity to his and his father's secret place, his andGerard's
place, and even though the memories the small field contained should have had
Frank shying away in fear, he found himself drawn in instead, his hands
scraping against branches as he hurried toward the site of one of his happiest
moments with Gerard.
All too soon, Frank reached the small meadow that held so much meaning to him,
his chest heaving and his palms stinging as he paused at the edge of the
natural clearing, gazing out over it in search of any signs of change, as if
his recent downturn in his relationship with Gerard would have transformed this
place as well, but it still appeared exactly the same as it always had, the
afternoon sunlight dappling the long blades of grass with a welcoming glow, and
Frank even swore he could see the body sized indents from where he and Gerard
had lain together not too long ago.
Moving on autopilot, Frank dropped his heavy bag before heading further into
the open space, the soft hum of wind rustling through the trees calming him as
the soothing aura that always seemed to accompany this place washed over him.
Frank's footsteps paused in front of the small patch of land where he and
Gerard had spent the evening stargazing, his vision flickering slightly as a
vivid image of their entwined bodies rose to the forefront of his mind, the
accompanying rush of remembered feelings almost completely eradicating the pain
that coated Frank like a second skin.
Heaving out a soft sigh, Frank allowed his tired muscles to give out, his frame
coming to rest on the soft ground as he curled inward on himself, his fingers
running over the tufts of grass slowly as he breathed deeply through his nose,
enjoying the lack of agony shooting through his limbs for first time since he
had seen Gerard standing at the front of the art classroom yesterday, even
though that event seemed to have happened years ago in Frank's mind.
And although Frank was well aware that this bubble of contentment was only
fleeting, and it would most likely pop as soon as he was forced to leave this
meadow and face the real world once more, he didn't really care at the moment,
because he felt safe here, protectedeven, like maybe if he stayed in this spot
for a little while longer, he could begin to accumulate some of his strength
back, bracing himself for whatever was going to come next for him and Gerard,
so that was exactly what Frank did, his eyes falling shut as he basked in old
memories, and if he pretended hard enough, he could almost feel Gerard's arms
surrounding him, his comforting presence inundating the still air even though
the older man was currently miles away.
~~~
Unfortunately for Gerard, he was not in as good a state as Frank, even though
he was trying to fool himself into believing that he was, but despite the fact
that he hadn't actually had a class with Frank today, he couldn't get his
student out of his mind, and the numerous times he had spied him in the crowded
hallways had done nothing to help with that.
The day was over now though, and Gerard had managed to teach his classes
successfully, not allowing his worries about Frank to distract him until he had
vacated the building, but now Gerard was struggling with the decision focusing
around what to do with the rest of his afternoon, his heart tearing in numerous
directions as he debated over what would cause him the least harm come morning.
The smart thing would most likely involve going straight home and avoiding
everyone and everything, but there were so many temptations there; his fridge
full of liquor, his stash of pills, his blades, and he didn't want to burden
Mikey with the task of watching over him for the second night in a row, even
though he would most likely need a guardian given the way he was feeling at the
moment.
Gerard could also go to a bar, and even though he would probably end up getting
completely drunk within hours, he would also be out in public, with other
people surrounding him, preventing him from doing anything dangerous besides
for destroying his liver with copious amounts of alcohol that is.
But really - what Gerard wanted more than anything was to see Frank, to hold
him one more time, to pretend that the events of yesterday had never happened,
to rewind time back to when Frank had made everything better instead of
complicating his life to the point of madness, but those days where over now,
and without Frank to turn to, Gerard was adrift and confused, wallowing in
self-pity and the steadily overwhelming desire to take out his frustrations on
his own skin.
Gerard couldn't allow himself to do that though, especially not after seeing
Frank today without him knowing that he was being observed. Before this
afternoon, Gerard had never thought of Frank as anything else other than a
person; he was his boyfriend, not a minor, but the sight of him drowning in his
school uniform, his book bag dragging his shoulders downward as he scurried to
his next class had forced Gerard to admit that he couldn't fool himself into
pretending that Frank's age wasn't a serious problem, and fuck - it had truly
hit Gerard then, even though it should have sunk in yesterday, but it hadn't
until just now.
Frank was a student - a child even, no matter how mature he appeared to Gerard,
which made Gerard disgusting by association, because he was still attracted to
Frank, his revelation concerning his age had done nothing to change that, and
it was only now that Gerard was beginning to realize how seriously fucked up he
was.
Gerard had made so many mistakes in his life, so many choices that he had ended
up regretting later on, but this trumped all of them, even though he had yet to
get caught, but still- he was technically a pedophile. Just thinking of the
term which now applied to him caused Gerard's skin to crawl unpleasantly, his
chest tightening up as he tried to come to terms with the fact that he was
truly a monster in society's eyes.
But the worst thing was, Gerard didn't want to lose Frank, he still craved his
touch, his kisses, everything, but how could he allow himself to continue with
this knowing what he did? Frank deserved a boyfriend that was allowed to be
seen with him in public, that could have sex with him without it being
classified as rape, and Gerard couldn't be that person, not yet anyway.
Just then, Gerard's phone began chiming softly, breaking him free from his
morose train of thought for the time being. He wasn't at all surprised when he
saw Mikey's name flashing across the screen, his brother was most likely
worried about him since Gerard's last class had let out almost an hour ago by
this point, and even though Gerard would usually be irritated at Mikey's
motherly tendencies, he appreciated the concern today.
"Hey Mikes," Gerard picked up on the third ringing, starting the car while he
spoke so he could flip on the air conditioner. The interior of the vehicle had
become borderline uncomfortable while he was lost inside of his mind, and he
had only just now noticed the way his shirt was sticking to his back with
sweat.
"Where are you?" Mikey asked in response, a hint of worry tinting his tone with
shades of blue, leaving Gerard feeling guilty for putting that fear into his
brother's voice.
"I'm still at school, I'm going to head home now though," Gerard answered
quickly, doing his best to appear as lighthearted as possible so Mikey wouldn't
immediately assume that he was lying about his location.
"Okay - good, and I just wanted to warn you that Ray is here, and Bert is on
his way over. We haven't all hung out in a while, so I thought it would be nice
to get everyone together for the afternoon," Mikey informed Gerard, ignoring
the soft sigh that escaped Gerard's lips when he discovered that they had
company.
"This better not be some sort of intervention or anything like that," Gerard
scoffed, not putting it past his brother to gather their friends together in a
misguided attempt at cheering Gerard up somehow.
"It's not - I swear, I just think it would be good for you to spend some time
with someone that isn't Frank or I for a little bit."
Gerard couldn't exactly argue with him there, because it had been more than a
month since he had last seen Ray, and he hadn't met up with Bert since their
quick stint at the coffee shop over a week ago. That was mostly caused by
Frank's sudden appearance in his life, so maybe it would be nice to catch up
with them over a few beers instead of drinking himself senseless at the nearest
bar, and their presence would hopefully keep his darker urges at bay for the
time being.
"Fine, I'm leaving now, and you better make sure they don't eat us out of house
and home before I get there," Gerard threatened playfully, all thoughts of
Frank forgotten for the moment as he ended the call with Mikey and began the
short drive back to his apartment, a smile tugging at his lips at the prospect
of seeing his friends once he arrived.
~~~
Much to his surprise, Gerard found that he was actually enjoying the extra
bodies inundating life into his typically dismal home, the chatter and clinking
of bottles distracting him from the mess in his head as he reclined back on the
couch, grabbing a nearby bag of chips with his free hand that wasn't clutching
a beer in it.
They had spent the past few hours catching up, avoiding the dangerous topics
involving Frank, as well as the band, even Bert knew not to tread in that
territory although he hadn't been a part of that experience. Instead, they had
kept the conversation light, but the alcohol was quickly loosening their
tongues, and Gerard could tell by the look on Mikey's face that his brother was
struggling to hold back from asking Gerard questions he would rather not be
faced with right now.
Trying to diffuse the growing tension that he could feel in the room when their
voices died down briefly, Gerard switched on the television, idly flipping
through the channels in the hopes of finding something interesting to watch,
but luck wasn't on his side, and he ended up settling on Jeopardy, which seemed
to instantly catch Bert's attention if the way he threw himself down onto the
cushion next to Gerard meant anything that is.
"I fucking love this show," Bert exclaimed excitedly, "but it always makes me
feel stupid since I can never guess half of the answers."
"I'm lucky if I end up get a third correct," Gerard chuckled, scooting slightly
closer to Bert when Mikey and Ray returned from the kitchen with fresh beers
for everyone, squeezing themselves into the remaining space even though the
couch was not meant to hold that many bodies comfortably.
They wasted another thirty minutes attempting to play along with the game,
laughing at each other's shouted out suggestions which progressively got more
ridiculous as time went on. Gerard couldn't remember the last occasion where he
had done something like this, and he realized that he had missed this sort of
companionship, but it wasn't in him to seek it out anymore, he had become too
accustomed to his reclusive lifestyle once the band had fallen apart, and he
knew that no matter how much refreshing this rare bout of companionship was, he
would make no effort to plan another of these evenings without quite a bit of
prodding from Mikey.
But the peace didn't last, of course it didn't, not that Gerard had really
expected it to, but he still cringed slightly when Mikey snatched the remote
out of his lap as soon as the show ended, flicking off the television before
turning to Gerard with a serious look sharpening the angles of his thin face.
"So Gerard," Mikey began slowly, his words drawing out in Gerard's ears as if
time was moving at half its normal speed, "not that this hasn't been lovely,
but I actually brought everyone over so we can talk about the whole Frank
situation." Gerard scoffed harshly, his spine tensing up at the mere mention of
Frank's name, taking a large sip from his beer in an attempt to hide his
negative reaction before allowing himself to speak.
"I knew you had an ulterior motive to all of this," Gerard grumbled sullenly,
crossing his arms over his chest as he shot Mikey a pointed stare, elbowing
Bert harshly in the process, "and I don't want to discuss it."
"I know, and I'm sorry, but I'm really worried about you Gee - we all are. It's
obvious that this is messing you up, and we just want to help you," Mikey
pleaded, his eyes flickering back in Ray's direction briefly as if searching
for backup, which only infuriated Gerard more since he hadn't been aware that
Ray knew anything about his relationship with Frank, but he should have
expected Mikey to spill personal details of his life to his fuck buddy, still -
that didn't make him any less angry about it.
"I don't see how you can do that," Gerard seethed, "our relationship is
illegal, and you three can't change that fact any more than I can."
"You do have a point there, but if you put it in perspective, it isn't like you
killed someone or anything horrible like that, and even though I haven't met
Frank, I have heard a lot about him from Mikey, and he doesn't sound like
someone you just toss aside," Ray spoke up, leaning around Mikey's shoulder so
he could look directly at Gerard while he made his point.
Gerard's hands clenched into fists as Ray's words sunk in, because he wanted to
believe them, hell - he had been trying to rationalize his actions with similar
reassurances for the past twenty-four hours, and it wasn't as if he had known
that Frank was underage when he had decided to pursue him, he hadn't willingly
gotten together with a minor, but that didn't pardon him for the fact that he
still desired Frank so badly that he ached, that was a sin that Gerard couldn't
wash himself clean from, no matter how hard he tried.
"It's still wrong - it still makes me a monster," Gerard choked out, fighting
against the sudden rush of tears that were completely eradicating his
previously fury, leaving him feeling weak and drained under the caring stares
of his supposed friends and family.
"That isn't true Gee," Bert cut in, his arm wrapping around Gerard gently in
what was supposed to be a comforting manner, but it only made Gerard feel
worse, because he didn't deserve this sort of affection from anyone. He wasn't
in the right here, no matter what how hard everyone was trying to twist the
situation in his favor.
"But it is, I - I know how old he is and I still want to be with him, that
means I am a pedophile," Gerard argued vehemently, his head shaking back and
forth as he tried to pull out of Bert's hold weakly.
"Gee - shut up for two seconds and look at me," Mikey commanded, his stern tone
startling Gerard enough that he ceased his struggles for the time being, giving
Mikey his full attention. "When you first met Frank, why were you initially
attracted to him?"
"I - um..." Gerard stammered slightly, caught off guard by the unexpected
question. "Well - to start off with, he is gorgeous, but it wasn't just that.
He seemed...interested in me I guess, he hung off my every word, he made me
feel important, but it is everything about him really. It's like he understands
me, or he did, and he never once judged me, or pried into something I didn't
want to talk about - he is perfect basically." Gerard snapped his jaw shut
quickly after his admission, because talking about Frank in this way only
exacerbated the constricting sensation surrounding his heart, and he didn't
want to remember the good times right now, not when he wasn't allowed to add to
those memories because of a few stupid years separating the two of them.
"Okay good," Mikey nodded, cutting Gerard off just when he was opening his
mouth to ask what that had to do with anything, "and do you know what a
pedophile would have answered that with? They would have said it was because he
was young, because being with a student excites them, that they get off on the
illegal nature of the relationship, not any of what you just stated, so don't
you fucking call yourself that okay? You didn't know how young Frank was, and
you aren't drawn to Frank because of his age, or because you like little boys,
so please don't make me slap you," Mikey huffed stubbornly, his eyes flashing
with suppressed anger that had Gerard shrinking back against Bert slightly in
order to avoid his younger brother's wrath.
"I just - I want to believe what you are saying, but it doesn't change
anything. I can't do this to Frank, or to myself. I care about him - I do, but
this could ruin the both of us, and I refuse to do that to him..." Gerard stood
his ground firmly, because no matter how hard Mikey attempted to change his
mind, he couldn't budge on this, no matter how badly he wanted to throw caution
to the wind and tell Frank that they could continue on with their illegal
relationship.
"Well we have been talking about this, and yes - we do agree that you shouldn't
pursue anything with Frank while he is seventeen, but his birthday is in a few
months, so if you can just hold on for a little while longer, you guys can be
together," Bert murmured in a soothing tone of voice that he always used when
Gerard became agitated, and much to Gerard's chagrin, he was actually calming
down, but he wasn't going to let them break his newfound resolve that easily.
"But I will still be his teacher, not to mention that Frank probably won't want
me anymore by that point," Gerard protested feebly, having already decided that
he would be more than willing to wait for Frank, but he knew that people
Frank's age flitted from one person to the next like a bee within a field of
flowers, and it would be delusional to assume that Frank wouldn't find someone
better in the span of a few weeks, no matter what pretty promises he gave to
Gerard.
Still - Gerard couldn't help but remember the way Frank had looked yesterday
when he had found him in his apartment: his devastated expression, his tear
stained face, his barely concealed sobs, his stammered apologies, his pleading
for Gerard not to forget about him. Gerard's mind had been doing its best to
convince him that it had all been an act, that Frank hadn't been entirely
sincere, because no one could truly desire him that badly, it just didn't make
sense, especially not someone like Frank.
But what if he did - what if Frank would be willingly to do whatever it took to
keep Gerard in his life, even if they couldn't maintain a normal relationship
for the time being. Gerard had been purposely vague when Frank had questioned
him on what he wanted now that he knew Frank was seventeen, but it was only
just beginning to sink in that he had left Frank with no definite answer. He
hadn't truly broken up with him, but he hadn't straight out said that he still
desired to be with Frank either, mostly because he himself was torn in half
between doing the right thing or being selfish and keeping Frank all to
himself.
"That's why you need to talk to him about this, you know - actually discuss
with Frank what you want and your plans for the future before you jump to
conclusions. You have to remember that Frank is hurting too, and he is probably
dying to hear from you, so we think you should call him and explain what is
going on in your head at the very least," Mikey continued trying to reason with
him, his voice pulling Gerard out of his tumbled thoughts and back into the
present.
"I told him that I still cared about him when he was here yesterday," Gerard
informed Mikey, because in that at least he had been perfectly clear, but now
that he was mulling back over their short encounter, he couldn't deny that
Mikey was right in this particular instance.
Gerard had planned on simply ignoring Frank until he could sort out the tangled
mess of conflicting emotions that only seemed to writhe away from his prying
hands whenever he attempted to smooth them out, but that wasn't fair to him,
especially not after Frank had gathered the courage to apologize, to show up at
Gerard's place in a desperate bid to rectify the damage that he had caused with
his lie, and Gerard had simply sent him away with a kiss and some half assed
reassurances. He did intend to speak with him again eventually, if Frank wanted
to that is, but right now, everything was still too fresh, and Gerard couldn't
trust himself to be in close proximity with the younger man on the off chance
that he would end up doing something that he would regret.
"Yeah, and then you have avoided him since right?" Mikey arched one eyebrow
knowingly, his persistence quickly wearing Gerard's arguments down with his
infallible logic.
"Not avoided - just kept my distance," Gerard pouted sullenly, "and it has only
been two days Mikey."
"Gee - if you want this to work, you will have to keep in contact with him, at
least a little bit. Talking to him isn't illegal, and I think it will make this
easier on the both of you," Mikey spoke vehemently, earning himself short
agreeing statements from both Bert and Ray for his sentiment.
"I want to," Gerard sniffled softly, "but it's so hard to be around him right
now," Gerard whimpered under his breath, just the thought of being face to face
with Frank again producing a sudden outpouring of longing that rushed
throughout his entire body with the force of a tidal wave.
"I understand, and I am not trying to pressure you into anything, so if you
want to break things off entirely, that is up to you, but I don't think that is
the best idea, so maybe give Frank a call soon?" Mikey ended his tirade, his
voice dropping into a soothing murmur at the finale of his sentence, and as
much as Gerard wanted to continue being obstinate, he couldn't deny that Mikey
was making a hell of a lot of sense, and it wasn't as if Gerard didn't want to
contact Frank again, he was just scared.
"Yeah...I will, thank you Mikey, this actually helped a bit," Gerard finally
gave in, because at the very least, Frank deserved something from Gerard, and
although he wasn't sure if he could see him in person just yet, he needed to
phone him up and at least ask how he was doing.
Gerard sometimes got so lost in his own mind that he neglected to recall that
Frank struggled just as much as he did, and although Gerard didn't know the
exact cause of his emotional distress, he knew that Frank was very similar to
him in that aspect. Frank needed someone to be there for him, to support him,
to hold him when he was on the verge of breaking apart, and Gerard had been
that person for the past month or so, he had been the one Frank turned to when
he was in search of any form of comfort, but now Gerard had basically abandoned
him after a traumatic event, and the guilt from that was almost worse than
everything else Gerard had experienced over the past few days combined.
"Anytime Gee," Mikey smiled broadly, his expression mirrored by Ray and Bert as
the rigidity in the atmosphere bled away slowly.
"Well now that we have gotten that settled, anyone want to watch a movie?" Ray
broke the silence with his suggestion, heading over to the DVD case as soon as
he received a nod of affirmation from Mikey.
As Bert and Ray began bickering over what title they wanted to view, Gerard
took the opportunity to mull over Mikey's advice for a second time, sending his
brother a small smile in the way of a silent thank you that Mikey accepted with
a similar expression pulling at the corner of his lips.
Gerard might not enjoy when Mikey did things like this that involved dragging
his friends together in an attempt to make Gerard see sense, but even under the
intense scrutiny that his mind had put their entire conversation through, he
had to admit that Mikey had a point. He was always the first to label himself
harshly, but maybe this time he could recover as long as he didn't sleep with
Frank again until he was eighteen.
And honestly - no matter how good the sex was with Frank, that wasn't the only
reason Gerard craved him in his life. Frank just had a way of making everything
better, of quieting the voices in Gerard's head, of allowing Gerard to believe
that he was safe for a short time, of injecting joy into the most minute of
situations - that was what Gerard needed right now, and maybe Frank did too.
Gerard was going to call him, he had already had enough trouble resisting that
particular urge anyway, and hopefully Frank would be happy to hear from him.
Gerard wanted to make this work, he reallydid, so if he could stop himself from
ripping his intentions apart and casting doubt on every one of his decisions,
he was truly starting to believe that he and Frank might actually have a chance
at some form of friendship at the very least, which was much better than
nothing.
And after Frank was eighteen, it wasn't impossible to think that they could
pick up where they had left off, but none of that would happen if Gerard didn't
speak with Frank soon, so he swore that as soon as his friends left, he would
reach out to the younger man so he could apologize for the way he had been
behaving over the past few days, and then they would see how things went from
there.
***** Who Knew Phone Tag Could Be So Heartbreaking *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Frank wasn't sure how long he stayed curled up in that same spot, but
eventually, he knew that his solitary moment had come to an end, as all things
must, so with a weary sigh that seemed to come from the bottom of his toes,
Frank heaved himself to a standing position, patting the ground fondly in a
silent farewell before turning back the way he had come, stretching his stiff
legs as much as possible in an effort to arrive home in a somewhat timely
manner.
And as much as Frank wasn't looking forward to facing whatever was awaiting for
him within the four walls that he now loathed more than he most teenagers
should, at least Frank didn't have to worry about work on top of the stress
that came with looking after his mother; he had taken the week off from the
restaurant in order to acclimate himself to the new school year, or at least,
that was the excuse he had fed to his boss who had bought it hook, line, and
sinker. Frank hadn't been aware of how badly he would need the mini-vacation
until just now, but he was grateful for his unintended foresight, because the
added pressure of making it through a shift in his current state would surely
have broken him, not that he wasn't borderline destroyed already.
Frank didn't feel on the verge of ruination right now though, in fact, he might
almost be able to say that he okay if he was asked; his detour to his and
Gerard's place had done wonders for his fragile psyche, and apparently spending
a few hours reminiscing over all the good times he and Gerard had shared had
been exactly what he needed to revive his weary body for a short time, even his
feet felt lighter as he continued onward at a brisk pace.
As Frank walked, he found his mind wandering to the topic involving why he was
so emotionally devastated over what had occurred between him and Gerard, and
with his newfound semblance of peace still lingering after his stay in the
meadow, Frank began to realize that his reaction was decidedly odd when he took
a step back and truly looked at their situation with a critical eye.
Gerard was important to Frank - that was a given, but why did he mean so much
to him, and how had he managed to slip through Frank's defensives that he
rarely let down, and never as quickly as he had done for Gerard. Frank had only
known him for a little more than a month, which was a tiny blip of time
relatively speaking, but he had somehow become Frank's entire world in the span
of four short weeks, which led Frank to ponder how much their bond would have
grown if Gerard wasn't Frank's teacher.
Frank had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he would never be
privileged enough to find out though, because Gerard still hadn't contacted
him, and fuck - with every second that passed without some form of reassurance
from the older man, Frank was quickly beginning to lose hope in the fact that
Gerard might be able to see past his age once the initial shock had worn off.
That didn't mean that Frank was going to stop waiting for him though - hell,
Frank would probably hold out for Gerard for the rest of his life if Gerard
asked him to, but still - Frank wasn't sure how much longer he could last
without doing something idiotic like confronting Gerard in his classroom. He
didn't want to cause a scene, he just wanted some acknowledgment, a wave -
anything really, even a simple touch would be enough to keep him going until
Gerard decided what would become of them and their illegal relationship.
Frank wondered if he was simply fooling himself into believing that he and
Gerard had something special, that maybe he was somehow inflating everything to
give his life some sense of purpose that he had been missing ever since his
father left. Gerard was his first real boyfriend after all, and even though he
had been with numerous people sexually over the course of his short life, they
had never captured his interest like Gerard had managed to, which could all be
an easily explained product caused by teenage hormones and actually feeling
wanted for once.
But no - there was more to their connection, something besides for physical
attraction and a desire for attention that every human possessed, there was an
emotion there that was even more intense than anything Frank had ever
experienced before. Frank wasn't sure if he believed in soul mates, or true
love, but if he did, he would have labeled Gerard as one of the aforementioned
without a doubt, because this wasn't some high school romance, or a passing
fling that Frank would forget about a few years down the line, Frank was
convinced of that, and even though he wasn't sure how he knew, Frank wasn't
going to fight against the conclusion that he had reached soon after meeting
Gerard. 
He needed Gerard, that much was certain, even if it was only as a friend for
now, but this radio silence was killing him faster than the deadliest poison
slipped into his drink ever could, so Frank either had to find a way to dull
the agony he was constantly plagued with, or he had to convince Gerard to give
him another chance as soon as possible.
Imbued with a new sense of hope that was lacking in any form of a true
foundation, and really, its random appearance was a mystery in and of itself,
Frank pulled out his phone quickly, dialing Gerard's number as a soft grin
tugged at the corner of his lips. He had no reason to believe that Gerard would
pick up this time, he hadn't done so any of the times before after all, but
Frank wasn't going to question the sudden rush of positivity that he was
currently experiencing, in fact, he soaked in every ounce of it that he could
get gratefully as he brought the device up to his ear.
But as Frank should have expected, but for some idiotic reason, he hadn't, the
call went straight to voicemail after three rings, leaving Frank shell shocked
and shattered as he gazed down at the screen as if the device could provide him
with some guidance involving what the fuck he was supposed to do now.
But when no answering call came in, no text - nothing, Frank felt all of his
earlier jubilation draining out of him with a rapidness that left him reeling
and woozy, even though it was really his own fault for investing so much faith
in something which such a small success rate. Frank should have known better
than to assume that just because he was starting to heal slightly that it
didn't mean that Gerard had come to terms with Frank's deception just yet, so
he only had himself to blame for jumping to conclusions in the first place.
Still - the ignored phone call hurt more than Frank had thought that it would,
and now it seemed as if the minute progress he had made earlier was
nonexistent. If anything, Frank was just as upset as he had been when he had
walked into his classroom to find Gerard waiting for him - maybe even more so
now that the initial shock had worn off and Frank was beginning to truly come
to terms with the fact that no matter how strongly he felt toward Gerard, he
obviously didn't feel the same way.
A sudden rush of anger slithered through Frank's bloodstream along with the
pain that had become customary to him; Frank wasfurious, not necessarily at
Gerard, or even at himself, just this entire situation. It wasn't fair - not
that anything in his life ever was, but just this once, was it too much for
Frank to ask for a happy ending?
Apparently so, because Gerard didn't respond to Frank's call the entire way
home, or while he was making his mother dinner, or even when he was cleaning up
the kitchen. With each passing second, Frank found himself getting more and
more wound up, his skin began to feel too tight, and he knew he had to release
this tension somehow before it consumed him entirely.
Frank tried to speak with his mother again, using his previous story about a
girl that he was interested in as a basis, providing a bit more detail in the
hopes of invoking some sort of response out of her, but although she was in a
better mood than yesterday, her attention span was decidedly lacking, and when
Frank continued to prod her for some sort of advice, she had simply told him
that 'she trusted him, and whatever he decided to do would work out for the
best one way or the other'.
Frank didn't appreciate the sweet sentiment though, because it didn't make him
feel any better; he wanted someone to listen to him, to actually hear his words
without brushing them off, to care, to try and help him out of this mess
without blaming him for getting into it in the first place, just like Gerard
would have done if Frank could still turn to him whenever he needed any form of
reassurance.
Frank briefly considered heading down to his favorite bar, because Brendon was
always willing to listen to his problems without passing judgment, but Frank
was still suffering from the aftereffects of his hangover caused by last
night's binge drinking session, even though the headache and weak stomach that
had been plaguing him all day had finally begun to lessen slightly - still,
more alcohol wasn't what he was looking for right now, and he wasn't sure if he
wanted to spill his troubles to Brendon after his last visit in which he had
done nothing besides for brag about how perfect Gerard was.
Finally, Frank ended up calling Pete, not that he was his last resort in most
things, but Frank knew how Pete would react to hearing Frank's tale, and his
sort of comfort wasn't what Frank was searching for right now. Pete would want
to hear the entire story, forcing Frank to relive the events once more through
his words, he wouldn't allow Frank to ramble, and cry, and simply expel his
emotions like he needed to, he would want to view the situation with a logical
eye, which would inevitably bring him to the conclusion that Frank should leave
Gerard before he got hurt any more than he already was, which wasn't what Frank
wanted to hear, but he was out of options by this point, and it was too late
now, because the phone had already clicked quietly, alerting Frank to the fact
that Pete had picked up.
"Hey Frank, what's up?" Pete's cheerful voice came over the line, inspiring
Frank to move away from his mother's room so she wouldn't hear his end of the
conversation. She had chosen to call it a day earlier than she typically did,
and even though Frank was slightly worried about what had caused her exhaustion
that she had carried plainly on her shoulders for the entire evening, it also
meant that he was free to do whatever he wanted for the rest of the night, so
he pushed his misgivings aside for now, focusing on his best friend's words
instead.
"Nothing really," Frank lied, even though Pete would find out the truth soon
enough. "Would it be okay if I came over for a bit?" Frank asked, because
although it wasn't that late, the sun was still up at least, Frank knew Pete's
parents had certain restrictions about him having company over on a school
night, even though they sometimes bent the rules when Frank was involved.
"Yeah that should be okay," Pete responded excitedly, "Mom and Dad went out on
some sort of date thing, but I doubt they would mind."
"Okay, I'll be there soon."
"Is everything okay?" Pete asked before Frank could hang up, leaving him
trapped with the phone held at an awkward angle as he tried to decide if he
should pretend that he hadn't heard Pete's query or not.
"Uh..." Frank stammered out when too much time had passed for him to fake
ignorance, "not really, but I'll explain more in person."
Frank quickly ended the call before Pete had a chance to pry any further,
stealthily escaping out the front door after slipping on his shoes, grabbing
his mother's keys on the way since he didn't feel up for any more walking
today, and within minutes, Frank was pulling out of the driveway, turning the
wheel in the direction of Pete's place as he purposely kept his mind as blank
as possible, not wanting to show up on Pete's doorstep on the verge of breaking
down in tears, and the only way to ensure that was to avoid any and all
thoughts of Gerard, which was easier said than done.
~~~
Frank managed to keep his composure as he followed Pete into his room after
being engulfed by his friend's traditional hug that is, the contact actually
calming Frank's earlier agitation to the point that Frank found himself
nuzzling against Pete's chest, losing himself in the feeling of being held by
someone else for a few short moments, even if he would much rather prefer
having Gerard's arms wrapped around his small frame, but he would take any sort
of affectionate that he could get right now.
Much to Frank's surprise, Pete hadn't immediately attacked him with questions
involving what was bothering him, instead, he allowed Frank to shuffle around
his room aimlessly, his hands brushing over Pete's numerous CD's and movies,
putting off the inevitable explanation he knew he owed his friend for as long
as possible, although a part of him was bursting at the seams to finally tell
someone everything that had occurred over the past two days.
"Come here Frank, you are making me dizzy with your pacing," Pete finally spoke
up after a few minutes, snapping Frank's head up in the process, and it was
only then that he realized that he had indeed been wearing a path into Pete's
carpet without being aware of it, leaving an obvious line in-between his desk
and his bookshelf which had been Frank's starting and ending points for his
impromptu wandering.
Kicking off his shoes hastily, Frank let his body go limp as Pete latched onto
his wrist, dragging Frank down onto the mattress next to him with a slight tug.
Frank immediately burrowed into the plush comforter, dragging the blanket up
over his shoulders as if it was a shield that could protect him from everything
that was hurting him, although his wounds had already been inflicted, and no
amount of armor would help them heal by this point.
"I -" Frank halted as soon as he began, knowing that he had to start somewhere,
but not quite sure how to do that without losing his tenuous grip on his unruly
emotions, his throat swelling up as Pete gazed down at him with concerned eyes,
his fingers grazing over the skin of Frank's arm gently as Frank heaved in a
sudden rush of air. "I fucked up Pete," Frank finally settled on saying, his
lids squeezing shut as his head fell backward, landing on the nearby pillow
with a soft thump. "Gerard found out my real age."
"Shit..." Pete exhaled heavily, his grip on Frank tightening slightly before he
forced himself to relax. "How did he take it?"
"Not too badly considering the way it happened," Frank chuckled weakly, finding
humor in his own pain for a brief moment.
"Which was?" Pete prodded gently, shifting their position so Frank was now
pressed up against Pete's side, his familiar heat pulling Frank away from the
edge of the tears for a few more seconds.
"He's my music theory teacher," Frank answered bluntly, his voice emitting cold
and dead as he spoke, his teeth digging into his lower lip as he waited for
what Pete was going to say next.
"Oh fuck - you have to be kidding...right?" Pete gasped, his shocked expression
melting into one of pity as Frank shook his head weakly. "Frank...that's like -
seriously messed up."
"Don't you think I know that?" Frank whimpered softly, even though he had no
problem with Gerard's age, or his occupation, even though he understood why
Pete did, but he didn't have the energy to expend arguing the semantics of it
with Pete, he wouldn't agree with Frank no matter how much conviction he put
behind his sentiments.
"So what happened after that?" Pete asked in a whisper, his expression border-
lining on comical as he attempted to contain himself until Frank was finished
with his story.
"I - I tried to talk to him after class, but he yelled at me, told me to leave
him alone, but I just couldn't do that, so I went to his apartment. We spoke
for a bit once he got home, but I - fuck Pete, he's been ignoring me ever
since, and I know our relationship is illegal, but still - I can't lose him,
not like this. I just want to understand what's going on in his head, to make
sure that he is okay, to be his friend if nothing else, but it seems like he is
debating on whether or not to wash his hands of me, and the waiting is killing
me...I think I'm going insane."
Frank's strength broke after his expulsion of words, and before he could stop
himself, he was sobbing into Pete's t-shirt, his hands digging into the fabric
he had draped around him as he cried loudly, Pete's hushed murmurs becoming
lost among his ugly tears, but he did feel the pressure of Pete's hand on his
spine pulling him closer to his friend, rubbing gently in a soothing way as
Frank bit the inside of his mouth roughly, using the physical pain to stifle
his sorrows the best that he could.
"Don't cry Frank, it's going to be alright," Pete begged quietly, his tone
emitting in a slightly gruff fashion, leading Frank to believe that his own
emotional display was affecting Pete more than he had previously thought it
would. "I hate seeing you like this, I wish I could make it so that you would
never be hurt again."
And even though Frank would usually brush off Pete's kindness, stating that he
would be fine eventually, he couldn't do that this time, because he honestly
wasn't sure if he would. Gerard had changed his entire life, and he shuddered
at the thought of going back to a world in which Gerard held no part in it, it
was an unfeasible task now anyway.
"I just - fuck," Frank stuttered, a second round of tears causing his sentence
to emit in a garbled fashion as he forced himself to speak through them. "I
feel like I'm dying without him, and I know that's unhealthy, and overdramatic,
but it's the truth. Everything hurts, it's as if I'm being ripped in half over
and over again, and just when I finally find the energy to start stitching
myself up, I somehow manage to rip out the thread and make everything worse
than it was before."
"It's normal to be upset Frank, I mean...he was your first boyfriend, and
having a fallout with that person is never easy, but think of it this way...he
was going to discover the fact that you are seventeen sooner or later, and it
least it happened now before you got even more attached. I know it doesn't seem
like it at the moment, but you will move on from this."
Frank groaned under his breath once Pete's speech was finished, because this
was exactly the type of advice that he didn't want to hear right now. He knew
that Pete thought he was being helpful, but he didn't understand how much
Gerard meant to him, so he wasn't able to fully comprehend the magnitude of
Frank's heartache.
"I don't think I will," Frank protested stubbornly, pushing himself away from
Pete slightly so he could fix him with a serious look as he spoke. "Gerard is
special to me, and I - I think I might be falling in love with him," Frank
admitted, surprising himself with his honesty, because he hadn't been intending
to reveal that fact just yet, actually- he wasn't entirely sure if what he was
experiencing was the beginnings of love or not, but once his statement hit the
open air, Frank knew it was the truth, it was the only explanation for why he
was so affected by all of this.
"Are...are you sure?" Frank could physically see Pete attempting to hold back
the 'I told you so' that was residing at the tip of his tongue but much to his
surprise, Pete didn't glorify in the fact that he had been right all along, in
fact, he looked just as upset as Frank felt at the moment.
"Yeah...I am, I mean - I'm not in love with him yet, but I really think I could
be soon, and I know you told me that this would happen, and I should have
listened to you from the start, but I can't stay away from Gerard, he is worth
all of this pain - he's worth everything, but I can't handle not knowing how he
feels about me, or if he is ever going to talk to me again, and I just need
someone to agree with me right now, believe me - I am aware of how much of an
idiot I have been, so I don't need to hear it too.
"I wasn't going to say that," Pete huffed, but Frank didn't miss the slightly
guilty expression that crossed over his face momentarily, "but you are right,
you don't need to listen to me pretending to know shit about you two, because I
don't, and hey - maybe Gerard isn't purposely shutting you out, and I'm sure he
cares for you a hell of a lot too, so please don't cry." Pete whimpered as
Frank began shuddering violently, his damp cheeks receiving another layer of
moisture as Pete's words had the opposite effect that he had intended them to
have.
"I can't seem to stop," Frank hiccupped, all of his earlier tension bleeding
out of him in the form of tears, leaving him exhausted and aching as Pete began
to rock him gently. "I know we can't really be together as long as he is my
teacher, but...fucking hell - I hate this so much."
"I know Frankie...I'm so sorry," Pete muttered solemnly, his repetitive motions
lulling Frank more than Frank had expected them too. "I'm here for you, and
I'll do whatever I can to help you feel better, just let me know." Pete
punctuated his words with a light kiss to Frank's forehead, the usually
affectionate gesture causing Frank to gasp aloud once he felt Pete's lips
against his overheated skin, the simple touch resonating differently within him
than it usually did.
"I just want the pain to stop...just for a little while," Frank sighed heavily,
debating on if he should just ignore his upset stomach and drink himself into
oblivion anyway, despite the fact that he knew he would get sick soon after.
His only other option for burying his problems had always involved sex after
all...
Almost before the thought had fully sunk in, Frank found himself lunging for
Pete's mouth, his eyes finally drying up as he their torsos collided heavily,
the sensation of having someone else's body so close to his own leaving Frank
aching for more, because although Pete wasn't Gerard, he also didn't remind
Frank of Gerard in any way like he was sure a random hookup would do, but Pete
was just Pete: his best friend, his fuck buddy, and he needed physical contact
right now more than he ever had before.
"Frank - wait," Pete heaved out, pulling himself away from Frank forcibly as he
spoke, derailing Frank's plans entirely, and much to his chagrin, Frank found
himself on the verge of tears again, because Pete wasn't supposed to question
this, he never had in the past, but Frank had also never been taken during the
activities either, even though he was almost entirely convinced that Gerard
didn't consider the two of them together any longer.
"Please - I need this," Frank all but begged, his chest rising and falling
rapidly as he quickly ripped his shirt off, suddenly feeling entirely too hot
in the small room even though he had been comfortable not two minutes ago.
"But...Gerard - I mean, this might not be the best idea. You are really torn up
over this whole thing, and I think that you should -"
"I swear to god Pete if you don't fuck me right now, I am going to find someone
else that will," Frank growled, cutting Pete off midsentence with his
aggressive statement, and even though his threat was an empty one - he most
likely would curl up with a bottle of vodka instead if Pete really didn't want
to do this - much to Frank's relief, Pete gave in easily, rapidly throwing off
his clothes before pinning Frank down against the bed, his lips immediately
latching onto Frank's neck as Frank moaned happily.
"Yeah - fuck Pete," Frank heaved out, his hands tangling in Pete's dark hair as
his mind finally shut down for a short time, his brain now otherwise occupied
with how fucking good it felt when Pete scrapped his teeth over Frank's
sensitive skin.
"I've missed this," Pete murmured against Frank's shoulder blade while tugging
down Frank's pants, his movements hurried and choppy as if he couldn't wait
another second to get Frank naked. Frank simply gasped in reply, andreally - it
had been quite some time since they had done anything sexual with each other,
but Frank had been too caught up with Gerard to think about it until just now.
And although Frank had expected to instantly become overwhelmed with guilt
caused by what he was doing, because even if Gerard didn't classify them a
couple anymore, Frank did, but once Pete began inching two fingers inside of
him, Frank could think of nothing else besides for the delicious sensation of
being so filled, or the bursts of pleasure that were shooting up his spine as
Pete's scissored his digits widely.
Frank knew that hiding his problems this way was wrong, and although he might
feel better at the moment, he would most likely regret everything in the
morning, but still - he was too lost in the ecstasy he was experiencing to stop
now, and he didn't want the ache in his heart to return just yet, so Frank
shoved his misgivings to the back of mind as he bounced on Pete's hand
greedily.
"I'm ready - come on," Frank demanded, his eyes rolling up in the back of his
head as Pete sucked on his nipples heavily, his slick fingers buried to the
second knuckle as he nipped at the raised buds avidly.
"Yeah - fuck," Pete nodded eagerly, somehow managing to seem even more
desperate than Frank, imbuing Frank with that sense of being wanted that he
hadn't experienced since he had been with Gerard, and even though that hadn't
been long ago at all, it might have well as been eons to Frank since he had
last felt Gerard's naked skin against his.
And once Pete was fully inside of Frank, his hard length twitching as Frank
cried out at the sudden stretch, Frank forgot about his current heartache, in
fact - he ceased to think of Gerard entirely, drowning his pain in Pete's
movements that were hitting just the right spot, leaving Frank shaky and
breathless with pleasure instead of tears for the first time in far too long.
~~~
It took Gerard an embarrassingly long amount of time to work up the courage to
call Frank after his discussion with his friends, involving Gerard simply
staring down at Frank's contact name more often than not, trying to decide if
he was really ready to do this, and what he was going to say if he was.
It wasn't as if Gerard didn't want to talk to Frank - in fact, he was dying to,
but he was terrified of what that conversation would involve, and he didn't
trust himself to hold true to his earlier decision to take things slowly
between them once he had heard Frank's voice.
Still- Gerard had promised Mikey that he would do this, and although he had
long ago retreated to his room for some semblance of privacy when - if the
conversation between he and Frank ever occurred, he could still feel Mikey's
eyes on him like they had been for most of the night, so before he could
rethinking this any more than he already had, he pressed send, his hands
physically trembling as he held in breath in anticipation.
But when four rings had passed, followed by the monotone voice asking Gerard to
leave a message after the beep - Frank had never gotten around to setting up
his own greeting apparently, Gerard could barely comprehend what had happened,
even though it was obvious. Frank hadn't picked up, that much was clear, but
Gerard didn't want to accept that, not after it had taken him so long to talk
himself into making the call in the first place.
Maybe Frank was just busy, and he would phone back at any moment, but still -
Gerard knew Frank didn't work this week, he had informed him of that before
Frank's secret regarding his age had been revealed, and it was much too early
for Frank to have gone to bed being that it was barely nine in the evening.
Gerard knew it was ridiculous to expect Frank to always pick up on the first
try, but he had always done so before, even when Gerard phoned him up at three
in the morning once, and Gerard found himself wondering if Frank was giving him
a taste of his own medicine.
Gerard deserved that if that was truly what Frank was doing after all of the
calls from Frank he had ignored, the most recent being from this afternoon, but
Gerard couldn't imagine Frank restoring to those methods. He wasn't a spiteful
person, not in the least, but it was possible that Gerard's radio silence had
pushed him into acting outside of his normal behavior, even though Gerard truly
hoped that wasn't the case, because that would mean that Gerard had wounded
Frank much deeper than he had originally thought.
Gerard hadn't meant to hurt Frank, even though it was obvious that he had,
butstill - he was the one who had been lied to, he was the one who could
potentially get arrested if he did decide to give Frank another chance, so he
felt entitled to taking a few days to work through the mess he had found
himself in.
Once fifteen minutes had passed with still no response from Frank, Gerard threw
his phone roughly, expelling some of his frustration when the device hit a
nearby lamp, sending it toppling to the floor with a loud thump that somehow
soothed his anger momentarily. The sound had apparently caught Mikey's
attention though, because not thirty seconds later, he poked his head into
Gerard's bedroom, sending him a quizzical look before his gaze fell to the
fallen shade.
"So...I'm assuming your talk wasn't a good one?" Mikey asked warily, pushing
the door open a little wider so he now had a clear view of Gerard who was
currently curled up on top of his sheets dejectedly.
"He didn't pick up," Gerard scoffed coldly, transferring some of his fury onto
Mikey, he had been the one to suggest this stupid endeavor in the first place
after all.
"Gee...he's probably just caught up with something, and I'm sure he'll call you
back as soon as he can."
"Whatever...I don't care," Gerard huffed, doing his best to ignore the tears
pricking at the corner of his eyelids. "I'm going to bed anyway."
"Okay...I'm about to head over to Ray's in the next few minutes, but please
phone me if you need anything."
"I will," Gerard responded wearily, flipping his body over so his back was
facing Mikey until the sound of his retreating footsteps faded away entirely.
And even though Gerard knew he was acting ridiculous, and he had no right to be
so upset over what was most likely nothing, applying logic to this situation
wasn't making his heart ache any less, so Gerard resigned himself to another
night spent sobbing into his pillow until exhaustion overtook him completely,
which was all he seemed to be doing lately, and unless he and Frank reached
some sort of understanding soon, he would probably continue to follow this
routine for quite some time.
Chapter End Notes
     I am looking forward to the reactions on this chapter, but don't hate
     Pete too much, no one can resist Frank.
     Also, I think I have the next part of the story fully planned out
     now, so that means that updates might come quicker if I can find the
     time to write, but as always, no promises.
     Hopefully you enjoyed <3
***** Bereft And Guilt-Ridden *****
As soon as Frank snapped back into consciousness, courtesy of his phone alarm
which he was quickly growing to despise, he was hit with the painful
realization of how badly he had fucked up.
It was early still, Frank had purposely made sure he would awaken with enough
time to return his mother's car before she realized that he was gone, having
chosen to spend the night at Pete's place after his emotional breakdown which
had ended in sex, but Frank regretted that decision now - fuck, he regretted
everything.
Pete was still fast asleep, the harsh ringing hadn't fazed him at all, for
which Frank was thankful for. He didn't think he could face his best friend
right now, even the simple pressure of his arm which was lightly lying over
Frank's stomach had his skin crawling with disgust, and not because of Pete, he
hadn't done anything wrong - no, Frank was the guilty party here, and once
again, he had managed to ruin any chance that remained of reconciling with
Gerard all because of a pointless fuck.
Moving as little as possible in an attempt to make sure that Pete didn't stir,
Frank slipped off of the mattress, needing to get as far away from his friend
as possible, his knees shaking and his insides burning as the weight of his
impromptu actions crashed down around his already overburdened shoulders.
Feeling suddenly nauseous, Frank swallowed thickly, begging his body not to get
sick all over Pete's carpet, but it didn't seem to want to comply. He was
overcome with a sudden wave of heat, his throat filling with bile as he allowed
himself to curl up on the floor, his hands clutching at his middle weakly as he
did his best not to throw up or cry like he so desperately needed to.
Frank deserved to suffer this way though, he welcomed it even, because he had
to pay for his mistakes, and if this was the universe's way of telling Frank
that he was the world's biggest idiot, than he was receiving the message loud
and clear.
Frank didn't know why he had slept with Pete, or what inspired him to think
that it would be a good idea, because it wasn't - it very well might have been
the worst thing he had ever done, and if he could go back in time, he would
slap his former self so hard he would be seeing stars for days, but he was
stuck in the present, which meant he was also unable to escape the shame and
regret that was quickly suffocating him.
Frank cursed his weakness that had made him search out physical affection in
the hopes of easing his pain, because no matter how much better he had felt in
the moment, it wasn't worth this agony - nothing was, but worst of all, he had
betrayed Gerard, because they were still technically together, and Frank had
shredded his trust into a thousand tiny pieces, not only with his lie about
being nineteen, but now with this unforgivable sin.
Gerard would hate him as soon as he found out, it was inevitable. Frank had
personally witnessed how badly he had reacted to Frank's earlier deception
regarding Frank's age, but what he had done last night had shrunken that
falsity down to the size of a candle compared to a roaring bonfire.
And really - Frank accepted the fact that Gerard would despise him once his
infidelity became know, because actions had consequences, and he was ready to
deal with his no matter how horrendous they were, but what he couldn't live
with was the fact that this would hurt Gerard, which seemed to be Frank's
specialty lately.
Frank couldn't believe that none of this had crossed his mind last night before
he all but threw himself at Pete, and he had no convenient excuse like
excessive drunkenness to explain away some of his poor decision making, not
that it would have made his actions any more forgivable, but still - if he had
been wasted, Frank might feel the slightest bit better about what he had done.
But the fact of the matter was that Frank hadn't been inebriated, not in the
slightest, he had just been desperate, and hurting, and acting like the slut he
never truly wanted to admit it himself that he was, but now he had proven to
everyone that he was indeed incapable of dealing with his emotions in a healthy
way, not that he wasn't aware of this before.
He had promised Gerard though - he had sworn that he would wait for him, and
now barely two days later, he was in bed with another man doing his best to
pretend that Gerard didn't exist in his selfish field of vision. Gerard was
already struggling with the decision of trusting Frank again after his initial
deception, but now Frank had broken down any and all hope of that ever
happening again, because Gerard wouldn't be able to move past this - at least,
Frank didn't think he would, and even if he somehow did, he shouldn't - god
knows Frank would only do something else to wound him further down the line if
he was given a second chance.
Bitter tears fueled by an overwhelming wave of self-loathing erupted behind
Frank's shut lids, but he couldn't shed them - not here, not with Pete
slumbering peaceful two feet away and his parents in the house as well. Needing
to escape before he lost the last shreds of his composure, Frank forced his
body to unfurl from the small ball he had tucked himself into, hurriedly
shoving on his shoes before sneaking downstairs and out the door, thankfully
making it all the way to his car without being noticed.
Once Frank was safely secured within the metal body of his vehicle, he dug his
phone out of his pocket, intending to check the time, but instead, he was
greeted with a notification that caused his heart to seize in his chest and his
hands to shake erratically.
Gerard had called him - Gerard had fucking called him and Frank hadn't heard,
either because he had been asleep, or because he had been lost in Pete's body,
Frank couldn't remember when exactly any of the events of last night had
occurred. Frank almost laughed at the extreme irony that had done this to him,
but what was supposed to be a humorous sound quickly morphed into an ugly sob
that seemed to rip its way out of the bottom of Frank's ribcage.
As Frank continued to cry harshly, he swore he could feel the path his tears
were taking as they left his body, but instead of being formed of excess water,
they were based in acid, searing his insides as they traveled out of his eyes,
burning his internal organs on the way, leaving Frank hunched over the steering
wheel with his face in his hands, his shoulders pulling downward in a futile
attempt at protecting himself from the internal pain he was in, even though he
knew there was no defense against this.
Frank wondered what Gerard would have said if Frank had picked up; maybe they
would have worked something out, maybe he was going to tell Frank that he
wanted him back, or maybe it was the breakup that Frank had been expecting for
the past few days and Gerard had simply been going to drive in the final nail
on the coffin that contained their short relationship.
Acting on sheer desperation, Frank hit redial with a trembling finger, begging
to anyone that would listen that Gerard would somehow be awake and that he
would chose to answer. Frank was clueless over what he would say if he did - in
fact, he would probably start crying even harder the second he heard Gerard's
voice, but that didn't matter, because the call quickly went to voicemail
anyway, leaving Frank alone to try and stifle his sobs on his own.
A few minutes passed before Frank managed to lift his aching neck out of its
cramped position, wiping his eyes harshly before stubbornly shoving his keys
into the ignition. As much as he wanted to spend the entire day drowning in
self-pity, he had other responsibilities, and he couldn't ignore his mother, or
school, so with a deep grimace marring his features, Frank managed to hold
himself together for long enough to back out of Pete's driveway and make his
way down the empty streets at a slow speed.
Frank's stomach churned with guilt the entire way home, the fact that he would
have to see Gerard today intensifying the suffocating feeling until Frank
honestly thought he might have to pull over in order to empty his stomach of
its contents. How was he going to be able to look Gerard in the eye without
breaking down in sobs, how could he make it through an entire hour in such
close proximity with the man he might be beginning to love, but who he had also
thrown aside last night like he meant nothing at all to him?
Frank didn't know what he was feeling anymore, maybe he had simply inflated his
feelings for Gerard in a desperate bid to pretend that he could still feel
something positive, or maybe he really did care that intensely for him, but if
that were so, how could he have slept with Pete so easily?
None of this made sense to Frank anymore, he wasn't conditioned for these
extreme amounts of emotional turmoil, but Gerard had unearthed a plethora of
both good and bad sensations with his presence, and Frank couldn't discover how
to return to the uncaring person he had been not too long ago.
As Frank pulled to a stop in front of his home, the breaking light of dawn
casting a glow of warmth about the building that contained anything but, Frank
concluded that he had to tell Gerard what he had done. Gerard had been lied to
enough by him, and even if revealing his tryst with Pete destroyed any chance
Frank had of winning Gerard back, it was something that needed to be done.
Gerard deserved the truth, and Frank was going to give it to him, no matter how
much the thought of voicing his infidelities aloud pained him.
~~~
Gerard chewed on his pen idly as the clock behind him ticked loudly, what was
supposed to be a soft cadence was resonating harshly in his ears, stiffening
his already locked up muscles to the point in which they were two seconds away
from seizing up, but no matter how often Gerard tried to relax, he couldn't -
not with Frank seated in this lesson.
Gerard had been upset last night when Frank hadn't answered his call, but now
that anger had become muted, dampened down by a night of tears and a few hours
of sleep. Gerard didn't blame Frank for not picking up, and it helped that he
woke up to a notification telling him that Frank had tried to reach him earlier
that morning, but Gerard had already been late for work, so he had chosen not
to ring him up just yet, knowing he would never make it to the high school if
he got involved in a conversation with the younger man.
Gerard was considering holding Frank after class let out today, and not only so
they could discuss what he had originally wanted to yesterday, but because
Frank looked awful, and Gerard couldn't deny the fact that his heart had
stuttered in his chest when Frank had walked past his desk with his head down
and obvious tear tracks streaking his face.
Gerard had been spending entirely too much time trying to decipher the cause of
Frank's sorrow, ignoring the rest of his students as they struggled through the
worksheet he had handed out to them. Was it simply remnants of his sorrow from
the fallout between the two of them - no, Gerard didn't think so. Whatever had
happened to Frank seemed fresh, and it was obviously still tearing him apart,
leading Gerard to believe that his misery had another source. Maybe it had
something to do with his home life, or bullies, or maybe it wasn't, but Gerard
liked those options more than the alternative, because he didn't want to find
out that he had been the one who had placed such a desolate expression on
Frank's face.
Gerard was well aware that it was idiotic of him to try and speak with Frank on
school grounds, even if this was the last period of the day, but he knew he
wouldn't be able to resist this time. His initial decision to ignore Frank was
already proving much too trying for him to follow through with, and he wouldn't
be able to live with himself if he let Frank leave thinking that Gerard didn't
care about his distress, because he did - hell, he probably always would, no
matter what happened.
The bell announcing the students freedom chimed suddenly, startling Gerard out
of his silent contemplation, but Frank seemed even more unaware than Gerard was
of the passing minutes if the way he physically jumped meant anything at all,
and although there was a large amount of distance separating their two desks,
Gerard swore that Frank looked completely petrified, making Gerard lean toward
his earlier hypothesis that maybe some classmates had threatened him with a
beating after school - god knows Gerard had suffered through enough of those in
his teenage years.
"Your homework is due on Friday," Gerard called out after the mass horde of
escaping bodies, not entirely caring if they had heard him or not. "If you get
stuck, you can stop by and see me after school tomorrow, I'll be here until
five."
Frank didn't join the exodus, choosing instead to huddle down in his seat with
the sleeves of his white shirt pulled over his hands, making Gerard's plan of
talking with him alone that much easier. No one even noticed the fact that
Frank had stayed behind, so as soon as the last straggler was out of the room,
Gerard stood up swiftly, locking the door and making sure the poster covering
the window was still firmly in place before turning around to face the younger
man.
"Frankie?" Gerard spoke softly when Frank showed no sign of movement, even
after Gerard began to head in his direction, hoping that the pet name would
soothe the obviously distressed boy slightly, but apparently it had the
opposite effect. Frank's face literally fell as Gerard's words floated across
the room, his eyes welded up with tears, and now that Gerard was closer to him,
he noticed that Frank was visibly trembling.
All of Gerard's doubts and wariness involving opening himself back up to Frank
disappeared in that moment when Gerard realized how close to breaking Frank
truly was, and although Gerard still wasn't sure what he wanted to do regarding
Frank's age, or even where they stood, he couldn't stand by and let Frank
suffer alone, it was physically paining him to witness it, but he was sure that
was nothing compared to the agony Frank was experiencing.
Gerard was actually slightly afraid to discover what had Frank on the verge of
tears, because Frank was strong, and yes - Gerard had seen him cry before, but
this was different somehow. Frank looked shattered, emotional bruised and
beaten down until there was hardly anything left of the Frank he adored, and
all Gerard wanted to do was to hold him in his arms and promise him that
everything was going to be okay, but he settled for sliding his body into the
seat adjacent to Frank, placing one hand on his quivering shoulder in what was
supposed to be a comforting gesture.
"Don't touch me - please," Frank spoke for the first time, his voice cracking
heavily halfway through his sentence as he pulled away from Gerard reluctantly.
"I don't deserve it."
"What do you mean?" Gerard asked warily, flexing his fingers which seemed to be
tingling just from the small amount of contact they had received, highlighting
how much he had truly missed being able to be close to Frank whenever he
wanted. "Are you okay?"
"No..." Frank sniffled softly, his eyes darting around wildly as if he were
looking for a way out. "Fuck Gerard - I'm so sorry, I never meant to...oh god."
Frank's spiral of nonsense was cut off by a quiet whimper, his adam's apple
working up and down as he tried to swallow back the tears that were obviously
threatening to overwhelm him.
"Oh sugar," Gerard murmured, the endearment slipping out before he could stop
it, an answering sting resonating at the corners of his eyes as a single tear
slipped down Frank's cheek, the droplet of salt water dragging over the lips
that Gerard ached to feel pressed against his own just one more time. "You
don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"I - I have to," Frank stuttered out, his words emerging in an almost
indecipherable fashion as he continued to fight against the urge to sob.
"Did someone hurt you?" Gerard questioned sharply, worry clipping his tone into
a harsher cadence than he meant for it to have, but he couldn't help himself.
Frank's hysterics were terrifying him, and the only thing he could think of
that would be at the root of this that didn't have to do with him was that he
was experiencing some form of abuse.
"No...it was me, I did something bad."
"Fuck - did you hurt yourself?" Gerard gasped, heaving out a sigh of relief
when Frank shook his head no. Gerard should have known that Frank wouldn't
resort to such coping methods, he wasn't like Gerard, which was a very good
thing.
Unable to handle seeing Frank so upset without at least trying to help him,
Gerard gave in to his unconscious desires and wrapped his arms around Frank,
rocking the distraught boy slowly as his whispered whatever calming words
popped into his head, some of the heaviness that had been surrounding his chest
since Monday evaporating as Frank leaned into his chest instead of flinching
away, a few more tears falling against Gerard's button up shirt as Frank
exhaled deeply as if gathering himself for a never ending plunge into an
imaginary abyss.
"I - Gerard...I slept with someone else," Frank spat out suddenly, the cries he
had been struggling to contain breaking free as soon as the words left his
lips, leaving Frank shaking under their assault as he burrowed deeper into
Gerard's touch, clutching tightly to the older man as he sputtered and
hiccupped loudly.
"Oh..." Gerard didn't know what else to say, because despite his numerous
assumptions, that hadn't factored into any of his musings.
"I'm so sorry...I just had to tell you, I can't - I feel so awful," Frank
rambled quietly, his sentiments muffled by the fabric that was covering his
mouth, but Gerard wasn't really listening anymore, he was too lost in his own
head at the moment.
Gerard kept Frank trapped in his embrace as he tried to sift through his
thoughts, and although he was hurt by Frank's actions, he wasn't going to try
and pretend that the thought of Frank underneath another man didn't release
bolts of agony throughout his lymph nodes, he wasn't as upset as he thought he
would be. Maybe he was just numb after everything he had been put through this
past week, but really - Gerard simply found it impossible to be furious with
Frank while he cried against him like the world was ending, even though their
story very well might be.
"You're okay though right?" Gerard found himself asking, needing to make sure
that Frank's misery wasn't caused by anything his partner may have done to him.
"I guess - technically yes, even though I hate myself for what I did. I wasn't
thinking, and I know that doesn't matter at all. I still fucked up, that's all
I seem to do lately. I'm not even sure why I did it, he's just a friend,
nothing more, but I was so upset, and I...I don't - I just wish I could take it
all back."
Gerard couldn't deny that hearing Frank say that this other person wasn't a
potential love interest was a relief, because it was, but the fact of the
matter was that Frank had still been unfaithful, and that stung, but it seemed
that Frank was even more bothered by his actions than Gerard was. Maybe it was
the way that Frank was so obviously regretful of what he had done, or maybe
Gerard simply cared for Frank so much that he was willing to look past his
infidelity, but whatever the case was, Gerard categorized this transgression
much lower compared to Frank's original lie.
A figurative lightbulb went off in Gerard's head at his last thought, because
that was the root of this - lies. He had been furious with Frank over his
initial deception, even if it hadn't been made with ill intentions, and
although most people would rather be deceived in other things than cheated on,
Gerard hated falsities with a burning passion, and the fact that Frank had
immediately come clean about this was why he wasn't shaking with rage.
Maybe Gerard could trust Frank after all, he had no reason to tell Gerard what
had transpired last night, he simply could have kept quiet about the entire
thing - hell, they were barely even in a relationship right now given Gerard's
ignorance of Frank and his status as his teacher, so Frank could have easily
made the argument that they weren't truly together, but he hadn't. He had
poured his heart out to Gerard and left it bleeding at his feet, giving Gerard
the option to pick it back up and place it in Frank's chest or to stomp on it
as he saw fit, and Gerard didn't even need to spend time debating which path he
was going to take.
"I'm not upset you with Frank, I promise." Gerard whispered softly, stroking
Frank's tangled hair back from his face gently as Frank gazed up at him a
confused expression.
"What - why not?" Frank queried, his nails digging into Gerard's sides roughly
as if he expected something to tear the two of them apart at any moment.
"Because you came and told me the truth right away, and honestly - I've been
where you are right now. I am no stranger to burying my problems in someone
else's body, and yes - I don't like the fact that you did that, but it's
partially my fault for avoiding you and driving you to it."
"No - don't say that. I understand that you need your space, and I shouldn't
have been so weak to give in to my usual habits, but I just - fuck Gerard, I
don't want to lose you...I miss you so much already," Frank whimpered quietly,
his eyes shining with unshed tears and a spark of hope that Gerard both loved
and hated to see.
Because no matter how much he related to Frank's statements, he wasn't ready to
jump back into this, and neither was Frank - even if he thought he was. This
entire situation was doomed from the start, and as long as Frank was seventeen,
Gerard couldn't give Frank the security he wanted, he knew that all along, but
he hadn't been willing to admit it to himself until just now.
If they attempted to pick up where they left off, they would be risking
everything, and as much as Gerard wanted to believe that Frank might be worth
that, he just wasn't sure. What they both needed was space, and time to think,
and most of all - honesty, which Gerard was finally going to give to Frank so
they could both attempt to work out something that wouldn't leave the other on
the edge of insanity.
"I don't want to lose you either," Gerard began slowly, cursing the way Frank's
lips turned upward into a small smile that Gerard was about to erase, "but I
also think we need to break this off - not forever, just for a little while. I
care about you a hell of a lot, but this is killing us already, and maybe
taking a step back will be the best thing. If you still want me when you are
eighteen, then I'll be here - I promise, but I'm not asking you to be faithful
until then, because we can't be together right now. I'll still be here for you
as a friend, and I don't want you to be afraid to speak to me about anything,
but I'm not going to let you ruin your life by clinging to me until I drag you
down."
Gerard forced himself to ignore the burning sensation in his throat that was
left behind by his words, locking away all of the negative emotions that were
threatening to well up from inside him in favor of appearing cool and
collected, knowing that was the only way he would be able to make it through
the conversation without devolving into the wreck of a person he truly was.
"But...you aren't - I mean, I don't want anyone else, and I know my actions
aren't showing that, but it's true, I meant it the first time I said it, and it
hasn't changed," Frank argued back, his torso pulling away from Gerard's
slightly, putting a small space between them that Gerard loathed, even though
he refused to close it.
"I know you feel that way now, and I'm not trying to doubt you, but I'm also
being logical. We can't do this Frank - it's illegal, it's wrong, and it can
destroy the both of us. I'm willing to risk my career if you are still dead set
on this in a few months, but until then, I can't be with you. I'm sorry for
leading you on, or making you think we had a chance when we talked the other
day, and believe me - I want to say 'fuck it all'and take you back right now,
but you have hurt me Frank, and I'm really confused about pretty much
everything right now."
Frank opened and closed his mouth numerous times, but nothing emerged. Gerard
was so tempted so lean over and press a soft kiss to his temple to ease his
agitation, but he didn't, knowing it would only make Frank's struggles worse in
the end, although he had still failed to remove his arm from around Frank's
shoulder.
"Okay," Frank finally said, his expression transforming into a blank canvas
that had Gerard shifting nervously in his seat. "I respect that, even if I
don't like it, but I - you will still answer my calls and stuff right? I swear
I won't phone you up every night or anything like that, I just - I miss your
voice a lot, and...never mind," Frank choked out softly.
"I swear I will, and you can ring me up as much you as like okay? I don't want
to cut you out of my life - hell, I don't think I can handle that," Gerard
tried to smile down at Frank's reassuringly, but it came out as more of grimace
instead, the stalwart front he was putting on for Frank's sake was beginning to
crumble down the longer he spent in the younger boy's presence.
"Yeah...me either," Frank mumbled imperceptibly before suddenly standing up,
his abrupt movement removing all contact between him and Gerard, leaving Gerard
feeling bereft and chilly without Frank's familiar heat next to him. "I'm sorry
- I need to go, but I guess I'll see you Friday."
"Wait - I can drive you home, I'm pretty sure you missed the bus by this
point," Gerard offered, but Frank was already hefting his bag over his back and
heading to the door, his sudden desire to escape confusing Gerard and also
wounding him more than it should have.
"I'll be fine, the late shuttle should still be there."
"Are you sure?" Gerard asked one final time, following behind Frank
pathetically, trying to think of something else to say to prolong their time
together for just a few more minutes.
"Yeah I'm good."
"Frank...I'm not doing this to hurt you - you know that right?" Gerard
questioned, a soft spike of agony flaring up when Frank refused to look in his
direction as he fumbled with the lock clumsily.
"I do...I'm just - I'm tired of crying in front of you today, and I guess I
wasn't expecting you to...uh - leave me, but it makes sense, I'm not upset,
well I am, but I'll be fine," Frank stammered out.
"You don't have to take off just because we broke up," Gerard pleaded one last
time, but he knew he was fighting a losing battle when Frank's head began
shaking back and forth erratically.
"I shouldn't be here anyway, someone might wonder why you are still here, and
my mom will be home soon."
"Okay...can you text me when you get home safe?" Gerard dared to ask, because
he was truly fearful about Frank's wellbeing right now. He of all people knew
that being in this state made drove oneself to doing idiotic things, he was the
prime example of that after all.
"I will," Frank nodded once, something that might have been a trace of a smile
gracing his mouth for one second before he stepped into the hallway. "Goodbye
Gerard."
And even though Frank's farewell felt much to final for Gerard to be
comfortable with, he found himself waving to the younger boy, resisting the
urge to chase after him and try and fix the injuries he had created, which was
something he didn't have the power to do even if he wanted to.
As Gerard watched Frank's retreating figure disappear down the titled corridor,
he allowed the veneer he had encased himself in to shatter now that Frank
wasn't there to witness his torment, the realization of what he had just done
finally settling in - he had broken up with Frank, and yes - it was necessary,
and he really should have done it as soon as he discovered Frank's age, but
fuck - it hurt so much more than Gerard had been expecting it to, even more
than learning that Frank had cheated on him last night had.
So although Mikey was most likely starting to worry about why Gerard was
staying at work so late, he didn't immediately head home - instead, he locked
the door once more before sinking down behind his large desk, curling his knees
up into his chest as he finally allowed himself to cry over the loss of the
best boyfriend he would most likely ever have, because no matter how positive
Gerard tried to be, he knew that there was no feasible way that Frank was going
to still want him when he was eighteen, and the fact that he would never be
privileged enough to call Frank his ever again was shredding him into a million
irreparable pieces, but Gerard had been the one to put it all in motion, so
this agony was his penance that he would accept without question.
 
***** Unexpected Affection Followed By Sweet Dreams *****
Frank hurried away from Gerard's classroom as quickly as his tired muscles
would let him, stubbornly ignoring the intense desire to rush back into
Gerard's arms and hold him for as long as possible. Frank wanted to beg Gerard
to tell him that his decision had been a mistake, that he didn't want to break
up anymore, but Frank knew that Gerard wasn't going to change his mind that
easily, so Frank had to get away before the fact that he and Gerard were no
longer together fully sunk in.
Frank knew he was going to regret his impromptu departure any second now,
especially since this was the first time since Monday that Gerard had been
willing to talk to him, but Frank couldn't stand to stay in Gerard's presence
right now, not with his words playing on an endless loop in his head that
seemed to get louder with each repetition, reminding him with every step he
took that Gerard had left him, that they were over, that the happiness he had
found with the other man had been nothing more than a fleeting thing.
And yes - Frank had heard Gerard say that if Frank still wanted him when he was
eighteen that they could try again, but it had seemed like an afterthought to
Gerard, an add on to give Frank a fake sense of solace. Frank wasn't sure if
Gerard was being serious about his promise or not, but even if he was, Frank
couldn't imagine Gerard staying single for two more months while he waited for
Frank's birthday to arrive.
Everything following Gerard's initial statement in which he told Frank that
they needed to break off their relationship was fuzzy and blurred, no matter
how hard Frank tried to recall Gerard's exact words. Frank's tears and
heartache had muddled up everything until he had reached the point where he
honestly wasn't sure what exactly had been said after that, his mind had shut
down in an effort to avoid the agony that rose up to take the place that Gerard
had once occupied.
Deciding not to torture himself with what had just happened for any longer,
Frank began to plan what to do now, because contrary to what he had told
Gerard, his mother wouldn't be home for another hour, and Frank didn't want her
to see him in this state anyway. She might not notice his emotional distress,
but if she did happen to comment on it, Frank knew he wouldn't be able to
handle any sort of inquiry that would come from her, not to mention she would
most likely tell him to brush it off or something else just as callous.
Frank couldn't go back to Pete's either - not yet anyway. Gerard may have given
him permission to sleep with other people, in fact, he wasn't even his
boyfriend anymore, but Frank was still overcome with guilt every time he
allowed his mind to wander back to what he and Pete had done last night, and
Frank didn't want to face his best friend who would instantly catch on to
Frank's distress, and unlike his mother, Pete wouldn't drop the subject until
Frank explained what was bothering him.
Frank was still debating his options as he scrambled aboard the late shuttle
seconds before the door closed, hurriedly taking an empty seat before burying
his head in his arms, wishing the ache in his temples would dissipate so he
could actually think without being distracted by the intermittent pulses of
pain.
Remembering his promise to Gerard, Frank pulled out his phone, sending him a
text that said he had caught bus and he was on his way home, immediately
turning the device off afterward so he wouldn't have to deal with the added
pressure of checking if Gerard had responded or not. As much as Frank did want
to keep in contact with the older man, he needed to get away from everything
right now before he lost his mind completely.
Frank had three options for an escape as far as he could tell; he could either
hide in his room and hope his mother left him be, which didn't sound very
appealing, he could return to his and Gerard's meadow and hope he found peace
there once more, which he highly doubted he would with their breakup still so
fresh and raw, or he could go see Brendon and Ryan at the bar.
Frank hadn't stopped into the pub lately, not since the night Gerard had
originally taken him to the forest clearing and ask him to be his. At first
Frank had just been too busy with other things to make time for it, and then he
hadn't wanted the friendly bartenders to see him in such a miserable state, but
now Frank could think of no one else to turn to, and even if he wasn't as close
to Brendon and Ryan as he was to Pete, they were no strangers to listening to
his dismal life, and Ryan did give excellent hugs that somehow always managed
to cheer Frank up slightly.
The bus creaked to a halt at its one stop which was luckily very close to the
bar Frank planned on visiting. Frank waited until everyone else had exited the
vehicle before grabbing his bag and making his way down the steep steps,
throwing his things onto a nearby bench so he could loosen his constricting tie
and unbutton his white shirt, stuffing the fabric into his backpack once it was
off, leaving him in a plain white t-shirt and jeans. Frank was aware that
Brendon most likely realized that he was in high school by now, but he didn't
want to risk getting the man into trouble by showing up at his establishment in
clothing that proclaimed he was under twenty-one, not that he planned on
drinking right now, but still - better safe than sorry.
Frank hesitated once the familiar sign came into view though, because as much
as he ached for someone to lend an ear to his woes, he felt guilty for
bothering Brendon and Ryan with what they would most likely view as trivial
problems. They were two of the nicest people he had ever met, but Frank
couldn't help but fear that they would soon begin to view him as a burden,
especially if he didn't at least purchase something to pay them back for their
wasted time.
Frank shoved away his insecurities the best that he could after standing
outside for over a minute, the odd looks he was getting from the few
pedestrians that passed him by making him decidedly uncomfortable, because even
if his musings proved to be correct, Frank wasn't going to abandon his only
source of comfort just yet. The simple act of deciding to come see Brendon and
Ryan had actually managed to dry up his tears for a short time, so hopefully
speaking with them would soothe his bleeding heart for a short while.
Frank winced slightly as the bell above the door chimed out once he had pushed
it open, the soft sound hurting his head more than it should have. Frank heaved
a sigh of relief after his quick scan of the bar showed it to be almost
entirely empty, which made sense since it was barely four in the afternoon.
Grateful that he wouldn't have an audience for his private conversation, Frank
made his way over to where Brendon was standing with his back turned to him.
"Hey Bren, you busy?" Frank asked in a raspy voice, his throat scratchy and raw
from choking back sobs for so long.
"Frank - long time no see," Brendon exclaimed happily, whipping around so
quickly he almost dropped the glass he was polishing in the process. "You know
I always have time to chat with my favorite customer." Brendon's face fell when
he got a better look at Frank, leaving Frank to wonder if he was wearing his
misery on his sleeve, it certainly felt like his sorrow was coating him
constantly lately, but he hadn't been aware it was so noticeable to anyone
else. "Are you okay?" Brendon whispered softly, the question only reminding
Frank of how Gerard had spoken those exact same words to him not an hour
before, leaving Frank quivering softly as he breathed deeply through his nose
in an attempt to keep his composure.
"I don't think so," Frank whimpered softly, moving so he could lean most of his
weight against the wooden bar when his legs began to shake along with the rest
of his body. "I fucked up with Gerard," Frank admitted, his muscles tensing up
in preparation for another round of tears, but Frank was so exhausted and
dehydrated that none appeared, although his eyes stung painfully.
"Oh honey." Brendon ducked under the wooden counter gracefully, reappearing at
Frank's side before wrapping his arms around his shoulders tightly. "Do you
want to come in the back room and talk about it? Ryan's in there, and that way
you can sit down on something more comfortable than a hard bar stool."
"Are you sure? I don't want to be a bother," Frank sniffled, lifting his head
slightly only to see Brendon staring down at him with a concerned expression
tinged through with sincerity.
"Of course you aren't," Brendon shushed Frank, forcibly pulling him to his feet
before helping him navigate over to a section of the building that Frank had
never been in before.
Frank let Brendon lead him without protest, even though a part of him was
mortified that he was allowing someone else to practically drag him around when
he should be able to walk on his own, but Frank was too worn out to bother with
maintaining his dignity for any longer.
"Ryan, we've got company," Brendon called out as they entered a small room
furnished with a comfortable looking couch, as well as a desk and a large
computer that Ryan was currently hunched over. Brendon sat down on the nearby
piece of furniture as his boyfriend flipped around, pulling Frank down with
him. Frank couldn't seem to convince his torso to remain upright, so he allowed
himself to curl up on his side, his head resting on Brendon's shoulder as he
continued to tremble weakly.
Frank hated this, he despised appearing so pathetic in front of anyone, of
being unable to control his anxiety, which was something he hadn't struggled
with for years before this, but losing Gerard had brought back the return of a
plethora of terrible things that Frank thought he had finally left in the past,
including a never ending storm of emotional turmoil that Frank was beginning to
fear that he would never navigate his way out of.
"What happened?" Ryan asked in a hushed tone of voice, gently shifting Frank's
legs so he could squeeze himself onto the cushions as well. Frank felt slightly
uncomfortable being surrounded by the two men, but Brendon and Ryan had always
been affectionate with him, and in a way, their closeness made him feel safe.
"Do you want to tell him Frank?" Brendon prodded when Frank remained silent,
and as much as Frank would really rather not, he wasn't going to turn up here
in such a state and refuse to explain himself, especially not after Brendon and
Ryan were being so kind to him.
"Well you remember Gerard right?" Frank began, waiting for Ryan's nod of
affirmation before continuing. Frank swallowed thickly as he tried to find his
tongue, but unlike with Pete where the words had spilled out of him like poison
leaking from an open wound, Frank found his throat closing up, and no matter
how hard he tried, all he could produce were soft whimpers.
"It's okay Frank, you can talk to us," Brendon smiled reassuringly, stroking
Frank's hair idly as he spoke, and although Frank was slightly thrown off by
the gesture, he allowed himself to lean into the touch gratefully.
"You are too sweet to me," Frank chuckled hoarsely, earning himself a grin from
Ryan as well.
"You are our friend Frank, we have known you for years now, so if you are
hurting, we want to help," Ryan responded, causing Frank's heart to swell
slightly when he realized he might not be as alone as he thought, even if his
only friends were Pete and a pair of bar owners who were probably older than
Gerard was.
"Thanks, that means a hell of a lot to me," Frank heaved out, bracing himself
to get back on track with the original point of his visit before Brendon had to
return back to the bar. "So - uh, Gerard and I were doing great, he actually
asked me to be his boyfriend the night I saw you last, but then...fuck - it
still doesn't seem real, but he's my teacher, and I'm not exactly at the age of
legal consent yet, which he didn't know until I saw him in class. He broke up
with me today, and he was really nice about it, he even said if I still wanted
him when I'm eighteen then he is willing to wait for me, but that's two months
away..." Frank trailed off for a moment, trying to find the correct terminology
that would convey how he felt like the world was ending all because of a man he
had meant four weeks ago, "I think I love him, and I don't know what to do
without him anymore."
"Oh my god that's so sad," Ryan gasped, and he did sound truly distraught over
Frank's predicament. "How much older than you is he?"
"Um...he's twenty-six, so that's a nine year gap," Frank mumbled guilty, the
discrepancy seeming so much worse once it was vocalized aloud.
"Well that isn't too bad, I'm six years older than Brendon," Ryan shrugged,
"and as long as you were both consenting, and he didn't do anything to take
advantage of you, I really don't see anything wrong with it."
"No - Gerard was wonderful to me, and I lied to him about my age, so he wasn't
aware of it until Monday." Frank wanted to make it abundantly clear that Gerard
wasn't at fault here, the blame for this situation laid entirely on Frank's
shoulders, but Ryan already seemed to understand that.
"Are you sure that you love him though?" Brendon questioned warily, his full
lower lip caught between his teeth when Frank craned his neck upward to look at
him. "I mean - it's not that I don't believe you, and I saw for myself how
happy you were when you talked about him the last time you were here, but
honestly - dating a teacher won't be easy, especially not in a smaller town
like this, and if it turns out to be simple infatuation, then you would have
put yourself at risk for nothing."
"Well it doesn't matter anymore since he's left me," Frank muttered sullenly,
giving himself a metaphorical pat on the back for being able to make it through
his sentence without crying, "but I think I do. From the moment I first saw him
I felt this instance connection with him, and I experienced all of those cheesy
things that I never used to believe in; the butterflies, the sparks, the urge
to always be around him. I've never met anyone like him before, and you of all
people know how many men I've gone home with, but none of them hold a candle to
his flame."
"That sounds like love to me," Ryan sighed dreamily, snaking his arm around
Frank's back so he could squeeze Brendon's shoulder gently. "I know most people
would tell you to forget about him, but I can sense just by looking at you that
you don't want to do that. Still - I think Gerard did the right thing here.
He's trying to protect you, and I think that alone proves that he cares about
you. He said he would wait for you too, and I know two months seems like a long
time, but it will fly by before you know it."
"I'm already such a mess though, I'm not even sure if I can make it another
day," Frank choked out, his eyes watering heavily as he blinked multiple times
in an attempt to dispel the tears that he had managed to avoid so far. "He
promised we could still talk over the phone, and he said he wasn't going to cut
me out of his life, but he didn't answer any of my calls this week,
and...and..."
"Here," Ryan leaned over, snagging a nearby water bottle before handing it to
Frank. Frank accepted it eagerly, chugging the cool liquid which alleviated his
parched throat as well as distracted him from the urge to start sobbing again.
"Thank you, and sorry - I don't know why I'm so unstable. I was pretty sure I
would have calmed down by now, but apparently that hasn't happened yet."
"He's totally in love," Ryan smirked proudly, as if he took great pleasure in
repeating the phrase as often as possible. "Brendon and I were just as
emotional screwed at first, but we also met in sort of a fucked up way."
"Oh yeah?" Frank perked up slightly, desperate to remove the attention from
himself for a moment, not to mention he was curious about how the two had
gotten together.
"Don't remind me," Brendon groaned, but Frank didn't miss the playful lilt to
his voice, and apparently neither did Ryan.
"I was his therapist," Ryan chuckled, scooting closer to Brendon as he spoke,
sandwiching Frank in-between the two of them even more than he already was,
"and I wasn't allowed to date my patients for two years after they stopped
seeing me, so believe me, I understand what you are going through."
"Whoa - wait a second, how did you go from being a therapist to running a bar?"
"I did it so I could be closer to Brendon, his dad owned this place, and when
he passed away, he gave it to Brendon. I only studied psychology since my
mother pushed me into it, and it was nice to help people, but it was never
really my passion, plus I can wear whatever I want here without getting odd
looks." Ryan gestured to his floral headband, and Frank did have to admit that
he had a point since he couldn't visualize a therapist with Ryan's odd fashion
sense.
"Wow," Frank breathed out, suddenly humbled by hearing about Brendon and Ryan's
struggles which were significantly worse than his own. "How did you make it so
long without going insane?"
"Well it wasn't love at first sight for us," Ryan smiled dreamily, "even though
I did find him attractive from the start."
"I hated him," Brendon piped up, shocking Frank with his admission, because he
honestly couldn't image Brendon ever looking at Ryan with anything other than
adoration, "but I was also being forced into therapy that I didn't think I
needed and Ryan was a pretentious asshole back then."
"I was not," Ryan huffed, crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt at
looking stern. "You were an arrogant punk though."
"I sort of was," Brendon shrugged in agreement, "but anyway, I was in a really
bad place when we met, and it took Ryan ages to get through to me. I didn't see
him for very long as an actual patient, but he kept tabs on me even after our
sessions had ended, and eventually I began to realize how much he meant to me.
Once I figured that out, we started to get a lot closer, and we may have
started unofficially dating a little before the two year mark, but for me, Ryan
was worth the wait, and I can tell Gerard is the same for you. I know our
situations aren't exact parallels since you had him and now you know what you
missing out on, but if I were you, I would be patient and see if he holds true
to his word. You can hang out with us as much as you want in the meantime."
"What if he was lying though, or he changes his mind?" Frank asked fearfully,
because that was what was truly eating away at him, and no matter how hard he
tried, he couldn't make himself believe that Gerard would truly be willing to
take him back on his eighteenth birthday.
"If he does then he is an idiot," Ryan scoffed loudly, actually succeeding in
making Frank giggle softly, "but no - in all seriousness, if you two are meant
to be together, then everything will work out in the end. I know that sounds
cheesy as fuck, but I have found that it's the truth. If you really love him,
and he loves you back, then you will make it through all of this drama, but if
not, then your feelings will fade and you will find someone even better."
"I don't want anyone else," Frank whispered, curling inward around his knees in
a way that alleviated some of the painful pressure that was threatening to
crush his heart.
"I know you don't honey," Brendon murmured soothingly. "Why don't you give him
a call tonight, and if he answers, it most likely means he is willing to keep
in contact with you like he promised, but if he doesn't - well..." Brendon
trailed off, shooting Ryan a concerned glance when Frank began shaking again.
"Brendon's right, just take things one day at a time. He'll pick up, I'd bet
good money on it," Ryan smiled, his confidence leaking into Frank, allowing him
to sit up on his own now that speaking with his friends had alleviated some of
the smothering emotions that had been dragging Frank down both mentally and
physically.
"Okay, I will," Frank agreed, trying his hardest not to get his hopes up,
because Gerard could very well decide that it was too soon to speak with Frank,
or he could be hurt about Frank's sudden withdrawal from his classroom earlier,
in fact - Frank could think of a thousand reasons why Gerard should ignore him,
but that didn't mean he wasn't going to keep trying, he most likely would have
ended up attempting to reach out to Gerard sooner rather than later even
without Brendon and Ryan's prodding, but their confidence in him made the task
that much easier to contemplate.
"Shit -" Brendon cursed, standing up abruptly when the bell over the door
chimed again. "I didn't mean to stay away from the bar for so long, but good
luck with everything Frank, and you better drop by again soon to tell me how it
goes."
"I will," Frank called out after Brendon's retreating figure, regaining his own
feet as well now that he had the space to do so. "I probably should be heading
home as well, but seriously, I owe you guys for cheering me up."
"Don't be silly," Ryan grinned, pulling Frank into one of his trademark hugs
before beginning to walk with him out into the front room. "We love you Frank."
"I love you too," Frank whispered breathlessly, still unused to having those
words being applied to him since Pete was the only one to ever utter them
aloud.
As Frank exited the pub, he managed to produce a genuine smile, because even if
Gerard didn't answer Frank's call for whatever reason, Frank had discovered
that he was cared for by two amazing people, and even if their affection didn't
fill him with the same sensations that Gerard's had provided him with, Frank
still felt warm bubbles of what could only be happiness fizzling around his
stomach as he waved goodbye to Brendon and Ryan.
~~~
Later that evening, Frank sat on his bed with his phone clutched tightly in his
palm, the skin of his knuckles turning white under the strain. Frank wasn't
sure if he should follow through on his plan to call Gerard - it was almost
midnight now; Frank had been kept occupied with trying to balance his mother's
checkbook after she had once again maxed out all of their credit cards, and
time had flown by without his knowledge.
Frank knew he would never be able to sleep if he didn't though, and every
second he wasted debating on if this was the right thing to do was lessening
his chances of Gerard still being awake, so he forced his thumb to hit dial,
having already pulled up Gerard's number over fifteen minutes ago during which
he had done nothing but stare at the screen blankly.
Frank curled into a ball as he pressed the phone to his ear, subconsciously
preparing himself for the agony he would most likely be assaulted with when
Gerard didn't pick up, but much to Frank's surprise, not to mention relief, he
heard a soft click after three rings, followed by a soft scuffling sound."
"Frankie?" Gerard's voice rang out warily, as if he was afraid that someone
else had gotten a hold of Frank's phone and was prank calling him or something
else just as ridiculous.
"Yeah - it's me, is this a bad time?"
"No, not at all. I was just getting ready for bed." Frank swore he could hear
Gerard's smile through the line, and his face mirrored that exact expression.
"Is everything alright?"
"Mhmm," Frank hummed happily, flipping over onto his back as he spoke. "I just
missed you, and I wanted to apologize for taking off so suddenly this
afternoon. It was just a lot for me to process all at once."
"I understand sugar," Gerard paused, and even though Frank had no idea what he
was doing, he imagined that Gerard was slipping underneath his own sheets at
that moment. "I - it was hard to do that, but I'm glad you aren't upset with
me."
"I should be the saying the same to you," Frank laughed wryly, because Gerard
seemed surprisingly unbothered by Frank's unfaithfulness, but maybe since they
were no longer together, it really wasn't an issue to him, and either way,
Frank wasn't going to bring it up and ruin the first normal conversation they
had partaken in since Sunday.
"I can't stay mad at you, believe me - I tried, but it's more of a hassle than
it's worth."
"Thank god," Frank exhaled loudly, unsure of what to say now that they had
established that there were no hard feelings between the two of them. "Do you
need to go?" Frank asked nervously, not wanting to keep Gerard from sleeping
just so they could talk.
"Probably, but I don't want to," Gerard replied coyly, causing Frank's lips to
stretch into such a wide grin that almost hurt. "Did I tell you about the stray
dog Mikey brought home yesterday?" Gerard asked.
"No I don't think you have," Frank replied, although he knew that Gerard was
aware of that, but if Gerard was willing to pretend like everything was normal,
then Frank was more than happy to play along.
Frank burrowed deeper under the covers as Gerard began detailing the entire
incident, making small noises of glee when Gerard painted a verbal picture of
the small beagle puppy that Mikey had somehow stumbled upon. Frank groaned
softly when Gerard mentioned that it was no longer staying with them anymore
since apparently their apartment manager had a vendetta against pets, forcing
Mikey to pass it off on his friend Ray who was less than thrilled about the new
addition. Frank would have loved to meet the small animal if Gerard would allow
him to come over for a visit again now that he knew that Frank was his student.
Frank yawned loudly once Gerard's story had ended, the sound escaping past his
lips without his consent. Frank didn't feel tired, but it had been another
emotionally draining day for him, and he knew that the exhaustion he had been
struggling with earlier was going to catch up with him at any moment.
"You should sleep, we've both have school in the morning," Gerard giggled
nervously, the topic still obviously an uncomfortable one for him, but at least
he wasn't avoiding it entirely like Frank had thought he would.
"I guess so," Frank grumbled petulantly, not wanting to end his time with
Gerard just yet, but he also didn't want to come off as too clingy so soon
after their breakup. "Gerard..." Frank spoke up when Gerard remained silent,
wanting to get one thing off of his chest before he lost the courage to do so.
"Yeah sugar?"
"I'm going to wait for you okay? I know you don't believe me, but I wouldn't
give you up for anything," Frank choked out, knowing that he had already voiced
this sentiment multiple times before, but he had to make sure that Gerard
believed him, and this was the first time he had been able to say it aloud
without tears breaking up his words.
"I want you to do that," Gerard breathed out, his sentence emerging so softly
that Frank could barely hear him. "I shouldn't be saying that, because I'm not
good for you, but fuck Frank - if you are serious, I'll be here, I swear on my
life."
"You're worth so much Gerard," Frank protested, ignoring that fact that Gerard
hated compliments almost as much as he detested lies.
"I just want you to be happy Frank, don't throw that away for me," Gerard
mumbled dejectedly, the desolation in his tone physically paining Frank as he
decided how to word his answer.
"And if you make me happy?" Frank asked hesitantly, unsure of how Gerard would
react to Frank's stubborn refusal to entertain a future without Gerard in it,
but if he was going to make it through the next two months, then he had to
convince Gerard that he was serious about this.
"Then you won't be able to get rid of me the second you turn eighteen."
"I can't wait," Frank exhaled happily, hugging his pillow close to his chest as
if it was a pale imitation of Gerard.
"Me either, but seriously, you need to go to bed," Gerard chastised Frank
fondly, "and so do I. I'm still not used to these early mornings."
"Okay, I'm going, and Gerard - thank you for picking up," Frank interjected
quickly.
"I said I would didn't I?" Gerard teased, but Frank didn't miss the slight hint
of hurt coloring his tone a deep aquamarine shade. Frank didn't comment on it
though, and honestly - if Gerard hadn't ignored him for the past three days,
Frank wouldn't have had any doubts about him answering his phone in the first
place.
"You did," Frank grinned, unable to stop smiling now that he knew Gerard was
going to keep his promise after all.
"Sweet dreams sugar," Gerard whispered lowly, the affection lacing his words
filling Frank with conflicting sensations composed of love and longing,
although he wasn't anywhere near ready to admit how deeply he cared for Gerard
aloud, not while they stood on such shaky ground.
"Sweet dreams," Frank repeated softly, forcing himself to end the call after a
few moments of dead air had passed.
Frank's muscles unwound as soon as he placed his phone on the nearby charger,
tension that he hadn't been aware he was carrying melting away now that he and
Gerard had made some form of contact that didn't involve sobbing and
heartbreak. Frank knew they still had a long way to go, and he would be foolish
to think that each one of their interactions were going to be so smooth, but it
was a start, and not only that, it was proof that maybe they could remain
friends until Frank's birthday, which wasn't a perfect solution, but Frank
would definitely take that over radio silence.
And for the first time in what had only been days but what felt like years,
Frank slipped into a deep slumber easily with no tear tracks staining his
cheeks, instead, he carried the remnants of a smile, his lips twitching upward
even after his lids had closed and his breathing had evened out.
***** Pretending Versus Reality *****
Using a supreme effort of will that he didn't know he possessed, Frank managed
to bury his emotional distress deep inside himself until it reached the point
of being manageable. It wasn't like he had any other choice; life wasn't going
to pause itself to give Frank time to mourn the loss of his and Gerard's
relationship after all. With the ending of his first week at school, Frank also
had to return to work, not to mention his assignments were beginning to roll
in, leaving Frank with no choice but to pretend that everything was fine, even
if it was anything but.
The additions of his night shifts coupled with schoolwork actually helped Frank
more than he thought. He had assumed the stress would break him, but it gave
him something else to focus on besides how much he missed Gerard. Frank even
offered to cover extra hours whenever his boss needed it, working himself
ragged before going home and pouring over his textbooks until his eyes were
dropping with exhaustion.
It was the days where he had nothing to occupy himself with where Frank found
himself choking back tears and reminiscing over happier times, usually either
ending with him crying into his pillow, calling Gerard, or retreating to
Brendon and Ryan's bar to drink himself senseless. Tonight he had chosen the
latter option, even though it was a Sunday night, and he was going to regret
his decision in the morning, but with all his homework finished and Pete unable
to spend time with him since he had school in the morning, Frank had to find
something to do since sleep didn't come easily to him anymore.
Frank hadn't felt the same sense of relief with his best friend as he once did
lately, and although he still enjoyed Pete's company, it also served as a
reminder of his betrayal of Gerard. Frank refrained from sleeping with Pete
after that night, even if he now had free reign since he and Gerard were
officially broken up, but it still felt wrong to Frank, and luckily Pete didn't
attempt to initiate anything between them either.
So in all honesty, he was much happier whittling his evening away with Brendon
and Ryan. His connection to them had strengthened immensely since they had
consoled him after Gerard had ended things, and the fact that they supplied him
with drinks was an added bonus.
Frank might have consumed a bit too much liquor tonight in retrospect; he could
usually handle his alcohol decently well, but his head was currently spinning
and everything was bright and fuzzy. Frank felt good though - better than he
had in weeks, or however long it had been since he had discovered Gerard was
his teacher.
Frank's concept of time had been eradicated lately; his world was now an
endless slew of days that passed by in a thick fog punctuated by the few times
he saw Gerard, either that or their phone calls. Gerard had held true to his
word and made an effort to stay in contact with him, but even on the few rare
occasions in which Gerard would agree to allow Frank to come over for a short
while, it just wasn't the same.
Of course Frank still jumped at the chance to see Gerard in person, having him
in front of him made their late night conversations seem paltry and
insubstantial in comparison, but still - it hurt that he wasn't able to touch
Gerard, because he wanted to so fucking badly. He ached to hold his hand, to
feel his lips grazing his skin once more, but Gerard stubbornly refused to
instigate any contact between them minus a brief hug every now and again. The
lack of contact filled Frank with sadness, ruining the brief moments during
which he was supposed to be happy.
It was a small consolation that Gerard seemed just as distressed by where they
stood now, although Frank hated it when Gerard was upset in any way or form,
but at the same time, it let him know that he wasn't alone in his struggles. He
didn't miss the way Gerard would physically have to force himself to sit
further away from Frank than he would like, or his occasional use of pet names
which seemed to slip out more often than not, which were all obvious signs that
Gerard still cared for Frank, but it didn't make the heaviness in his heart any
easier to bear.
Frank hadn't allowed himself to think about the future too thoroughly, but deep
down, he was terrified that the bond that had sprung into life between them
since the moment they had met was irrevocably damaged, and even once Frank
turned eighteen, things wouldn't go back to the way they used to be. There was
history between them now, bruised feelings and betrayals that wouldn't
magically disappear when Frank was of legal age, but Frank would take any sort
of relationship he could get with Gerard at this point, and maybe time would
heal the rifts that stood between them.
Frank was more worried about Gerard than himself, mostly because Gerard had
changed, or maybe he was no longer letting Frank see the real him like he had
in the past. Their interactions didn't carry the sense of ease and safety that
Frank had once felt whenever he was near Gerard, and Frank despised it. He
wished Gerard would let him in again, to allow him to crawl inside the secret
spaces Gerard was so protective of, but his access was temporarily barred now,
and Frank could do nothing but wait until he was granted permission to enter.
Gerard pretended he was fine though, but Frank could see through his lies. He
constantly appeared exhausted, especially at school, and the dark bags under
his eyes coupled with the lingering hint of alcohol on his breath had Frank
fearful for Gerard's wellbeing.
Frank was aware of how hypocritical he sounded, especially given his current
situation, but he couldn't help himself. Gerard was the sort of person who
would allow himself to fall apart without ever once asking for a helping hand,
and now Frank was no longer there to support him in any way he could, so Frank
was terrified of what would happen if he wasn't able to find a way to be there
for Gerard without being his boyfriend.
Frank had turned to Mikey recently, not wanting to drive Gerard away be
inquiring over how he was doing, so hoping that his brother could provide that
information instead, and Mikey had assured him that even though Gerard was
miserable and drinking more than he probably should, he didn't seem to be
hurting himself, and he hadn't resorted to drugs either, which had been Frank's
main concern.
Frank kept his correspondences with Mikey to a minimum, not wanting Gerard to
find out that he was receiving updates about him through his brother. Frank had
a feeling that Gerard wouldn't see it as the caring gesture that it was,
instead he would most likely view it as another breach of his trust, and Frank
couldn't risk placing another wedge between them, no matter how badly he wanted
to text Mikey every minute of every day asking about Gerard.
Gerard was strong though, at least Frank hoped he was, and if Frank could make
it through this separation, then so could he, not to mention the fact that
Frank was convinced that he was the one who needed Gerard the most, not the
other way around, and it was his stubbornness that had convinced Gerard to wait
for him.
Frank was still surprised that Gerard had even offered to take Frank back in
the first place, because why should he risk everything for Frank when there
were much better guys out there for him? Frank wasn't going to bring up that
point though, that would be idiotic of him, and for some reason, Gerard seemed
to see something in Frank that made him want to keep him around, so Frank
wasn't going to try to change his mind.
Frank sipped on his coke idly as his mind spun in circles, having been cut off
by Brendon after his last drink, but he wasn't quite ready to go home just yet,
so plain soda would have to do while he waited until he was sure that he could
walk back to his place without collapsing in the street.
Frank stiffened suddenly when he felt a hand being placed on his shoulder,
knowing that it wasn't Brendon or Ryan since they were both busy working the
bar in front of him. It was most likely one of Frank's regular hookups looking
to see if Frank was willing to go back to their place with them for the night,
but Frank's neck didn't seem to want to function properly, so he couldn't turn
to get a good look at them.
"I'm not interested," Frank mumbled, trying to force his voice to emit in a
clear fashion even though his words still sounded slurred and lazy despite his
best efforts.
"Frank - it's me," the man huffed, gently spinning Frank around on his stool
until Mikey's thin face filled his blurry vision. "How much have you had to
drink?" Mikey questioned, his brow furrowing as Frank's lips split into a goofy
grin now that he had recognized his friend.
"Hey...sorry, thought you were someone else," Frank tried to explain, his smile
only widening when Brendon wandered within earshot. "Look Bren - it's Mikey,"
Frank exclaimed excitedly, even though Brendon had obviously already taken
notice of him.
"It is," Brendon chuckled softly, angling his body in Mikey's direction as he
leaned over the bar, apparently in an attempt to have a private conversation
with the other man, but Frank still heard it given the fact that Brendon had to
speak up to be understood over the music.
"You are Gerard's brother right?" Frank flinched at the mention of Gerard's
name, still unused to having it be spoken aloud unless he was the one doing it,
missing Mikey's nod of affirmation entirely. "Do you think you could make sure
he gets home okay? I was going to take him once we close up, but that isn't for
a few more hours."
"Yeah of course," Mikey instantly agreed, ignoring Frank's pout of protest in
favor of continuing his conversation with Brendon.
"But we don't have to leave now," Frank spoke up, not wanting to be forced out
of his one place of safety just yet, "you just got here? Don't you want to
order something?" Frank bargained desperately.
"I shouldn't be spending my cash anyway, I was just looking for something to
do, and babysitting you works just as well as getting drunk."
"I don't need looking after - I'm fine," Frank whined, his eyes watering
slightly when Mikey's expression took on a stubborn cast. "Please...I don't
want to leave just yet."
"Well...I guess I can take you back to my place for a bit, Gerard's asleep
though," Mikey sighed, his tone filled with a hint of a pity that would usually
have Frank on edge, but right now it didn't bother him at all as long as he
didn't have to be alone.
Because that was the problem here, it wasn't Frank's house necessarily,
although it wasn't a place that he enjoyed frequenting, but it was the fact
that he would be left to himself with nothing between him and the sorrow he was
struggling to keep at bay that terrified him. Frank was so tired of crying, of
breaking down and sobbing as quietly as he could so he wouldn't wake his
mother, and that was what his evening would hold for him if he didn't take
Mikey up on his offer.
"Sounds good," Frank tried to nod in agreement, but the simple action almost
had him toppling from his perch when the world suddenly tilted alarmingly, only
Mikey's outstretched arm stopping his downward motion.
"Be careful Frank," Brendon called out while Mikey helped him stand shakily.
Any quick movements seemed to throw off Frank's internal balance, but once he
regained his feet, he managed to take a few steps without any support from
Mikey.
"I will, and I'm sorry I got so drunk, I forgot to eat before, but I'm okay,"
Frank babbled quickly, wanting to erase the lines of concern that were creasing
the corner of Brendon's eyes.
"I'll make sure he's safe," Mikey assured Brendon, waving to the bar owner
before steadily ushering Frank outside into the cooler air. The summer heat had
finally relinquished its hold on New Jersey, and the chilly atmosphere helped
clear Frank's head a bit, although moving from his stationary position had his
stomach protesting angrily.
"Fuck," Frank muttered to himself after they had made it about a block. His
stomach was cramping constantly by this point, and he could no longer resist
the urge to vomit, even if the last thing he wanted to do was showcase his
current weakness in front of Gerard's younger brother.
Mikey kept him from falling over as he got sick in the entryway to a small
alley, the expulsion doing nothing to alleviate his drunken state in any way,
in fact, Frank felt even more inebriated by the time his insides had finished
their revolt, but his nausea had subsided at least.
"We've come full circle huh?" Mikey remarked casually while slinging his arm
around Frank's waist, supporting most of his weight while Frank did his best
not to trip over anything.
"Yeah I guess we are even now," Frank chuckled hoarsely, remembering how his
decision to take Mikey home all those weeks ago had turned into what was
debatably the best and worst thing he'd ever done.
"You're doing better at walking than I was at least," Mikey grinned, and Frank
couldn't help but smile back, even if his insides were burning and he thought
he might pass out at any moment, he was on his way back to Gerard's place,
which was more of a home for him than the house he had lived in his entire
life.
They didn't speak much after that; Frank was too busy trying not to throw up
again and Mikey was otherwise occupied with guiding them, but eventually, they
made it to Mikey's apartment without incident, although Frank didn't think he
was going to be able to make it up steep set of stairs leading to their floor.
Frank got sick again once they were inside, thankfully making it to the sink
before losing the contents of his stomach. Once it seemed that he was empty,
Mikey threw together a makeshift bed for him on the couch with consisted of a
spare pillow and blanket that he had pulled out of their linen closet, although
by then Frank was so out of it he was certain that he could have slept
comfortably on the floor.
Mikey retreated to his own room after Frank was settled, reminding Frank to
wake him if he needed anything, but Frank was already borderline unconscious,
so he wasn't able to formulate a coherent reply before his eyes fell shut and
he was dozing off despite the way the room continued to spin even once his
vision turned black.
~~~
Frank awoke at some indeterminate hour of the early morning, his body moving
before his mind had even processed the fact that he was conscious, and by the
time Frank was aware of his surroundings, he found himself kneeling on the
rough tile in the bathroom, his throat burning and his stomach churning as he
threw up the rest of the liquor that he hadn't expelled earlier.
Frank didn't try to fight the waves of sickness, knowing he needed to empty his
stomach before he would start to feel better. His eyes watered heavily as he
heaved over and over again, his hands gripping the cool porcelain rim in front
of him in order to keep himself balanced.
Frank faintly heard the door behind him creak open, followed by a soft pair of
footsteps before a gentle hand was placed on the small of his back. Frank
didn't have to look up to know it was Gerard, he could already tell by the
careful touch and the fact that he suddenly felt more at peace than he had in
ages.
Frank waited for his mind to bring up he bitter reminder that they were broken
up, but for some reason, that didn't seem to matter right now. Frank wasn't
even concerned with how he looked, or that he was currently puking up his
stomach contents, because Gerard was here, stroking his hair back from his face
gently while murmuring soothing words in Frank's ear, and just for a little
while, everything was okay again.
When Frank's gagging finally ceased, Gerard pulled Frank flush against his
chest, setting him securely in his lap so Frank was no longer crouching on the
uncomfortable floor. Frank's muscles instantly relaxed as Gerard's familiar
scent surrounded him, and before he could stop himself, he was nuzzling into
Gerard's hold, inhaling deeply in satisfaction, and much to his surprise,
Gerard allowed his display of affection.
"You okay now?" Gerard murmured lowly, his hands idly stroking over Frank's
ribs in a delicate fashion.
"Think so," Frank groaned, "I'm sorry if I woke you up."
"You didn't, I just couldn't sleep, and finding you here was a nice surprise.
I'm assuming Mikey picked you up while he was out?" Gerard asked, not seeming
at all bothered by Frank's random appearance even though he typically dictated
when Frank was allowed over at his place.
"Yeah, he stopped by the bar," Frank answered sleepily, his eyes drifting shut
without his consent now that his insides were beginning to calm themselves.
"Got a bit more messed up than I meant to so he offered to let me sleep here."
Gerard simply hummed in reply, rocking Frank's curled up frame from side to
side in a comforting manner.
"I wish you wouldn't drink so much," Gerard spoke up after a minute of nothing
but their synchronized breathing, but his tone wasn't condescending at all, it
was more wistful than anything else.
"I could say the same to you," Frank retorted thickly, pushing away the
exhaustion that was threatening to overwhelm him in favor of enjoying this
moment for as long as possible. "I can smell it on you in class sometimes."
"I know I'm being hypocritical," Gerard chuckled roughly, "but it's the only
way I can make it through the day half of the time, and I don't want you to end
up like me."
"It helps me forget," Frank admitted softly, his eyes welling up slightly at
the reminder of everything he was trying to escape from. "You're right though -
I should slow down, but I'm not making any promises."
"Maybe just try...for me?" Gerard asked carefully, the concern in his tone
arrowing directly into Frank's heart like a precisely aimed bullet.
"Yeah...okay, I'll do my best," Frank sniffled subtly, a sudden rush of
emotions washing over him, but he was able to hide his distress before Gerard
noticed that anything was wrong.
"Come on sugar, let's get you back on the couch." Frank whimpered slightly,
maybe because of the pet name, maybe because he wasn't ready to move just yet,
and unfortunately, Gerard caught onto the small sound.
"I'm sorry - is it still okay if I call you that sometimes? I don't mean to,
but it's sort of a habit now," Gerard stammered nervously as he slowly stood
up, helping Frank to his feet as soon as he was upright.
"No - I like it...really, it's just bittersweet you know?" Frank choked out,
tottering over to the sink so he could wash his mouth before allowing Gerard to
lead him back into the living room, an uncomfortable silence settling down
around them as Frank wracked his brain, trying to think of a way to get Gerard
to stay with him for a bit longer, but in the end, he settled on blunt honesty.
"Can you sit with until I fall asleep? You can say no, it's fine if you can't,
I mean - I know you have to get up early and all."
"Of course Frank, I don't want to leave you alone until I'm sure you aren't
going to be sick again anyway," Gerard beamed, his smile somehow lighting up
the dark room better than any lamp ever could.
"Thank you," Frank exhaled gratefully, burrowing back under the blanket Mikey
had left for him while Gerard positioned himself near Frank's head, allowing
him to lay over his legs while he carded his fingers through Frank's hair
instinctually.
Frank didn't want to say anything else, because this amount of affection was a
rarity that he had been starving for over the past few weeks, and he knew words
would only shatter the moment, but Frank's mouth had other ideas, and his
sentence had hit the open air before he even realized he had spoken.
"We're halfway there, do you think we are going to make it?" Frank questioned
tentatively, because unless he was mistaken, it had been almost a month since
their break up, meaning it would be October soon, and his birthday not longer
after that. His body tensed up as he waited to see how Gerard would react to
his query, and for a moment, it seemed like his heart ceased to beat as well.
"I hope so," Gerard whispered, sincerity leeching from his every pore. "I want
to be with you more than anything, and you are still coming around, so that has
to be a good sign." Gerard ended his statement with a laugh that sounded
borderline painful, inspiring Frank to wrap his arms around Gerard's waist the
best that he could while in his prone position.
"I want that too - so fucking much. I haven't been with anyone else since the
time I told you about, and even though waiting is one of the hardest things
I've ever had to do, I know it will be worth it in the end."
"That's good, but you can if you want - sleep with other people that is. I
don't want you jumping into this and then regretting it later on...losing you
for a second time might kill me," Gerard attempted to keep his tone light, but
Frank saw straight through his paltry attempt at deception.
"I know, but I only want you okay - when are you going to get that through your
thick head?" Frank tried to chuckle, but it transformed into a yawn about
halfway through, his jaw popping sharply as he nuzzled closer to Gerard's warm
body.
"Shut up and go to sleep, I don't want you dozing off in class tomorrow,"
Gerard grinned, attempting to make a joke out of their fucked up situation, and
it actually seemed to work. Frank was getting used to the fact that Gerard was
now his teacher, and although it was still not ideal, it didn't bother Frank as
much as it should.
"No promises," Frank murmured groggily, but if Gerard ever said anything in
response, it was lost on Frank as he slipped into slumber with an ease that
only appeared when Gerard was present.
~~~
When Frank woke up for the second time, he was shocked to find himself in
Gerard's room instead of on the couch, not to mention the fact that the older
man was pressed against his side, his breath tickling the back of Frank's neck
with each exhalation.
Frank froze in place, not daring to move a muscle in case this was a wonderful
dream, but no - it was real, Gerard must have moved him sometime in the night,
and Frank hadn't realized how much he had missed the simple act of sleeping in
the same bed with the older man until just now.
Gerard's limbs were wrapped around him tightly, trapping Frank against his
chest in a warm embrace, just like they always did when Frank used to stay the
night with Gerard, and although Frank knew he should try to free himself so he
could get home before his mother woke up, he didn't really give a shit about
that right now, and it would take nothing short of a disaster to convince him
to get up.
Frank hummed softly to himself on contentment, threading his fingers through
Gerard's lightly while he still had the opportunity. Frank was overcome with a
sudden rush of love for not only Gerard, but also this entire snapshot in time.
Everything about this moment was so calming, so domestic, and Frank found
himself wondering what it would be like to wake up to this exact scene every
morning.
Much too soon for Frank's liking, but what was probably a good half hour later,
the alarm on Gerard's phone began to go off, shattering the peaceful quiet
within the course of a few harsh beeps. Gerard shifted slightly, moving on what
seemed to be autopilot before his hand landed on the device which he placed on
snooze. Instead of getting up afterward like Frank thought he would, he simply
burrowed back into the blankets, mumbling something incoherent under his breath
as Frank tried to stifle a giggle caused by Gerard's adorable nature.
As tempted as Frank was to follow Gerard's lead and sleep the rest of the
morning away, he knew he was going to have to be the responsible one here if
either of them wanted to make it to school on time, but before Frank could
convince himself to disturb Gerard, Mikey beat him to it by pounding on the
door loudly, the sound startling Frank so much he almost toppled off the edge
of the mattress.
"Gerard - wake the fuck up, you have to be at work in twenty minutes," Mikey
groaned, rapping his knuckles against the wood sharply one last time before his
retreating footsteps faded away.
"But 'm sleepy," Gerard called out thickly, groaning under his breath as he
threw the blankets off the both of them, and it was only then that he seemed to
remember that he had another occupant in his bed if the look of surprise on his
face meant anything at all.
"Good morning," Frank grinned, his lips stretching wider when Gerard returned
his gesture with a smile of his own.
"Hey sugar," Gerard beamed, rubbing one eye idly as he began looking around for
something to wear.
"So did I sleepwalk in here or..." Frank chuckled nervously, trying his best to
smooth the numerous wrinkles out of his shirt with little success, his mouth
running on his own to banish the uncomfortable aura that Frank felt lurking at
the edges of his consciousness.
"Nah - you kept twisting and turning all night, and I was afraid that you were
going to fall off of the couch, so I moved you in here," Gerard shrugged
nonchalantly, even though his caring gesture warmed Frank immensely, and Frank
was positive that Gerard was aware of that as well.
"Thanks...I didn't even notice," Frank chuckled softly, keeping his back turned
as Gerard changed out of his pajamas, even though the temptation to turn around
and sneak a quick peek was almost irresistible.
"It was no big deal, I couldn't really relax until I knew you were safe, so
bringing you in here seemed like the best thing to do for everyone." Gerard
brushed off Frank's gratitude easily, throwing on a blazer that had seen better
days over his light gray button-up shirt. "Do you need to head home first,
because if not, I can drive you if you want. I'll have to drop you off at the
corner or something, but at least that way you won't be late."
"I think I have a spare uniform shirt in my bag," Frank answered quickly,
because even though the right thing to do would be to go check up on his mother
before school, it wasn't like this was the first time he had spent the night
away from her, and she could always call him if she needed him, which she
hadn't done yet, not to mention that Frank wanted to wring out every second he
could get with Gerard, so he definitely wasn't going to turn down his offer
even though it would be safer for the both of them if he did.
~~~
Frank could barely wait until school let out to call Pete with good news for
once, the desire to share his evening with Gerard bubbling away inside of him
as he prayed for the clock to move faster so he could finally contact his
friend.
Frank would have liked to actually stop by Pete's place and tell him what had
occurred in person, but he had to work tonight unfortunately, and he wouldn't
have time to fit in a visit since he had to head home first to make dinner for
his mother.
His mother had been doing a bit better, even though her spending had taken
another irresponsible downturn, but she hasn't suffered through any episodes in
which she mistook Frank for someone else lately, so he was counting that as
improvement, and he didn't want to risk damaging her progress by disappearing
for an entire day without any explanation.
Frank pulled his phone out as soon as his bus creaked to a halt at his stop,
dialing Pete's number eagerly as the excitement in his veins thrummed under his
skin. Frank was aware that he might be looking too deeply into what had
happened last night, and Gerard most likely had been experiencing a momentary
lapse in judgment, but Frank was still counting it as a victory in his book,
and he wanted someone else to share in his joy.
Frank barely gave Pete the chance to say hello before he launched into a spiel
involving the minute details of his evening, slowing his pace so he wouldn't
arrive home before his story had finished. Pete listened without interruption
as Frank gushed about how Gerard had consoled him while he had been ill,
quickly moving on to how he had stayed with him while he slept and even moved
him into his room so he would be more comfortable.
"And when I woke up - he was fucking cuddling with me, not to mention he drove
me to school afterward." Frank finally finished his narrative, taking a moment
to catch his breath once he had run out of words for the time being.
"That's awesome Frank, I'm happy he was so nice to you," Pete responded, and
although his tone sounded a bit stiff and forced, Frank thought nothing of it.
"Thank you, and I know it isn't really that big of a deal, but lately he has
been so distant, even when we do spend together, so it was a reassurance of
sorts that he hasn't stopped caring for me, and I really fucking needed that."
"I'm sort of surprised you are still so hung up on him," Pete remarked
casually, startling Frank with his statement since Pete had been nothing but
supportive of their relationship so far, and Frank hadn't been expecting such a
negative reaction from him.
"Why do you say that?" Frank huffed, irritation bleeding through his previous
happy mood now that Pete wasn't as ecstatic for him as Frank had hoped. "I told
you I was falling in love with him, you didn't think that would change in the
course of a few weeks did you?"
"No - not really," Pete hedged nervously, and Frank could almost see him
shifting back and forth in agitation as he spoke. "I mean - I guess I thought
you would realize that being with him is more trouble than it is worth, and
even if he does wait for you to turn eighteen, it's not like all of your
problems are going to suddenly go away, and the last thing you need right now
is any more stress."
"What the hell Pete?" Frank sputtered, his internal equilibrium reeling now
that Pete no longer seemed to be on his side. "Gerard is the only thing keeping
me sane...I thought you knew that?"
"Well - I mean..." Pete paused for a moment, and Frank could hear him sucking
in a deep breath through the line, "it sounds like you just want affection from
another person, and I get that you want it to come from Gerard, but I honestly
think you would be happier with somebody else," Pete ended on practically a
whisper, and even though Frank wanted to curse him out and tell him how wrong
he was, he forced himself to calm down before he did something he would regret.
"I know our situation isn't ideal, and forgetting about him might seem like the
easier option, but Gerard means the world to me okay...I'm not giving up on
him, and I thought you of all people understood that," Frank hissed, harsh
tears stinging at his eyes when he realized that not even his best friend
believed that he and Gerard could one day achieve happiness.
"I'm not trying to make you upset Frank, and if you want me to, I'll shut up
right now, but if I'm being honest, I think it's unhealthy how much you rely on
Gerard, not to mention the effect he has on you. You've changed so much since
you met him, and I - I'm worried about you Frank," Pete admitted guilty, and
although Frank was aware that it had taken Pete a great amount of courage to
voice his thoughts aloud, it didn't stop Frank's vision from flickering in and
out as he fought back the fury that his sentiment invoked.
"Whatever Pete - forget I even called you okay?" Frank snapped, wanting to end
this conversation that had taken a very upsetting turn as soon as possible,
"but for the record, I don't give a shit what you or anyone else thinks about
Gerard, and he may not be perfect, but he is in my eyes, and that's all that
matters."
"Frank - please don't do this," Pete begged, his desperation bleeding through
the phone line so heavily that Frank managed to swallow his anger and hear him
out. "I only want you to be happy, and if Gerard does that, then I have no
problem with him, but I think that you could find that same sense of security
and love in someone closer to your own age."
"Oh yeah - like who?" Frank scoffed, missing out on Pete's obvious hint
entirely since he was still trying to reel in his temper, so he was completely
caught off guard by Pete's next statement.
"Like me..."
"Oh," Frank gasped, his head spinning due to the whirlwind Pete had invoked
within it composed of confusion and shock as he realized what his best friend
was implying.
"I mean - it's whatever, I just thought it would work you know? I already love
you, and it's not like we've never gotten physical before. I could be there for
you in ways that Gerard never could, it just seems like a good solution..."
Pete rambled awkwardly while Frank struggled to gather his scattered thoughts,
his mind torn into shreds due to Pete's unexpected bombshell.
"Pete," Frank finally managed to force himself to speak, needing to stop his
friend before he dug an even deeper hole for himself. "You know I love you too,
but we are just friends okay? It's not that I don't care about you, but it's
different with Gerard. I mean - fuck, I can see myself marrying him one day if
we ever reached that point, I can't even imagine my life without him, and yes -
I need you too, but it's not in the same way."
"Yeah - of course," Pete choked out, sounding much more upset than Frank had
expected, but he didn't know what else to say to heal his friend's wounded
emotions. "It's no big deal, just a suggestion - um...I've got to go, my mom's
calling me," Pete stuttered awkwardly, ending the call before Frank had the
chance to say anything else.
Frank stared down at his phone screen blankly, debating on if he should call
his best friend back and try to smooth things over between them, but a part of
him knew that it would be a pointless effort right now. Frank had vaguely been
aware that Pete had cared for him a bit more than he had let on, but he had
always buried that knowledge away instead of facing it head on, knowing that
bringing it into the light would do nothing but damage the strong bond they had
maintained for years.
But now Pete had finally voiced his affections aloud - or had he? Frank could
simply be thinking too deeply into this, and Pete hadn't exactly said he wanted
to be with Frank, just that he was willing to try if Frank wanted to. Pete had
always been oddly protective over Frank, so maybe he had offered to be his
boyfriend simply to save Frank from getting hurt again.
Pete had sounded so hurt at Frank's rejection though, but Frank didn't want to
accept the fact that Pete was genuinely in love with him, it was too much for
him to handle right now, so he would rather pretend that Pete had simply
thought that he was doing Frank a favor, it was a much better conclusion than
the other option in which Pete truly desired to be Frank's boyfriend.
Whatever the case was, Frank didn't want to ponder it any longer. He would talk
to Pete tomorrow after he had calmed down, but for now, Frank wanted to try and
salvage the remainders of his good mood that had been torn to shreds by Pete's
reluctance to see Gerard in the same light Frank did.
And yes - Pete might be right in some aspects, but Pete didn't know Gerard, he
didn't see the way he had taken care of Frank last night, or the soft sheen in
his eyes whenever Frank would catch him staring at him. Pete might have Frank's
best interests at heart, but Frank knew without a doubt that Gerard was what
Frank needed right now, and hopefully with time, Pete would figure that out as
well.
***** Mend And Break *****
Frank didn't call Pete the next day, or the one after that, and before he even
realized it, more than two weeks had passed him by without any contact between
him and his best friend.
Frank didn't mean to ignore Pete for so long, and technically he wasn't given
the fact that he hadn't reached out to him either, but still - Frank missed
him, and no matter how furious his previous comments about Gerard had made him,
Frank didn't want to throw fourteen years of friendship away over a petty
fight, so he knew he had to fix this, he just wasn't sure how.
Life without Pete there as a constant pillar of support had quickly taken its
toll on Frank, especially since his mother had experienced another episode
during which she had mistaken Frank for his father, and without Pete's home to
escape to, Frank had been left with nowhere to go.
Eventually he had made his way down to the restaurant he worked at and begged
to pick up an extra shift, which they had allowed since Billie Joe had called
in. Frank stayed until closing time, making his way to Brendon's pub after
that, and thankfully the kind bar owner allowed him to crash on the couch in
the back room for the night, which Frank was very grateful for, but it wasn't
the same as spending the evening with Pete who always knew how to cheer him up
after one of his mother's fits.
Frank had been tempted to reach out to Gerard instead of Brendon and Ryan, but
he quickly rejected that idea, because Gerard still knew nothing of his
mother's oddities, and Frank didn't want to burden the older man with his
problems any more than he already had.
Gerard had been different as well since the night he had taken care of Frank
and they had woken up in the same bed - not necessarily in a bad way, but it
seemed as if he was constantly torn between regretting how affectionate he had
been coupled with random bouts of time during which it appeared that he wanted
to recreate the moments they had shared the other evening.
He had called Frank a few days after that, his intoxication made obvious by his
slurred words and overly happy tone, erasing the burst of joy that had
initially ensued when Frank saw that Gerard was actually reaching out to him
for once, because as ecstatic as Frank was to hear from Gerard, he wished he
felt the urge to do sober, that way Frank would know that Gerard truly wanted
to speak with him without the influence of alcohol clouding his brain.
Frank had agreed to come over of course when Gerard asked it of him, because he
would never turn down that offer regardless of Gerard's current state, but when
he arrived at Gerard's apartment, the other man had apologized profusely for
dragging him out so late, stating that he had made a mistake and Frank should
just go home. When Frank refused, Gerard had become sullen and silent,
eventually falling asleep on the couch and leaving Frank to walk home alone,
confusion and hurt festering inside of him when he contemplated the distance
that had appeared between them which Frank had hoped he would never have to
experience again.
Frank had been dreading school the following morning, not wanting to be trapped
in a classroom with Gerard for any period of time, but much to his surprise,
once the final bell had released the students from classes, Gerard had asked
him to stay behind under the pretense of helping him with his homework, and
even though they did focus on the confusing topic of different clefts mostly,
Gerard had been uncharacteristically touchy for the entire session, using any
excuse to brush his hand against Frank's, leaning into his side when Frank was
stuck on a particularly hard question, even wrapping his arms around Frank in a
tight embrace that lasted much longer than they typically did when he had to
leave.
Frank had been even more thrown off then, not that he didn't enjoy the
unexpected bouts of tender gestures - he lived for those instances in fact, but
the random switches between the two were mind boggling and slightly startling.
Frank was already constantly in fear of where he stood with Gerard at the
moment, and now with these contrasting signals being sent his way, it was
making everything worse instead of better like he had assumed it would.
It was too much all at once, Frank was exhausted and overworked and lonely, and
he didn't have the motivation or the energy to fix everything that had gone
wrong with his life, choosing to simply tread water instead of attempting to
head for shore like he knew he would have to eventually before he could swim no
longer and the ocean dragged him under.
He found himself pulling away from everyone as a sort of defensive mechanism,
even Gerard, choosing to simply communicate with him through phone calls
instead of begging to come over to his place every chance he got. He neglected
visiting Brendon's bar after the night he had spent there as well, instead
drinking at home if he even bothered with that. Alcohol hadn't been helping
Frank forget as well as it used to, in fact, nothing really worked except
keeping his mind as blank as possible while trying to focus on anything else
besides his broken friendship and whatever the fuck he had going on with his
teacher.
But Frank wasn't going to continue hiding away from everything and everyone
today, even though the thought was definitely appealing, but Pete had sent him
a short text not long after Frank had arrived home from school, which was the
catalyst Frank had been waiting for, and now he had the motivation to force his
deadened limbs into motion, bringing him closer to the metaphorical pier that
was barely visible now that he had allowed himself to drift so far away from
it.
"I miss you, I'm sorry"
The short line of script physically ripped Frank out of the mental bubble he
had cocooned around his brain, making him regret his radio silence with his
best friend, even though he wasn't entirely to blame here, but still - he
hadn't put in any effort to smooth over the snag their friendship had hit, so
he was as much at fault as Pete in this case, and he wasn't going to continue
to act like the loss of Pete hadn't affected him at all, because it had - so
fucking much, and Frank just wanted him back, no matter how he felt about
Frank's relationship with Gerard.
"I miss you too, can I come over?"
Pete replied to Frank almost instantly, saving Frank from waiting by the phone
and worrying himself sick, which he had already managed to do in the few scant
seconds it had taken him to type out his message, so he was grateful that he
wasn't given the opportunity to work himself up into a full blown panic attack.
"Please?"
That was all Frank needed to see to have him tearing out the door, placing a
note for his mother on the counter who was thankfully still at work. Lately she
had been refusing to vacate the house unless she absolutely had to, leaving
Frank to wrack his brain for ways to get her to go to her job every morning,
and he had failed once or twice over the past few weeks.
Frank was beginning to worry that she would be fired soon, because he had no
idea how much sick time she had left - if any, but Frank wasn't going to dwell
on that issue right now, he couldn't handle dealing with more than one thing at
a time, and mending his relationship with Pete was currently his main priority.
Because they were going to fix this - they had to, any other outcome was
unacceptable in Frank's mind. He needed Pete, he always had, and Frank couldn't
imagine a world in which Pete wasn't his best friend or where they didn't speak
on a regular basis, so Frank was going to do whatever it took to make sure the
outcome of this visit was a positive one.
But as Frank drew closer to Pete's house, his optimistic outlook quickly began
to dwindle into nothing, because he knew they needed to talk about what Pete
had offered the last time they had spoken, no matter how much Frank would
rather ignore it, but pushing it under the rug would only allow the confession
to fester and grow until it became this monstrous thing that neither of them
would be able to deal with.
Frank wasn't good with actually facing things like this head on though, he
always ended up stumbling over his words, or saying the wrong thing, sometimes
even going blank entirely, which was probably why he buried everything deep
inside of himself in the hope that it would work itself out eventually without
him ever having to do anything about it.
That obviously wasn't the best way of dealing with things though, especially
not the fallout that had happened between him and Pete, because this new
tension between them was caused by Frank in a way, it had sprung into existence
because of his feelings for Gerard, and even though Frank would never apologize
for that, he did need to let Pete know that he still mattered to him, and he
always would, even if he and Gerard ended up together or not.
When Frank arrived at Pete's house, he was waiting for him on the front porch,
his gaze cast downward at his shoes which were shifting back and forth
nervously, increasing Frank's own anxiety by another notch. Using a supreme
effort of will, Frank swallowed down the nerves that he hadn't felt around Pete
since they were four, forcing his feet to keep moving even though they suddenly
seemed to be tied down by invisible weights that caused each step to drag
heavily.
"Hey," Frank spoke when Pete didn't immediately notice his close proximity,
causing Pete's head to snap upward and a small smile to break out on his face.
"Frank," Pete sighed in relief, almost as if he had assumed that Frank wasn't
going to show after all, not that he would ever do that to his best friend, but
things were changing now, and the unshakable foundation of trust that they had
built their relationship on was in danger of crumbling at any moment, which was
a sensation that Frank despised with every fiber of his being, which was why he
was doing his best to fill in the cracks before they became any larger.
Frank came to a halt in front of Pete, biting on his lower lip as he tried to
think of something to say to clear the awkward aura in the air - anything
really, but Pete saved him the trouble of replying by enveloping him in a brief
hug. The familiar feeling of being encased in Pete's arms allowed Frank to
relax for the first time in ages, and much to his shock and embarrassment, he
found himself on the verge of tears, his eyes stinging painfully as he buried
his face in Pete's shoulder.
"I'm so sorry," Pete murmured, his hold around Frank tightening briefly before
he released Frank entirely, leaning back against the wall of the house while
Frank quickly attempted to pull himself back together. "I never should have
said what I did, I'm such an ass," Pete apologized, running his hands through
his hair in agitation which had the dark strands sticking up every which way in
a comical fashion.
"It's okay - I was a dick too, I don't know why I didn't call you sooner,"
Frank admitted, his heart lightening with every word he spoke when he realized
that they might be okay again. "Things have just spiraled out of control
lately, and I'm not dealing with it well, but I shouldn't have cut you out, I'm
not even mad anymore."
"No - I understand, I mean, I deserved it honestly, and I'm surprised your even
here now." Pete paused when Frank shivered suddenly, the cold October air
affecting him since he hadn't had the foresight to grab a jacket before leaving
for Pete's house. "Come on, let's go inside," Pete offered, opening up the door
when Frank nodded gratefully.
Frank followed silently behind Pete as they ascended the stairs leading to his
room, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he went, trying to stabilize his
internal equilibrium which was still slightly off even though he and Pete
seemed to be on good terms now, but they still needed to talk about Pete's
confession, and Frank knew that as soon as they stopped moving, he had to bring
it up before he lost the courage to do so completely.
"So..." Frank made himself speak up once Pete had seated himself on his bed,
patting the spot next to him which Frank took, his spine rigid and unmoving as
he perched himself on the edge of the mattress, "about what you said before -
the uh, I mean, the whole dating you thing," Frank managed to stammer out, his
eyes glued down at his hands so he wouldn't have to maintain eye contact with
Pete, "was that just to help me out, or do you like actually want to be with
me, because you know I care about you, but not romantically, and I just wanted
to make sure that you weren't upset about that or whatever," Frank spit out all
at once, finally raising his head so he could see if Pete had managed to
decipher his mangled sentence, which it appeared he had if the deep flush
staining his cheeks meant anything at all.
"Oh - that." Pete released a high pitched giggle that was laced with nerves,
the harsh sound grating on Frank's ears, causing him to hunch inward on himself
as if that would lessen the vibrations somehow. "I mean, I do want to be there
for you any way I can, and I wasn't really thinking clearly that day, but no -
I'm not secretly in love with you or anything, we're just friend, and I get
that, even though I wouldn't say no to being your boyfriend, but just because
we are so close you know?" Pete sighed loudly then, collapsing back against his
mattress while flinging his arm over his face. "Does that make any sense? I
know I shouldn't have offered, it wasn't cool of me, especially when I know
that you're crazy about Gerard. I guess I just wanted you to know that you
don't have to look for affection from other men all the time and I'm here if
you ever need someone."
"I do know that Pete," Frank assured him, allowing his posture to unwind until
he was pressed up against Pete's side. "You're my best friend, and I do love
you, you know that, but our relationship is perfect the way it is. This whole
thing we have going on has been so helpful to me, and it's not like I'm not
attracted to you or whatever, it's just different with Gerard, and now that my
birthday is coming up soon, I can't fuck up again, but you'll always be my best
friend okay?"
"Yeah, course, that's all I've ever wanted." Pete smiled up at Frank, and even
if his tone sounded a bit choked with what Frank guessed were suppressed
emotions, Frank chalked them up to the fact that Pete had been worried that he
had lost Frank forever, Frank could definitely vouch for his own overwhelming
relief now that everything had fallen into place again, so it made sense. "Can
we just forget this whole fight ever happened and go back to how we used to
be?"
"That depends on if you have any food I can steal." Frank grinned cheekily,
earning himself a loud laugh from his best friend that held none of the anxious
energy from before.
"I'm pretty sure my mom's bringing subway home, I'll text her to get you
something," Pete replied, pulling out his phone as Frank hummed happily at the
prospect of a sandwich that contained something besides discount meat which was
all he could afford half of the time. "Want to watch something until she gets
here, I recorded the new episodes of Criminal Minds since I know you don't have
cable."
"Oh fuck yes, I've been wanting to catch up on that show," Frank nodded
eagerly, moving over slightly so Pete could begin searching for the remote.
And although Frank still had a sinking feeling in his gut that Pete wasn't
being entirely honest with him about his feelings, and that he might care for
Frank more than he was letting on, Frank forced himself to ignore his
misgivings, because it had to be just a phase. Pete would move on eventually
when he met someone else he was interested in, and he was probably just thrown
off now that Frank had actually found someone he truly cared about instead of
his usual string of men that he only spent one night with.
Frank would most likely have reacted in a similar fashion if Pete had announced
that he had a boyfriend first, and Frank knew if he were in Pete's position, he
wouldn't want to be constantly pestered about his emotions. Pete would work it
out in his own time, and as long as it didn't affect their friendship any more
than it already had, Frank was perfectly happy pretending that everything was
fine, because it was. Pete was feeling lost and confused right now, so it
wasn't unnatural for him to latch onto Frank, but once the newness of his
relationship with Gerard had worn off, Frank was confident that Pete would
forget about this entirely and they would be able to laugh about it further
down the line.
~~~
After his success with Pete, Frank found himself oddly optimistic when faced
with the prospect of school the next day, he even went so far as to wake up
early and finish all of his chores, managing to get his mother functioning and
on her way to work with very little effort on his end, leaving Frank relieved
and with more time on his hands than he was usually granted in the mornings.
Frank decided to walk to school instead of taking the bus, enjoying the crisp
air that always came with early October, his entire body feeling lighter than
it had in weeks now that he and Pete were officially okay again.
They had spent the entire afternoon together watching television before his
mother arrived home with dinner, and the simple act of sitting down and eating
with a group of people who actually loved and cared for each other and were
willing to include Frank into their lives had been a soothing balm to the
invisible wounds Frank had been suffering from over the past few weeks.
Frank arrived at the front gates of the school just as they were being opened,
which meant he was much earlier than he had intended on being, but the free
time didn't bother him, in fact, he was grateful for the added hour he was
given to prepare himself for the oncoming day since he hadn't finished all of
his english reading last night given the fact that he was busy with Pete.
Frank turned his feet to what was known as the smoking area, even though
students were technically forbidden from having cigarettes on them, but some of
the seniors had found a small spot off to the left of the teacher parking lot
where no one could see them partake in the illegal activity.
Frank hadn't spent much time there this year, mostly because he hadn't had the
funds to purchase the expensive sticks lately, but Billie Joe had given him a
pack the other day as thanks for unintentionally covering his shift. Apparently
their manager had decided not to write him up for calling in since they hadn't
been shorthanded with Frank on the staff, and Billie Joe was about two more
documentations away from being fired, so Frank had taken the gift eagerly.
Spreading out on the slightly icy ground, Frank wrapped his jacket closer
around himself before grabbing his lighter and igniting the end of his
cigarette, taking measured drags while trying to focus on the dull book in
front of him. He had heard rumors about how tedious Great Expectations was from
other students, but none of their warnings had prepared him for how much he was
going to dislike the novel, and if finishing it wasn't a major part of his
grade, he would have burned the thing ages ago.
Barely fifteen minutes later, just when Frank was finally starting to be able
to focus on the words which had been blurring before his eyes after every few
sentences, the sound of a car engine shattered his peaceful solitude. Frank sat
up slightly, stubbing out the end of his cigarette before moving closer to the
entrance of his small hideaway, trying to make sure that whatever teacher had
pulled up wouldn't wander in his direction and catch him in the act of smoking.
Frank's breath hitched in his throat when he spied a familiar vehicle, and even
though Frank shouldn't have been surprised to see Gerard's dark sedan given the
fact that he did work here, he hadn't been expecting the older man to be here
this soon. Gerard typically showed up at the last possible minute due to his
love for sleep, and his unexpected appearance had all thoughts of his english
homework evaporating in a puff of smoke as Frank waited for Gerard himself to
emerge from the car.
A part of Frank ached to rush out and greet Gerard, even though he knew that
was a terrible idea, they were still at school after all, and no matter the
hour, someone could see them, but that didn't stop the surge of longing from
wrapping itself around Frank's chest so tightly he thought he might suffocate
if he didn't do something to alleviate it.
After what seemed like ages to Frank but what was probably barely a minute,
Gerard finally made an appearance, but Frank was no longer elated when he got a
good glimpse of the older man, because fuck - he looked awful. Even with the
distance separating them, Frank could tell that Gerard had been drinking; his
hair was unkempt and greasy, his posture was stooped, he was visibly unsteady
on his feet and Frank was pretty certain he had seen Gerard wearing that exact
same outfit when he had caught sight of him in the halls yesterday.
So although Frank hadn't been planning on making his presence known to Gerard,
his feet began moving without any conscience decision on his part, rushing him
to Gerard's side before he could stop himself. Frank was well aware that what
he was doing was dangerous, but his concern for Gerard had overridden all of
his practical fears, and the only thing he cared about right now was making
sure that Gerard was okay even though it was obvious that he was anything but.
"Gerard," Frank hissed once he was within earshot, his eyes darting around
quickly to make sure that they were still alone, which thankfully they were.
"Frank - hey," Gerard exclaimed much too loudly, leaving Frank wincing when he
heard the pronounced slur to his words coupled with the rank stench of alcohol
on his breath.
Now that he was closer to Gerard, he realized that there was no way he could
let Gerard into the school like this. His eyes were unfocused and bloodshot,
not to mention he smelled like a bar, and even though Gerard had taught
slightly inebriated before, it had never been this bad, and Frank had only
caught onto it because he knew the older man so well, but Gerard wouldn't be
able to hide his intoxication today.
"What do you think you're doing Gerard, hell - how did you even drive here
without crashing?" Frank questioned, agitation lacing his tone, lending it a
harsh sheen that had Gerard reeling with the force of it.
Frank didn't mean to be so harsh with the older man, but he couldn't help
himself. Gerard was drunk - borderline wasted actually, and just the thought of
him being in a wreck had Frank shaking slightly, because he could have died, or
at least been seriously injured, and the fact that he didn't seem at all
worried about that had Frank furious and petrified all at once.
"I - I've got work, I'm your teacher, remember Frank," Gerard explained, his
body swaying slightly from side to side before he leaned back against the hood
of his car heavily. "That's why we had to break up...I'm - wait, is it the
weekend? No...you wouldn't be here if it was, right Frankie?"
"Shit," Frank cursed weakly, knowing that the other faculty members would be
arriving at any minute now, leaving him with a very small window with which to
get Gerard out of here before someone noticed his appalling state. "Get in the
car okay? Just sit down, I'm going to call Mikey so he can come get you."
"No," Gerard protested vehemently, "he's going to be mad at me, please Frank?"
Gerard begged, but he did allow Frank to open the door to his vehicle and guide
him inside forcibly.
"He won't be upset Gerard, but you can't be here right now, and there's no way
in hell I'm letting you drive home either," Frank stated sternly, digging his
phone out of his pocket before dialing Mikey's number quickly.
But much to Frank's dismay, Mikey didn't pick up, and after the third attempt,
Frank realized that he was going to have to get Gerard back to his apartment
safely on his own, which would be an absence his mother was sure to question
once she noticed it, because even if he went straight back to school after he
dropped Gerard off, he would miss part of first period for sure, but still -
Gerard's wellbeing was the important thing here, and Frank would do anything to
help him, including skipping a class or two.
"He's not home," Gerard mumbled quietly, forcing Frank to strain his ears to
pick up on his quiet words, "I can't remember where he went, but he's been out
since last night."
"Okay," Frank sighed, giving up on his hope that Mikey would be able to watch
Gerard once Frank got him back to his apartment, leaving that to Frank as well,
because he didn't feel comfortable abandoning Gerard without some form of
supervision right now. "Stay there okay," Frank ordered, quickly sprinting back
toward his things which he had left in his original spot, stuffing everything
into his backpack before returning to Gerard's vehicle as quickly as possible,
heaving a sigh of relief when he found Gerard exactly where he had left him.
"I'm going to take you to your place," Frank answered the questioning look
Gerard shot him, but when Gerard still didn't move out of the driver's seat,
Frank had to physically help him up, placing him in the back since Gerard
didn't seem inclined to walk around to the passenger's side. "Are you going to
be sick?" Frank queried when he caught sight of Gerard's unnatural pallor, not
wanting to let him throw up in the parking lot which was sure to be full of
witnesses within minutes, but also not liking the idea of him doing it on the
upholstery.
"No," Gerard groaned miserably, his eyes watering up suddenly when Frank
started to move away. "Are you mad at me too Frankie?"
"No Gerard, no one is mad at you," Frank sighed, forcing himself to get in the
car and start the engine even though he wanted to take a moment to comfort the
visibly distressed Gerard, but they couldn't afford another delay. "I'm just
worried about you."
"I'm sorry," Gerard wailed, the choked quality to his voice alluding to tears
on the way. "I was trying so hard to be good, I swear."
"Just lay down, we can talk more later." Frank tried to nail a soothing tone,
and surprisingly enough, Gerard listened to him, stretching out across the
seats as Frank exited the parking lot, the soft sniffles he emitted every few
seconds breaking Frank's heart even though he knew Gerard was just drunk and he
had worked himself into a state for no good reason.
The drive home went well relatively speaking; Gerard didn't get sick at least,
and even though a few teachers had started to arrive while Frank was leaving
the school, no one had witnessed Gerard or Frank's short discussion, but
another problem made itself known to Frank while he waited at a red light that
seemed to last for ages even though no one was coming for the opposite
direction.
Gerard needed to call in sick to work, or at least Frank assumed he did given
the fact that the school would have to find a substitute to teach his class,
but Gerard was in no condition to have that conversation right now, so Frank
now had another thing he would have to do to make sure Gerard didn't suffer any
repercussions from his irresponsible actions.
But first, Frank had to get Gerard inside, which was going to be easier said
than done. Gerard remained curled up in the back when Frank stopped the car,
his unsteady breathing and the way that his hands clenched together roughly
were the only signs that he was still conscious.
"Gerard, we're here, you gotta get up okay?"
"I don't want to go in there," Gerard whispered, his body inching as far away
from Frank as it could get when Frank pulled his door open wider.
"Why not?" Frank questioned, completely confused by how emotional Gerard was
being, not that it was unusual for Gerard to become overdramatic when he was
drunk, but Frank didn't understand why he was so reluctant to go into his home
which was a place he rarely wanted to leave at any other time.
"I told you," Gerard huffed angrily, "I'm trying to be good - I'm trying so
fucking hard, but if I go in there, I won't be able to - I just...I don't want
to be alone. Please don't make me do this Frank," Gerard pleaded, finally
maintaining eye contact with Frank, and the pure desolation he could see in
Gerard's irises physically pained him, making him want to hold Gerard close
until whatever was eating away at him relinquished its hold on him, but he had
to get them behind closed doors first.
"You won't be, I'm going to stay with you...if that's okay?" Frank asked,
holding his hand out to Gerard in a silent invitation that he was praying
Gerard would accept.
"You promise you won't leave me?" Gerard queried shakily, his gaze dancing
between Frank's face and his outstretched palms numerous times as he waited for
Frank's answer.
"I swear, I'm not going anywhere until Mikey comes back."
"Okay..." Gerard agreed reluctantly, lacing his fingers with Frank's before
allowing Frank to tug him to his feet.
Much to Frank's relief, Gerard managed to walk up to his floor on his own, only
leaning on Frank when they reached the steep set of stairs that preceded his
door. Frank kept a close eye on Gerard the entire time, checking for any signs
that he was going to be ill or stumble, but his color was slowly returning to
his face, and even though he was still intoxicated, he didn't seem to be in as
bad as shape as Frank had originally thought, but he still shouldn't have been
behind the wheel, or at school for that matter.
"Gerard, do you have your phone on you?" Frank asked once they had successfully
made it inside of his apartment, hoping that the older man had the number to
the school saved in it or else he would have to find it another way, and he
couldn't remember if he had the contact in his own list or not.
"Yeah, it's...uh - here." Gerard shifted around awkwardly for a few moments
until he emerged with the device, placing it in Frank's hand before flopping
down onto the couch with a soft grunt.
Frank opened the phone quickly, finding the school's number saved under work,
and after a few deep breaths coupled with a mental recitation of what he was
going to say, he pressed the send button with shaking fingers, hoping he could
bullshit his way through this easily so he could return his entire focus to
Gerard.
Frank barely waited for the secretary who answered the call to begin speaking
before his mouth was moving, spitting out the cover story he had concocted
stating that Gerard had a stomach virus and he wouldn't be able to come in
today, claiming he was Mikey and Gerard was too sick to come to make the call
himself. Much to Frank's relief, the woman bought his explanation instantly,
not bothering to question him further, simply informing him to call back when
Gerard knew if he would be able to make it into work tomorrow or not.
"Gerard," Frank turned to face the older man who had by this point buried his
face into the cushions, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder until Gerard
looked up at him groggily, "I called into work for you."
"Thanks," Gerard mumbled quietly, "I'm sorry, I was going to go in, but I guess
I didn't..." Gerard's brow crinkled in confusion, and Frank realized that he
was so inebriated that he didn't recall Frank bringing him home, which was a
worrisome sign, but hopefully a few hours of sleep would sufficiently clear his
head.
"Let's get you into bed okay?" Frank gestured to Gerard's room, earning himself
a halfhearted shrug from the other man, but he did drag himself to his feet
slowly, following behind Frank reluctantly the entire way.
"Why don't you change into something more comfortable while I grab you some
water," Frank offered, but the second he turned in the direction of the
hallway, Gerard whimpered softly, his fingers curling around Frank's wrist in a
tight grip that Frank wasn't able to easily break free from. "Hey, what's
wrong?" Frank whispered, his hand moving up to stroke Gerard's cheek on its own
accord, and thankfully, Gerard leaned into touch instead of flinching away like
Frank half expected him to.
"You said you would stay."
"And I am, but you need something to drink," Frank tried to reason with him,
but when Gerard only scooted closer to Frank, he gave up on that endeavor
entirely, allowing Gerard to come with him instead of wasting his energy
arguing with him. "So...why did you get so drunk last night?" Frank dared to
ask as they walked, because he knew that Gerard had taken to the bottle more
often lately, but this was extreme, even for him, and Frank was desperate to
know if something had happened to set off his binge drinking, even though he
wasn't sure if he would receive a coherent answer until Gerard had sobered up a
bit.
"I told you...didn't I?" Gerard shook his head in a perplexed manner, his
expression looking lost and adrift as he peered down at the glass Frank had
placed in his hands filled with tap water he had gotten from the kitchen sink.
"No...you just said you were trying to be good," Frank reminded him, the
meaning of which was still eluding him, but if Gerard's idea of good meant
getting wasted and then attempting to teach class, his priorities were
obviously skewed even more than Frank had originally thought.
"I - fuck Frank," Gerard groaned, his eyes welling up with another round of
tears before he ducked his head to hide his face, "I wanted to hurt myself
again, so I stayed out, I didn't go home, because if I had, I would have done
it - I know I would have, but I didn't want you to find out, because I know it
upsets you, not to mention Mikey, and I - I don't want to do it either, but for
some reason, I couldn't get it out of my head, so I went to a bar, I fucking
slept in my car, I did everything I could to stay away from my blades, but now
I'm back here again, and the urge is still there. Is it every going to go away
Frank, will this ever stop?"
"Oh Gerard," Frank choked out, wrapping his arms around the older man's waist
before pulling him against his torso gently, running his hands through his hair
in the way he remembered that Gerard used to love back when he was allowed to
touch him like this. "I can't say for sure, but drinking isn't a good
substitute. You could have died being out on the road in that state, and if
that had happened, I - I don't know what I would have done."
"I didn't mean for it to go so far...but it did - I fucked up again didn't I?"
Gerard burrowed deeper into Frank's hold, and Frank could feel a few tears slip
down his cheeks, the warm liquid tickling his neck before it was absorbed by
the fabric of his shirt.
"No...you were trying, but you know you could have called me, I would have
stayed the night with you or something if you had asked." Frank made sure to
keep his tone kind and accusation free, not wanting to upset Gerard any
further, but he also couldn't pretend that he condoned Gerard's methods of
coping, because they were both dangerous, and Frank didn't want to lose Gerard
to either of his vices.
"You don't understand Frank," Gerard hiccupped, ignoring the soothing noises
Frank was making, choosing to keep speaking instead. "I wanted to call you, I
want you here all the fucking time, because you do help - fuck, you help so
much. I was in such a bad place before you showed up, and I know it's
ridiculous to say you magically fixed everything, because you didn't - not
really, but you gave me hope, you were a reason to get up in the morning and to
try to be a better person, and that's what I needed. I always pretend to be
strong for Mikey, but it was different with you, easier I guess...I don't know,
but now I'm falling again, and I don't know how to stop myself. It's not just
the fact that I don't have you anymore, it's this job, it's trying to pretend
I'm fine for eight hours a day when I'm breaking to pieces inside, it's
watching Mikey destroy himself when I want to be doing the same thing, and I
know I can turn to you, but at the same time, seeing you is a reminder of when
I was at my happiest, and somehow being faced with that prospect makes
everything hurt even more."
"Gerard..." Frank didn't know what to say, because words weren't good enough,
they wouldn't fix the way Gerard was feeling, they would do nothing besides
fill the empty air for a few more moments, and even if Gerard was drunk, even
if he wouldn't remember this tomorrow, Frank wasn't going to fill his head with
empty promises, he wasn't that cruel.
"I'm sorry, I'm not making sense, and I'm trying to keep my head above water,
but it's so hard. I miss you so fucking much, and I keep trying to remind
myself that we only have two more weeks to wait, but each day seems like years,
and even then I can't tell anyone about you, I won't be able to take you out on
proper dates, and you deserve that Frank, you deserve the fucking world, and I
don't think I can give that to you."
"I don't want the world," Frank sniffled quietly, his own eyes burning heavily
as he clutched Gerard as tightly to him as he could, "I only want you, that's
more than enough."
Gerard started again crying then, his soft sobs shaking his body as he leaned
heavily against Frank. Frank tried to calm him down, allowing their entwined
forms to sink to the cold tile floor as his own tears joined Gerard's, his
heart aching in his chest as he attempted to provide the older man with the
comfort of his touch, wishing that the simple act could erase the sorrow
weighing Gerard down but knowing that his wounds were too deep to heal so
quickly.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Gerard kept repeating, the statement emerging
muffled and slurred more often than not, but no matter how many times Frank
told Gerard that he had nothing to apologize for, Gerard would only shake his
head before saying the same phrase over and over again.
And even though Frank knew that this moment would pass, and Gerard would most
likely recall very little of his breakdown in the morning, Frank couldn't help
but wonder if it wasn't only their relationship that was at risk of being
permanently damaged, but Gerard as well.
Frank didn't care how much baggage Gerard carried with him, but seeing the
older man this vulnerable scared Frank, because he wasn't whole either - not
even close, and he was terrified that they wouldn't be able to hold each other
together long enough for the two of them to mend, but that didn't mean that he
wasn't going to try, even if he failed, he wasn't going to give up on Gerard -
not now, not ever.
***** Scotch Tape And A Smattering Of Glue *****
Frank eventually managed to get Gerard into bed, curling up next to him so
Gerard would know he was still there even in his sleep, because he wasn't going
to break his promise, he was going to stay with Gerard for as long as possible,
and really - there was nowhere else he'd rather be, even if Gerard wasn't in
such a state.
Gerard had cried for what felt like hours earlier, and as much as the expulsion
of sorrow had hurt Frank to witness - fuck, it had practically ripped him to
shreds inside, he sensed that Gerard had needed to lose control, to completely
expunge the pain and misery he kept bottled up inside him in the form of tears,
so Frank had let him weep, whispering soothing nonsense the entire time until
Gerard had tired himself out.
Finally, Gerard had calmed down enough to drink some water and get changed,
allowing Frank to lead him into bed without a single word of protest. Gerard
had refused to relinquish his hold on Frank the entire time though, even going
so far as to keep a tight grasp on Frank's wrist while brushing his teeth, but
Frank didn't try to pull away either, in fact, he sort of loved the way Gerard
wanted to be touching him at all times, even though he knew it was out of fear
of being left alone and not actually any desire for physical affection.
Now Gerard was sleeping peacefully, his larger frame wrapped around Frank's as
he combed his hand through his hair idly. Mikey still hadn't returned, but
Frank was almost thankful for that. It gave him an excuse to stay, even though
his unexplained absence would most likely get him into trouble with his mother
at a later date, but that didn't matter to Frank right now - nothing did
besides Gerard.
Gerard needed Frank right now, so Frank wasn't going to abandon him, and
honestly, Frank needed this too, maybe not as badly as Gerard did, butstill -
the simple pressure of his touch was like a healing balm to the jagged edges of
his heart that had been grating at his internal organs roughly, sometimes
gently, other times so strongly that Frank didn't know if he could stand the
agony.
Frank had been trying so hard to pretend that everything was fine, because it
was - mostly. He and Pete were friends again, his mother hadn't gotten
noticeably worse, and although he missed the relationship he and Gerard had
shared, he was learning to function without it.
Gerard still cared for him after all, he knew that now, even though the dark
part of his mind that seemed like his own worst enemy personified was hell bent
on convincing him differently, but after all this time, Gerard was still
waiting for him, in fact - they had almost made it until his birthday.
It was only two more weeks until Frank turned eighteen, and although dating his
teacher was still illegal, it would work out, Frank had to put faith in that.
They would be discrete, and soon enough he would graduate, which would relieve
all of the pressures society had forced onto their shoulders, if something else
didn't go wrong before then that is.
But even though things were finally beginning to look up for Frank, he wasn't
happy - hell, he didn't even think he was content. He tried to bury his misery
in work, or school, or anything really, but now that Frank was given a period
of calm in which to think, he began to realize that he was just as fucked up as
he had always been, maybe even more so given the stress of current events.
In the past, all he had to worry about was his mother and his absent father,
which had been almost more than Frank could handle. Now he had whatever existed
between him and Gerard added to his plate, coupled with the awkwardness that
now resided in his bond with Pete, and even though Frank prayed that everything
would work itself out eventually, he was so fucking terrified that he was going
to break before that happened.
Frank was hurting, he didn't know how else to describe it. There was a constant
ache in the center of his chest now, even in moments like these when Gerard was
pressed against his side and he should have been enjoying the calm serenity of
the early morning.
Frank had originally thought the pain had been caused by Gerard leaving him
when he discovered his age, that was when he first began to truly notice it,
but even now that they had smoothed things out the best that they could given
their circumstances, the heaviness was still there, like a stone had lodged
itself inside of Frank's ribcage and he had no way to remove it without
cracking his sternum wide open.
Being with Gerard helped though, it always did. It quieted his mind and gave
him something else to focus on, the soft sparks that Frank still felt whenever
they touched disrupted the negative ball of energy until Frank could almost
pretend like it didn't exist, but it never failed to return, and Frank was
beginning to wonder if it would ever go away.
Realistically he knew that he was most likely depressed, and the only way to
truly heal this ailment would be with pills or therapy, but he didn't have the
money for that, or the will to seek it out. His own wellbeing wasn't his top
priority right now, and if he couldn't even convince his own mother to get help
for herself, there was no way in hell he would be able to talk her into sending
him to a doctor either.
It would get better though - it had to. Frank had it under control, and when he
thought about it, he hadn't been acting nearly as destructive as he had
previously besides the occasional nights of binge drinking, but now he wasn't
searching for validation in other men, and he hadn't even been spending that
much time at the bar. Lately he had been turning to Pete, or Brendon and Ryan,
sometimes even Gerard in an attempt to stop himself from doing something stupid
he would regret later on, and that progress had to mean something right?
Frank didn't know for sure, and deep down, he really didn't care. His mental
health was something that he had always been unsure of, but pondering over it
was doing nothing but bringing him down even more than he already was, and he
didn't want to make himself upset right now, not when Gerard was in a much more
fragile state than he was.
Frank wondered if what Gerard felt when he wanted to hurt himself was similar
to what Frank was experiencing, or if it was an entirely different set of
emotions. He had never desired to take a blade to his skin, not understanding
how physical pain could soothe emotional agony, but occasionally, he wondered
about it. When he had first discovered that Gerard was his teacher, Frank
remembered wanting to hurt, thinking that he deserved it, but it had been a
fleeting thing, not something he would have ever actually gone through with.
Frank couldn't imagine Gerard feeling as awful as he had that day, he wouldn't
wish that on anyone, especially not him, but apparently he had - he still did,
and Frank hated that fact. If only he could do more for him, he wanted to fix
him, but Frank knew that was something Gerard would have to do for himself, and
if anything, Frank would be nothing more than a helping hand to ease along the
process.
Frank would probably hinder Gerard's recovery more than anything though,
despite his promises that said the exact opposite. Frank had hoped that he
could be a friend that Gerard could turn to in times of need if not his
boyfriend, but that hadn't happened last night when Gerard had chosen to spend
his entire evening at a bar without once calling Frank.
It scared Frank to think of Gerard out on his own and wanting to rip into his
own skin, of him drinking until he couldn't think anymore in the hopes of
escaping himself, and although Frank was proud of Gerard for resisting his
compulsion to self-harm, he didn't approve of the methods he had chosen,
because they could kill him just as easily as a misplaced blade. Frank wanted
to be a safe haven Gerard could turn to in times like that, but he knew he
couldn't always be there, no matter how badly he wanted to.
That didn't mean that Frank was bitter about Gerard's choice to deal with his
urges on his own, how could he be? He understood what it was like to constantly
want to be around Gerard but also to be fearful of wearing out his questionable
welcome, he knew how bittersweet it was to spend time with the man that he had
once been able to kiss and adore without fear of any repercussions, and having
that taking away warped the calming effects they had once found within each
other, whether they wanted them to or not.
That was going to change though, they would be able to go back to the way
things were, or close at least, and that was all that Frank had to left to look
forward to lately. He knew that placing so much significance in Gerard was
dangerous, because he was unstable and unsure at the best of times, but Frank
didn't care.
Gerard was the best thing to happen to Frank in ages, so even though their
situation was fucked up, and it seemed like the odds were stacked against them,
Frank had hope in a happy ending. Why else would the world have brought them
together the way it did, why would he have such a strong attraction to Gerard
from the second he met him if they weren't destined to be together?
Frank loved Gerard, he could say that for certain now when he gazed down at his
peaceful face, and yes- Frank had never experienced that particular emotion
before, but he could think of no other term to label the overflowing well of
affection he carried for the man sleeping next to him. It had to be love,
otherwise he wouldn't still be here risking both of their futures for a chance
at maintaining a relationship with him.
Frank was aware that most people would tell him that this was a fleeting thing,
and that all seventeen year olds believe that they are going to stay with their
first boyfriend forever, but Frank knew this was different. Gerard was special,
and he seemed to reciprocate everything Frank felt for him and then some. Frank
wasn't sure if Gerard loved him yet, or if he ever would, but he cared, and
that was more than Frank had ever expected to get when they shared that first
night together.
Still - the future was a scary thing to Frank, it always had been, mostly
because he had nothing to look forward to besides escaping the structure that
was the American school system, but now Frank had a person who made waking up
seem worth it, or he would soon, but in a way, that almost made everything a
thousand times more terrifying.
Frank had told Pete that he could see himself marrying Gerard, and that wasn't
a lie, but it could very well be wishful thinking. Gerard might never want to
take that step, or he might eventually tire of Frank, but those fears were
insignificant compared to the sensations Frank was feeling right now when
Gerard sighed softly and burrowed closer against Frank's side.
Frank knew then and there that Gerard was worth everything he had suffered
through and more, and even if this ended in tragedy, that was a chance that
Frank was willing to take. He had never experienced these emotions with anyone
else, so teenage romance or not, Frank wasn't going to allow himself to be
deterred. The benefits outweighed the risks in his mind at least, and no matter
how broken, or how illegal their relationship was, it made Frank happy.
He and Gerard might be held together by fragile pieces of scotch tape and a
smattering of glue right now, but it gave them a chance to sew themselves
together, to find the shards of their shattered lives and make a new one from
the wreckage. It wasn't an impossible dream, unlikely yes - but doable, and
Frank was done hiding, of avoiding the things that pained him, because during
the hour or so he and spent in silent contemplation, the ache in his chest had
begun to lessen slightly, and that was a sign to Frank that for once, he was
doing the right thing by sticking this out when most people would have given up
long ago.
Having reached a mostly pleasant conclusion to his drawn out train of thought,
Frank allowed his body to relax, the knots of tension that had been plaguing
him ever since he first saw Gerard in the parking lot finally unwinding as he
stretched out next to Gerard, daring to place a soft kiss to the crown of his
head before he settled down with a tired sigh.
~~~
Frank hadn't meant to fall asleep, not wanting to miss it if Gerard awoke, but
apparently his body had other ideas. Frank wasn't sure how long he had spent
dozing, but he felt significantly more rested than he had when he had initially
drifted off, so he would guess that a few hours had passed since he had arrived
at Gerard's place.
Frank sighed happily under his breath once he made sure that Gerard was still
sleeping peacefully with a quick glance to his right, enjoying the warmth
Gerard provided almost as much as his presence next to him. Frank would give up
all of his worldly possessions to be able to wake up this way every day, and
even if he was blessed enough to have that happen to him, Frank didn't think he
would ever tire of it.
Frank carefully pulled his phone out of his pocket a few seconds later,
grateful to see that he had no missed calls from his mother just yet. There was
a text from Mikey asking if everything was all right coupled with an apology
for not answering earlier that had been sent about fifteen minutes ago, to
which Frank replied with a short explanation and a promise that he had the
situation under control now.
Frank placed his phone on the bedside dresser once he was finished going
through his messages, turning his attention to Gerard instead of the outside
world. The older man looked much better than he had this morning, although it
was hard to judge his state without him being awake. He was breathing deeply at
least, his eyelashes fluttering faintly and his mouth slightly ajar in a manner
that Frank found ridiculously endearing.
"Frankie?" Gerard groaned softly when Frank moved his arm so he could rub at
his eyes lazily, and although Frank cursed himself for unintentionally
disturbing the older man, he instantly felt his lips twitch into a smile when
Gerard didn't pull away from him, the gesture seeming to radiate deep inside of
him until his earlier pain became a distant memory.
It wasn't lost on Frank how the once hated nickname had become a treasured
thing whenever Gerard uttered it, in fact - he almost looked forward to the
term of endearment now since it carried memories of Gerard with it instead of
only painful recollections involving happier days with his father.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Frank whispered softly, not wanting to aggravate
the hangover that Gerard most likely had, keeping himself still as if any
sudden movements would startle Gerard and ruin the peaceful moment.
"You stayed," Gerard murmured instead of answering Frank's question, and he
sounded so grateful for that fact, even though leaving had never been an option
in Frank's head, which he had assumed Gerard knew as well.
"I said that I would," Frank shrugged, downplaying his actions unconsciously,
because it was second nature for him to protect Gerard however he could, and he
would have done much more than drive him home and kept him company if that
meant ensuring his safety.
"I keep forgetting how wonderful you are," Gerard chuckled softly, a faint
blush staining his cheeks before he ducked his head down, hiding his features
from Frank's steady gaze.
Frank had to pause for a moment, his throat clenching tightly as an unexpected
round of tears filled his eyes. He refused to let them fall though, because he
had no reason to be getting so emotional over a simple sentence, swallowing
them away with a supreme effort of will that left him feeling dizzy and
lightheaded.
Gerard's words had struck Frank harder than they should, butfuck - it was so
rare that Gerard was like this with him anymore, and Frank was weakened by the
distance between them, desperate for any compliment or affection from the older
man who could bring him to his knees with nothing more than an off handed
comment.
It wasn't as if Gerard was ever cruel to him, but typically he was aloof unless
Frank was intoxicated or he was, and the last time he had been this kind to
Frank was when he had gotten sick after Mikey had brought him back to his and
Gerard's place, which seemed to have happened years ago although in reality it
had only been a few weeks since that night.
"You needed me," Frank finally managed to reply, shifting his position so that
he could sit up with his back propped against the headboard as he spoke, "and
I'm always going to be there when you do."
"You don't know how much that means to me," Gerard admitted quietly, and maybe
Frank imagined it, but it seemed as if he scooted closer to Frank as he spoke.
"Still - I'm sorry you had to see me that way, I should never have gone to
work, or even had that much to drink in the first place, but I obviously wasn't
thinking clearly, and I owe you a hell of a lot for getting me out of there
when you did, and also for not leaving me alone."
"I'm just glad that I was the one to find you - fuck," Frank cursed weakly,
vivid images of what could have happened if Frank hadn't spotted Gerard when he
did flashing across his mind, involving everything from violent car crashes to
him being fired for his deplorable condition flickering behind his lids when he
closed his eyes briefly. "I don't know what I would have done if you had gotten
hurt."
"I know - it was stupid of me, but I didn't know how else to cope..." Gerard
trailed off into silence, his hand finding Frank's underneath the tangled
covers, and when he linked their fingers together loosely, Frank swore his
lungs seized to function for a brief moment, his bodily functions disrupted by
the jolt of adulation that fired throughout every one of his nerve endings. "I
think I need help Frank."
"Yeah?" Frank questioned warily, aware that they were treading on dangerous
ground at the movement. Mikey had warned him that Gerard hated talking about
anything involving his addictions and illnesses, but this time Gerard had
brought it up, and he was peering at Frank with such a hopeful expression that
Frank couldn't find it within himself to be fearful of him. "In what way?"
"I - I just want to be better, like maybe take my pills how I'm supposed to and
not drink as much you know?" Gerard shrugged helplessly, his grip on Frank's
hand tightening by a small fraction. "I don't think I can do it by myself
though, I'll need Mikey to get after me about it...and you, if you're up for
that."
"Of course I am," Frank responded instantly, his heart fluttering erratically
when Gerard began rubbing his thumb over the pulse point in his wrist idly. "I
just want you to be happy, I hate seeing you this way."
"Thank you," Gerard exhaled heavily, his eyes drifting shut as he leaned back
against the pillow. "Don't get upset with me if I don't keep to it though."
"I won't, and at least you're trying, I'm proud of you for that."
"I've attempted this before, and...well, you can see how that worked out,"
Gerard chuckled wryly, but Frank didn't miss the hint of sadness to his tone,
and he hated the way Gerard was already anticipating his failure, even though
he also related to him as well.
"No one expects you to be perfect Gerard," Frank reminded him, biting his lip
to prevent himself from babbling on about how he would always be perfect in his
eyes no matter what, of how much he loved him despite all of his problems, but
that was too much, too heavy, too soon. Frank had only just truly come to
accept his feelings recently, and he was nowhere near ready to voice them aloud
yet.
"I know, but I do need to calm down a bit. I haven't been this bad in a while,
not since...the band." Gerard cleared his throat roughly, his eyes dancing away
from Frank's when he tried to meet his gaze, leaving Frank to stare down at the
lump under the comforter that was their conjoined hands instead. "It's harder
now, it's been so long since I've had to work a normal job, which really
shouldn't set me off, but it's weird you know? I have to teach these kids who
probably have more of a future than I do all while pretending that I'm put
together and knowledgeable when really I'm a wreck. I need the money, and it's
not like I hate what I'm doing, that's not even the main problem, fuck - it's
everything really...but it's mostly my head, and Mikey, and I - I miss you a
lot," Gerard admitted so quietly that Frank had to strain his ears to catch his
last words, his eyes stinging again when he realized that Gerard's current
descent was partially his fault.
"I'm so sorry," Frank choked out, trying his best to mask his emotions so
Gerard wouldn't catch on to his misplaced guilt, "but you know I'm still here
whenever you need me."
"I do know that," Gerard nodded slowly, his chest rising visibly as he inhaled
deeply, "but I think it would be easier for me to turn myself around if you
were my boyfriend again."
"Two more weeks right?" Frank asked nervously, his voice audibly shaking, the
pressure of Gerard's palm in his seeming to overwhelm him all of a sudden even
though it hadn't changed since the initial contact, but the atmosphere had
changed now - it was tense, charged with an energy that Frank couldn't pinpoint
the source of, but it was there nonetheless.
"Yeah," Gerard paused then, his eyes finally meeting Frank's for a brief moment
before they darted away again, "but I was thinking, I mean - this is already
pretty illegal, whether we wait until you're eighteen or not, and in hindsight,
it probably won't matter when we actually make it officially as long as we
don't tell anyone. I still want to wait to do anything physical until your
birthday, just for my peace of mind, which is silly since we've already fucked
but I -"
"Gerard," Frank cut off Gerard's nervous rambling, his spine stiffening and his
eyes widening as he turned on his side so he could be closer to Gerard, "are
you asking me to be your boyfriend again?"
"I am - if that's okay?"
Frank started crying then, taking himself by surprise with the sudden overflow
of emotions, but he couldn't stop them once they had started. An unforeseen
wave of joy filled tears poured out of him as he buried his face in Gerard's
chest, a sob tinged with a laugh bubbling its way through his chest which felt
lighter than it had in ages. Gerard held Frank close as he continued to weep
happily, his long fingered hands petting over Frank's spine until he had
regained his composure.
"You're serious right, like you want us to be together now instead of on my
birthday?" Frank had to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, because this seemed
too good to be true, not that he was complaining, but he couldn't verbalize his
answer until he was certain that this wasn't an elaborate prank his own mind
was playing on him.
Frank had never imagined that this would be the outcome that would follow him
taking Gerard home, he had thought Gerard would thank him for his kindness and
then send him away after he had recuperated, but now Frank was getting
everything he had so desperately been aching for, lending a dreamlike quality
to the event that was unfolding before Frank's eyes like a cheesy movie
starring Gerard and himself.
"I do, I always have - I only broke up with you because I thought it was for
the best, but you haven't moved on, and I'm obviously a mess. I think I'm
finally starting to believe you when you say you don't want anyone but me, and
although I'm still convinced that you'd be better off with someone else, not to
mention we'll have to be really careful, if you're willing to risk so much for
me, then I am too."
"I meant it, I'll always mean it, you're special to me Gerard, and I want to be
with you so badly that it hurts," Frank reiterated, and he would keep saying it
over and over again until Gerard was incapable of doubting him. "I know I lied
and fucked up what we had, but I swear I'll be honest with you from now on,"
Frank added, pleading his case as if his very life was on the line, and in a
way, it felt like it was.
"I know sugar, I understand why you did it. I'm not good with deception, but
I'm starting to trust you again. You told me about your hookup when you didn't
have to, and that meant more to me than any amount of promises you could have
given me, but if I'm being completely honest, I don't think I would have been
able to stay away from you even if I was convinced that you were a liar."
"I'm not, I still regret not telling you sooner, I hated deceiving you," Frank
murmured, and he knew he would never lie to Gerard again. He would tell him
everything about his past if he asked right now without a second thought, from
his mother to his father to what he had for dinner last night and everything in
between. Frank trusted Gerard as well, more than anyone except maybe Pete,
which was a terrifying thing given how much power Gerard had over him, but he
would never judge him, or use the information Frank imparted to him in a
negative fashion, Frank was certain of that.
Now wasn't the time for a random confessional though, Frank would work his way
up to explaining all of that eventually, but at the moment, he wanted to focus
on Gerard's proposition. A part of Frank was still leery, because Gerard had
been the one who was so deadest on waiting until Frank was eighteen before
making anything official between them, and he wasn't sure what had changed.
They were both obviously suffering because of this separation, but that was
nothing new. Still- maybe Gerard had finally reached his breaking point, maybe
Frank meant more to him than he knew, and Gerard needed to repair their bond
before he could begin mending himself. He had said that he would withhold sex
after all, which was the main reason their relationship was illegal since he
couldn't technically consent, but if that was all that had been bothering
Gerard, why hadn't he offered Frank that option in the first place?
Frank wanted to question Gerard, to sift through his mind until he was one
hundred percent positive that Gerard was serious about this, because if he
wasn't, Frank wouldn't be able to handle another break up - it would destroy
him completely, but at the same time, he was too afraid to bring up his queries
in case it made Gerard rethink his impromptu decision, so after a few seconds
of internal deliberation, Frank stayed silent, waiting to see what Gerard would
say next, biting down on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from spilling
his worries aloud.
And in the end, Frank didn't want Gerard to think logically about this, because
nothing about their situation made any iota of sense. They should have parted
ways when they discovered that Gerard was Frank's teacher, but they hadn't.
Something kept them together, an invisible pull that followed no rules of logic
or reason. It was that force that had drawn Frank to Gerard in the first place,
and Frank knew Gerard felt it too, so maybe its strength had worn down Gerard's
initial resolve of waiting until Frank was of consenting age to solidify their
relationship.
"Well good, so now that we have that settled, do you want to be my boyfriend
again?" Gerard spoke up, almost as if he had read Frank's mind and realized
that he needed to hear the question again before he could give his answer, and
as soon as Frank heard the term boyfriend falling from Gerard's lips for the
second time that afternoon, his fears melted away completely, because it didn't
matter why Gerard had changed his mind, not as long as he wanted Frank, and
hedid- Frank could see it in his eyes which were focused and bright, not a hint
of alcohol or any other substance clogging his irises as he gazed up at Frank
steadily.
"Please?" Frank all but whimpered, his limbs trembling noticeably as reality
began to sink in and he finally started to comprehend the fact that this was
actually happening.
Gerard only grinned in response, his expression so relieved and genuine that it
had Frank smiling just by looking at him. Gerard sat up slightly when Frank
failed to say anything else, hooking his arms around Frank's shoulders before
he dragged Frank down until their lips connected for the first time in months,
and fuck - Frank had forgotten how much he loved this, the gentle pressure, the
unbridled affection, everything that had been barred to him was finally free
territory once more, and even if all they did was kiss until his birthday,
Frank couldn't care less right now.
Frank sighed happily against Gerard's mouth, his fingers tangling in the longer
locks of hair at the back of his neck as they continued to kiss lazily, small
jolts of pure joy filling Frank until he was sure he would burst from the
intensity of it all, but he honestly wouldn't mind if this killed him, his
heart could stop right now and he would be just fine with that.
Gerard was finally his again, and more importantly, he was Gerard's. They were
both still broken people, but they were trying to fix that, and two pairs of
hands were better at putting things back together than one. They were going to
be okay, they would make it out of the pit they had both fallen into, Frank
would help Gerard get himself back on track, and maybe in the process, he would
right his own life as well.
***** Turning Mountains Into Molehills *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm sorry these updates are taking me so long.
     I am working two jobs now and it is hard to find time to write but I
     am slowly learning how to juggle everything.
     Thank you for sticking around I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Frank stayed in bed with Gerard for hours, the two of them exchanging soft
kisses and hushed words as they reacquainted themselves with each other after
their long separation.
They kept things chaste per Gerard's request, but even the simple act of having
Gerard's lips against his own was borderline euphoric for Frank after going for
months without.
They rarely moved from Gerard's room, only once getting up to grab something to
eat when Mikey's arrival disrupted their privacy. They had waved off his
apologizes for his absence with secret smiles tugging at their mouths, which
Mikey seemed to notice although he didn't question them about their
uncharacteristic giddiness.
Mikey probably already knew that they had gotten back together anyway, Frank
could tell that Mikey was a very insightful person, and it didn't take an
expert on body language to figure out that they were much more comfortable with
each other than they had been the last time Frank had come over.
Mikey had retired to his room now though, leaving Gerard and Frank free to
resume their affectionate actions without company. Frank was currently snuggled
against Gerard's side at the moment, enjoying the feeling of being held as
Gerard occasionally pressed soft kisses to the crown of Frank's head, the
comfortable silence in the air filling Frank with peace as his eyelids began to
droop slightly.
But although Frank's limbs were filled with a heady languor and his mind was
fogging over with the desire to sleep, his heart was still racing at a hundred
miles a minute, his closeness to Gerard feeling akin to brushing his palm
against a live wire, but instead of a painful shock, Frank was filled with a
surge of love and vitality every time Gerard so much as shifted, his minute
movements resonating deep within Frank, keeping him awake and hyper aware while
somehow still in a peaceful state all at the same time.
Frank didn't understand how their relationship was wrong, it just didn't make
sense to him in this moment. How could something that brought him so much joy
be labeled as illegal, how could something so wonderful and life changing
potentially sentence Gerard to jail?
If Gerard wasn't his teacher, they wouldn't even have a problem, but yet the
world had decided that what they were doing was unacceptable, and as much as
Frank wished he could change that, he knew there was nothing he could do
besides wait for his graduation date.
Frank would miss being able to go out in public with Gerard, but compared to
everything he had gained, it was a small loss. He could always spend time here
at Gerard's apartment, or their spot in the woods, and after the months spent
without Gerard, being able to have the older man's arms around him was akin to
Heaven, even if they had to hide behind closed doors for the time being.
"What are you thinking about?" Gerard whispered, a hot puff of air hitting the
shell of Frank's ear as he spoke, releasing a small shiver down his spine as he
leaned back against Gerard heavily.
"You," Frank answered honestly, a grin overtaking his face when Gerard chuckled
gleefully.
"What about me?" Gerard pressed, his hold on Frank tightening by a small
fraction as he scooted further down on the mattress, dragging Frank with him
until he was practically lying on his chest.
"Mostly just how happy I am that we can do things like this again."
"So am I," Gerard sighed, his nose tickling the back of his neck as he burrowed
against Frank suddenly.
"And you?" Frank asked, because he could tell that something was on Gerard's
mind by the way his muscles had tensed up and his previous relaxed posture and
grown stiff in the past few seconds, the bodily signals saying more than a
thousand words ever could.
And for once, the fact that Gerard seemed nervous and on edge didn't send Frank
into a fit of hysterics, because he had already been through the worst now. He
no longer doubted everything Gerard said, or feared fucking up constantly, how
could he when Gerard was risking everything to be with Frank?
And yes - of course he still worried slightly, but he was beginning to realize
that he and Gerard could work through anything together if they tried, leaving
him at ease and more self-confident than he had been in ages as he waited
patiently for Gerard to answer his question.
"I - um..." Gerard stammered quietly, continuing to hide his face in the crook
of Frank's shoulder, preventing Frank from picking up on any visual clues that
might give him a hint as to what Gerard was currently struggling with, "it's
really nothing, I'm just being silly." Gerard laughed hoarsely, but when Frank
remained silent, he pushed on determinedly. "I guess I'm feeling a bit guilty,
and don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic that you're here, and that you still care
for me, but I can't help but wondering if I'm being selfish you know?"
"In what way?" Frank queried, keeping his voice even and calm as he tried to
catch up with Gerard's rapidly shifting mind, not wanting to allow himself to
jump to conclusions quite yet in case he arrived at the wrong one.
"I was just planning in my head the things I need to do, like get my
prescription renewed, and probably go through my cabinets and throw away the
medicine I've been abusing, maybe even my blades if I could get that far, and I
don't want to do it alone, but I also don't want to burden you with this so
soon."
"But you're not, at least not to me - I wantto help you with this," Frank
reminded Gerard, brushing his cheek lightly with his knuckles when Gerard
lifted his head up slightly.
"I know, and I believe you, so I shouldn't feel bad about it, but then I
started thinking about how I'm your first boyfriend, and how you practically
babysit me more often than not, and don't take this wrong, I'm not retracting
my earlier statement, and I do want this relationship, but I also don't want to
be unfair to you, and I just want you to know that if at any point I became too
much, or you get frustrated with me, that's okay...I'll understand,honestly."
"Hey...I don't like you thinking like that okay?" Frank murmured gently,
tilting Gerard's chin up with two of his fingers so he was looking directly
into his eyes. "I want this okay, I want you, and I'm not going into this
blind. I understand that you are going to struggle with your addictions, and
that doesn't scare me off. I'm going to stand by your side through it all, and
in case you haven't noticed, I'm not the most emotionally stable person either,
but we can work on that together yeah?"
"I'd like that," Gerard smiled, leaning forward until his lips grazed against
Frank's briefly before sitting back in his previous position. "I think I just
needed to hear you say it again. I'm building up the courage to call my doctor
soon and you are very good at boosting it."
"Well I'll keep repeating it as often as you need," Frank beamed, "and I know I
already said this before, but I am really proud of you."
"See- right there you did it again," Gerard giggled. "It's almost crazy how
good you are at dragging me out of my head."
"I consider it one of my best skills," Frank teased, an answering laugh
bubbling out of his chest when Gerard continued to chuckle happily. "Seriously
though, I am in this for the long run, I'm not going to take off after waiting
for so long to get you back," Frank added on, knowing that the extra
reassurance would be helpful although Gerard seemed sufficiently calmed
already.
"You really are perfect," Gerard mumbled before dragging Frank back in for
another kiss without giving him a chance to respond to the compliment that
always had his stomach fluttering and his heart bursting with joy.
Frank gasped happily when Gerard slipped his tongue past Frank's lips,
exploring his mouth carefully as Frank clutched at his sides to ground himself.
Frank couldn't help but groan when Gerard tilted him onto his back, his larger
frame hovering over Frank in a way that made him feel protected and desired all
at once.
It was difficult for Frank not to push things further, especially as the kiss
lengthened and drew out, leaving him progressively more needy as each minute
ticked by, but Frank wanted to respect Gerard's wishes, and he didn't want to
insinuate anything that the older man would regret later on, so even though his
cock was beginning to swell and his body was begging for attention, Frank made
himself stay still, letting Gerard set the pace no matter how much it pained
him.
Just when Frank was getting completely absorbed in the slick sounds their
mouths were making and the heavy pressure of Gerard's torso pushing against his
waist, his phone rang, snapping them both out of the world which only involved
the two of them much to Frank's disappointment.
"Fuck," Frank groaned as he pulled away, praying that it was just Pete phoning
him so he could ignore it and return to Gerard, but when he grabbed his phone
off of the dresser it had been lying on, it was his mother's name that stared
back at him. "I have to take this," Frank apologized, sitting up once Gerard
rolled back onto his side of the bed with a soft pout painted across his face.
"Hey Mom," Frank spoke softly once he had pressed the answer button, his
stomach churning uncomfortably when the other end of the line remained silent.
Some of his unease ebbed when Gerard tangled his fingers through Frank's free
hand as if he couldn't bear to not be touching him for more than a few seconds,
and the physical contact helped Frank find his voice even when his throat began
to dry up and his limbs started to tremble. "Are you there?"
"I am," his mother snapped coldly, causing Frank to sink down against the
mattress as if he could somehow hide from her fury if he made himself small
enough, "and I just got a message from your school saying that you didn't
attend any of your classes today."
All of the air left Frank's lungs when he realized that he had spent so long
with Gerard that he hadn't taken any time to think up a plausible excuse for
his absence, which he really should have done earlier while Gerard was
sleeping, but so many things had happened this morning that his mind had been
otherwise occupied, leaving him defenseless against his mother's onslaught.
"I ...I was going to -"
"Don't try and lie to me Frank," his mother cut him off mid-sentence, her anger
emitting through the speakers of the device pressed to Frank's ear, its
palpable presence wrapping around Frank in a constricting manner that had him
shaky and out of breath within seconds. "I want you home now, we can talk about
it when you get here."
"Okay," Frank promised, his tone quiet and defeated as he tried not to sniffle
audibly. "I'll be there soon."
"Good," was all his mother said before she hung up, leaving Frank in a daze as
he slowly put his phone down, his eyes stinging with unshed tears even though
he wasn't all that upset, he was more disappointed in himself than anything.
Frank hated when his mother became cross with him, although there were worse
things, she was lucid today obviously, she had remembered his name and even
checked the answering machine apparently, which was actually a very positive
sign since Frank had to all but force her to complete simple tasks lately, but
it was just his luck that she had happened to have a good day the one time that
Frank almost wished she hadn't.
Still, Frank didn't regret what he had done, how could he when the end result
has been him getting Gerard back? He should have planned out a viable excuse
though, and he probably should have been home before his mother returned from
work so he could play it off like he had been feeling ill or something like
that, but it was too late to take back his actions now, and the hours spent
with Gerard were more than worth the scolding Frank was sure to receive later
on.
"Everything okay Frankie?" Gerard asked when Frank remained silent, tugging
Frank against his side gently as he spoke, the reassuring warmth that instantly
flowed into Frank following the small action loosening the bands of tensions
that had been pressing down against Frank's chest, allowing him to breathe
properly again for the first time in a few minutes.
"Yeah," Frank nodded, wrapping his arms around Gerard's waist when Gerard
cocked one eyebrow at him in a disbelieving manner, "my mom is just pissed that
I missed classes today, but she'll get over it soon."
"Shit - I'm so sorry," Gerard exhaled heavily, "I can get the absence excused,
at least in my class, I don't know if that will help at all though."
"It's okay Gerard - really," Frank smiled, burrowing closer to Gerard to show
that he truly was fine with it. "I think I'm going to tell her that I wasn't
feeling well, so I had Pete pick me up and I ended up staying at his house. She
won't like it, but it's believable at least."
"I really do feel bad Frank," Gerard murmured, "but at the same time, I
wouldn't have traded today for the world, but I can talk to the attendance
office and see what I can do."
"Don't worry about it." Frank waved Gerard off, because now that he was no
longer on the phone with his mother, his earlier fear and guilt was already
slipping away. "That might look a bit suspicious anyway since you weren't at
school today either, and one unexcused absence isn't going to kill me, but I
probably should get home before she works herself into a frenzy."
"I wish you didn't have to go," Gerard groaned, his facing falling slightly
when Frank pushed himself vertical once more, although he made no move to get
off the bed just yet. "Call me later yeah?"
"Of course," Frank giggled, leaning down to steal one more hurried kiss from
Gerard that elongated a bit more than Frank had originally planned, not that he
was complaining.
When Frank finally found the will to pull away, his lips were swollen and his
hair was mussed up, and Gerard was in a similar state. Frank grinned widely
when Gerard gazed up at him with wide pupils, a look of adoration crossing over
his face when Frank slowly backed off the edge of the mattress, maintaining eye
contact with Gerard the entire time.
"Do you want me to drive you home?" Gerard offered when Frank bent down to pull
on his shoes, breaking the calming spell they had both been trapped in by
removing his gaze from Gerard.
"I can walk, it's fine, besides, I'm pretty sure we'll end up doing that a few
more times and I'll be even later than I already am."
Frank's heart swelled when Gerard laughed in agreement, because they were
joking together just like they used to. All of the tension and insecurities
that had been hovering between the two of them for the past few months had been
completely eradicated in the space of a few hours, and fuck - Frank had missed
his relationship with Gerard even more than he had realized, making each minute
thing carry a special significance that it hadn't contained before, but now
Frank appreciated everything from Gerard's expulsion of mirth to the way his
arms felt when Gerard got up and pulled Frank into a gentle embrace.
"I'll miss you," Gerard whispered, "and thank you for giving me another chance,
for being here when I needed you most, for everything really."
"Stop thanking me," Frank scoffed playfully, although Gerard's words had him
much more emotional than he was willing to admit, "in fact, I should be saying
that to you, so thank you for taking me back despite everything, thank you for
caring enough to risk so much to be with me."
"I should have done it sooner honestly," Gerard mumbled into Frank's hair,
"I've missed you so much."
"I'm here now," Frank assured him, pulling Gerard close when he shuddered
softly, "and I'm not going anywhere - well, I am right now, but you get my
point."
"Fuck - I'm keeping you all to myself again aren't I?" Gerard chuckled as he
reluctantly released Frank from his tight hold. "Let me know how it goes with
your mom."
"I will," Frank hedged, unwilling to leave Gerard's side just yet, but knowing
that he had to soon or he would have to be bodily dragged out of here.
This was going to be a constant struggle for Frank, because even though Gerard
was his first priority, his mother was important too, and Frank wanted to see
her while she was in a decent state, even if she was simply going to yell at
him for skipping class. He couldn't completely ignore his other
responsibilities for Gerard, he knew that, but fuck - Frank was so tempted to
pretend like the outside world didn't exist so he could spend the rest of the
evening with Gerard.
He didn't though, and after a few more brief kisses, Frank finally made his way
out of Gerard's apartment and in the direction of his home, and as hard as it
was to say goodbye to Gerard, Frank still felt light and overjoyed, because
this wasn't forever, he didn't have to worry about when he would see Gerard
next, or if he would even want to speak to him tomorrow anymore.
Those worries were hopefully behind him, and yes - Frank did have plenty of
other problems on his plate, but with Gerard as his boyfriend again, the
mountain had shrunken down to an easily dealt with molehill that no longer
weighed Frank down at all times.
~~~
"I just don't understand why you didn't call me, you didn't have to go spend
the day with Pete. For all you know, your might have gotten him sick now as
well."
Frank bit his lip as his mother continued to chastise him, trying to hide his
growing frustration as he repeated his hastily constructed lie for the third
time.
"Because you were at work mom, and I know you don't have a lot of vacation
hours left. I'm fine now anyway, it was just a stomach ache, and I think it was
more nerves than anything else."
Frank had concocted the story that he had thrown up right before school
started, most likely because of an imaginary test that he had made up on the
spot to explain why he had chosen to take the day off to supposedly study with
Pete.
It wasn't the best excuse in the world, but it was all he could come up with on
such short notice. Unfortunately, his mother wasn't pleased with his
explanation, leaving him trapped underneath her steely gaze while she paced
around the kitchen in frustration.
"I just...I'm not upset you with for being ill, you know that right honey?"
Frank nodded mutely, waiting for his mother to continue her tirade. "I'm only
worried about you, it's your senior year after all, and missing a test is very
serious, not to mention I'm sure you didn't get much work done at Pete's, you
would have been much more productive here."
"I'm sorry Mom, I won't do it again okay?" Frank apologized again, sensing his
mother's anger wearing thin, which was proved by her actions when she sunk into
the chair next to him a second later.
Frank exhaled in relief when his mother didn't add an anything else, although
he wasn't sure what else she could say. She had been chastising him for the
past half hour, and even if Frank didn't enjoy being in trouble, or seeing his
mother in any sort of distress, especially when he was the cause of it, the
attention from the typically distant woman had been actually enjoyable.
So instead of escaping up to his bedroom like he usually would after a
scolding, Frank decided to stay in the kitchen and soak up whatever time he had
with his mother while she was this coherent, looking in the cabinets for
something to make for dinner which were actually filled for once since he had
gone shopping recently.
"You're growing up so fast," his mother hummed under her breath after a long
period of nothing except the pattering of Frank's feet, her heavy lidded eyes
meeting his for a brief moment before she looked back down at her lap. "It's
like you're not my little boy anymore."
"I still am Mom, I always will be," Frank assured her, pulling her into a brief
one armed hug before returning to the package of pasta that he had been
attempting to open. "Does spaghetti sound good?"
"See what I mean?" his mother continued, not answering his query which Frank
took to mean that whatever he cooked would be fine with her. "You make the
majority of our meals, you do the shopping, it's like you're the adult and I'm
the child now."
Frank stiffened as he poured the hard noodles into a pan, wondering if this
would be a good time to discuss his mother's mental state with her while she
seemed so aware of herself. It needed to be brought up eventually before she
got worse, but Frank was selfish, and he didn't want to ruin one of the few
decent conversations they had partaken in lately by bringing up a topic that
was sure to cause his mother to shut down instantly.
"It's fine Mom, and I'm still your kid, I'm just old enough to help you with
things now," Frank shrugged, although he knew that most seventeen year olds
didn't have to deal with the things he did on a daily basis, but he was getting
better at handling his mother's oddities, and he was keeping them afloat - for
now at least.
"Do ever wish you could turn back time?"
His mother's question had Frank starting slightly since she had once again
lapsed into silence, his hand slipping as he added water to the pot, a few
drops splattering across the counter before he righted the cup once more.
Frank didn't reply straight away, because he wasn't sure what to say. Two days
ago he would have agreed wholeheartedly, but now he wasn't so sure. As much as
he looked back fondly on the past, as much as he missed his father, as much as
he'd like to return to the carefree boy he'd once been, it was the future that
now held hope for him, because it held Gerard and the potential for a happy
life with him at the center of it.
Once Frank graduated, if they even made it that far, Frank would be free to
show the world how much Gerard meant to him, and even closer than that, Frank
had tomorrow to look forward to, because he would be able to see Gerard without
his heart twisting in pain, even tonight held the promise of his voice waiting
for him once Frank got the chance to call him. Those little things had Frank
content with his place in the world for the first time in months, and he didn't
think he would trade them for anything.
"No - I wouldn't," Frank finally answered, "change scares me of course, and
sometimes the idea seems appealing yeah, but overall, I'm starting to see that
everything happens for a reason, and if we keep trying to live in the past,
we'll never get to experience what's waiting for us if we don't look ahead
every now and then."
"When did you get so wise?" his mother grinned ruefully, her slippered feet
touching the floor as she got up and made her way to the fridge.
"I learned it in school, which I do attend ninety-nine percent of the time,"
Frank teased, earning himself a playful scoff from his mother as she poured
herself a glass of juice.
"You better," his mother winked, motioning to the cartoon to ask if Frank
wanted some as well, which he gladly accepted.
And for the first time in weeks, Frank sat down with his mother as they shared
their meal, and although they had eaten together on many nights, this was
different, because his mother was present, she was engaged, they were sharing
stories and talking like they used to.
Of course Frank couldn't bring up the things that were truly important to him
like Gerard, but that was fine given that his mother was rarely willing to
participate in any sort of discussion with him lately.
And even if this wouldn't last, because it never did, Frank chose to enjoy the
present, finding joy in his mother's laugh and her genuine smile for as long as
he could before they were ripped away from him once more.
~~~
Frank grinned as he closed the door to his room behind him firmly, all but
diving for his phone which he had left charging on his desk earlier.
As much as he had loved spending time with his mother, Frank was already
desperate to speak with Gerard again, and now that his mother had gone to bed,
he finally had the privacy he needed to talk to his boyfriend in peace.
Frank dialed his familiar number eagerly, crawling under his blankets as the
traditional ring started to sound in his ears. Frank had only gotten himself
halfway covered when the line picked up, meaning that Gerard had most likely
been waiting for Frank's call, which only had Frank smiling even harder.
"Hey sugar," Gerard greeted him, leaving Frank shivering slightly at the pet
name that seemed to always affect him no matter how often he heard it. "How did
it go with your mom?"
"Actually not that bad. I mean - she was mad at me of course, but once she
calmed down, we actually had a nice chat."
"That's good," Gerard sighed audibly, his expulsion of relief filling Frank
with small bubbles of joy when he realized that Gerard had truly been worried
about him. "I really do feel bad that I got you in trouble though."
"Well don't, I told you it would be fine, and it was," Frank giggled, shifting
himself into a more comfortable position as he prepared himself for what he was
going to say next.
Frank hadn't been planning on doing this so soon, but after giving it some
serious thought while washing the dishes, Frank had decided to tell Gerard
about his mother's condition, although Frank still was clueless on what it
actually was.
Still - he didn't want to keep things from Gerard anymore, even personal
information that he hadn't asked for, and sooner or later, Frank might need to
turn to Gerard for comfort on one of her bad days, so he would rather explain
his home situation now while he was in a pleasant mood and not on the verge of
tears with nowhere to go if she ended up kicking him out again.
"You got quiet...everything okay?" Gerard asked, picking up on Frank's emotions
just like he always did, which gave Frank the courage to expose this part of
his life that he so rarely shared with anyone.
"Yeah...actually, I just wanted to tell you a bit more about my mom." Frank
drew in a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever reaction he was going to
receive from his boyfriend, keeping his finger crossed that it wouldn't be a
negative one. "She's - well, I don't know exactly what is wrong with her, but I
think she has some mental health issues. I started noticing them when my dad
left, and ever since then, they've been getting progressively worse."
Gerard stayed silent, giving Frank permission to speak freely, so he did,
explaining all of his mother's quirks from her moodiness, to how she rarely
took care of herself anymore, much less Frank, of how she was on thin ice at
work after missing so many days, of how she often mistook Frank for his father,
or sometimes didn't recognize him at all - everything, and although he paused
and stuttered during his recitation several times, he made it through without
stopping, and much to his surprise, he felt noticeably lighter when he was
done, as if another of his burdens had lifted once he had found the courage to
share it.
"Frank...I - I don't know what to say, that sounds awful," Gerard gasped when
Frank finally trailed off, his voice free of the pity that Frank so despised,
his tone filled with caring and compassion instead.
"It's not all bad, and I'm learning to deal with it, but I just wanted you to
be aware of it in case something happens again and I need a place to stay or
whatever. I usually crash with Pete, but just...I guess I felt like you should
know that about me - fuck, I don't know, I never talk about this really," Frank
chuckled weakly, threading his fingers through his hair nervously as he spoke.
This was harder to do than Frank thought it would be, and a part of him wished
he had waited to tell Gerard in person, but he probably would have talked
himself out of it if he had postponed his confession another day.
"And your dad is out of the picture entirely, he doesn't know what's going on
with her?"
"No, I haven't seen him since I was fifteen, no phone calls, nothing," Frank
shrugged, ignoring the painful twist in his stomach that always emerged
whenever he thought of his absent father.
"Well Frank, I know it isn't really my place, and there isn't much I can do
while I'm your teacher, but if you ever need help, I'm here for you, and I
don't mean just a place to stay, you always have that, but if she gets worse,
or she loses her job, I can try and step in. I'll do some research if you want,
maybe speak to my doctor and see if he has any patients with similar symptoms,
whatever you need, just know that you aren't alone in this."
Gerard's words were so sincere and heartfelt that Frank found himself choking
up suddenly, his eyes welling over with tears that he hadn't realized he was
holding back until just now.
Gerard somehow knew exactly what to say just when Frank needed to hear it most,
he hadn't told him that he needed to commit his mother, which was something he
wasn't sure if he wanted to do just yet, if ever, he had just given Frank
someone to turn to if things got too bad, and Frank was so fucking grateful for
that pillar of support.
Gerard trusted Frank to take care of this in his own way, he wasn't telling
Frank what to do or how he should do it, but he was giving him more options, he
was making Frank feel in control of his life, which was a sensation that Frank
so rarely experienced, and although Frank was aware that there was little
Gerard could actually do to interfere without rousing suspicions, it didn't
really matter, Frank probably wouldn't even ask that of him anyway, but it was
the comfort he received from his sentiment that meant everything to him.
"Thank you Gerard, that - just thank you," Frank sniffled quietly, wrapping his
free arm around himself in a parody of how Gerard had held him earlier.
"Of course sugar, and I'm really glad you told me all this, I know it wasn't
easy for you."
"I feel better now that I did," Frank admitted, "no one really knows besides
Pete, I don't want anyone at school finding out in case they try to send her
away you know?"
"Yeah I understand," Gerard hummed. "It makes a lot of sense now that I think
about it actually."
"What does?" Frank questioned, unsure of what Gerard meant by his vague
statement.
"Well I always wondered how you were so good at dealing with me during my...uh
- episodes I guess. It took Mikey ages to figure out what set me off and what
didn't, but you seemed to just know, and hearing about your mother made it all
click for me."
"You're not like her though," Frank protested, although he did see Gerard's
point, and he probably wouldn't have reacted so well to certain aspects of
Gerard's personality if he didn't live with his mother, but he didn't want to
admit that aloud.
"Maybe not identical, no, but I'm exactly mentally stable either," Gerard
responded wistfully, and fuck - Frank wanted to kiss him until the sad cast
from his voice was eradicated completely, but he couldn't do that while he was
trapped in his room, so his words would have to do.
"It's not the same Gerard, stop thinking like that - please?" Frank begged,
because he knew how Gerard's mind worked, and he was certain that Gerard was
feeling like a burden to Frank once more when he was anything but.
"I'm sorry - it's just...you're dealing with so much already, and I wish I
wasn't one of those things, I want to be normal, but I don't think I ever have
been."
"You're perfect Gerard," Frank whispered, daring to use the compliment that he
knew Gerard didn't typically receive well, but he was unable to think of any
other word to describe him, sincerely bleeding from his tone and hopefully into
Gerard, although it was hard to tell without visual confirmation. "I mean it,
I'm not just saying it to make you feel better. I wouldn't change anything
about you, so even if you don't like the way you are, I do."
"Fucking hell Frank, I - you know I don't like that word, it's not true."
Gerard didn't sound distraught though, in fact, it almost sounded as if he was
biting back a smile, and Frank knew he had chosen the right adjective even if
Gerard was still resistant to it.
"Like I said, you don't have to believe it, but I think you are, and my
conviction is strong enough for the both of us."
"One day I'm going to find out that you're someone I dreamed up, I swear to
god," Gerard laughed lightly, the sound leaving Frank giddy and overjoyed at
the fact that he had successfully managed to derail Gerard's unhealthy train of
thought before it had spiraled out of control.
"Well if that's the case, then can you imagine me as a bit older without school
or work to worry about because that would be great."
"I'll get right on that," Gerard chuckled warmly, and Frank could all but see
his eyes crinkling up the way they always did when Gerard was truly happy.
"Speaking of school, I'm sure you have homework that you should be doing right
now."
"Oh god, don't go all teacher on me," Frank groaned, but Gerard was correct in
his assumption, and with the makeup assignment that Frank would have to
complete tomorrow, he really needed to get ahead while he had the chance, "but
how about we make a deal, I'll start it if you stay on the line with me for a
bit."
"I see no downfall to that plan," Gerard agreed, "you better not let me
distract you though."
"No promises," Frank teased, reluctantly getting up to retrieve his texts books
as Gerard kept him company with his voice, his schoolwork appearing almost
appealing as long as Gerard continued to ramble to him during them.
Everything seemed easier when Gerard was added into the equation, from his
assignments, to dealing with his mother, basically all aspects of his life had
greatly improved now that Gerard was a part of it once again.
Frank had no idea how he had survived for so long without the older man, but
somehow he had done it, and he hoped he would never have to experience another
separation from him ever again.
 
***** Happy Birthday To Frank *****
Chapter Notes
     I've been a bit ill lately so writing is taking me much longer than
     it usually does but I'm still doing my best to update everything
     thanks for being patient with me xx
Life with Gerard compared to carrying on without him was a never ending study
of startling contrasts which absolutely fascinated Frank, because everything
had changed now that Gerard was his boyfriend again in the best way possible,
but it seemed that he was the only one who noticed it.
On the surface, everything was the same, and that was all anyone saw, so even
if Frank was smiling more often, or paying better attention in class, it wasn't
a noteworthy attitude shift, and if a bystander had been asked if something was
different with Frank lately, they would have most likely said no.
The only people who were aware that Gerard and Frank had gotten back together
were Ryan, Brendon, and Pete, the latter of which Frank had been nervous about
telling since he'd been afraid of recreating the uncomfortable tension that
they'd only recently worked through, but Pete had seemed fine, and Frank had
downplayed his excitement by a fair margin, but he'd still wanted Pete to share
in this with him even if they had conflicting views on his relationship.
But besides those three, no one else was able to see underneath Frank's skin,
no one knew about the core of contentment that Frank harbored within him, the
sensation growing every time he awoke to a "good morning" text from Gerard or
he spied his car parked a few blocks away so he could drive him closer to the
school, saving Frank from the uncomfortable bus ride he would have had to
endure otherwise even if Gerard had to drop him off a few blocks away so they
wouldn't be seen arriving together.
But those occurrences, as simple as they were, meant the world to Frank. Each
quick kiss and endearment energized him for hours afterward, making the stress
of homework coupled with his shifts at the restaurant that much easier to bear
until almost nightly Frank dozed off with a smile on his face instead of tears
in his eyes.
Frank couldn't truly explain with words how being Gerard's again had improved
so much, because when he truly took a step back and observed their relationship
with a critical eye, he had to admit that it wasn't what he'd envisioned the
few times he had entertained the idea of actually having a proper boyfriend.
Still, it was incredible nonetheless; Frank compared it to looking through the
other side of a mirror, because he was still him, he still had all of his
burdens and old wounds marring his insides, but he was seeing things with a new
set of eyes, the shadows that had been obscuring his vision for so long had
finally been lifted, allowing him to view the potential his existence held
instead of only the darkness and the hopelessness that had been such a
prevalent part of him until Gerard had come along.
Frank didn't actually even see Gerard all that often, definitely with much less
frequency than he had during the summer, but they were both busy after all.
Frank had to balance his responsibilities as a student along with making sure
that he was setting aside time for his mother and Pete even if he'd love
nothing more than to spend all of his free moments with Gerard, and Gerard had
papers to grade and Mikey to look after not to mention appointments that he was
actually going to now much to Frank's relief, so it was to be expected that
they'd be apart more often than not, especially since the only place they could
truly be together was Gerard's apartment.
They made up for it with texts though and so many phone calls that Frank began
making sure that he hid the phone bill from his mother just in case she
remarked on his sudden spike of activity. He could always brush it off as a new
friend he'd made at school if he was caught of course, but it was better to
avoid rousing his mother's suspicions entirely, not that she'd ever imagine he
was using all of his minutes to speak with his teacher even if she did find
out.
But as much as Frank adored Gerard's messages and hearing his voice, the best
occasions by far were when Frank was able to spend a few hours with Gerard in
his place which was quickly becoming a second home to Frank, and even if he had
to wait until his mother was asleep so he could sneak off, and although he was
always exhausted and half dead on his feet the next day, it was always worth it
when he got to feel Gerard's lips on his, when Gerard would hold him close and
murmur how much he missed him.
Gerard seemed to be doing better too, he was drinking less at least, he was
turning to Frank when he got overwhelmed or frustrated instead of the bottle,
he'd even asked Frank to help him clean up his room the other evening, telling
Frank to dispose of certain pill bottles that he'd been abusing which had
Frank's chest swelling with pride and adoration, because Gerard was trying to
mend himself, his words hadn't been false promises, and although Frank knew
that Gerard was going to continue to experience a wide range of ups and downs,
that was something Frank was prepared to deal with, and it was so much easier
to help Gerard now that he was no longer attempting to shut him out.
Frank craved more though, of course he did, it was only a natural thing when he
was forced to sit in class with Gerard a few feet away and pretend that he was
just another teacher, when had to head home to make sure his mother ate before
maybe getting the chance to see Gerard, when he had to sleep early so he
wouldn't be too tired for a test the next day, cutting their phone call short
even though Frank wasn't even remotely tired.
Frank wished they were closer in age, or that Gerard wasn't in a position of
authority so their relationship would truly be legal the moment he turned
eighteen. He missed feeling Gerard's hands on every inch of his bare skin
instead of just his face, he'd love to be able to eat dinner in public with
Gerard instead of having to get takeout so they could retreat back to the
safety of a closed door, but honestly, those were paltry things that would come
with time, and even if they didn't, Frank was happy - truly happy, so all of
the events that were barred to them failed to bother him, they were more of an
annoyance than anything else.
And before Frank knew it, the day he was waiting for arrived - Halloween,
better known as his birthday. Everything wasn't going to be perfect once he was
eighteen of course, it never would be probably. Frank was starting to realize
that, but he didn't need it to be, he just needed Gerard, and the fact that
they were one step closer to being able to properly be with each other had
Frank thrumming with excitement from the moment he woke up, and even the fact
that his mother didn't recognize him that morning wasn't able to put a dent in
his joyful mood.
Unfortunately for Frank, his birthday fell on a Friday this year, which meant
he still had to attend classes, but since Gerard would be there, he didn't mind
all that much, especially since all he'd desired for his birthday was to spend
time with the older man, which he would be able to do later on since he'd made
sure that he didn't have to work this evening.
Frank had insisted that he didn't want Gerard to do anything special for him,
simply being with him was enough, and okay - Frank was maybe hoping that Gerard
would be thinking along the same lines as he was, which for lack of a better
term were all very sexual, but could you blame him? Frank missed sex a lot,
especially given how much of it he used to have and how amazing being with
Gerard in that fashion was, so being able to finally sleep with him again was
the best present he could ever receive.
Gerard had been reluctant to agree, but he'd finally given in when Frank had
refused to kiss him for the rest of the evening until he promised that he
wouldn't buy Frank anything, or throw him any sort of party, which was more of
a punishment for him than anything, but it had worked, and even if Frank felt a
bit guilty for preventing Gerard from going all out, and maybe a small part of
him wouldn't mind being spoiled by his boyfriend, he didn't want Gerard to
spend money on him, and any sort of get together would be a sad affair given
the fact that Frank's only friend was Pete and Frank was nervous about having
both him and Gerard in the same room.
Pete was already a bit miffed that Frank wasn't going to be spending his
birthday with him, although Frank had hung out with him just last night, but
still - it was a tradition for Frank to sleep over at his house on Halloween
for the past few years, and Frank could tell his friend was bothered by the
lack of it, even though he had smiled weakly at Frank and said it was his
special day after all so he could do whatever he wanted on it.
Frank would make sure to see Pete later on this weekend though, and honestly,
he didn't want to think about his disappointed friend on the first birthday
he'd been looking forward to since his father left, so he pushed all traces of
negativity from his mind, getting dressed quickly before turning on his phone
only to see a message from Gerard that had been sent at exactly midnight.
"Happy birthday Frankie xxx"
It was a simple text, but the fact that Gerard had kept himself awake just to
make sure he could send it on the thirty-first had Frank grinning broadly,
especially since he knew that Gerard had to be up even earlier than usual for a
teacher's meeting or something like that, which also meant that he couldn't
drive Frank to school today, but Frank didn't care. He would see him in class
after all, and since it was a Friday, they would have the entire night to spend
with each other. That was enough to have Frank in motion, all dredges of sleep
sloughing off of him as he dressed hurriedly so he could begin his day that
much quicker.
And it didn't matter that Frank's mother didn't wish him happy birthday before
leaving for work, it wasn't like he was expecting it when she barely even
seemed to register that he was there, or that Pete hadn't texted him yet either
although he had to be awake by now since he had class as well, because Frank
was done wallowing. He couldn't change the bad things in his life, he couldn't
fix everything, but he could enjoy the positive aspects he was blessed with,
and he was determined to do that today.
~~~
Frank's anticipation regarding his birthday didn't reach its pinnacle until it
was almost over, because he wasn't able to get away from his other
responsibilities until almost half past nine in the evening. As much as he'd
wanted to go to Gerard's directly after class let out, the urge only
intensified by the short note Gerard had slipped onto his desk along with his
homework from last night wishing him a happy birthday again, Frank couldn't
leave his mother to fend for herself, not after she'd been in such a bad state
this morning.
Frank had let Gerard know this through text, not trusting himself enough to
impart the information in person mostly because he knew once he started
speaking with Gerard he'd convince himself that his mother could survive on her
own for one night. Gerard had encouraged Frank to take all the time that he
needed, saying that he had a few last minute preparations to make anyway, which
had Frank on edge in regards to what he was planning, but he decided to leave
it be for now.
Frank had done the right thing by returning home first though, because when
Frank's mother had made her way through the front door, she'd been practically
comatose, not responding to words or touch, it even got to the point where
Frank was worried that he was going to have to force feed her at one point.
But eventually, she'd finished her dinner and allowed Frank to lead her to bed,
and once her breathing had evened out to a steady pattern which assured Frank
she was asleep, he'd all but run to Gerard's place, responding to Pete's
belated birthday message as he left, satisfied that everything was tied up as
well as it could be for the time being only to spy the man himself waiting for
him outside the apartment complex in his car.
Gerard had pulled Frank into the vehicle before he'd had the chance to properly
greet him, steadfastly ignoring the numerous questions Frank had thrown his
way, silencing him with a quick kiss that Frank was all too happy to receive.
And now Frank found himself outside, not to mention blindfolded, his nails
digging into Gerard's forearm in an attempt to keep his balance as Gerard led
him into the woods, the gesture, although endearing, leaving Frank a bit
frustrated since all he'd wanted to do was kiss Gerard and maybe more, not take
a hike.
"Do I really have to wear this?" Frank complained after stumbling roughly -
again might he add, which was an act that was quickly getting tiresome after
the fifth occurrence or so.
"Yes you do." Frank could tell Gerard was smirking although he couldn't see it,
the expression was evident in his smug tone, but he did sling his arm around
Frank's waist, making almost falling on his face every time he took a step a
bit more appealing since it provided him with the opportunity to lean against
Gerard's side.
"It's not like I don't know where we are going," Frank continued to argue more
for the sake of filling the silence than anything else, but it was obvious that
Gerard was taking him back to their spot, Frank highly doubted that Gerard knew
of any other places outdoors that Frank would be at all interested in.
"True, but it's still a surprise, and I'm not going to let you ruin it for
yourself."
"You're ridiculous," Frank grumbled fondly, shifting closer to Gerard as they
continued to walk forward at a steady pace, or as near to one as Frank could
maintain without his vision. "When I run into a tree and get a concussion, I
expect you to care for me the entire time," Frank teased, enjoying Gerard's
exasperated huff as well as the way he tightened his hold around Frank
minutely.
"Fine, maybe I'll just take you home then and you won't get to see the present
I've worked so hard to put together for you." Gerard tried to nail an offended
tone, but Frank easily saw through it to the mirth bubbling beneath the
surface.
"Well there is a bed there," Frank grinned cheekily, "so I don't see a problem
with that." Frank couldn't help but to not so vaguely point out how he'd really
wanted to spend this evening, although doing anything with Gerard was lovely,
but Frank had gone without sex for months, and he wasn't embarrassed to admit
that he was getting a bit desperate for it.
"Teenagers," Gerard scoffed, "always thinking with their dicks."
"Like you're any better old man," Frank shot back, swallowing down the peals of
laughter that were tickling at his throat insistently. "You honestly can't tell
me that you're not dying to fuck me again."
Gerard chuckled deeply then, the joyful sound melding with the air before it
seeped into Frank's blood stream, leaving him giddy and ecstatic at the fact
that they could joke around in this fashion, that they had gone from awkward
drunken phone calls and doing their best not to stare at each other excessively
during school hours to a comfortable relationship in the span of two short
weeks, which was what Frank had been hoping would happen of course, but it
still hadn't prepared him for how wonderful being with Gerard again truly was.
"With the way you're acting, it's a good thing I did bring you out here then
since Mikey's home, and I'm not in the mood to try and keep you quiet tonight,"
Gerard spoke once he had contained his giggles, leaving Frank shuddering softly
at his words. Having sex in the woods didn't sound all that comfortable
honestly, but Frank was more than willing to try it, especially if it meant he
got to be as loud as he wanted. "We're here," Gerard announced suddenly,
snapping Frank out of his filthy thoughts and back into the present, his skin
tingling slightly as Gerard gently removed the blindfold from around his eyes,
his touch lingering maybe a bit longer than was necessary, but Frank wasn't at
all inclined to complain.
And when Gerard stepped to the side, giving Frank an unobstructed view of the
clearing which was so familiar to him, that was no their spot, Frank found his
lungs tightening in his chest and his eyes welling with tears as he drank in
the change of scenery that Frank had not been expecting.
In hindsight, it was nothing to get emotional over really; Gerard had simply
set up a large tent in the center of the meadow, the sides of which had been
tied open to reveal a plethora of blankets and pillows on the inside.
Surrounding the structure was an abundance of small lanterns that gave their
location a cherry glow, highlighting the way the grass swayed in the gentle
breeze as well as the look of awe that Frank could feel his face morphing into.
"Gerard...this is," Frank had to pause to suck in a deep breath, hating the way
his voice was shaking so much it sounded as if he was on the verge of tears,
which he wasn't, not really, he was just a bit overcome by the affectionate
gesture was all, "it's perfect."
And it really was, because material possessions meant nothing to Frank, but
Gerard had managed to give him a true gift by enhancing a place that meant so
much to him, by filling it with another wonderful memory to bury the painful
ones, by taking him out in the only way he really could to a location where
Frank could be himself, where Frank could be with Gerard and have no one judge
him, and honestly, that was the best birthday present in the world.
"Guess you don't want to go back home now?" Gerard smirked happily, his lips
hovering near the back of Frank's neck as he crowded close behind him, his
fingers settling on Frank's hip bones loosely as Frank continued to gap at the
setup that must have taken Gerard most of the evening to pull off. "You really
like it though, and be honest with me. I know it's a bit underwhelming, but
with you being so stubborn about me not getting you anything, it was the best
that I could come up with."
"I love it," Frank blurted out perhaps a bit too quickly, but he wanted to
reassure Gerard before he got tangled up in the belief that Frank didn't enjoy
his gesture, because he did. It meant so much to him that Gerard had even
attempted to put this together in the first place, almost as much as Gerard
meant to him in general really, but Frank wasn't sure how to express that with
words.
"Yeah?" Gerard queried, the upturn of his mouth physically felt as he buried
his face in Frank's shoulder, squeezing him tightly as if Frank's approval was
the best thing in the world. "I brought some food too, I thought we could stay
out here for the night, just us, if it doesn't get too cold that is. I checked
the weather beforehand, and it's not supposed to rain or anything, but you can
never be sure you know -"
Frank cut Gerard off by spinning around and kissing him hard, which was
something that he still hadn't fully gotten used to yet even though they'd be
doing almost nothing but recently, still - it never failed to amaze him how
they fit together so perfectly, how their lips moved instinctually like they
were made to be doing this and only this, leaving Frank warm even with the
slight chill in the air, his cheeks flushing deeply as Gerard's tongue pushed
into his mouth gently when Frank didn't immediately pull away.
That kiss meant everything to Frank, although he was sure he'd say that about
the next one, and the one after that, but that was the beauty of what they had,
that's why Frank could never give this up, even if it was better for the both
of them to go their separate ways, because he needed this, he craved the way
Gerard made him feel, the security that came with being wrapped in his arms,
the way his problems shriveled up and disappeared any time he so much as looked
at Gerard.
Gerard was the best thing in his life, the one person that brought him true,
unbridled joy, and Frank let himself sink into the sensations he only
experienced around the older man even after Gerard broke the connection of
their mouths so he could lead Frank toward the tent, because his tenderness and
care for Frank was prevalent even when they weren't kissing in the way his hand
gently linked with Frank's, in the way he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off
him as they made their way forward, in the way his body was always turned in
Frank's direction like he was pulled toward him at all times.
Frank crawled inside of the tent once they had reached the entrance, the thin
fabric protecting him from the cold instantly, the space becoming even more
inviting when Gerard joined him with a shy smile that had Frank instantly
reciprocating the gesture. They sat together quietly for a moment, drinking in
the sounds of nature and the presence of the other person next to them, which
was something that Frank wasn't able to do often as distracted as they both
were, but now nothing else existed besides the two of them, and Frank found
himself wishing they could stay this way forever.
"You know I never planned on coming back here again before I met you," Frank
admitted without really thinking about what he was saying. It wasn't like he
particularly felt the need to break the still air that was surrounding them,
but the words had bubbled out of him in an unexpected show of honesty, and now
that Frank had started speaking, he didn't feel all that inclined to stop. "It
hurt too much, but now it's the complete opposite. I feel safe here, because it
reminds me of you and not my father."
"Frankie..." Gerard murmured softly, threading his fingers through Frank's hair
as he pulled him against his chest, a pleased hum emitting from Frank as he
allowed his muscles to go lax, trusting Gerard to hold him up. "It means a lot
to me that I could do that for you. You've been through so much, and I want to
help you, to make it better in any way that I can."
"You do Gerard, you make everything better - honestly, and I hope I do the same
for you at least in some small way."
"You make everything worth it."
Frank looked up when Gerard remained quiet after his short sentence, noticing
the sheen to his irises and the way his hands were trembling slightly where
they were pressing on Frank's spine, but Frank didn't need a verbal explanation
to understand what was going through Gerard's head. He knew what he was feeling
because Frank was sharing in it as well; it was adoration at its strongest, it
was having someone care for you when you had given up on ever meaning anything
to anyone, it was love, at least on Frank's end, and although Gerard most
likely wasn't quite at that point yet, or even if he never was, Frank didn't
care, because this was more than he had imagined he would receive in the way of
affection, and he was more than content with that.
Frank leaned up then so he could capture Gerard's mouth in his, wanting to
distract himself before the thoughts in his head made their way down to his
lips, because he couldn't speak them aloud yet, but he could show Gerard how
much he loved him with actions at the very least. Gerard kissed back eagerly,
also seemingly glad for the excuse not to speak, his shoulders flexing as Frank
dug his nails into them, stabilizing himself as hot spikes of desire began to
shoot across his nerve endings.
Frank wasn't sure how long they stayed locked in that position kissing almost
frantically as if neither of them could get enough, oxygen became irrelevant as
long as they could continue in this fashion, their nostrils flaring and their
chests burning as they crowded as close to each other as possible, trying to
get nearer still even when there was no space between their intertwined bodies.
Eventually, Gerard pushed Frank backward, forcing him to relax against the soft
blankets underneath him as Gerard worked his shirt off of him slowly, almost as
if he was waiting for Frank to say something, or maybe as if he wasn't sure if
he was allowed to view Frank in this way anymore, but he wasnow.
Frank tried to show him that with his gaze, because in all reality, if Gerard
wasn't his teacher, their relationship would be legal now, and Frank didn't
want Gerard to go into this with even a hint of guilt twisting at his insides.
Gerard visibly relaxed when Frank put his hand over his, helping Gerard with
the last few buttons of his flannel in a physical manifestation of how much he
wanted this - wanted him. Frank shrugged the fabric away once they were
finished, his body instantly responding to the way Gerard's pupils dilated and
his mouth hung open slightly as he stared down at Frank.
"I forgot how gorgeous you are," Gerard muttered, trailing the pads of his
fingers over Frank's exposed skin lightly, leaving Frank shivering under his
touch even though he was anything but cold. "I missed being able to do this."
"Can I?" Frank asked when Gerard continued to be distracted by Frank's skin,
tugging at Gerard's sweater so he would understand what he was asking.
"Yeah," Gerard nodded, letting Frank grasp onto the bottom of his top and lift
it over his head, his hair getting mussed in the process, which of course
inspired Frank to run his hands through it, using the strands to pull Gerard in
for another kiss that only ended when Frank had to throw his head back to gasp
for air.
Frank's inhalation turned into a moan when Gerard leaned over him, his body
instantly responding to the weight and the pressure just where he needed it
most, his cock which was already plump swelling even further when Gerard rocked
against it gently. Frank's hips jolted forward on their own accord, his eyes
falling shut and his stomach churning with need when Gerard's length rubbed
heavily against his own.
"Gerard - please," Frank begged when Gerard began toying with the waistband of
his jeans, every small feeling becoming impossibly amplified after going so
long without, leaving Frank desperate and aching already even though they had
barely started.
"I want to hear you say it, tell me what you want." Gerard's voice emitted so
softly that Frank had to strain his ears to catch his words over his audible
panting, but once he understood, Frank flushed darkly, his tongue drying up at
the worst possible moment. It wasn't as if Frank was shy, not anymore, but it
was hard to concentrate on speaking when Gerard was gazing at him steadily with
a look that had Frank trembling in anticipation.
"Want you," Frank finally managed to heave out, his cock twitching as Gerard
began removing his pants once his words had hit the open air, "want you to fuck
me."
"I will, god sugar you don't know how hard it's been to wait for this."
Frank whimpered softly, his lower half lifting upward to help Gerard rid him of
his jeans until he was left in nothing besides his boxers, the material tenting
forward obnoxiously as Frank did his best to be patient while Gerard removed
his own pants.
Gerard leaned over to the left once he was done, digging through a small bag
that he must have placed in the corner before returning with a bottle of lube
that Frank was so fucking grateful that he'd had the foresight to pack. Frank
dug his teeth into his bottom lip as he watched Gerard slick up his fingers,
his hand grazing across his length idly, the soft pressure feeling so much
better than it should have, leaving Frank gasping quietly when Gerard nodded at
him in a way that he knew meant it was all right for him to take off his
underwear.
"Fuck," Frank hissed once he properly wrapped a hand around himself, his
motions fueled by the way Gerard was gazing at him in a way that could only be
described as hungry, his thighs shaking as he spread them wider, exposing
himself to Gerard's rapturous stare as he pumped himself slowly.
Gerard continued to watch Frank with an almost dazed expression in his eyes,
leaving Frank feeling wanted, adored even, the emotions mixing in along with
the lust that was flooding his entire body, leaving him more turned on than he
could ever remember being before.
"So beautiful," Gerard gasped when Frank tilted his head back with a groan, his
thumb brushing over his slit which was already leaking precome heavily. "Keep
doing that, show me how badly you want me."
Frank whined roughly, wishing for Gerard to replace his hand with his own more
than anything, but he didn't voice his complaints aloud, he was much too eager
to please the other man after all, so he did as he asked, even going so far as
to suck a finger into his mouth, licking at the salty digit until it was
dripping in saliva before trailing it down his chest, finally reaching the
juncture of his legs, stroking over his hole roughly while Gerard moaned in
between clenched teeth.
"Please?" Frank pleaded again as he inched the digit inside of himself
impatiently when Gerard still remained frozen, his muscles clenching down on
the intrusion that he hadn't felt in far too long, "Gerard please?"
Frank was getting desperate now, although he thought he understood why Gerard
was making Frank touch himself this way. He assumed that it was helping to
remind the other man that Frank wanted that, that this wasn't some illicit
tryst, but a partnership with consenting equals no matter what the law said,
and Frank was willing to give Gerard that reassurance, but that didn't mean
that he wasn't dying for Gerard to take over as well.
"Keep going," Gerard ordered, but he did shift closer to Frank, nudging his way
between his splayed out thighs, one of his damp fingers tracing over his
entrance as Frank continued to work himself with very little finesse, the
awkward angle preventing him from doing much more than brushing against his
inner walls, but even the slight drag of that coupled with Gerard's teasing
strokes had Frank dizzy and out of breath within minutes.
Finally Gerard pushed one of his slender fingers alongside Frank's, the
following burn leaving Frank hissing in surprise since it was rare for fingers
to sting so much, but it had been ages since he had been stretched this way,
and he found himself enjoying the slight edge of pain as Gerard inched another
finger in carefully.
"Shit Gerard - I can't, need you," Frank gasped out when Gerard found his
prostate, his hips bucking upward before pushing back down onto Gerard's hand
as hard as he could, his eyes watering up at the sweet mixture of pain and
pleasure that was threatening to overwhelm him.
"Shh sweetheart, just let me take care of you," Gerard muttered, gently pulling
Frank's finger out of the way before replacing it with another of his own,
scissoring the digits widely which had Frank crying out loudly, his heels
digging into the blankets as he clutched at the base of his cock tightly,
trying to contain the pressure there that was already threatening to push its
way out of him much too soon. "Do you think you're ready, I don't want to hurt
you."
"I am - fuck, I'm going to come if you don't fuck me soon," Frank chuckled
weakly, his cheeks tinting red at his admission, but Gerard knew by now how
easily he could make him fall apart, and he didn't feel any shame about it,
although it was a bit of an inconvenience at times.
"Alright," Gerard groaned lowly before slowly slipping his fingers out of Frank
one by one, leaving him whimpering at the empty feeling, his muscles fluttering
in protest although he knew what was to come would be even better. "How would
you feel about being blindfolded?" Gerard added on, catching Frank off guard
with the casual question even though he shouldn't be surprised by anything
after hearing about Gerard's kinks. "You can say no, I was just wondering if it
would be something you would like."
"I've never thought about it," Frank confessed, taking a deep breath as he
weighed the pros and cons of it in his mind, because it sounded interesting,
but he also wanted to be able to see Gerard when he pushed into him.
"It will make everything more intense," Gerard continued, "and you can always
ask me to take it off if you don't like it."
"Let's try it," Frank nodded, reassured by the fact that he could back out if
he changed his mind. He felt safe with Gerard after all, and he was curious
what it would be like to be deprived of everything besides the sensation of
Gerard's cock inside him, the mere thought of focusing only on such a physical
thing leaving him shuddering slightly, which Gerard noticed of course.
"Head up," Gerard grinned, brandishing the item he had used to cover his eyes
earlier, which Frank now noticed was one of his ties that he wore at school,
which meant that he'd never be able to view the innocent article of clothing in
the same way again - fuck, that was going to make class much more interesting.
Frank stretched his neck forward so Gerard could place the fabric around his
eyes, letting his lids fall closed as the silky material was wrapped around
them. Gerard pressed a series of soft kisses to Frank's cheeks and lips when he
was done, ending with a lingering kiss that had Frank chasing after his mouth
even once it was obvious that he had retreated once more.
"You're gorgeous Frankie." Gerard's voice resounded louder in Frank's ears than
it usually did since he was currently straining to catch onto any sounds that
would let him understand what was going on now that he couldn't feel Gerard
hovering over him, the compliment twisting around his spine and leaving Frank
blushing heavily, his hands reaching out in Gerard's direction only to be
stopped by a gentle pressure on his wrist. "No moving okay? Just let me do all
the work."
Frank nodded in response, his head feeling heavy as he did his best to relax. A
part of him was grateful that he was getting a few minutes to unwind,
especially since he had been so close to the edge earlier, but on the other
hand, Frank was forever impatient when it came to Gerard, and he had to force
himself not to fidget as he heard the sound of the lube bottle being reopened
and Gerard's soft sigh which Frank could only assume meant he was touching
himself.
"Condom?" Gerard asked, even though Frank thought they had already reached a
decision on not using those, but that was before everything had fallen apart,
before they had been ripped away from each other all because of Frank's age,
before they had decided to try again despite the odds not being in their favor.
The fact that Gerard had thought to check with Frank again touched him, because
it was just another way that he was showing that he cared, that he always put
Frank first no matter what he wanted, and fuck - Frank would never stop
appreciating that.
"No," Frank answered when he realized that Gerard was still waiting on his
reply, "just you."
Frank gasped aloud when he felt the blankets shift underneath him followed by
Gerard's warm hands on his thighs, spreading him wider as he rubbed his length
against Frank's hole, letting Frank know that he was there, that he could still
speak up if the blindfold was too much, but Frank didn't want to take it off
now, not when everything felt so amazing when he wasn't expecting it, not when
it seemed as if he was entirely in Gerard's control.
"Relax sugar," Gerard whispered, and it was only then that Frank realized he
was tensing up in anticipation, his body already trying to drag Gerard's cock
deeper into him although it was still just pressing against his stretched
entrance. "I'm going to make you feel so good."
And true to his word, Gerard pushed in just then, slowly working himself into
Frank at a steady past that had Frank moaning loudly, the burn coupled with the
heavy weight of Gerard's cock nudging its way inside of him had him choking on
his exclamation, because fuck - Gerard was right, this felt so good, better
than usual, and even though part of that might be because they hadn't been
together in months, Frank reminded himself to ask to be blindfolded more often
if it was going to produce more sensations like this.
"Oh god," Frank hissed when Gerard bottomed out, his body struggling to
accommodate his size even though Frank actually wasn't feeling that much pain,
it was just overwhelming being so full again. He'd forgotten how incredible it
was to be connected to Gerard in this fashion, and Frank knew that he would do
everything he could to make sure he never lost this privilege again.
"You okay sugar?" Gerard asked, his fingers brushing some of Frank's hair back
from his face, the touch surprising him since he couldn't see it, but he still
leaned into it hungrily, his hand tracing over Gerard's arm which was taut and
strained, the muscles pulled tight thanks to the self-control he was currently
imposing on himself.
"Yeah, god -" Frank cut himself off with a choked whine when Gerard moved
slightly, nudging his prostate in the process, "so fucking okay."
"Always so tight," Gerard whispered almost to himself as he pulled back out
practically all the way, leaving only the head of his cock trapped inside of
Frank, "missed this so much."
Frank wanted to respond, to say that he did too, that Gerard felt amazing as
always, or something, but Gerard shoved back in just then, ripping a harsh cry
out of Frank's lips that he didn't even have time to try and bite back, but it
didn't matter here, they were alone for once, making Frank even more grateful
for Gerard's choice in their current location.
Frank continued to gasp and whimper as Gerard set up a steady pace, his hands
scrabbling against the fabric underneath him until Gerard pinned his wrists
down, placing just enough weight on them for Frank to feel trapped in the best
way possible, but also like he could pull away if he wanted. The change in
angle was better as well, because now with Gerard leaning over him like this,
his prostate was being hit constantly, increasing the coiling pressure in
Frank's stomach quickly no matter how hard Frank tried to push back his
impending orgasm.
Frank found himself becoming lost in the slick drag of Gerard's cock inside of
him, in the brilliant bursts of pleasure that wracked his body, in the muttered
compliments that fell from Gerard's lips every time Frank clenched around him.
Frank was so close already he couldn't even decipher the sounds he was making,
or if he was even making any at all, but he could hear Gerard, he could feel
him all around him, and Frank had never felt so safe than he did in that
moment.
"You're so perfect Frank, absolutely perfect," Gerard's voice cut through the
haze of pleasure that was coating Frank's brain, his words slicing into him
with a shocking amount of force, and Frank knew that no matter how many times
he heard that term, it would never stop being special to him. "I'm so lucky to
have you."
"I - fuck," Frank cried, his head thrashing back and forth as his cock swelled
and pulsed suddenly, his fragile grip on himself shattering underneath Gerard's
sentence and the way Gerard was pushing against the most sensitive spot inside.
"I'm gonna come - shit."
Frank's warning almost arrived too late; he was sputtering across his stomach
before Gerard could finish wrapping his hand around his length, a drawn out
moan coupled with Gerard's name tearing its way out of him as the blackness
covering his eyes became tinged with a faint shade of blue at the edges, his
body quivering wildly as his cock continued to twitch in Gerard's palm, his
orgasm leaving him breathless and exhausted when it finally ended, which seemed
to be years after it began.
"Fuck baby, I'll never get tired of seeing you like this, you look so good, I -
ahh," Gerard hissed under his breath, his rhythm going sloppy before he shoved
into Frank one last time, holding himself there as he coated his insides with
his release, causing Frank to gasp quietly at the hot rush, the sensation still
pleasurable even though he was oversensitive, and sore, and dazed.
Frank tried to move, to wrap his arms around Gerard before he could pull out,
but his muscles had turned to jelly, and it was only when Gerard unwrapped the
blindfold from around his face that Frank realized that Gerard had already
shifted his position, leaving his hands free even though it didn't do him much
good now.
Frank smiled blearily at Gerard since he also seemed to have forgotten how to
speak, the grin stretching across his face even when Gerard leaned down and
kissed him slowly.
"How did I go so long without that?" Frank mumbled around his thick tongue when
Gerard pulled away, his words emerging in an unsteady tone that had Frank
flushing once he heard it.
"I was just asking myself the same thing," Gerard giggled as he returned to the
bag in the corner, emerging with what looked to be a washcloth which he then
used to wipe Frank down with, causing Frank's muscles to quiver underneath his
touch, his skin still overly attuned to everything even now that he could see
again. "Happy birthday again by the way, I know I've said that probably ten
times already, but seriously Frank, I'm so glad I got to share this day with
you."
"This has been the best birthday ever," Frank admitted, a yawn breaking up his
sentence as Gerard covered him with one of the clean blankets, making sure
Frank was comfortable before joining him, a pleased sound rumbling out of his
chest when Frank instantly snuggled into his side.
"You deserve so much more, but I'll always try to give you the best of
everything."
Frank sighed against Gerard's skin, hating how Gerard always painted himself in
such an unflattering light, but right now, he didn't have the energy to argue
with him, and he knew that Gerard wasn't being self-deprecating on purpose.
Frank would keep showing Gerard how wonderful he truly was, and with time,
hopefully he would view himself differently.
Not wanting to breach the sensitive topic at the moment, especially not when
Gerard didn't seem truly upset, Frank simply tugged him down for a quick kiss,
glorifying in the way he and Gerard shared the same air, and in the way Gerard
held him close, because as amazing as the sex had been, these little moments
would always be precious as well.
This was when Frank felt the most love for Gerard, this was when he had to bite
his tongue to hold that admission back, and maybe one day he would let it
emerge from his throat and onto Gerard's ears, but not tonight. For the rest of
the evening, he just wanted to lie here with Gerard and enjoy the warmth and
adoration he could feel pouring from the other man who was a literal gift all
on his own.
***** Time Flies *****
Chapter Notes
     Hey there long time no see.
     I hope some of you are still here and if you are I am very grateful
     for your patience.
     I am attempting to get myself vaguely back on track writing wise
     which includes making this story a priority again. I can't promise
     consistent updates because when do I ever manage that but this is no
     longer on hold and I truly intend to keep it that way.
     I'm a bit out of touch with this story and its characters so if
     anyone notices any plot holes or things I mess up either now or in
     the future please let me know so I can fix them.
     Also please don't call the number in the chapter I just made it up
     and I have no idea if it's real or not.
Time passed in that fleeting fashion it has, proving the old saying true since
it only seemed to fly by when Frank was actually enjoying himself, which he was
now that he had Gerard in his life. It seemed like just yesterday that Frank
had turned eighteen, but now months had slipped by, Christmas had gone, and
January was quickly coming to a close as well.
This was the first time in years that Frank had been looking forward to the
holidays. Typically he spent the day with his mother playing happy family until
he could escape to Pete's home for a real Christmas celebration, which he still
did, but then he headed over to Gerard's for the evening. He had helped him and
Mikey make dinner, or attempted anyway, and although the turkey had been
borderline inedible, falling asleep in Gerard's arms was the best gift Frank
could have asked for.
The holidays had been a lovely blur to Frank, most of his days were lately, and
for once, he wasn't just surviving, but living. The bad occurrences were
drowned out by the good, mostly Gerard if Frank was being honest, even if they
still had to be careful with their relationship.
It was hard at times to keep their secret, but Frank was becoming adjusted to
it. The most important people in his life knew anyway, mainly Pete, Ryan, and
Brendon. Gerard even came with Frank to spend time with his friends at the bar,
not just to drink. His efforts to interject himself into Frank's life meant the
world to him, although Pete wasn't willing to hang out with Gerard yet, he
still didn't like when he was mentioned all that much, but that was fine, Frank
didn't expect his friend to instantly accept the man again, if ever, although
he hoped that one day he would.
Sometimes Frank wished that he and Gerard had a more traditional relationship,
one that his best friend would approve of, one that he could flaunt proudly
whenever he wanted, but Gerard was worth all of the worries, and the bouts of
fear, and the hiding, because he made Frank happy, so he would do everything he
could to keep their status just between them and the people he trusted, he
wasn't going to fuck this up, because they deserved this joy, and Frank refused
to lose it by slipping up in any way.
And Frank was determined to do just that. They had made it so far already, and
now his graduation date was in sight, so they could do this, and then they
could truly be together - hopefully. Frank knew all of their problems wouldn't
magically disappear once he was finished with high school, he would always have
his mother to deal with after all, not to mention Gerard could still get in
trouble if anyone discovered that they had been dating while Frank was his
student, but Frank was going to think positively for once until he was given a
reason not to.
Frank had no idea what was going to happen once May came and went, when he
would be officially considered an adult in society's eye, he never had
actually, even before Gerard came into his life, but at least now he had hope.
He always assumed he'd simply start working full time at the restaurant, that
he'd take care of his mother until she became too much for him to handle, but
he had no goals, no aspirations for himself, not really.
How could he when he always had his mother to worry about, and yes - she was
vaguely functioning now, but Frank knew she would get worse, she was already
declining, which meant that college was iffy, if not out of the question
entirely.
Frank wasn't even sure if he could afford a higher education, they weren't
exactly well off, but he could probably swing the local community college,
especially if he got a scholarship or two, but so far he hadn't been approached
by any colleges.
He was a good student, but he wasn't especially driven, he couldn't even pick
what degree he'd like to pursue if he was asked, so continuing on with school
always seemed pointless to Frank. Maybe he would at least complete his basics
though, inspiration might hit him later on if he did, and Frank had a feeling
that once he stopped going to school, it would be difficult to get back into it
if he changed his mind later.
But now he at least he other things to look forward to, he had a boyfriend, and
motivation to change his life if the path he was traveling down ended up not
working out for him. Things had already changed for the better for him, and
Frank wasn't going to forget that, even if thinking of the future left him
feeling nervous and unsure about what he was doing with himself.
And there was so much to be thankful for in the present, at least to Frank
there was, so thoughts of what was coming next could wait until those events
drew nearer. Gerard had continued to improve, he hadn't had a mental break in
quite some time, and Frank loved seeing the older man slowly healing as he did
the same. His relationship with Pete continued to repair itself as well, and
now most of the awkward tension that had plagued the air when they had gotten
together before had leeched away.
In fact, Frank was just returning from Pete's house. He had dropped by on his
way home from school to help Pete with some homework he was struggling with,
but now he had to hurry back to his own place before his mother got home,
leaving him with no time to see Gerard, but that was okay. Frank had begun to
accept that he would never be able to spend as many hours as he wished with his
boyfriend, but he knew Gerard would call him later, and perhaps he might even
be able to sneak by for a quick visit if his mother fell asleep early enough.
Frank hoisted his backpack higher up on his shoulder as he approached his front
door, waving to the mailman who had apparently just finished putting their mail
in the slot. Frank picked up the small pile of letters once he was inside,
intending to toss them into the box they used to store such things until he had
time to go through it and search out the important bills that his mother would
surely forget to pay if he didn't do so himself.
But as Frank deposited the envelopes in their appointed place, a familiar name
caught his eye, causing his heart to stutter in his chest and his breath to
hitch in his lungs as he read over the small line of handwritten text once more
just to make sure he wasn't seeing things.
But no, Frank's eyes hadn't been playing tricks on him, because the letter
which was addressed to both him and his mother had a return address on it, and
the name above it was none other than his father's, which was the last person
he ever expected to receive any mail from, but now that he had, he had no idea
how to feel about it.
Frank's hands shook as he fished the envelope out of the stack of others, his
mind churning and his stomach flipping over as he tried to process that his
father was finally trying to get in contact with him after years of silence.
Frank almost didn't want to read what he had chosen to say, because he was
finally moving on, he was recovering from the loss of his father, or at least
pretending it didn't bother him as much as it did, butfuck - this felt like a
slap in the face, and the muted pain that Frank had buried deep inside himself
returned with a sudden resurgence of agony, leaving Frank winded and aching as
his fingers tore through the thin paper without him making a conscious decision
to open the letter.
But it was too late now, his curiosity had gotten the better of him, and Frank
knew he had to see what his father had decided to pen down, even if it hurt.
Frank couldn't forget about it now, so it would be better to face this all at
once instead of letting it fester inside of him.
So he blinked his eyes numerous times, forcing his vision to focus on his
father's scrawl which was once something he saw often, but now it was a foreign
thing that evoked painful memories. Frank pressed on though, struggling to
decipher the meaning of the words instead of simply the shape of the letters.
I guess I should address this to Linda since Frank never reads these although
it is him that they are intended for.
I'm not sure why I keep writing either way, but I don't want to give up on our
son, even if he hates me.
Not much has changed since Christmas, so I will keep this short, and most of
what I would like to talk about involves my husband, who you don't care about.
I wish I could talk to you about these things, but I know I don't deserve that.
I hate that I hurt you the way that I did, that I lost you as my family, but I
still want you and Frank to be a part of my life, I promise, even if you won't
believe me.
I just wanted to tell you that I've changed my cell number, so if Frank has a
change of heart, or by some miracle you do, you can now reach me at 213-5556.
Can you please ask Frank to call me?
I doubt you will, but I miss him.
I won't expect a reply, but I hope you both are doing well.
- Frank
Frank couldn't accurately explain the emotions he was experiencing as he
finished skimming his father's brief letter, but if he had to pick one term to
describe it, he would go with shock, or maybe confusion, because what the
actual fuck did this all mean?
Frank's father didn't care about him, he left without a word, he hadn't tried
to contact Frank since that terrible day, except apparently he had, and Frank
was left shaken and unsure of what to believe as he read over the note again,
just to make sure that he wasn't dreaming this up.
But this seemed real, and after pinching himself harshly, Frank had to accept
that everything he thought he knew about his father might very well be a lie.
He'd been writing to him, he'd apparently sent a letter around Christmas time,
and he missed Frank - he actually wanted to talk to him, so why hadn't Frank
known about this before?
Frank flipped the envelope back over just to make sure that it was indeed from
his father, which it was, but Frank also noticed the return address, which was
somewhere in New York. That meant his father was only a train ride away, or a
short car trip if he could get the vehicle from his mother, and for some
reason, that also surprised Frank. In his head, it was almost as if his father
had fallen off the face of the earth, or moved to another country, but no -
he'd been within reach this entire time, Frank had just been unaware of that
fact.
Frank couldn't understand how this had happened, he had tried to reach out to
his father when he left so many times, and all of his attempts had been
ignored. Frank usually went through the mail too, so he would have seen any
previous letters - unless - fucking hell, Frank's mother must have hidden them
from him.
Frank didn't want to believe it of her, but it was the only logical
explanation. He typically did as he had today with the mail, he tossed it into
the bin or on the table and dealt with it later, leaving his mother with ample
opportunities to search through it if she so wished. Frank hated to assume that
she would do something so cruel, but he knew her, he was aware of her hatred
for his father and his lifestyle, but would she really stoop this low?
Frank was filled with a hot spike of anger for his mother if she had indeed
done this, but she didn't deserve all the blame either. She was unwell, Frank
knew this, and his father wasn't a saint in this either. They hadn't moved, he
knew where they lived, so if he really missed Frank, he could have visited, or
maybe called Frank back after all the times he had tried to reach out to him.
Frank didn't like jumping to conclusions, so he attempted to calm down even as
his fury continued to increase, but just then, he heard keys in the door, which
meant his mother was home, and he was determined to receive some answers to the
numerous questions that were bouncing around angrily in his head.
"Hey Frank, how was school?" his mother asked in a tired tone of voice when she
made her way into the kitchen, not seeming to notice the letter Frank had
clenched in his fist or his stiff posture as she wandered further inside.
Usually, Frank would be ecstatic that his mother had remembered his name, or
that she was inquiring after his well-being at all, but not today. At least her
lucidity would most likely work in his favor, because if she didn't know who he
was, pushing her for information on his father would most likely not end well
for either of them.
"What is this?" Frank hissed coldly, trying and failing to stop the trembling
of his limbs as he thrust his father's letter in his mother's direction, making
sure to tilt the envelope upward so she would able to read who it was from.
Frank watched as a look of horror tinged with guilt crossed over his mother's
face, her eyes widening in fear as they darted away quickly, but it was too
late to hide her visceral reaction, and Frank was now convinced that his mother
had known about these all along, that she had been hiding them from him, which
fucking stung knowing that both of his parents had wounded him so harshly, not
just his father.
"Where did you get that?" his mother finally replied, but not with the apology
Frank had been hoping for, earning her a hateful roll of his eyes as he chased
after her retreating figure.
"It was in the mail mom, where else would it be?"
"You shouldn't have opened that," was his mother's response, and that was it,
Frank was done playing nice now, so he stepped in front of his mother, stopping
her retreating footsteps as he crossed his arms over his chest angrily.
"No - youshouldn't have kept this from me, because I know there are other
letters, which you probably have somewhere if you didn't throw them away
already," Frank scoffed spitefully. "I can't believe you Mom, how could you do
this to me?"
"Frank, I'm tired, can we do this later?" his mother tried a different escape
route, but Frank ignored the soft tug of pity that filled his chest, because he
couldn't put this off, he had to understand, and his mother owed him an
explanation for her deception, even if nothing she could say would make this
any better.
"We are doing this now, so I am going to ask you again, why did you think it
was a good idea to keep these from me, why didn't you tell me Dad was trying to
get in contact with us?"
"Because I was trying to protect you Frank!" his mother yelled back, her loud
tone startling him with its sudden intensity. "Your father isn't a good person,
he's sick, and I can't have him infecting you. So yes - I made sure to hide the
letters away, but it's for the best. He left, he doesn't care about us, only
his sins, and you don't need to be exposed to that sort of person."
"How dare you," Frank whispered, his words dripping with venom as he backed
away from his mother slowly, "I know you carry those stupid beliefs, but you
had no right to push them on me, or to keep me from my father, and you know
what, you're the sick one. You'd be lost without me, but instead of thanking me
for everything I do for you, you pull shit like this."
"You can't speak to me that way young man," his mother tried to interject, but
Frank wasn't finished speaking just yet.
"Actually, I can, because I am an adult now, I've been one for years, you're
just too blind to see it, and you need to hear this. I pay the bills here, I
make sure we stay afloat, I'm the one who gets you up in the morning so you
won't miss work, and you still have the audacity to treat me like a child."
"Frank -"
"Just shut up okay - leave me alone," Frank screeched, his vision swimming with
tears as the implications of everything his mother had done truly began to sink
in.
Who knows what else she had kept from him, or what other attempts his father
had made to be a part of his life she had thwarted. Frank was so furious he was
literally shaking, and he knew he had to get away from his mother before he did
something he would later on regret.
Frank was so tempted to spill everything to her, to shout that he was gay as
well, that he had known he was even before his father announced his own
sexuality, that he had a boyfriend that he loved, and that nothing she said or
did could change the way he was, but Frank knew it wouldn't help, that she
wouldn't understand, and as much as he hated that fact, it was his reality, and
he would only be shooting himself in the foot if he let the information out, so
he bit his tongue just like always.
"I'm sorry," his mother spoke up meekly, but Frank had no idea if that was
another lie or not, and he highly doubted she meant it, if anything she was
only saying it to get Frank to calm down.
"Yeah, so am I," Frank mumbled, "I need to go, make sure you eat dinner okay?"
Frank exited the room without another word, grabbing his backpack on the way
out before slamming the door loudly behind him, the immature action bringing
him the slightest sense of relief as his feet carried him far away from his
home which felt more toxic now than it ever had.
Frank was well aware that he couldn't leave forever, because as much as he
despised his mother for what she had done, he wouldn't truly abandon her. She
needed him, whether she admitted it or not, and Frank wasn't that heartless to
let her flounder on her own.
But for today, he needed space, he needed to forget about all of this until he
could process it better. He had no idea if he should try to find his father, or
how he was going to deal with his mother after this betrayal, but if he tried
to sort through the mess in his brain right now, he was going to break.
So Frank turned his feet toward the one place that would offer him comfort,
which was Gerard's of course. He ached to lose himself in the other man's
touch, to let his calming presence erase the cloud of confusion that was
threatening to smother him.
Frank debated calling Gerard to let him know he was on his way, but he was
already halfway there by the time the thought crossed his mind, and he doubted
Gerard needed a warning. He was always willing to drop everything for Frank,
even if he was busy grading papers or something like that, he made sure Frank
knew he came first, and that meant the world to Frank.
Frank knew Gerard couldn't fix everything, he wasn't a permanent bandage, but
Frank didn't need that, he was just searching for a distraction from the shit
storm that he had found himself in, which Gerard always provided, and maybe
later he would mend things, but right now, he only wanted to forget.
 
***** Distraction *****
Chapter Notes
     This literally took me months to write but it's done now and I am so
     proud of myself.
     I've been struggling with a lot of mental issues lately and I've been
     put on depression meds which at first made me worse but now I am on a
     new brand and I seem to be able to vaguely function again.
     I am determined to keep writing though, this brings me a sense of
     accomplishment that so few things do and no matter how long it takes
     me I promise to create new updates eventually.
     Thank you all so much for your patience.
     I love you more than I can ever say xxx
"Frank?" Gerard questioned warily when he opened the door of his apartment
complex after hearing a series of rapid knocks, his eyes widening as he glanced
over the apparently distressed younger man with what he was sure was a
concerned look. "You didn't tell me you were coming over."
Not that Gerard minded Frank's unexpected arrival of course, but Frank usually
at least called and asked first. Frank shrugged helplessly as he walked inside
when Gerard motioned for him to do so, his shoulders which had been tensed to
the point of rigidity relaxing by a small margin when he entered the living
room.
"I'm sorry, I should have asked first, but I needed to get away," Frank exhaled
heavily.
"Away from what?" Gerard dared to ask, although he was unsure of how Frank
would react to his questioning.
"Everything - just, I can't talk about it yet okay," Frank choked out. "Please
distract me."
"Okay, yeah, I can do tha-"
Gerard was cut off when Frank surged forward, attaching their mouths together
in a heated kiss. Gerard was well aware that this was Frank's usual coping
methods for dealing with things he wasn't ready to face, and even if he wasn't
sure what the problem was, this was something he knew he could help Frank with.
Gerard was still slightly in awe of the fact that Frank had chosen him to be
this person for him, that he wanted Gerard to be his shelter from the harsh
realities of the world, that he cared for him so much that he trusted him in
his most vulnerable moments.
Gerard didn't think he was worthy of this task, although he wanted to be, but
Frank deserved so much better than him. Gerard had tried to show him that, to
give him the opportunity to leave, but Frank had stubbornly remained, so Gerard
was determined to be the best boyfriend that he could for Frank until he
realized his error, even if that would never be good enough for the wonderful
boy who was currently pressed against him.
Gerard might not be right for Frank, but he could assist him in this, so he let
Frank steal the air from his lungs until some of his pent-up emotions seemed to
ease for a moment, his arms wrapping around his torso in a supporting manner
when Frank sagged against him as their lips broke apart.
"Do you want to try something new?" Gerard suggested when Frank began bucking
into him needily, his cock straining against the fabric of his jeans as he
rubbed against Gerard suggestively.
"Like what?" Frank whispered breathily, his eyes already carrying the glazed
over quality that meant he was slipping away from whatever was causing him so
much pain and sinking into the lust pumping through his bloodstream instead.
"Get in the bedroom and I'll show you," Gerard smirked, his teeth biting into
his lower lip to suppress a laugh when Frank all but ran down the short
hallway, tossing his shirt off as he went.
Gerard followed at a slightly slower pace, mulling over what he actually wanted
to do in his head. He knew what Frank needed, he wanted to let go of his
concerns, to give over control to Gerard for at least a short time, and he
could think of numerous activities that would help him achieve that, but he
wasn't entirely certain which one to pick.
Frank was already waiting for him on the bed, his chest heaving lightly as he
stared at Gerard when he walked into the small space. A smile instinctively
turned Gerard's lips up at the corners when he saw him lying there - his
boyfriend - god that would never get old.
Gerard had decided he must have done something incredible act in another life
to earn him Frank in this one, because he sure as hell hadn't earned him, or
maybe this was the one good thing that the universe had decided to grace him
with. Gerard didn't really believe in karma, or religion, or any of that, but
some other force must have intervened to give him someone like Frank, there was
really no other explanation that he could think of.
"Gerard," Frank whimpered quietly when he didn't immediately move since he was
distracted by his inner musings. "Please, I need you."
"Do you sugar?" Gerard grinned. He shook off his thoughts with a mental brush
of his hand so he could focus on the now, letting his knees hit the edge of the
mattress as he leaned over Frank teasingly. "You're so worked up, and I've
barely even touched you yet."
"Wanna touch you," Frank begged, his hands reaching out in an attempt to pull
Gerard on top of him, but he dodged out of his grasp easily.
"Nuh uh, this is about you," Gerard admonished him, his mind settling on what
he was going to do to Frank to make sure he forgot about whatever was plaguing
him, at least for now. "Pants off," Gerard ordered, doing his best to keep a
straight face as Frank scrambled to comply.
When Frank was completely undressed, Gerard finally allowed himself to kiss him
again, his tongue plundering Frank's mouth with a fierce intensity that he had
never before felt with anyone else. Frank did something to his insides, he made
him burn and ache and need more than he ever had in the past, and he loved it,
but sometimes it scared him how attached he was to this boy that legally he
shouldn't even be with.
But now wasn't the time to remember that fact, he was determined to pay
attention to Frank and only Frank, not his doubts or self-loathing, so that is
what he did, keeping their mouths connected as he trailed his fingers down
Frank's torso. He brushed over his peaked nipples before moving lower, his
nails digging into the small trail of hair leading down toward Frank's cock
which was already pressing up against his stomach eagerly. Frank whined quietly
against Gerard's lips, his hips tilting upward in a silent plea for more, which
Gerard was helpless to deny.
He let his hand wrap around the base of Frank's cock, slowly stroking him at a
pace that he was sure Frank found tortuous and delicious all at once. Gerard
hadn't tried this with Frank yet, he usually let him come as often as he
wanted, but he was curious to see how Frank would react to being brought to the
brink then denied his orgasm, hoping that the need to release would completely
distract him from everything else that was swirling around in his head.
"You're teasing," Frank exhaled shakily, his eyes fluttering closed as his head
fell back to rest against the pillow.
"I am," Gerard nodded. "You want to come already don't you greedy boy?"
"Yeah, please - need it," Frank groaned, his lashes brushing against his
flushed cheeks as his cock pulsed in Gerard's hand as if in protest to his slow
motions.
"Can you hold off for me?" Gerard asked as he began moving his wrist faster,
dragging a harsh groan out of Frank as he teased his slit with the pad of his
thumb.
"Uh - fuck," Frank shuddered, his eyes blinking open blearily, his dilated
pupils locking onto Gerard's visage almost instantly before darting down to his
leaking dick. "I don't know."
"I think you can, I know you can be good," Gerard encouraged him, continuing to
work his length as Frank trembled and gasped as the sensations spread through
his nerve endings.
"I - I'm so close already," Frank cried out, his lids squeezing shut again and
his teeth gritting together as he fought back his release, "but I wanna be
good."
"I know you do, you're so good for me always," Gerard soothed him while slowing
down, making sure to draw Frank back from the edge before he tipped too far
over, "so good that I think you deserve my fingers."
"Oh fuck - please?" Frank exhaled heavily, his legs spreading automatically as
Gerard scooted off the bed so he could reach his dresser, retrieving the lube
he always kept there since Frank had come into his world before returning to
Frank's prone frame.
"So eager always," Gerard chuckled darkly. "I love it." He adjusted himself in
his pants which were quickly becoming much too tight for his liking, his dick
all but screaming for his touch, but this was all about Frank, he could take
care of himself once his boyfriend was satiated. "Tell me if you need me to
stop at any time," Gerard reminded him, because he could already feel his mind
clouding over with the dominant nature the Frank invoked in him, and he didn't
want to take this too far, especially when Frank was fragile.
There was just something about this though, being in control, having someone
trust him so much that they would let them do anything to their body that had
Gerard soaring higher than he did when he snorted up. He used to be the giver,
the person who trusted his partner with himself and his pleasure, but after so
many bad experiences, he couldn't bring himself to do that anymore, so he had
learned how to be the one in charge, and he liked it more than he thought he
would. He had done this was others of course, but when he was with Frank,
everything was amplified a thousandfold, and Gerard felt giddy and powerful as
he slicked up his fingers, his cock pulsing against his thigh as Frank groaned
happily when Gerard pressed inside him without any more preamble.
Gerard would never get used to Frank's reactions, to how tight he always was,
or how warm. The explicit noises he made ignited Gerard's blood and filled him
with a sense of accomplishment that he had never before felt, not on stage, not
in the classroom, not anywhere - Frank was all that mattered to him now. Gerard
twisted his fingers steadily, angling them in the direction he had learned
would have Frank falling apart within minutes, making sure to brush his
prostate repeatedly as he thrust in and out of him, listening for Frank's
hitched inhalations which were alerting him to how close he was getting to his
release.
"Gerard," Frank cried out, his spine arching upward as Gerard pressed against
his most sensitive area with a bit more force than he had been previous,
"please - I need to come."
"Not yet," Gerard admonished him, pushing his fingers in one last time before
pulling them out completely just before Frank lost it, earning himself a
disgruntled whine from Frank.
"Why are you doing this?" Frank all but sobbed, his hands twitching at his
sides as he spoke.
Gerard knew he was aching to reach down and grab his cock, he could physically
see how badly Frank need to come in the blush that was staining his neck and
chest and the rigidity of his muscles, but that was the point of all of this,
and Gerard knew that Frank would thank him in the end.
"It's edging baby, remember what I said, how much I like this?" Gerard reminded
him gently when Frank seemed a bit more coherent.
"Fuck...this is cruel," Frank laughed throatily, "but you will let me come
eventually right?"
"I will, and it'll be amazing, I promise you."
"Prove it," Frank growled quietly, but Gerard wasn't going to give in so
easily.
He did insert two fingers back inside of Frank's tight heat, working him to the
point of ecstasy quickly once again. Frank grew louder than Gerard have ever
heard him, his mouth hanging open and his hair dripping with sweat as Gerard
stretched his insides with his hand, eventually adding a third finger when he
was sure that Frank could take it.
Frank was shaking heavily now, his lungs working rapidly as he tried to comply
with Gerard's wishes. Gerard silently thanked his luck that Mikey wasn't home
right now, because god - Frank was loud, and Gerard loved it. He wanted to make
Frank's volume increase, to have him screaming, so he curved his body downward
until his face was hovering over Frank's stretched hole, darting his tongue out
briefly to lick at his knuckles which were being clenched by the tight ring of
muscles encircling them.
And Frank did scream them, his body bowing off of the bed before he pushed back
down onto Gerard's face, a violent tremor wracking his frame as Gerard licked
inside of him messily, twisting his tongue alongside his fingers until he felt
the telltale clenching which meant that Frank was seconds away from shooting
all over himself.
Gerard stopped then of course, even though he was tempted to let Frank come.
He'd been so patient after all, but Gerard wasn't quite ready to give up on his
game just yet. He excepted Frank's cry of dismay when he removed his fingers
and tongue from his ass, but much to his delight, Frank didn't voice any verbal
disappointment, he simply lay there and waited for Gerard to make his next
move.
"You're amazing, you know that?" Gerard murmured quietly, his heart swelling
with affection as he watched Frank twist underneath him subtly, his cock
bobbing softly against his abdomen, leaking precome across his skin as he tried
not to move too much as Gerard observed him.
He seemed completely lost now, but in a good way, in the way Gerard wanted him
to be. His entire concentration was focused on not coming, on being good, and
not on whatever had driven him to Gerard's place on the verge of tears.
"I -" Frank finally spoke when Gerard bent down to kiss at his hip bones
gently, sucking lightly in the hopes of leaving a mark that he could look at
later to remind himself that Frank was his.
"What is it Frankie?" Gerard pressed, using the time he was given while he
waited for Frank's response to unfasten his jeans and shove them down just
enough so he could release his aching dick from the confines of the hash
material.
"Please...it hurts," Frank whimpered, his nails digging into the sheets as he
spoke, perspiration coating his torso as he turned his body in Gerard's
direction pleadingly, his cock all but begging for release.
"Yeah, okay sugar. You've been so wonderful, so I think you deserve to come
now," Gerard finally gave in, knowing that anymore teasing would be more of a
cruelty instead of a kindness.
So Gerard wrapped his lips around the head of Frank's dick, sinking down to the
base as quickly as he could go as well as reinserting two fingers into Frank's
ass, curling them in just the right way to have Frank crying out so loudly that
Gerard was certain that his neighbors had heard them, but he really didn't give
a fuck if they did or not.
Gerard began stroking himself with his free hand as he hollowed his cheeks
around Frank, pressing his tongue against the ticking vein on the underside of
his cock as he thrust into his own fist. A muffled groan left his lips as he
continued to work himself with his hand, which caused Frank to thrash back and
forth when the vibrations traveled down his length and through his overwhelmed
body.
And this time, when Frank began shaking and tensing up, Gerard didn't stop, he
just increased the suction with his lips, trying to bring Frank all the ecstasy
he could possibly manage. It was only second later that Frank was calling out
his name hoarsely, his hips jerking upward as his cock swelled in Gerard's
mouth, a bitter taste splashing across his tongue as Frank came heavily, and
kept coming.
This was why Gerard loved edging, because the end result was always worth it,
and Frank seemed to agree by the noises he was making. Gerard swallowed thickly
around Frank, some of his come dribbling out of the corners of his mouth as he
tried to keep up with Frank's intense release. He only pulled away when Frank
began to whimper quietly, oversensitivity kicking in quicker than usual after
such a hard orgasm.
"Fucking hell Frank, so perfect," Gerard groaned when he had removed the last
traces of Frank's spunk from his mouth, his hand working furiously over his
cock as he bent over the younger man, pushing the head of his dick against
Frank's sweat slick stomach as he chased his release feverishly. "Going to make
me come just by watching you get off, god - I'm so hard for you."
"Do it," Frank gasped weakly, his finger fluttering weakly at his sides as if
he wanted to reach out and help Gerard reach his peak but he didn't seem to
contain the strength to actually move his worn out limbs, not that Gerard
needed the help, he was so close that by the time Frank got a hand around him
it would most likely be too late.
Gerard moaned sharply when he felt his balls draw up and his length pulsing,
his orgasm approaching its peak much quicker than he thought it would, but he
had stopped being surprised at how easily Frank managed to get him off quite
some time ago. As horrendously cheesy as it sounded, Frank seemed to reach
something deep inside of him, to touch his soul even, to make him feel things
he wasn't even aware that a human could experience, and Gerard would never stop
being thankful for him for stepping into his life when he had.
But Gerard's lofty thoughts were disrupted as he began shooting across his
knuckles suddenly, an obscene sound leaving his lips as he decorated Frank's
stomach with his come, his body jerking forward unsteadily until the powerful
sensations began to ease. Gerard collapsed down next to Frank when his cock
finally stopped twitching, his eyes fluttering sleepy when Frank nuzzled into
him as if it was some automatic programming he had hardwired into himself.
"You good sugar?" Gerard managed to ask when he could speak again, his tongue
feeling dry in his mouth as the words skated across it, but he was much too
comfortable to go searching for a glass of water right now.
"Much better now," Frank nodded slowly, "that was fucking intense. I haven't
come that hard in ages."
"Edging does have its advantages if you are patient," Gerard replied smugly.
"It wasn't too much for you was it?" Gerard checked, because although Frank
seemed sated, he had to make sure he hadn't crossed any lines.
"No, it was amazing, I promise," Frank mumbled happily. "You always know how to
make me feel better."
"Luckily for me, you are easy to please," Gerard laughed quietly, wrapping his
arm around Frank's back tightly, ignorant to the mess they were making of his
sheets as Frank spread his come across the fabric. "I'm glad you came to me,"
Gerard added on after a few moments of silence, pretending to ignore the way
Frank stiffened up against him, not wanting to return him to his previously
distressed state by saying anything else.
"I am too," Frank finally responded. "I am sorry for this, I should have asked
before just showing up, but I just - it was all too much, my mom...and my
dad...and I don't know who to trust anymore besides you."
"Oh Frank," Gerard whispered, not knowing what other words to utter. He knew
Frank didn't have the easiest life, but he was foggy on the details, and he
didn't feel qualified to offer advice or comfort when he wasn't entirely sure
what was going on.
"It's okay, I'm fine, it was just really unexpected, and I sort of lost it on
my mom earlier," Frank sighed wearily.
"You don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to Frank," Gerard
reminded him, even though he was curious to what had occurred, but if talking
about it was going to make Frank feel worse, Gerard would contain his intrigue
and focus on comforting Frank the best that he could.
He knew that talking about his problems rarely helped, at least not in his
case. He had done therapy, pills, the works, and he was just as fucked up as he
had always been. Shoving everything down worked much better for him than
anything the professionals had advised, and the same seemed to apply to Frank,
but Gerard also wanted him to know that he was there for him if he wanted to
unload his issues without making him feel like he was obliged to discuss them
with him.
"No, I want to, I have to tell someone or I'll go insane, and I'm calmer now
thanks to you." Frank inhaled loudly, as if he was steeling himself for
whatever he was about to reveal next, saving Gerard from deciding if he should
change the subject or not. "I already told you my dad left, two years ago,
well, a bit more than that now. He actually divorced my mom for a man, which
she has never forgiven him for. I have of course, I mean, it would be a bit
hypocritical of me not to, but it still hurt that he abandoned me, and I've
never really gotten over it."
"That's shit of him," Gerard piped up before he could stop himself, but he
didn't regret his statement. Frank didn't deserve this pain, no one should have
caused him this type of internal wound, especially not his father who was
supposed to love him and support him no matter what.
"Yeah, that's what I thought for ages. I tried to contact him, but he never
responded, so I assumed he didn't want anything to do with me, but apparently,
he has been trying to reach me, I just didn't know that he was. My mother has
been hiding his letters from me, but I found one today, and just - I snapped. I
was so angry...I still am in a way. I get that she hates him, or who he has
chosen to love. I don't expect them to be all friendly again, but he's my dad,
and she made me think he had forgotten me. I think in her fucked up head, she
thinks she's protecting me, and a part of me wants to forgive her, but I don't
know if I can. This thing with my dad has been eating away at me for so long,
but all she cares about is the fact that he likes dick, she didn't even think
about my feelings. God - I was so close to telling her that I like dick I do
too, but I didn't, I don't need to get kicked out right now on top of all the
other shit I have to deal with."
"If she could see you now," Gerard tried to joke in an attempt to lighten the
dark cloud that had overtaken the mood of the room, even though his voice
cracked slightly halfway through, his heart twisting painfully as he pulled
Frank even closer to his chest, the desire to protect him from every cruelty in
the world overwhelming him momentarily.
"She'd flip shit," Frank chuckled wearily, "and I wish I didn't care, but she
needs me, and I can't just walk out on her, which leaves me at at a loss for
what to do now. My dad does want me in his life apparently, and he lives
vaguely close, but after all this time, what do I say to him, and how do I deal
with my mom if I do want to go see him? It's just - it's not the biggest
problem in the world, but piled onto everything else, it's just too much to
handle for me right now."
"Well whatever you decide, I'm here for you. If you want to go see him, I'll
take you, we can hide it from your mom somehow if you think that will help. I
hate that you have to live with such a judgmental woman, but don't let her stop
you from doing something just because of her hatred. And if you don't want to
visit your dad, that's fine too. It's all up to you, and you don't have to
decide right now. If you ever want to talk about it or anything, I'm all ears,
or if you just need another distraction, I am more than willing to provide that
too."
"God, you're incredible," Frank sighed happily. "Thank you, for this, and
everything. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Neither do I," Gerard murmured so quietly that he wasn't sure if Frank had
heard him, he appeared to be dozing off now anyway, which was probably for the
best. "Get some rest sugar, I'll be here when you wake up and we can deal with
all of this then."
Frank mumbled something unintelligible in response, but Gerard didn't ask him
to repeat himself. He just wanted Frank to sleep for a bit, to forget about his
worries for a few hours. Gerard hoped he felt as safe and cared for as possible
in his arms, because if anyone deserved happiness, it was Frank.
Gerard didn't truly believe he could properly provide that for him, but Frank
seemed to think that he could, so Gerard would do whatever he could to help him
through the terrible trials the world continued to throw at him. His joy was
now tied into Frank's, and he was beginning to hope that maybe together they
could survive this cruel universe and come out mostly unscathed, and even if he
didn't, he would make sure that Frank did.
***** Choices *****
Frank had stayed with Gerard the entire night since he wasn't willing to go
home and face his mother just yet, orever really, but he knew he would have to
do so eventually. Still - he wasn't quite prepared to deal with what she had
done even after school had ended, so Frank sought out Pete's company since
Gerard had a teacher's meeting scheduled after work and Frank didn't want to go
back to his flat alone since Mikey had hardly been there lately.
Pete was home luckily, and he seemed happy to see Frank, even though his smile
fell when he asked Frank how he was doing only to earn a harsh groan from Frank
in reply. Frank took the time to greet Pete's mother before he allowed his
friend to drag him upstairs so he could interrogate him, but honestly, he
wanted to talk about this with someone who would most likely know what the
right thing to do would be.
Gerard's advice had been more than helpful of course, and in the end, Frank was
aware that the decision rested with him and him alone, but Pete knew his mother
almost as well as he did, he and also been close to his father before he had
left, so he might be able to give Frank some insight on how to deal with this
new disaster that had unfolded along the perilous path that was his life.
"Is it Gerard?" Pete asked as soon as the door was closed behind them. His
rapid assumption that Gerard was the reason for his distress had Frank
tampering down a sudden welling of anger toward his best friend, but he
understood his conclusion, he just didn't like it.
"No, it's not," Frank tried not to snap, "in fact, things are going great with
him. This is something else entirely."
"Okay, so spill," Pete suggested, throwing himself down in his office chair
while Frank chose to collapse on a nearby bean bag.
"It's my mom, again, but this time was just...god - it's fucked Pete. I still
can't believe she would do this to me," Frank exhaled heavily.
"What did she do?" Pete asked warily, solemnity draining all the color out of
his tone as he gave Frank his full attention.
"She has been hiding letters from me, my dad'sletters. He's been trying to get
in contact with me for who knows how long, and she's been making sure I don't
see them. She said it was to protect me, and I know she's not mentally well,
but I don't think I can forgive her for this."
"Oh god - that's so shit," Pete exclaimed, his eyes widening in a manner that
would have almost been comical if Frank wasn't so weighed down by his own
internal concerns to laugh at it. "I knew she didn't like him obviously, but to
go that far...fuck Frank, I'm so sorry."
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it just hurts you know," Frank sighed. "She
literally said he was sick, and he could infect me if I reached out to him,
which I'm tempted to do just to piss her off. I have his phone number now, and
his address, so I could if I wanted to."
"And do you?" Pete queried gently.
"I'm not sure..." Frank hesitated. "I've spent so much time assuming he didn't
want me, that he had all but forgotten me, and now I know that's not true, but
it's still hard to shift that sense of thinking. I haven't seen him in years,
and a part of me wants to, but the other half is worried he'll have changed, or
that he won't like the person I've become - hell, I barely do, so why should
he?"
"Frank, your dad loves you, he has to if he's still trying to reach out to you
even this long after he moved out, so if you want to go see him, I'm sure
everything will go fine, but if you don't, then no worries either way."
"That's almost exactly what Gerard told me," Frank responded without thinking
of how Pete would take his statement, but besides a slight stiffening of his
muscles, Pete didn't react, "and I truly do appreciate both of your support,
but right now, I honestly don't fucking know what I want. I am more concerned
about what to do with my mother at the moment. Every time I think about going
back home, my blood starts boiling, but if I leave her on her own, she'll be
fucked, and I can't just sit by and let that happen."
"Well - technically you can, you are an adult now, so if you leave there is
nothing she can do about it," Pete pointed out, "but I know you, and you're too
good of a person to do that to her, so if you want my opinion, I think you have
to go back at some point. That doesn't mean you should forgive her though, in
fact, I'd give her the silent treatment until she offers up an apology if
anything."
"Which she might never do," Frank replied harshly. "I guess what stings the
most is knowing that my mother literally loathes a man she adored just because
he's gay, and then I start thinking how she would treat me if she knew I was
too. I'll never be able to change her mind on that, but I want to."
"I wish you could too Frank, I really do, you don't deserve to be looked down
on by anyone, especially your mother. Just remember that she's not right, and
even if you can never prove that to her, you're amazing no matter who you like.
You're a wonderful son, and she's lucky to have you in her life. If she was a
decent person, she'd accept you as you are without question, but for now, you
have me, and Gerard, and even your dad if you want to see him, and we all
support you no matter what."
"Thanks, I think I needed to hear that," Frank smiled, that fact that Pete had
included Gerard in his list of people without grimacing causing the expression
to bloom on his face easily. "I think you're right though, I do have to go home
soon, but if she thinks I'm going to act like nothing has happened, she has
another thing coming. I'll have to give some more thought to what to do about
my dad, maybe I'll just text him or something and see if he answers and then go
from there."
"You're welcome Frank," Pete grinned, "and I meant it, I'm always here for you
no matter what, and if you don't want to be at home at any time, you can always
come here."
"That means a lot to me Pete, it really does," Frank reiterated for the
millionth time, but he wanted Pete to know that he truly was grateful for his
presence in his life.
He might not be around as much lately because of Gerard, but Pete was his best
friend, he always had been, and Frank had been making sure to reassure Pete of
that as well, especially since things between them had shifted slightly thanks
to recent events.
Frank honestly had no idea if Pete still had a crush on him, or if he ever
truly did. He didn't want to bring that topic back up just in case Pete got
defensive, but Frank had managed to convince himself it was mostly just Pete
wanting to help him combined with the platonic affection that they both felt
for each other. He just couldn't imagine Pete being properly in love with him,
or maybe it was that he couldn't see himself ever being in love with Pete, but
either way, Pete hadn't mentioned it again, so Frank had chosen to leave that
delicate subject buried until it was forgotten about entirely.
"So what about you, anything new in your life?" Frank asked to break the
silence when it stretched a bit too long to be comfortable.
"Nah," Pete answered with a yawn. "School is boring, Andy is thinking about
shaving his head but he hasn't done it yet, and Mom still won't let me get a
dog even though I promised to do all the work."
"You're still trying to change her mind on that?" Frank giggled. "You know
she's allergic."
"Yes, but I found out that poodles don't carry any dander or whatever the fuck
it is that makes people react to them, so I suggested we get one of those so
she wouldn't have an issue, and she still said no."
"You seriously want a poodle?" Frank wheezed, the mental picture of Pete
walking a fluffy poodle around somehow seeming hilarious to him at the moment.
"Sort of, I mean, I'd rather have a pug or something like that, but I just want
a dog in general honestly."
"Well once you graduate you can move out and get one?" Frank suggested.
"Yeah, if I ever get a job. I have no money basically, so any dreams of getting
my own place are in the distant future. I'm probably just going to attend the
community college anyway for the first few years, so there really isn't any
point in moving out right away except the dog part."
"I feel you there, if I even go to college that is. I have no fucking idea what
I want to do with my life after school," Frank admitted. This was a much more
honest conversation then Frank was used to having with anyone, even Pete, but
he was feeling a bit more at ease talking about heavier things lately since it
did seem to help him deal with his burdens in some way. "I try and look to the
future and it's just blank you know. I mean, realistically, I'll probably take
care of my mom until she gets to be too much to handle, but then what?"
"Then you can do whatever you want to do you know?" Pete shrugged. "That is
what everyone tells me at least like it's going to be helpful. They expect me
to just know what I want to major in and what job I want, but really, I just
want to be in a band, and that's stupid."
"God I haven't even thought about a major," Frank groaned, "and I know most
people at my school have already applied to like ten different colleges. That
won't be a problem for us since admittance rates are high, but still."
"I'm probably just going to do business since you can do so much with it and it
looks good on most applications."
"That's smart," Frank nodded, "I still don't know if I should go to college
right away, I might take a gap year and try to figure out what to do with my
mom and work a lot to stock up some funds. Community college is cheap but it
still costs money."
"That might be a good idea, maybe I should look for a job first then figure out
what I want to go to school for," Pete mused, "but Frank, if you want to go to
college, then do it. Don't let your mom dictate you're life. I think it's
amazing that you've made her such a big priority, but don't let her ruin
everything for you okay? I get that having to deal with school for four more
years might not be your dream, but there are other options if it is something
you want to pursue. You can find her a caretaker, or even move her into a home
if you have to. Just don't forget you have options."
"I won't, thanks Pete," Frank grinned as he kicked out his feet to
affectionately nudge at Pete's ankles.
Frank was still nervous about what was to come for him in the next year, or
even the next few days, but Pete was right, he had choices, and everything
wasn't preordained. He had hope now, or maybe he always had, but things finally
seemed to be looking up.
Gerard was still with him, and hopefully he would be when Frank became more
serious about what he wanted to do to continue his schooling, and Pete would
always be there as well, maybe even his father if he made an attempt to contact
him. His support system was growing as time passed, and with the people he
loved around him, Frank was assured that he could face whatever was waiting for
him in the future.
~~~
It was late, and Gerard knew he had to get to sleep soon if he wanted to be
vaguely functioning at work tomorrow, but his worries were keeping him awake,
and this time, they didn't revolve around Frank. His boyfriend had texted him
after school, informing him he was going to Pete's for the evening, so Gerard
knew he was safe, but it was actually his brother that was causing his distress
this evening.
Mikey had popped out to the store hours ago, but he had yet to return. Usually
Gerard would brush off his disappearance and think nothing of it. Mikey was
always flaky, and he was most likely with Ray or another of his friends, but
for some reason, Gerard felt the need to reassure himself that his brother was
truly all right before he sought out slumber.
Gerard waited another fifteen minute, giving Mikey the chance to either respond
to one of the numerous texts he had sent him or for him to come home, but when
neither of those happened, Gerard pulled out his phone, thumbing through his
contacts before he found Ray's name.
Ray was the only close friend of Mikey that Gerard actually knew, so he was
really the only option he had left. If Ray didn't know where Mikey was, then
Gerard was fucked, but he held onto the hope that Mikey would be there and he
had simply fallen asleep or something else innocent like that.
"Hey Gerard, what's up?" Ray answered the phone, his voice emitting thinly
thought the speakers of the device he had pressed up to his ear.
"Not much, I was just wondering if you had seen Mikey tonight?" Gerard asked
straight away, not wanting to waste any more of his or Ray's time at this late
hour, or late for him anyway now that he had a normal job.
"Uh yeah, he was here, but that was about two hours ago. He left with Matt and
some other people, and I'm not sure where they went."
"Oh..." Gerard sighed, his hopes of finding Mikey holed up at Ray's evaporating
into thin air. "Well, thank you anyway. If you do see him again, can you have
him text me? I need to get to bed, but I've been worried about him lately."
"I will, and Gerard..." Ray paused, his usually jovial voice hitching
uncharacteristically as he continued speaking, "I think you are right to be
worried. Mikey hasn't been himself lately, he's pulling away from me, from
everyone really. All he cares about is drugs, he's using more than ever, and I
think he's going to get himself killed if he doesn't calm down soon."
"Is it really that bad?" Gerard whispered as if someone would overhear him if
he spoke at a louder volume. "I mean, I know he shouldn't be doing coke at all,
but I thought he had it mostly under control."
"He did, until recently," Ray sighed. "I don't know what changed, but he's
stopped being careful, or even vaguely responsible, and I could be wrong, but I
think Matt has started some sort of gang or something, and Mikey is in it. He
has money all the time now, which I know you didn't give him, so he must be
making it by selling or something. He's scaring me, and I care about him a lot,
so I thought I should warn you before it's too late."
"God - fuck me," Gerard groaned. "I don't know how to make him stop, I've tried
talking to him, hell - when I quit I begged him to do it with me. He knows what
happened to me, why I had to kick the stuff, but he never cared then, not
really. He thinks he's invincible, and I get it I do. I felt the same
before...well...you know, and I don't think I can explain to him that he's
walking a really dangerous line."
"Can you at least try?" Ray all but begged. "I've done everything I can think
of, and nothing is working. I try to keep him here as much as I can so I can
watch him, but he's been going off more and more and he comes back completely
shitfaced, if he does come back that is. I don't want anything to happen to
him, and I know you don't either."
"I will do my best," Gerard promised, although he doubted that would have a
positive result.
Gerard still remembered his affair with drugs, how amazing it had been, how he
had truly believed he had been on top of the world until he had fallen and
broken on the unforgiving pavement below. He hadn't let anyone talk him out of
using until he had been placed in a situation that forced him to access his
choices, until the trauma he had gone through had been too much for drugs to
appeal to him any longer since they had mostly been the cause of it. Even now
Gerard refused to voice what had happened to him aloud, but it had changed him
forever, and besides helping him get clean, it had damaged him permanently.
He feared that the same would be the case for Mikey. Nothing negative had
occurred because of his using yet, so he had no reason to think that anything
would. He was living on the high, the rush, and there was no good reason for
him to stop chasing it. Even knowing what had happened to his brother hadn't
inspired him to stop, so Gerard was at a loss for what else to do, but he would
attempt to intervene at least once more before Mikey was hurt in a similar
fashion.
"Thanks, and I'll keep looking out for him. I'm always a phone call away if you
want to talk or anything, and I'll let you know if I see him again tonight."
"Thank you, if I don't respond I'm probably asleep, I have work in the morning,
but I feel a lot better knowing that you are watching out for him."
"I always will, we might not be a band anymore, but you and Mikey will always
be my brothers."
"Yeah, same to you Ray," Gerard choked out, memories of the times they had
spent together flooding his mind before he banished them to the dark corner
they typically resided in. "Have a good night okay, I'll talk to you soon."
"I will, now get some sleep."
Gerard murmured an affirmative before hanging up and heading into the bedroom
so he could plug his phone into the charger, but he knew that was a lie. He
wasn't going to get any rest tonight, not with the nostalgic thoughts mixed
with his fears for his younger brother chasing themselves around his head, but
he had to try.
He no longer could maintain the lifestyle he used to where he stayed up all
night fighting with his brain only to sleep the day away before it was time for
a show. He was an adult now with a nine to five job, and he wasn't going to
fuck this up just like he had everything else.
Still, he tossed and turned all night, even after he managed to doze off. The
past haunted his dreams, the uncertainty of both his and Mikey's future nipped
at his heels, giving him little rest and more nightmares than he was used to,
but he would manage, he had to, and maybe tomorrow would be better.
***** Nothing To Lose *****
The next day at school was surprisingly pleasant for Frank - well, maybe that
was too strong a word, but it wasn't half bad at least. In fact, most of the
time he spent here had been nowhere near as awful as it used to be.
Frank wasn't sure what had changed, but it seemed that the people who had
always enjoyed cajoling him had finally given him a respite. Perhaps they
simply didn't have the energy left to bully him while applying to colleges and
all the other stresses that came with their senior year, but whatever the case
was, he could now walk down the hallways without one rude remark being tossed
his way.
The classes were still boring of course, but even those had improved slightly.
Frank was making more of an effort to pay attention and finish his work as well
as he could despite his doubts about ever attending college. All higher
education goals aside, he did want to pass his senior year with vaguely decent
grades. He had even made a few vague acquaintances lately since his teachers
apparently loved group projects, and having other people to chat with made the
process of school so much better.
In his English class, he had met Simon, a quiet dark-haired boy that had a
random smattering of tattoos that the teachers were always telling him to keep
covered. Frank had never spoken to him before this year, although he vaguely
recognized him, and he had come to find out that he was oddly brilliant behind
the silent shield he kept up most of the time.
Frank's grades in class skyrocketed thanks to Simon. He was a genius with
words, and he analyzed books and poems in ways that Frank's mind could barely
comprehend. He shared his work with him eagerly, and Frank hypothesized that he
was just as thrilled as he was to finally have a friend. They rarely talked
outside of English, but he was still grateful that he had started speaking with
him.
His closest friend was actually the transfer student he'd been forced to work
with on the first day of school in his economics class. Her name was Jamia, not
Jamie like he had initially assumed, and she was lovely. Frank clicked with her
in a way he rarely did with people, and they had even gone so far as to
exchange phone numbers, although they only texted each other when they were
stuck on their homework or they had missed a lesson.
Jamia was similar to him in some ways, she seemed to be a bit of an outcast too
despite her kind nature. She had switched school during her senior year,
meaning she had very few friends, and she didn't seem all that interested in
making new ones.
Frank learned that she had moved here because her mother had gotten a better
job opportunity, which meant that Jamia was ripped away from the town and
people she had known all of her life, leaving her uninterested in making new
bonds since she planned to return to her old city once she graduated.
Frank seemed to be the exception though, he assumed Jamia had pitied him at
first after the embarrassing things that had been said about him during their
original meeting, so she hadn't pushed him away like she did with everyone
else. Their friendship had grown from there even if neither of them had
intended for it to exist.
Jamia also shared Frank's lunch period, which he hadn't known until recently
since he had a lot of practice in disappearing from the crowded cafeteria as
soon as he got his food - if he even bought any that day - and hiding either
outside or in the library if the weather was bad. That had changed when he'd
run into Jamia in the lunch line one afternoon and she had asked him to sit
with her, which had quickly become his new routine.
They had chosen to eat outside today since the weather was vaguely nice for
once. Spring was attempting to push winter away, and although it hadn't
succeeded entirely, the sun was out and the air wasn't so frigid as to drive
them back inside just yet.
Frank had actually brought a lunch that had been lovingly packed by Pete's
mother, and so had Jamia. Since they didn't need to purchase their food, they
had mutually decided they didn't want to face the chaos of the lunchroom today,
which had led them here.
They ate their meals mostly in silence, their backs pressed up against the
brick wall that separated the school grounds from what lay beyond them, their
hands quickly going numb as a cold breeze whisked by, but neither of them
voiced a complaint.
Frank had been lost in his thoughts for most of the day, his brain swirling
with thoughts of his father, and the future, and also excitement since he had
Gerard's class later on and he always looked forward to seeing him even in that
setting. Still - he wasn't completely oblivious to the world around him, and he
noticed that Jamia seemed off as well.
She was usually quite bubbly, which Frank liked. She always initiated
conversations between them after she realized that he needed that since he
wasn't a big talker, especially not in school. She was almost somber today
though, which meant something had to be bothering her. Her lips were pressed
into a firm line and she was tearing apart her sandwich more than she was
eating it.
Frank wasn't sure if he should ask her about it. They had gotten closer over
the last few months, but he didn't feel that it was his place. He knew he
wouldn't react kindly if Jamia had begun prying into his life out of the blue,
so he kept his mouth shut as well, enjoying the quiet that he so rarely got to
experience anymore and doing his best to ignore his worries about his friend.
"Hey, do you mind if I smoke?" Jamia spoke up suddenly, her voice startling
Frank a bit since he hadn't been expecting it.
"Oh yeah - go for it," Frank nodded belatedly. His heart picked up speed when
Jamia discarded her ruined sandwich so she could reach into her bag for a pack
of cigarettes, reminding him of how long it had been since he'd had one.
Frank wasn't trying to quit or anything, and he did still smoke during his
breaks at the restaurant if he had any or he could snag one from his coworkers,
but he had cut down quite a bit, mostly because if he wasn't at school he was
almost always with Pete or Gerard. He was also tight on funds lately, he
couldn't work nearly as many hours now that the winter holidays were over, and
the two shifts he was given on the weekends weren't nearly enough to afford the
number of cigarettes he had been smoking in the past.
Jamia must have seen Frank's craving in his eyes, either that or she was just
being polite. Once she had the pack open, she tilted it in his direction,
raising her eyebrow in a questioning manner when he hesitated slightly.
"You sure?" Frank asked when he noticed she only had three left in the pack. "I
don't want to bum your last few smokes."
"I have a whole new one at home, don't worry about it," Jamia waved him off.
"You look like you need it as much as I do anyway."
"Yeah, thanks, it's been a hell of a week," Frank sighed as he gave in to his
desire, snagging one of the orange-tipped sticks before searching in his bag
for his lighter, which luckily was still there.
"Same here," Jamia replied, not pressing Frank for more information like so
many people would have, which was just one of the many reasons he got along
with her so well. "So - this is random, but do you have a date for prom?"
"Uh...no?" Frank answered in a confused fashion, not quite expecting the
subject to shift to a dance of all things, but it was coming up soon he
realized, it just hadn't been on his mind at all.
"Did you want one?"
"Jamia - I'm..." Frank paused for a moment as he decided if he wanted to share
his sexuality with her, but he decided it didn't really matter since everyone
already assumed he was gay anyway. "Well, you know all those rumors about me
being gay, well, I am."
"Oh," Jamia exhaled slightly, blowing out a cloud of smoke in the process. She
didn't look disappointed, just a bit surprised. "That's cool, well not the
rumors, but you know what I mean. I can't believe people are giving you shit
for who you like, it's not the nineteen-fifties anymore."
"Yeah, but this is a very catholic school, so it's not that much of a shock,"
Frank laughed nervously. He hadn't really ever come out to anyone before,
Gerard already knew since he'd been trying to pick Mikey up at a bar, and he
and Pete had discovered their sexualities together, so this was actually a
first for him. "Sorry though, I didn't mean to confuse you or anything."
"No, you're fine, I promise," Jamia assured him. "I think I'm the one being
confusing, but it doesn't have to be a date or anything. It would be amazing to
go as just friends if you are okay with that?"
"Um..." Frank hedged, staring down at the burning end of his cigarette as he
tried to decide what to say. Honestly, he hadn't had any urge to go to prom
before now. He knew it was supposed to be a high school experience that no one
wanted to miss, but he couldn't take his boyfriend, and he didn't particularly
want to spend any more time at school then he already did, so the idea had
never appealed to him. "I wouldn't be opposed to it," Frank finally finished
his thought. "I guess I never thought about it before, but as long as my
boyfriend is fine with it, then yeah why not?"
"Oh shit, I didn't know you weren't single," Jamia cringed. "If you were
planning on going with him, please do."
"Nah, he hates dances, and he's going to be out of town then anyway," Frank
lied speedily. "I've never been to something like this anyway, so I might as
well before I graduate."
"Really?" Jamia smiled widely, her grin warming Frank up more than the jacket
he had wrapped tightly around his body.
"Yeah, sure, it could be fun." Frank froze suddenly when he remembered that
prom tickets cost money, usually quite a bit of it, which he did not have at
the moment. "When do I have to buy the tickets by? I am a bit broke, but I am
sure I could scrounge something up."
"You don't have to worry about that, I already have two." Frank was about to
ask her why she had purchased them before she'd known if he could make it or
not, but Jamia answered his question before he could voice it. "I was going to
go with my boyfriend, he's from my old school. He swore he'd drive down here
and take me, so I bought the tickets. Then my best friend from back home phoned
me a few days ago and said she'd seen him kissing someone else. I called him on
it, which turned into a huge fight that ended with us breaking up. So now I
don't have anyone to go with but I already have a dress and I am going to have
a good time at prom with or without him."
"What a dick," Frank scoffed, making Jamia laugh in the process even though she
seemed on the verge of tears. "You don't deserve that shit."
"I mean - I should have expected it honestly. I know long distance
relationships typically don't work out at this age, but I thought we could make
it. He only lives two hours away, and I saw him pretty regularly, everything
seemed to be going good you know? Well - maybe it wasn't, he might have been
cheating on me from the moment I left, but at least I know now."
"Still, that's really awful of him, he should have just called things off
before he moved on. I never get why people don't do that."
"Yeah, me either, but fuck him. I'm not going to cry over his cheating ass."
Jamia actually did look like she was seconds away from breaking into tears, but
Frank related to her coping methods since he used very similar ones. "You
really don't have to go though, I just know it would be more fun if you were
there, but I don't want to make you, especially if your boyfriend would be
upset over it."
"I'm sure he won't mind, and I do want to go. Might as well try and have one
good high school moment. Spike the punch and all that."
"Oh don't bother with that, the teachers guard it, but I just bring my own
flask and mix it in my cup when they aren't looking," Jamia informed him
casually.
"Wow, you just get more awesome by the day," he giggled, earning himself
another grin from Jamia. Her eyes even seemed drier now, and Frank felt quite
accomplished at managing to cheer her up even slightly.
Frank wasn't entirely sure how Gerard would react to his request to go, but he
couldn't see him being opposed to it. He was just doing a favor for a friend,
nothing more, and of course Gerard knew that he was gay, so there was no way
anything would happen between them.
Frank made a mental note to ask Gerard after school if he got the chance, that
way he could let Jamia know as soon as possible. Prom was in two weeks, or
something like that, so he would have to start figuring out how to get a suit
and whatever else he had to do soon if he was going to be ready in time.
The bell rang just then, interrupting their private moment. Frank was almost
tempted to stay out here for the rest of the day, he really didn't want to
listen to another lecture right now, but if he did that, he wouldn't get to see
Gerard, so that wasn't an option.
"Ready for another exciting economics lesson?" Jamia grimaced as she got to her
feet, holding out a hand for Frank which he took as soon as stubbed out the
butt of his cigarette.
"Ready as I'll ever be."
~~~
Frank made it through economics without incident. He even managed to finish
most of his homework in the time their teacher had given them after the lesson,
which he was very satisfied with. That meant he didn't have to waste too much
of his afternoon on it, and perhaps he could spend those hours at Gerard's
instead.
He hadn't been to his place in two days, which wasn't long at all, but Frank
already missed their private time together. He had texted him during that time
of course, but since he'd been with Pete yesterday he hadn't had a chance to
call him, which they usually did on the nights they spent apart.
Speaking of Gerard, Frank was currently in his classroom in his usual seat all
the way in the back. He loved that he had gotten this spot, it let him observe
his teacher without being caught by anyone else, and he took full advantage of
that.
It might sound weird, but something about Gerard explaining music theory was
sort of hot. It could also be his fitted button-up shirt and his tight pants
which accentuated all of his best features, but either way, Frank was
fascinated by this side of Gerard which was quite a contrast from the other
parts of him that only he got to see.
Gerard seemed so confident in his position, he commanded the front of the room,
using his hands and presence to keep people involved in what he was saying even
when the topic was boring enough to put almost everyone to sleep. He rarely
stayed still, moving from his desk, to the blackboard, to the students in the
front row, keeping them alert and off their phones since Gerard had an uncanny
ability of being able to call people out when they weren't paying attention.
Gerard had a real talent at this, and a part of Frank felt envious of his
skill. He knew this wasn't Gerard's dream job, and that he'd been in a band
before falling back on this, but still, he was amazing at what he did. He
wasn't a frontman anymore, but he was still helping kids and sharing a message
with them, so it was similar in certain aspects.
Frank had never considered it before, but maybe he could succeed at teaching as
well. He had always held a passion for music just like Gerard, and although he
doubted he'd be able to emulate his manner and persona, he thought he could
learn. As far as a job went, being a teacher wouldn't be all that bad. Frank
could spend the day with others who liked music, maybe he could even teach the
actual band, that appealed to him more than something like music theory.
The more Frank thought about it, it seemed like a path he could definitely
pursue if he wanted to. It would take schooling of course, which meant that he
would have to figure out a college plan and soon if he wanted to be accepted
for the upcoming semester. He was getting ahead of himself though, he had only
just gotten this idea, and he might hate the thought of it in a week or two.
Somehow Frank didn't think that would happen though. He wasn't saying that he
would be able to make this happen, but for once, he had found a career path
that didn't sound appalling to him. It gave him another burst of hope for the
future, and even if it didn't work out right away, it could be something that
he kept in the back of his mind when he felt like he had no other options.
While Frank had been distracted by his newfound plans, the class had somehow
drawn to a close. He had missed if they had any homework to do or not, but one
perk of dating the teacher was that he could easily find out whatever
information he had missed.
By the time Frank had packed away his things, most of the other students had
already vacated the room in the frantic way that always seemed to ensure after
the last class of the day.
Frank was in no hurry to leave though, not that he ever was. A few months into
their relationship, Gerard had finally stopped panicking so much about them
being seen together. They were both still very careful of course, but Gerard
allowed Frank to spend more time in his classroom, especially after school was
let out.
"Have I ever told you that you look hot as fuck teaching?" Frank smirked as he
walked closer to the front of the room, keeping his voice down just in case
anyone was outside, not that they could hear them anyway through the closed
door.
"Hmm...I don't think you have," Gerard hummed. He wasn't looking in Frank's
direction, he had his back turned to him as he wiped away the notes he had
written in chalk earlier, but Frank could tell he was biting back a grin.
"Well, you are."
"You want me to wear this at home huh?" Gerard suggested in a tone that sounded
half joking and half hopeful. "Maybe let me gag you with my tie this time
instead of blindfold you?"
"Oh god - you need to shut up now before I get hard," Frank groaned.
"You started this sugar," Gerard chuckled, finally moving toward his desk,
allowing Frank to catch a glimpse of his cheeky grin, "so don't be surprised if
I finish it." Frank noticed that Gerard's eyes were a bit swollen and bloodshot
when he got a closer look at him, but his smile was genuine, so he told himself
not to get concerned over what could easily be nothing.
"Wish you would finish me right here," Frank pouted, although he knew that
wasn't an option. This wasn't like the movies where a teacher could fuck their
student over their desk and no one would see them, and as hot as that would be,
Frank would never risk their relationship for one good orgasm.
"Well get your ass over to my place and maybe I will."
"You better not be kidding or I will be very disappointed," Frank huffed,
because now he actually was very horny.
"I'm not, but I do have to run by the bank before they close so I can withdraw
the rent money, but I expect you on my bed when you get back," Gerard ordered
softly, which didn't help Frank's goal of not getting a boner right before he
had to walk to Gerard's apartment.
"See you soon then, and oh - question," Frank spoke up as Gerard began stuffing
loose papers into his messenger bag. "I got asked to prom by a friend, Jamia -
I know I've talked about her before. Her boyfriend just dumped her and she has
an extra ticket. I said I had to talk to you first, but if you don't mind, I'd
like to go."
"Wait...you told her about us?" Gerard asked, panic leeching into his voice as
he stared up at Frank questioningly.
"No - god no, I would never tell anyone. I just said my boyfriend, not even a
name. She has no idea about us, I swear."
"Okay, good - sorry, I just freaked out for a second there," Gerard exhaled
heavily.
"I'm the one who is sorry, I should have worded that better," Frank apologized,
"but you know I'd never do that. I want this secret to be kept safe just as
much as you do."
"I know, I trust you," Gerard brushed his fingers over Frank's knuckles in a
physical form of his sincerity. "I just get nervous. We have gotten away with
this so far, and it almost seems too good to be true at times. I guess I'm just
afraid it's all going to fall down on our heads when we least expect it."
"I get that you're scared, I am too when I allow myself to think about it, but
we won't be caught. We never do anything on school grounds, most people don't
give enough of a fuck about me to pay attention to what I do anyway, and
everyone loves you so much they are too busy trying to figure out how to get
with you to think you would ever be with someone else."
"Shut up, they are not," Gerard laughed weakly, the storm behind his eyes
calming slightly as he listened to Frank's reasoning.
"They so are," Frank snorted, "but either way, we can do this. It's only for
three more months, and then I graduate. We have made it this far, so we won't
fuck up now."
"Okay - yeah, thank you. We can do this, and soon all of this hiding will be
over."
"I can't wait for that day," Frank grinned, just the thought of being able to
walk around in public holding Gerard's hand sending sparks of happiness
fizzling through his bloodstream. "You need to get going though or you won't
make it to the bank before they close," Frank reminded Gerard when he caught
sight of the clock. "I'll see you when you get home."
"Ugh I do," Gerard groaned, "I shouldn't be long, but feel free to raid the
house of food and whatever. I went shopping the other day, so there is actually
something in the fridge besides beer this time." Gerard was halfway out the
door when he stopped suddenly. "Oh, and Mikey is home, or should be...he came
in this morning pretty fucked up, so if it's not too much trouble, can you
check on him and see how he is doing? You don't have to of course, but I'm
worried about him."
"No problem, I'll make sure he's okay, I haven't seen him much anyway so it'll
be nice to catch up," Frank nodded, wondering how bad Mikey was if even Gerard
was worried. Mikey had come home high, drunk, or both numerous times, and
Gerard had treated it as a very normal occurrence, so this must have been worse
than usual if he had asked this of Frank.
"And you can go with your friend to prom, sorry I got distracted, but that
sounds like a lot of fun."
"Thank you," Frank smiled, "we can talk later though okay? You need to get
going remember."
"Fuck me, I do, stupid banker's hours," Gerard cursed under his breath as he
squeezed Frank's hand briefly in place of the kiss that Frank was truly
craving. "Text me when you get home okay, key is in the same place as always."
"I will, see you soon," Frank waved as Gerard finally darted out of the door,
his heart swelling in his chest as he watched Gerard glance back at him
numerous times before he finally disappeared out of sight.
Frank took his time exiting the building, knowing that he would beat Gerard
back to his apartment with time to spare no matter how long he took since the
bank was usually packed at this time, which he had found out after trying to
cash his paycheck when school let out. He had learned to go on Saturday
mornings if he could, the lines were much shorter then.
He pulled out his phone as he walked, locating Jamia's number and sending her a
quick text letting her know that his boyfriend was totally fine with him going
to prom with her. He didn't receive a response right away, not that he expected
to. Frank was about to put the device back in his pocket, but just then, he saw
the number he had recently added to his phone, the one he had found on the
letter from his father.
Frank stopped moving completely as his thumb hovered over the contact which he
had saved as Frank Sr. instead of Dadsince he hadn't earned that title back.
Frank had no intentions of contacting him anytime soon, but for some reason,
the urge to at least see if the number was in service hit him full force.
Frank didn't dare call it though, it brought back memories of the hours he'd
spend with the house phone pressed against his ear as he called his father's
number over and over again, begging for an answer that never came.
A text though, that he could manage, and Frank knew that the longer he put this
off the harder it would be. So he followed his instincts, allowing the positive
trend his life had been going in to imbue him with hope, forcing his
pessimistic nature away as he shakily typed out the words that he prayed his
dad would actually receive.
"Hey...it's Frank. I found your letter before Mom could hide it from me. If
you're serious about wanting to be in my life again , text me back."
Frank turned off his phone the second it said the message had been sent, not
willing to torture himself by waiting for an answer that might never come. He
felt nervous now that it was out there, now that his father might actually
reply to him for the first time in years, but he also felt relieved.
The worst that could happen would be that his father wouldn't respond, and as
hurtful as that would be, it really wasn't any different than the situation
that Frank was currently in, so he had nothing to lose and potentially a father
to regain.
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